Cycling faster

[5xFive]

Idk if it’s the holidays or the time of year, the weather maybe? But uBPDh is cycling faster than ever! We only had 1.5 white days this week. He keeps dysregulating. I don’t think it’s christmas. That’s already bought and paid for. What could be stressful about watching children open gifts and relaxing?
It’s overwhelming! And he always says the same things. He hates his life. He hates me for ruining his life. He hates where we live. He HATES. Then when he cycles white again, he apologizes for his words. “I shouldn’t say those things” he says. Last week was so bad. He told me that he wants a divorce. He threatened to kill himself. Then Monday, he said he never wants a divorce. He doesn’t know why he says these things. He is so sorry, blah blah blah.
But then this morning, right back into hating me and wanting a divorce. I’m SICK of it. I’m sick of everything getting ruined by his behavior. I’m sick of my family not understanding and then punishing me FOR his behavior. I’m over it. I don’t want to validate him. I want a normal life. And normal husband. I’m tired of always having to stay calm. Even when he’s being an a$&. I’m sick of not being able to talk to my partner bc he’s in “one of his moods” again. I’m tired of having to explain to our son that this is NOT normal behavior, that he can’t act out the same way.
How do you cope when it’s supposed to be a good time of year?

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[5xFive]

I think one of the bigggest things I struggle with is the blame. The fact that anytime something goes wrong, it’s my fault. Then, when he is back in a white phase, he often says he doesn’t know why he acts why he does. But I know! Only I can’t say anything and it makes me feel helpless. I know there’s help out there for him. But I don’t think he’ll ever open his mind enough to search and find it. And I wonder if I can keep being blamed for the rest of my life? Where is my breaking point? And what happens to my family when I reach it?

[Holsw]

I feel ya! I don't have a lot of advice as I am new to this site and new to the discovery that my husband has BPD. Only thing I can say is stay strong in knowing you are NOT alone! It has been an awful last three weeks for me as well and I too am wondering if it us the stress of the holidays, and in my husbands case, having to interact with family. It's is really tough for me to validate when it it supposed to be a happy time of year. A time when we are blessed with time off work, time that is supposed to be relaxing and spent with family that loves and supports us. But all he does is snap at me for no reason, act annoyed with me constantly and manifest a bunch of drama out of thin air. Just stay strong and don't let him ruin your holiday. The hardest struggle for me right now is detaching from someone during a time of year when there is supposed to be so much love. It is just really hard and I know how you feel!

[5xFive]

I’m so tired of this. H came home from work and immediately started screaming at me today. Why? Because we had talked about leaving S6 Nintendo switch in his bedroom and I moved it into the living room for the first day of Christmas break. So he screamed at me about that, slammed a glass on the floor and when he was cleaning up, slammed a broom into the wall and put another hole in our walls. Granted I got defensive. But then he said he was divorcing me again and he left. Tomorrow is our sons bday. Why does this happen? My poor baby. So upset that daddy is leaving and won’t be here for his birthday. And how do I explain that he’s ill?