What... Just... Happened?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thank you to all for this forum. It has helped me make some sense of the wrecking ball that just came through my life.

About three months ago, one of my very first girlfriends got back in contact with me. She and I have had very intermittent contact throughout the years - our last contact was more than 10 years ago. When we dated in our younger years, it was quite an explosive relationship which I chalked up to youth (early 20s). There was something between us that was unexplainable and intense, especially in the bedroom.

Fast forward to now. We begin to talk and of course one thing leads to another. She was just coming out of a bad marriage and I have been single for over a year so to us, it was fate at work and felt like heaven. We begin talk every day and then begin to remember the "old times" including those times in the bedroom.

We begin to Skype which then of course turns sexual. Then we meet and the sex is great. Better than great. She's beautiful and tells me how much she had missed my touch and how awful her sex life was with her ex. Oh my gosh, I felt like I was on top of the world. We're in love again with fate bringing us back together. What could be better?

About three weeks in, I began to notice odd things about her. She's up/down, kind/rude, energetic/falling asleep. Her sex drive is on overdrive which was blamed on a dormant sex-life during her marriage. There's also a long list of medical problems along with a victim mentality in regards to her ex. I also begin to notice how few significant/functional relationships she has with friends and family. People in her life are routinely banned, blocked and then brought back into her circle.

To make matters worse, we live in different cities. So when we got together, it was quite passionate. But when we would separate, the "crazy" would surface. "Why didn't you call me the minute you got home?" "You just used me for sex". Then there would be some sort of excuse for the behavior and back to normal... .for awhile. Then the conflicts start…break up, back together, etc.

Then she's in the hospital (I think). I don't actually know for sure because I live in a different city. Our relationship becomes even more rocky. Communication becomes difficult and sporadic. I'm a wreck, my love is in trouble and I'm not there to help. I offer my assistance but she doesn't want me to come visit her. Finally, I come to conclusion that she's not being truthful. I won't get into the details but it's just not adding up to me. Too many inconsistencies.

We get into it one last time and then I decide to pull the plug. I just can't take it anymore. Too much drama for my comfort level. But I have to say, the pain from all of this is overwhelming and unexpected. As good as the "highs" were, the "lows" were even worse.

Worst of all, I feel so stupid. I saw the signs and CHOSE to ignore them. I knew when I was being manipulated and let it happen. I know better. ... .and like many have asked, did this relationship mean anything to her? I will probably never know. It meant everything to me.

Now I have the sinking feeling in my stomach. If she was like this with me, especially in the sex department, who else has she been with? She told me that I'm the only guy she's been with after her marriage but I don't trust that anymore. Suffice to say, I just went and had every STD test done just in case. I am praying everything comes back in good shape. I am so anxious and scared to see the results. Tip: GO GET TESTED!

Three months of this relationship and it feels like a tornado has destroyed my life. There are just no words I can use to express how this has affected me. The brain knew better but my heart took control. I knew I was being manipulated but I just didn’t care. That’s not me!

I can’t even imagine how those who have invested much more time than I feel after and/or during the tornado. Those who have gotten married, had children together, live together, etc. My heart goes out to all of you.

[wwfd1220]

Rest easy, you are not alone here at all. This also happened to me as well (except I had never known her before). It is indeed a difficult process, but there are many folks on this board who can give you great advice. My relationship was just shy of two months, and I still miss that girl after being apart for almost the amount of time we were together. You are right about those unanswered questions though. They still race through my mind everyday. No lie, just two and a half weeks ago she text me (the only way she would communicate with me since the break up) "I don't know where my heart is. I just know that I love you" What a total oxymoron of a sentence! She did that a lot though. Always telling me that she missed me, and love me very much. I just finally started to feel that actions speak louder than words. I had to let go. If she comes back I will be prepared by reading through the many pieces of info this site can give you. I am very sorry this happened to you. Just know that you are among friends here

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thanks wwfd1220... .many of my friends and family don't understand it. I also believe it is further complicated by the long history between me and my ex. While we didn't speak for many years, we still had that connection when we did.

You and I will never know the answers to those unanswered questions. IMO, that's because we're dealing with irrational people.

You are exactly right. Actions always speak louder than words. You can tell me how much you miss me, love me and how I am your soul-mate all you want but there needs to be consistency between words and actions. Me and my BPD Ex would go from 10-0 and 0-10 very quickly. Never made sense until now.

Prepare yourself for the return of the ex BPD. You may want to consider changing your number to avoid those texts. Believe me, BPDs are very creative and crafty when they want something from you and feel they can't have it.

[wwfd1220]

Thanks wwfd1220... .many of my friends and family don't understand it. I also believe it is further complicated by the long history between me and my ex. While we didn't speak for many years, we still had that connection when we did.

You and I will never know the answers to those unanswered questions. IMO, that's because we're dealing with irrational people.

You are exactly right. Actions always speak louder than words. You can tell me how much you miss me, love me and how I am your soul-mate all you want but there needs to be consistency between words and actions. Me and my BPD Ex would go from 10-0 and 0-10 very quickly. Never made sense until now.

Prepare yourself for the return of the ex BPD. You may want to consider changing your number to avoid those texts. Believe me, BPDs are very creative and crafty when they want something from you and feel they can't have it.

I realize the potential of her return. Although, that is the only part of her BPD she has not exhibited yet. We broke up in late April, and she really has not advanced the recycle effort. I will be quite honest, at this point I am more focused on myself because I know that in order for that relationship to work I need to be less codependent, and a stronger individual. I am not going to lie. I would take her back in a heartbeat under MY conditions. It is funny because I sent her a text yesterday basically giving myself some closure, it read as follows "Hey, I know this is a bit random, but I wanted to say thanks for all the great times we spent together. I've learned a lot from our relationship, and I am moving on. I hope we can be friends down the road though. Anyway, I hope all is well with you." She actually responded rather quickly from the time I know she wakes up. Her response was "I've been pretty sick, but doing better everyday. Thank you for asking, Take care Dennis." Now I knew she would reply, but after I read what she wrote I almost feel as though she was trying to suck me into giving her attention. I didn't respond, and I do not plan on responding for at least 31 days. I need to get my head right for my own good. I honestly don't think she will contact me though. She is definitely a waif BPD, but I don't sense a neediness for me in her at all. I am just fascinated that just two weeks ago she was telling me that she loved me very much and was staying away from me for my benefit and all that stuff, and now its just "take care". it makes me kind of hurt on the inside that it was all just words... .no action just words... .but why? that is what I keep asking myself in my head

[wwfd1220]

Sorry... .my message in in the quote... .whoops! 

[StarOfTheSea]

Thanks wwfd1220... .many of my friends and family don't understand it. I also believe it is further complicated by the long history between me and my ex. While we didn't speak for many years, we still had that connection when we did.

You and I will never know the answers to those unanswered questions. IMO, that's because we're dealing with irrational people.

You are exactly right. Actions always speak louder than words. You can tell me how much you miss me, love me and how I am your soul-mate all you want but there needs to be consistency between words and actions. Me and my BPD Ex would go from 10-0 and 0-10 very quickly. Never made sense until now.

Prepare yourself for the return of the ex BPD. You may want to consider changing your number to avoid those texts. Believe me, BPDs are very creative and crafty when they want something from you and feel they can't have it.

I realize the potential of her return. Although, that is the only part of her BPD she has not exhibited yet. We broke up in late April, and she really has not advanced the recycle effort. I will be quite honest, at this point I am more focused on myself because I know that in order for that relationship to work I need to be less codependent, and a stronger individual. I am not going to lie. I would take her back in a heartbeat under MY conditions. It is funny because I sent her a text yesterday basically giving myself some closure, it read as follows "Hey, I know this is a bit random, but I wanted to say thanks for all the great times we spent together. I've learned a lot from our relationship, and I am moving on. I hope we can be friends down the road though. Anyway, I hope all is well with you." She actually responded rather quickly from the time I know she wakes up. Her response was "I've been pretty sick, but doing better everyday. Thank you for asking, Take care Dennis." Now I knew she would reply, but after I read what she wrote I almost feel as though she was trying to suck me into giving her attention. I didn't respond, and I do not plan on responding for at least 31 days. I need to get my head right for my own good. I honestly don't think she will contact me though. She is definitely a waif BPD, but I don't sense a neediness for me in her at all. I am just fascinated that just two weeks ago she was telling me that she loved me very much and was staying away from me for my benefit and all that stuff, and now its just "take care". it makes me kind of hurt on the inside that it was all just words... .no action just words... .but why? that is what I keep asking myself in my head

Good for you for going NC, that's awesome!

All that nonsense about staying away for your benefit is crap. She's only interested in things that benefit her. They like to twist things around to make it seem like they're protecting you but really, it's all about putting a spin on their bad behavior. My exBPDbf did the same thing. They don't do anything for anyone else, they only do for themselves.

[Invictus01]

Welcome to the club! You are definitely not alone. I think every single person who has ever posted here could have entitled just like that - "What the heck?" Stick around, we are a very understanding bunch since we know exactly what happened. Hell, most of us pretty much have the same story, just different characters.

[wwfd1220]

Thanks wwfd1220... .many of my friends and family don't understand it. I also believe it is further complicated by the long history between me and my ex. While we didn't speak for many years, we still had that connection when we did.

You and I will never know the answers to those unanswered questions. IMO, that's because we're dealing with irrational people.

You are exactly right. Actions always speak louder than words. You can tell me how much you miss me, love me and how I am your soul-mate all you want but there needs to be consistency between words and actions. Me and my BPD Ex would go from 10-0 and 0-10 very quickly. Never made sense until now.


NC is definitely not easy... .My therapist tells me that it will happen. She will come back and want to recycle what we had. Reason is, I really think that the girl loved me in the only way she knows how. Unfortunately, I need more than text messages to keep me interested. I just feel like I was becoming her emotional tampon.

Prepare yourself for the return of the ex BPD. You may want to consider changing your number to avoid those texts. Believe me, BPDs are very creative and crafty when they want something from you and feel they can't have it.

I realize the potential of her return. Although, that is the only part of her BPD she has not exhibited yet. We broke up in late April, and she really has not advanced the recycle effort. I will be quite honest, at this point I am more focused on myself because I know that in order for that relationship to work I need to be less codependent, and a stronger individual. I am not going to lie. I would take her back in a heartbeat under MY conditions. It is funny because I sent her a text yesterday basically giving myself some closure, it read as follows "Hey, I know this is a bit random, but I wanted to say thanks for all the great times we spent together. I've learned a lot from our relationship, and I am moving on. I hope we can be friends down the road though. Anyway, I hope all is well with you." She actually responded rather quickly from the time I know she wakes up. Her response was "I've been pretty sick, but doing better everyday. Thank you for asking, Take care Dennis." Now I knew she would reply, but after I read what she wrote I almost feel as though she was trying to suck me into giving her attention. I didn't respond, and I do not plan on responding for at least 31 days. I need to get my head right for my own good. I honestly don't think she will contact me though. She is definitely a waif BPD, but I don't sense a neediness for me in her at all. I am just fascinated that just two weeks ago she was telling me that she loved me very much and was staying away from me for my benefit and all that stuff, and now its just "take care". it makes me kind of hurt on the inside that it was all just words... .no action just words... .but why? that is what I keep asking myself in my head

Good for you for going NC, that's awesome!

All that nonsense about staying away for your benefit is crap. She's only interested in things that benefit her. They like to twist things around to make it seem like they're protecting you but really, it's all about putting a spin on their bad behavior. My exBPDbf did the same thing. They don't do anything for anyone else, they only do for themselves.

[wwfd1220]

NC is definitely not easy... .My therapist tells me that it will happen. She will come back and want to recycle what we had. Reason is, I really think that the girl loved me in the only way she knows how. Unfortunately, I need more than text messages to keep me interested. I just feel like I was becoming her emotional tampon.

Prepare yourself for the return of the ex BPD. You may want to consider changing your number to avoid those texts. Believe me, BPDs are very creative and crafty when they want something from you and feel they can't have it.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I just feel like I was becoming her emotional tampon.

O M G !   That is it.  Precisely.  EMOTIONAL  TAMPON .    Extremely well said, wwfd, you totally nailed it.

He used me that way.   Which was bad.   Even worse, I let him.   Thank you for an image accurate and distasteful enough to remind me to not become that again.   

[wwfd1220]

You are welcome... .. Although I cannot take entire credit. I did read that somewhere. ... . 

[wwfd1220]

Lets be honest. In my case she never really broke up with me. All she told me was that it would never work because she was expanding her business to Iowa... .that fell through... .Then it was she was having health issues, and that's how she knew she couldn't be with me. She didn't want to subject me to her feeling ___ty and b___y (no lie, that is what she told me). Whilst going through the health issue, but after finding out it wasn't as bad as she originally thought (it was vertigo instead of a brain tumor) she tells me "make good choices" when I went out with friends a few weeks back, as well as "just remember how much I love you"... .sent some really sexy photos of herself in her bed... .then immediately turned around and asked me to delete them because "I just got caught up in the moment, and now I feel kinda slutty"  I really feel that this is the reason it is so hard to move on from her. I do love her to death, but she is so all over the map on everything.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Lets be honest. In my case she never really broke up with me. All she told me was that it would never work because she was expanding her business to Iowa... .that fell through... .Then it was she was having health issues, and that's how she knew she couldn't be with me. She didn't want to subject me to her feeling ___ty and b___y (no lie, that is what she told me). Whilst going through the health issue, but after finding out it wasn't as bad as she originally thought (it was vertigo instead of a brain tumor) she tells me "make good choices" when I went out with friends a few weeks back, as well as "just remember how much I love you"... .sent some really sexy photos of herself in her bed... .then immediately turned around and asked me to delete them because "I just got caught up in the moment, and now I feel kinda slutty"  I really feel that this is the reason it is so hard to move on from her. I do love her to death, but she is so all over the map on everything.

Are you kidding me? My exBPD tells me she has a brain tumor too. Same goes with the sexual material! Did we date the same person?

[wwfd1220]

... .I live in Milwaukee wi

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Mine too!   After the b/u and shortly into the stalking/harassment he sent a txt saying he had a brain tumor... ."not cancerous but very serious."  WOW... .

[StarOfTheSea]

Mine too!   After the b/u and shortly into the stalking/harassment he sent a txt saying he had a brain tumor... ."not cancerous but very serious."  WOW... .

What is this with them? Lol my exBPDbf told me he had colon cancer as a young man in his 20's. Very unusual.

I don't mean to make light of a serious illness, but it takes someone very disordered to use illness as a tool.

[wwfd1220]

I don't know why they would do that. Maybe it is that last straw they use to keep us thinking about them. Not really sure! My uxBPDgf really does not want me moving on. She says she does, but I think if I did she would try and recycle. I am the only male she has any pictures with in any of her facebook photo albums. Even now they remain in her album, and she has not unfriended me. Her last message to me after I told her I was moving on, she reiterated " I have been very sick, but I am feeling better everyday". That just tells me she is leaving that door open a crack for recycle. As soon as she gets "better" She will probably inquire what I am doing. Now this is all assumption, but I can totally see it happening. That girl loves me! in may be in her own sick way, but she still loves me and knows she should be with me. I only hope I can grow enough as a man before that happens. That includes using the tools that are provided to us on the site.

[WhatJustHappened?]

My ex said it was a prolactinoma. I have no idea why they would lie like that. In my case, I live over 1,000 miles away so it would be easy to do so.

The last time she said she was hospitalized, unknown to her, I called the hospital. They had no record of her being admitted. There's more to that story that confirms this BS but I won't bore you with the details.

So why fake being sick? There are three likely reasons:

1.) She wants the attention and has something to fall back on if she is "found out", or

2.) She's messing around with many guys and is using the frequent hospital stays as cover, or

3.) It's just a way to keep us folks in a state of uncertainty

[wwfd1220]

Whats your ex's first name?

[Invictus01]

My ex said it was a prolactinoma. I have no idea why they would lie like that. In my case, I live over 1,000 miles away so it would be easy to do so.

The last time she said she was hospitalized, unknown to her, I called the hospital. They had no record of her being admitted. There's more to that story that confirms this BS but I won't bore you with the details.

So why fake being sick? There are three likely reasons:

1.) She wants the attention and has something to fall back on if she is "found out", or

2.) She's messing around with many guys and is using the frequent hospital stays as cover, or

3.) It's just a way to keep us folks in a state of uncertainty

It's a pity play, dude. They like to be consoled all the time. I bet if you look back, there was a whole lot of stuff in her life that you had to console her about. When she runs out of the real life material, she comes up with the BS material... .