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BPDFamily.com
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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
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Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Husband
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Topic: Husband (Read 400 times)
wavering
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Husband
«
on:
September 14, 2015, 08:37:03 PM »
Hello, my husband fluctuates from narcissism to BPD. Currently, he is passive-aggressive narc, refusing to work and does what he wants all day. In February, we signed a post-nuptial agreement dividing our possessions, and agreeing that each of us will contribute 50% of household expenses. At that time, he found a job quickly. Now he has not been working x 2 months. If/when he is not able to pay his part, I will need to take action (ask him to move out?). After I presented him with the postnup, he was very clingy,, fearful of abandonment, etc. until he found a job, then the narc returned. He cannot tolerate any criticism/discussions are always punctuated with "I have done nothing wrong".
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070
Re: Husband
«
Reply #1 on:
September 15, 2015, 05:05:09 AM »
Hi wavering, welcome
Has you husband been diagnosed with BPD/NPD, or are these traits that he exhibits?
It sounds like when you presented him with the postnup, you meant it; that he contribute 50% to household expenses. Boundaries are not to be used as threats or ultimatums, so they're not something we toss around to get someone else to do something. They speak to who we are.
Here's a link with a thoughtful explanation:
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence
Quote from: wavering on September 14, 2015, 08:37:03 PM
If/when he is not able to pay his part, I will need to take action (ask him to move out?).
Are you ready and willing to ask your husband to move out if he can't pay his share? Is that a deal-breaker?
Lots of things to consider, I would imagine
Keep posting and working through this, it helps.
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267
Re: Husband
«
Reply #2 on:
September 15, 2015, 08:54:26 AM »
Hi Wavering,
Your husband has similar traits to my wife who is very N and BPD, plus a generous helping of paranoia to spice things up. She also wants to do a post-nup and wants to split our household expenses. Since she quit her job 5 years ago she doesn't have enough income to pay half expenses, so she wants me to contribute to her checking account so she can. I listen to these ideas and mostly nod and smile, knowing she will never get around to doing anything about it.
My case might be unique to yours in that it's not terribly burdensome for me to have her not working. Plus I usually have larger antics to deal with than the day-to-day stuff. So here are some questions for you. Do you have children that are going to be affected by any decisions you make? Is your husband in a position to actually keep employment to make this arrangement work? If you ask him to move out would he be financially able to do that? Would he be mentally able to do that?
I'm sure presenting him with a post-nup triggered many abandonment fears which were echoed in the behaviors you saw. Asking him to move out is likely to trigger things even more - you will have to be prepared to deal with very large abandonment fears/rage when you present your ultimatum.
Please share with us how it goes.
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636
Re: Husband
«
Reply #3 on:
September 15, 2015, 09:17:38 AM »
This is a tough situation. Didn't even know postnups were legal! This must be very hard for you, not wanting to really make things worse but being pushed into that position (pers disorder spouses tend to do that). Sorry if I've addressed this already, and many times it doesn't work, but is there a good therapist you can both see? Maybe someone familiar with PD's?
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wavering
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: Husband
«
Reply #4 on:
September 15, 2015, 09:18:12 PM »
Thanks everyone for your replies. My husband was diagnosed by a psychologist as a narc. He and I saw the same counselor, but not together. I found it to be very helpful, and forced me to face reality. The psychologist advised me to protect myself financially. It took me awhile to realize he meant protect myself from my husband, I thought he meant protect myself because my husband would not protect me. My husband is very capable to work, but has never worked consistently since we married (36 years). Our children are grown, and aware of the current challenges.
TRJB: The convoluted thinking you describe re: your wife is common from my husband. He drained his retirement account ($150,000+) in 9 months after he turned 59 1/2 last year. When I realized it, his reply was "WE" not "ME".
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wavering
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: Husband
«
Reply #5 on:
September 15, 2015, 09:33:36 PM »
Quote from: 123Phoebe on September 15, 2015, 05:05:09 AM
"It sounds like when you presented him with the postnup, you meant it; that he contribute 50% to household expenses. Boundaries are not to be used as threats or ultimatums, so they're not something we toss around to get someone else to do something. They speak to who we are."
Phoebe, I definitely need boundary work, but in this instance (the postnup) I was following the advice of a wise psychologist and also a lawyer/judge who is a friend of my husband's family. Not really setting a boundary, but drawing a line intentionally that said "I will not support you while you are able to work". It was a case of my husband making choices for me (that I would continue to work into my 70's) by depleting his retirement account. It had to be stopped. A necessary ending, I think, versus a boundary.
Please keep asking me questions. I need to struggle with this and need input.
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123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070
Re: Husband
«
Reply #6 on:
September 16, 2015, 12:43:56 PM »
Quote from: wavering on September 15, 2015, 09:33:36 PM
Please keep asking me questions.
What if your husband chooses to never work again? Are you prepared for that? What would preparing for that possibility look like?
Are you familiar with Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance for family members
I hope your husband finds a job and everything works out, wavering. In the event that he doesn't, what would your life and future look like? How would the bills get paid? Who would pay them? Does he like to spend money? Can he be trusted with the finances? Does he contribute to housework, projects etc?
I could ask a million questions, but would like to get a better idea of where you're at? Will/can you stay with your husband if he doesn't hold down a job?
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wavering
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: Husband
«
Reply #7 on:
September 22, 2015, 10:43:25 PM »
Phoebe, thanks for your response. I am studying radical acceptance, bought a book and an ACTS workbook. Struggling to grasp the concepts, which indicates I need it, I think. To answer your questions:
I will not be surprised if my husband never works again. My frustration is his decision to not work means I will have to work as long as possible. I am 59, very healthy, have recently been promoted and in the next few years, will be mostly be mentoring less experienced administrative employees. Financially, it will be difficult due to debt in my name that I allowed my husband to accumulate while he tried several businesses. All were excellent opportunities, but he did not have the stick-to-it to work through challenges. My current career path will meet my needs financially, but will require that I work until 70+. I would rather do that by choice,and not leave for work every day with my husband still in bed.
My husband contributes effort and occasionally funds to household projects when he decides to. He will not commit to being responsible for any tasks, but will mow the grass if it gets knee deep, and will vacuum if the dog hair gets on his pants. He is frustrated by bigger projects because of grandiosity (can't paint the bathroom because he plans to move a wall eventually, etc.) He is a pipefitter by trade, and is very capable to do fix-it projects. Interestingly, after I took over management of his business, he is showing up more, helping out. But only if the notion strikes him, never volunteering to take care of a specific task.
He spends money. Cannot tell himself no as long as funds are visible. Since the postnup (specified we are each responsible for our own bills,etc.), he has maxed out his credit cards, and told me today he withdrew more money from his retirement account. I do not know if his retirement account will last until he gets social security (1 year from now). He does have a complex explanation re: why he should take SS at 62. He is able to manage his own checking account.
At this point, I am not willing to support him while he is able to work. I do not want a divorce, with counseling I have been working through the grieving process and letting go of the hope that ours will be a satisfying marriage. The real question is: am I willing to have a roommate who does not share the load? Each of us needs to contribute $1200 per month to cover household expenses. Not that much. He can stock at Walmart and make $300 per week. My challenge is getting him to put household expenses as a priority. In the past, when we split up our bills, and each of us was responsible for certain ones, he would not pay for months, then come to me for help. At that time, I bailed him out because the consequences were too high for me and our children (grown now).
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