Crush on female coworker which most likely has BPD - what to do?

[Skywanderer]

Hello everbody  

I brought myself in a situation at my workplace (I was kinda sucked in) which I am  absolutely not happy with and need some advice from somebody who has more experience dealing with bpd/npd's.

So 3 month ago I started a new job in a new town in a rather small company. Soon a girl caught my attention, she seemed interested in me pretty early on, we got along very well, having fun and interacting in a somewhat flirty way. I knew she was much younger then me, but after I found out her actually age (she is 20 but rather looks like 25-28, I am 38) I toned it down a fair bit because I felt ashamed and also because a colleague made aggressive comments towards me about dating very young girls. However she kept approaching me and after said colleague left the company I also began approaching her more often. I kept telling myself we are just friends and nothing would happen beyond that since she had a boyfriend and was nearly half my age even though I was very flattered by her flirty behaviour.
One day we had a nice conversation during lunch break and she seemed to enjoy it very much until all the sudden she snapped at me "you know I have a boyfriend". During the conversation I wasn't trying to make any moves towards her, we were only talking about holiday plans, so I felt fairly angry and mistreated. Puzzled by her behaviour I decided to avoid her the following days at work. After 4 days she came to me and asked if I thought she was fat, I didn't reply to her answer and walked away. After another 2-3 days she started making moves towards me, she would park her car next to mine, she would never park her van in that spot since it was very tight and she was afraid of having an accident, she would constantly come to me and borrow things, again I was giving her the cold shoulder. During lunch time she came into the company break room and prepared a meal as I described to her a couple weeks earlier, while doing so she constantly praised me for my for technique of how to prepare the meal, that was the point where I gave in and started talking to her again.

When she realized I still was interested in her she was hitting on me really hard. Thursday at lunch she told a coworker that she dumped her boyfriend and told him at the same time she is texting with an airline pilot, both times she made sure I could hear what they were talking about. Friday last week was what I would consider the peak, she was constantly hitting on me, she told me several times she would like me and make sexual gestures (example: she was sitting in one of our vehicles we were fixing, she looked me in the eyes putting on a childish face and whispered towards me "I really would like to lie down now and sleep", she then would get on her knees and and move her behind towards my direction). This behaviour made me very aroused and the rest of the day the only thing I could think about was her. Then she lost a tool, I thought that was my chance of winning her over, I found the tool and asked her what I would get in return, after a couple of suggestions she offered to invite me for a drink, when I said yes she was acting suprised in a very postive way. Knowing that she would leave soon for 2 weeks I was under the impression I need to make a move towards her, so last minute, while she was washing her hands, I asked for her number. After several seconds of silence she agreed to give it to me, however at this point she seemed mentally absent. I waited till she finished washing her hands after giving me her number she asked me to text her so that she would have my number too. At this point I was literally in heaven, from this minute on everything in my mind was about her.

After a couple of hours I texted her and well, she didn't reply... after one day I wrote her a message asking when she would have time for that drink. Three hours later she send me an voice message telling me that since she was leaving the company she planned to go out with the whole crew and I would then get an extra beer, while talking it seemed like she was making fun of me. I tried to play it cool and told her its all good even though I was butthurt. Within seconds my world was shattered, I felt horrible to say the least, what was I doing wrong?

The next day I decided to be productive and went for 12 mile hiking trip, while doing so I decided for myself I won't allow to be walked all over me. So I recorded a message telling her that i'm old enought to speak out what I want and what not and that my interest was not in having a free beer but getting to know her since I liked her and if she would organize a team invite I wouldn't participate. After around 45mins she replied telling me "ah ok  understood but i have no time for that im sorry and I'm really not interested need to focus on myself thank you"- the message seemed to be typed very hastily and it seemed like she lost her cool on this one. On recieving the message I was somewhat relieved to finally know what I'm dealing with... however once again I was "wtf" is going on? I tried to get closure and tell myself she said no, I should just move on. But well, her mind games had an severe impact on me and still have. For days I tried to make sense of her behaviour and why all the sudden she turned from flirting to rejecting me. I couldn't get her out of my head, it was driving me nuts... so after 3 days I got trashed on vodka and at 10pm I wrote her: "Whatever... Besides your age you don't have anything to offer so I won't be wasting my time with you anymore" - after sending the text I blocked her on my WhatsApp and decided to never look back again...

Until the next morning... when I was totally devasted about myself and what I send her the previous night, I never reacted in such a way towards a woman, I decided to call an old friend which is a psychotherapist working in an addiction rehab facility. I explained the whole situation in great detail to him and after an almost 3h long phone session he explained to me that my "dream" girl clearly shows traits of being bpd or npd. At first sight she is a quirky cute little girl which is very easy to get along with, however she is involved in dangerous self harming activities (drinking a lot, severe reckless driving), she has been sleeping around, a lot of short lived bumpy relationships, heavy mood swings, talking bad about a people she was talking only positive a mere day ago, expressing low self esteem and low value while at other times being over confident and rude, constantly pursuing big dreams but giving up on them fairly quick even after investing  a lot of time and money as soon as any trouble arise, ect. I wasn't thinking much of her behaviour since she is very young, I thought she was just having fun and had problems figuring out what she wants.

While my friend gave me some input on what I'm dealing with he really didn't give me much advice on how to act on the situation, saying that even if he encounters a lot of patients suffering from bpd it's is not his field of expertise, he practically told me to act like nothing happened and just suck it up for now.

Around 10 years ago I was in a longterm relationship with a woman which according to my therapist (I took some sessions after the break up) was showing histrionic tendencies, I took me longer then the actual relationship to recover from her abusive behaviour and I still have difficulties dealing with woman which could be potential partners. So the last few days I spent pretty much all my free time on reading about bpd and how to deal with it. I am honestly downright afraid of her since I have seen before what psychic women are capable of.

I know I also played my role in this whole thing and my second message was plain stupid and wrong ... But maybe somebody who has experienced a similar situation, has a lot of experience dealing with bpd woman or a person suffering themselfs from BPD can give me some advice on how to handle this and what she could be up to. Should I apologize for my second message? Will she talk to my coworkers that I approached her?

My best guess would be to leave her blocked on all channels, go NC and try to avoid her at work as good possible? Im scared she will try to manipulate me again and since I'm still emotionally attached will give in. She will only be in the company for another 2 weeks but at this point I am seriously considering to take one week vacation and call the other week in sick.



Thanks,


Skywanderer  



(Sorry for long text and if there any spelling mistakes, I am not an native english speaker, however I find english forums about personality disorders much more knowledgeable).

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[pursuingJoy]

The fact that you're still emotionally attached and vulnerable is something to take seriously. Distancing yourself may not be a bad idea.

I met my husband at work, and the first thing we did was go to HR to make sure we followed all policies about dating, even public displays of affection. We asked a lot of questions to make sure we wouldn't be in violation or even accused of violating policy.

I'd keep records of any messages sent and document the timeline as well as you can. At the risk of sounding paranoid, if for some reason she stays with the company and decides to wreak havoc, or just decides to talk to coworkers and stir the pot before she leaves, think about steps you can take to protect yourself. I'm pretty sure that opening any kind of dialogue with her right now is a bad idea, including apologizing for the second text. Blocking her was probably a good idea.

A friend once told me to look at the people I'd dated and look for the common thread, what they all shared, that I'd find myself in the patterns. The fact that you've been drawn to multiple people displaying similar emotional dysregulation may be an indicator of some healing that needs to happen on your part. What was your part in this, and why did you play it?

[once removed]

the attention had to be incredibly flattering. in high school i was never a big move maker so to speak, and more reserved, so i mostly fell for gals that pursued me.

My best guess would be to leave her blocked on all channels, go NC and try to avoid her at work as good possible?

i agree with pursuingJoy that distancing yourself would be good.

i would not necessarily make any big, dramatic moves, like blocking her; that could backfire. i would just lay low. if there is any interaction, i would just be boring, and totally professional. i wouldnt initiate anything, but i wouldnt show any particular emotion if she does.

what do you think?

[Skywanderer]

So,

I probably just saw her for the last time... she looked like a mess, totally hungover, her face greasy, her hair messy „I was partying all weekend“ – no doubt about that, she sure got some action...

On arrival she clearly didn't wan't to see me, she ran into the company trying to avoid me at all cost. When I left the company she was about to start the car, my coworker went to have a quick chat with her, so I followed him, she seemed stressed out seeing me, she looked ashamed, after my colleague finished the dialog with her I gave her a small gift, she asked me if it was ramen, I said yes, wished her well and left. With squeaking tires she took off, claiming she was in a hurry since she had a job interview.

Why the gift? I bought it when I heard she will leave the company and before she started acting out, I wanted a clean cut for me, I bought it for her, I couldn't return it, so she might as well have it. I wrote her a small card saying good bye and wishing her well in the future in a very diplomatic way.

A week ago I was approached by our secretary which told me she won't return to the company since she had 2 weeks vacation left which she needed to take, on one hand I was happy I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, on the other I felt so incredibly sad  that for probably the first time in 10 years I had to cry for several hours straight. I haven't felt such intense emotions in a very very long time, the loss of her, the heartbreak of the rejection, being angry about falling in love with one of the crazy ones again and also I felt so incredibly sad for her, how somebody that young can already be so badly damaged, her life sure won't be nice...

Luckily it seems she didn't make much drama about me, I noticed for a while people were giving me strange looks when her name was mentioned. Only one guy seems to know a little more about the whole drama, he still gives me the „look“. I'm starting to open up to other people in the company telling them what happened and so that they know my side of the story.

It probably will take a whole lot of time to finally get closure. Its amazing how somebody like her could set my world upside down in a matter of weeks and leave me wounded for month. I will get over it eventually... Seeing her for what she is clearly helps and the more I see of her the more cetain I am she is deeply flawed and will only do me harm.

The one thing that I absolutely cannot understand, why would she chase me for 1 ½ weeks, tell me how much she likes me, makes those sexual gestures, gives me her number, tell me to message her and then within 48hrs discard me and treat me like a bag of rubbish... Why was she doing that? Revenge for ignoring her? Idealizing me and then splitting?

[pursuingJoy]

It sounds like it worked out as well as it could have. What do you think?

The one thing that I absolutely cannot understand, why would she chase me for 1 ½ weeks, tell me how much she likes me, makes those sexual gestures, gives me her number, tell me to message her and then within 48hrs discard me and treat me like a bag of rubbish... Why was she doing that? Revenge for ignoring her? Idealizing me and then splitting?

Hard to say why she did it. We all crave human connection. Sometimes when people feel alone or lost, the 'hit' they get when someone gives them the extra look, walks over to talk to them or compliments them makes them feel better for a moment. They may or may not want anything more than that, or consider how their actions affect other people. Doesn't make her a bad person, per se. I'm guessing we've all done this to some degree.

You've done some introspection. What have you learned about yourself through this experience?

pj

[By Still Water]

I’m wondering if the root of “bait and shun” behavior is the desire to have a romantic interest fight to win them - thus making the bait-stunner feel highly valued that someone would vault hurdles for their love.

[Skywanderer]

I’m wondering if the root of “bait and shun” behavior is the desire to have a romantic interest fight to win them - thus making the bait-stunner feel highly valued that someone would vault hurdles for their love.

Well, of course I spend the last 2 weeks on reading and listening to YT videos about bpd and their behaviour. First a few things I forgot to mention, she was on a training course the last 2 weeks, so I didn't see her during that time, she was there with my colleague (the one which still gives me the strange look...). She only came to the company today to return her work clothing, keys ect. at the end of the shift (~15mins).

So, things haven't been just going on for the said 1 1/2 weeks, that was just the timeframe where things got more intense. On the last day I brought some photos of my time living down under over 10 years ago, she was clearly impressed, while those pictures were passed around I stated that I met a lot of people who just went there to get drunk, smoke pot, party and whore around and that was clearly not my niche, I went there to experience and see the country. In a rather coded language (it took me 3 days to figure that out) she admitted that was pretty much what she was doing while staying there (partying, sleeping around, crashing a rental camper and flying back home broke). Second, 2 days earlier she mentioned she just seperated from her boyfriend and while communicating that she made sure I could hear it, almost like she was telling me: "I'm free, make your move". Third, she mentioned she was chatting with another guy, an airline pilot. Rather by accident I stumbled across said airline pilots social media and well, to me it was pretty much obvious right away the guy was either being nice, looking to score some meat or has some codependency issues, he clearly has much better "game" then her.

So... by avoiding her for a week or so I made her feel abandoned and I also know in some ways she was looking up to me so there was some form of idealization, I assume those are the reasons she started chasing me, at the same time she came out fresh of an relationship. Now I rather accidently critized her, which she has issues dealing with, at the same time she had a new "option" on the line which was younger, higher status, better paid ect. then me and probably up to this point didn't trigger any fears of abandonment in her. I assume the combo of critizism and having an better option caused her to split on me, devalueing me right away after she reached her goal, me admitting to her that I like her.

It's also possible that she was fooling with me all along the way but I rather doubt that, her behaviour over the past 3 month indicates there must have been some genuine interest along the way...

To me it seems her fantasy world crashed. Probably the better "option" didn't work, and I told her she had nothing to offer besides her age, something is going on with here, even other people at work noticed how beat up and rough she looked today. I believe its only a matter of time until she will totally rupture...

Another story popped up today that made me rather unsettled, an old colleague popped up today (the one criticizing me for approaching "way to young girls") telling us that he spend a night at her parents hotel which he was given in return for towing her broken car. He told us about her smile while she was helping out in her parents hotel restaurant. I wonder if there was more going on then him just enjoying a nice meal and a night at that hotel. My histronic ex was doing some f***ed up sh** like that... Just to mention it, that dude is in his late 50's and not that much of pretty sight...

While it made me feel aroused in the beginning when she played the little girl and made her sexual gestures the more I think about it I feel deeply disturbed, to me it seems she clearly has some daddy issues. It certainly is not up to me to diagnose her or make claims her about her past but her behaviour gives me a pretty good idea of what must have happened in her child hood and why she turned the way she is...

You've done some introspection. What have you learned about yourself through this experience?

If it's to good to be true it probably is... It's not up to me to fix anybody. I missed a couple of red flags but in my defense I have to say, I normally encounter a "crazy" one every 12-18 month and usually I see them for who they really are pretty early on, however she was a bit hard to spot, young people are undecided and party a lot...

I clearly need to do some work on my side. I still have codependent issues... Also I should start to take care of myself more, I became a bit of a loner after my histrionic ex, I locked myself up. When she (the young bpd) entered my world she represented everything I was craving, being young again, having a party, enjoying life to the fullest. I want to go out more again, enjoy life... meet other people, make new connections, something I have been missing for years but was afraid to do.

[Couper]

The one thing that I absolutely cannot understand, why would she chase me for 1 ½ weeks, tell me how much she likes me, makes those sexual gestures, gives me her number, tell me to message her and then within 48hrs discard me and treat me like a bag of rubbish... Why was she doing that? Revenge for ignoring her? Idealizing me and then splitting?

A recurring theme in my uBPDw's past is she, "wants a man that will fight for her".  Well, if there is no competition, then fight for what?  Years before I came along she was dating some guy in college and it took the usual trajectory of rainbows and lollypops to progressively more fighting.  They were in her dorm room fighting about some inconsequential thing and he's going "wtf?" and then she says, "If you don't want to be here, then why don't you just break up with me?".  He gets quiet, gives it a few minutes to ponder, and then says, "I'm breaking up with you." and leaves.  She proceeds to trash the room, ripping things off the wall, flipping over furniture, freaking out her roommate that was present for all of this.

See, in her mind there was right and wrong answer.  He was being put into a position of having to choose between her and something else and he chose the wrong answer.  She gambled and lost.  She constructed the scenario so that he would have to "fight for her" and he was wise enough to realize that there shouldn't be any kind of fight in the first place, refused to play, and she couldn't deal with the rejection.  Perhaps something similar happened in your scenario.  

[Skywanderer]

A recurring theme in my uBPDw's past is she, "wants a man that will fight for her".  Well, if there is no competition, then fight for what?

Well, this has been a recurring theme in my dating life ever since... From my early 20s up to my current age I could name you at least 10 woman which either showed public interest or claimed to be seriously interested in me. All of em played "hard to get", most of em were of some interest to me, some not, on 2 I had a serious crush. Those I tried to approach would reject me, play silly games ect. but at the same time create drama around me, I remember sitting in the university library when I heard a bunch of girls talking about me "ain't that the guy luisa has a crush on? she is so heartbroken about him..." - a girl I was talking to 3 times at a party and which I would see maybe once a week in some class but besides that had 0 interaction. None of em would ever make a serious approach towards me... Quite a few had a boyfriend. One girl would keep it up for almost 10 years, telling my mom one time to ring at her door bell since I was working near where she lived. Up to my early 30s this caused a lot of frustration in me, it burned a hole in my heart, a void that was then abused by my histrionic ex. Nowadays I don't care much anymore. I used to be the quiet shy guy, tall handsome, somewhat dark - I believe it created desires in a lot of those woman. In retrospect thinking about those woman they were all pretty much the same type, somewhat average, kinda cute, helpless, low self esteem, all of em had a lot of relationships that would only last from several month to maybe 1-2 years at most, none of em got any better with age.

I'm not sure if any of these woman had serious interest in me or if I was just a platform to get attention and create drama. Some of em seemed to phantasize about me, being the dark mistery. What upset me the most and left me frustrated was the fact while those girls would play "hard to get" towards me, they would engage in one night stands and have relationships with very low status people and to me it seemed they weren't playing those games with these guys.

Anyways, what I learned thru counseling after my histrionic ex, people who pretend to like you but hurt you emtional in a bad way so themself can feel better are not the type of people you would want to be together with. No one should ever hurt anybody else in order to make themself feel better. Even if somebody has a personality disorder, to me this is not an exuse for their behaviour, it might be the explanation but still it is totally wrong.

About my little cute bpd, yes, she definitely gambled, making her self feeling good, and there were the things which I pointed out in my post above. Her reactions cleary show it was not the outcome she intented and it seems she fell deep. Also I believe she was dissociating when I asked her for her number, she seemed mentally totally absent, like she wasn't there.

The decision to "dodge a bullet" wasn't even consious from my side, at some point in life I adopted the strategy to hurt people, which were showing traits of being toxic to such an extend they simply wouldn't want to deal with me anymore. This has worked out quite well a lot of times when I was in a weak state, but you have to be very careful when to use this weapon. It should only be used in an environment where you can be certain the toxic person won't be able to have any impact on your social surroundings. I'm not sure if it was the right move pulling it at her since she still has some influence on my colleagues.

I made good progress of getting over her however to me the question still remains, why did she do that? Was she simply trying to make me like her to boost her ego (she clearly likes male attention)? I talked to my other colleagues, she wasn't making any moves on them. Was/Is it a hard to get game play? Even after all the analyzing her behaviour leaves me puzzled...

I'm considering apologizing to her just for the sake of it to see if there is any reaction at all to get some closure on my end. I'm also wondering why she still has my phone number, girls have deleted and blocked me for far less then what I "did" to her...

[Cat Familiar]

You got out of this relatively unscathed. What positive thing do you imagine happening should you contact her again?