The deep loneliness after after a BPD relationship

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I googled the very words in this subject line tonight.  I was bought to the following thread. A few years old but like so very many posts here, very helpful and so insightful.  I struggle with this type of loneliness a year later. This is a loneliness I had never felt before.  I was so self sufficient, more than being someone I had ever thought of as codependent. I think I could also say I got an A+ in self sufficiency, before.  My friends who watched me go through this r/s asked many times where their strong, happy, self sufficient, and peaceful friend went?  I want to get back my self sufficient, super strong- being alone and liking it- self.  It's a slow process.  Slowlybutsurely and patientandclear really hit the nail on the head on how I feel and I thought this thread may also help others. My expBPD met a self sufficient person and systemically blew a hole right through that. He was the one who appeared so vulnerable. So needy. I did not. As we grew together in the idealization phase he said these words so very often. Even wrote them to me:  I want to take care of you forever. No one has ever or will ever care for or love you as I do.  Please don't ever change a thing about yourself or give your heart to another. Just be yourself. I love you just the way your are. I want to take care of us. Forever. I long for that day.  I will never leave you, you're a part of me forever. In fact, you could't push me away... .if you tried. Can't lose you. Ever. 

Those were words I had never heard or ever felt I needed to hear.  I guess I did and I fell for it. Fully. I let my guard down. I think it was torn down, actually.  I loved being myself with him. So very much. In every way. No pretenses what so ever. I can even recall a time that he asked me to meet him for an early morning coffee... .wear no make up, don't even brush your teeth, just be you, my beautiful love.  I felt that odd but so very truly endearing.   Oh how safe and relaxing it felt to be silly and free and be me. Share just about everything together while eyes gazed deeply into mine, professing his love wrapped in genuine? understanding, warmth, touch, and laugher.  Its amazing how this happens.

From Slowlybutsurely:

   

The deep loneliness after a BPD relationship

« on: October 21, 2012, 12:02:55 AM »

Hi All,

Before the relationship with my ex (it lasted a year), I experienced loneliness sometimes, but never a deep loneliness. For my whole life, I could be alone a lot and not get too lonely. In some ways, I felt so strong, and I was, I was, I really really was... .

But now? I don't know what happened to me in the relationship with the ex. Since breaking up with her (NC for over a year) I've felt the most intense and profound loneliness I've ever experienced in my life. In fact, it goes beyond mere 'loneliness,' though that's how it feels mainly. It's like the relationship opened up a chasm in my heart/soul that wasn't there before. I don't know how to describe it.  It feels like the ex blew a gigantic hole through my heart/soul.  I don't know. I do know this though; i never felt this way before her. I know that.

I read on the board a lot that we need to feel okay in ourselves and be okay being alone before we can be with someone else. But all of this used to come so easily to me, and I had all the skills, and I didn't suffer much. I would have gotten an A++++++ in self care/being okay being alone.  I knew how to be alone and not be lonely. But now? Yeah, not so much. I wonder what the heck happened, and how to fix it? 

It seems to me that many of us have had this experience.

I wonder what the heck happened along the way?

Response from patientandclear:

   

Re: The deep loneliness after a BPD relationship

« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2012, 01:51:32 AM »

I'm with you entirely SBS (as usual).

I agree that the usual formulation of "this r/s was a blessing in disguise because it illuminates healing you needed to do due to pre-existing wounds" falls a bit flat with me.  Like you, I was fine being alone before this r/s.  Not now.  It created a gaping hole where none had been before -- it's not that it exposed the hole, it made the hole.

Maybe the answer lies in the "lonely child" analysis.  Maybe we had done such a good job of being strong all that time that we had overcompensated.  So when someone finally came along and made that seem unnecessary, we jumped at it with a fervor that came from the fact that indeed, something was missing all along, something we'd been pretending to ourselves we could do without.  So the lesson to be taken away is actually the opposite of "learn to be OK being alone."  It's "accept that you are actually looking for something besides self-sufficiency."  That's hard, given the absence of that thing presently.  But I think that may be what is actually going on with a significant minority of us -- not the co-dependent wing, but the self-sufficient wing.

Many years ago, I had a brief affair with the man I should have spent the rest of my life with.  It was my fault, not his, that we didn't -- that's another story, but the main issue was that I was very young and not yet ready to find that person.  Anyway, at one point I surprised myself utterly by asking him, out of the blue, "will  you take care of me?"  I had never, ever, thought of myself as wanting or needing to be taken care of.  Never gave it much thought again till it surfaced in meditation as I tried to recover from this recent BPD r/s.

I think the memory surfaced because that is what I thought I had found with my BPDexbf: someone who would be capable of taking care of me.  Truly seeing me, standing by me, being strong for me, not draining me emotionally like some prior partners (ha!).

I couldn't have been more wrong about him, but that's who I thought I'd found.  I told friends I was finally in love with someone emotionally healthy.  It's like I relaxed at an existential level in a way I hadn't for decades, maybe ever.

And then he attacked and betrayed me.

And somehow the combination of feeling so secure and understood -- so accepted as and for myself -- and then being so utterly spurned and discarded by the very same person, inflicted a really primal wound.

I remember a poignant post by "1989" who wrote that with her BPDex, she felt she could really be herself in a way that she couldn't with other romantic interests/partners.  She could be silly, be awkward, be just her.  And that's what he liked.  Of course, we know now that this is mirroring and idealization.  But it creates this feeling of safety.  And relaxation.  And letting one's guard down.  And the impulse to let the other person into the very most interior places we have.

I think only someone in those innermost places can blast the kind of hole you're talking about in our hearts and psyches.

[Caredverymuch]

I googled the very words in this subject line tonight.  I was bought to the following thread. A few years old but like so very many posts here, very helpful and so insightful.  I struggle with this type of loneliness a year later. This is a loneliness I had never felt before.  I was so self sufficient, more than being someone I had ever thought of as codependent. I think I could also say I got an A+ in self sufficiency, before.  My friends who watched me go through this r/s asked many times where their strong, happy, self sufficient, and peaceful friend went?  I want to get back my self sufficient, super strong- being alone and liking it- self.  It's a slow process.  Slowlybutsurely and patientandclear really hit the nail on the head on how I feel and I thought this thread may also help others. My expBPD met a self sufficient person and systemically blew a hole right through that. He was the one who appeared so vulnerable. So needy. I did not. As we grew together in the idealization phase he said these words so very often. Even wrote them to me:  I want to take care of you forever. No one has ever or will ever care for or love you as I do.  Please don't ever change a thing about yourself or give your heart to another. Just be yourself. I love you just the way your are. I want to take care of us. Forever. I long for that day.  I will never leave you, you're a part of me forever. In fact, you could't push me away... .if you tried. Can't lose you. Ever. 

Those were words I had never heard or ever felt I needed to hear.  I guess I did and I fell for it. Fully. I let my guard down. I think it was torn down, actually.  I loved being myself with him. So very much. In every way. No pretenses what so ever. I can even recall a time that he asked me to meet him for an early morning coffee... .wear no make up, don't even brush your teeth, just be you, my beautiful love.  I felt that odd but so very truly endearing.   Oh how safe and relaxing it felt to be silly and free and be me. Share just about everything together while eyes gazed deeply into mine, professing his love wrapped in genuine? understanding, warmth, touch, and laugher.  Its amazing how this happens.

From Slowlybutsurely:

   

The deep loneliness after a BPD relationship

« on: October 21, 2012, 12:02:55 AM »

Hi All,

Before the relationship with my ex (it lasted a year), I experienced loneliness sometimes, but never a deep loneliness. For my whole life, I could be alone a lot and not get too lonely. In some ways, I felt so strong, and I was, I was, I really really was... .

But now? I don't know what happened to me in the relationship with the ex. Since breaking up with her (NC for over a year) I've felt the most intense and profound loneliness I've ever experienced in my life. In fact, it goes beyond mere 'loneliness,' though that's how it feels mainly. It's like the relationship opened up a chasm in my heart/soul that wasn't there before. I don't know how to describe it.  It feels like the ex blew a gigantic hole through my heart/soul.  I don't know. I do know this though; i never felt this way before her. I know that.

I read on the board a lot that we need to feel okay in ourselves and be okay being alone before we can be with someone else. But all of this used to come so easily to me, and I had all the skills, and I didn't suffer much. I would have gotten an A++++++ in self care/being okay being alone.  I knew how to be alone and not be lonely. But now? Yeah, not so much. I wonder what the heck happened, and how to fix it? 

It seems to me that many of us have had this experience.

I wonder what the heck happened along the way?

Response from patientandclear:

   

Re: The deep loneliness after a BPD relationship

« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2012, 01:51:32 AM »

I'm with you entirely SBS (as usual).

I agree that the usual formulation of "this r/s was a blessing in disguise because it illuminates healing you needed to do due to pre-existing wounds" falls a bit flat with me.  Like you, I was fine being alone before this r/s.  Not now.  It created a gaping hole where none had been before -- it's not that it exposed the hole, it made the hole.

Maybe the answer lies in the "lonely child" analysis.  Maybe we had done such a good job of being strong all that time that we had overcompensated.  So when someone finally came along and made that seem unnecessary, we jumped at it with a fervor that came from the fact that indeed, something was missing all along, something we'd been pretending to ourselves we could do without.  So the lesson to be taken away is actually the opposite of "learn to be OK being alone."  It's "accept that you are actually looking for something besides self-sufficiency."  That's hard, given the absence of that thing presently.  But I think that may be what is actually going on with a significant minority of us -- not the co-dependent wing, but the self-sufficient wing.

Many years ago, I had a brief affair with the man I should have spent the rest of my life with.  It was my fault, not his, that we didn't -- that's another story, but the main issue was that I was very young and not yet ready to find that person.  Anyway, at one point I surprised myself utterly by asking him, out of the blue, "will  you take care of me?"  I had never, ever, thought of myself as wanting or needing to be taken care of.  Never gave it much thought again till it surfaced in meditation as I tried to recover from this recent BPD r/s.

I think the memory surfaced because that is what I thought I had found with my BPDexbf: someone who would be capable of taking care of me.  Truly seeing me, standing by me, being strong for me, not draining me emotionally like some prior partners (ha!).

I couldn't have been more wrong about him, but that's who I thought I'd found.  I told friends I was finally in love with someone emotionally healthy.  It's like I relaxed at an existential level in a way I hadn't for decades, maybe ever.

And then he attacked and betrayed me.

And somehow the combination of feeling so secure and understood -- so accepted as and for myself -- and then being so utterly spurned and discarded by the very same person, inflicted a really primal wound.

I remember a poignant post by "1989" who wrote that with her BPDex, she felt she could really be herself in a way that she couldn't with other romantic interests/partners.  She could be silly, be awkward, be just her.  And that's what he liked.  Of course, we know now that this is mirroring and idealization.  But it creates this feeling of safety.  And relaxation.  And letting one's guard down.  And the impulse to let the other person into the very most interior places we have.

I think only someone in those innermost places can blast the kind of hole you're talking about in our hearts and psyches.

[myself]

When we felt so close with them, the space felt filled in ways it doesn't when we're on our own again. When you're by yourself it's a different kind of togetherness than when you're in an intimate relationship. The betrayals, disordered patterns, and dishonesty so many of us go through can echo like a recurring What the heck in our lives. Is the emptiness we feel because we're now more needy (or exposed) than we were before? Being open and real was the best we could have been. Missing sharing that with someone = loneliness.

[Mr Hollande]

After my first BPD relationship ended 14 years ago I found myself revelling not in the loneliness but the solitude. After all the pain, fear, shouting, screaming, violence and humiliation had ended I found myself in a vast empty space of peace and quiet. That in itself was a great healer.

[Caredverymuch]

When we felt so close with them, the space felt filled in ways it doesn't when we're on our own again. When you're by yourself it's a different kind of togetherness than when you're in an intimate relationship. The betrayals, disordered patterns, and dishonesty so many of us go through can echo like a recurring What the heck in our lives. Is the emptiness we feel because we're now more needy (or exposed) than we were before? Being open and real was the best we could have been. Missing sharing that with someone = loneliness.

Thats a good question Missing. Its interesting you use the word " empty."  Thats a word he always used to describe how he felt.  In our absence. I never understood what it felt like to feel empty.  As my post says, I could be alone and sometimes feel lonely of course.  But it was the normal kind of feeling.  One that passes with a good book, etc.  Much of what I have felt since this r/s ended is indeed empty.  Like he projected that onto me with all else.

I can best describe perhaps what occurred as heart annihilation. Most relationships have healthy mirroring. You listen to one another and some things you share and find you have in common.  Somethings you think you want to try based on the other partners interest. Something's you don't quite understand that the other partner may have experienced but your empathy allows you to think more broadly, etc. The BPD r/s is nothing like that.  Its like 30,000 depths under the sea different in terms of bonding or what we thought was intimacy.  Here a person comes into your life.  And its just there.  And oh how real it feels.  How could it feel anything but real when someone appears to be listening with their wide open kind heart.  And saying things to you that feel just like you have felt so easily. Without you having to say a word.  Then it gets taken further from the " chills and heart skips" to someone really opening wide and making you feel so entirely safe and accepted that you slowly start to as well.  And every time you open a bit.  Its met with warm beautiful eyes and touch. And a sense of mutual knowing thats soo easy.  And the closeness growing effortlessly.  With someone listening to you and sharing back so easily. And understanding it all.  Like the other half of you. Saying how safe they feel with you and how they have never felt this safe ever being themselves. And your inner voice is saying as " me too."  And you just are completely yourself with this person. Naked on all levels. Soul to soul. Its an ease never even imagined let alone being now experienced.  You are being loved in that wide open, safe, relaxed, incredibly understood, wanted and deeply cared for way with no space between you.  And your logical mind is saying how can this be happening.  Im so logical. Mature. Self sufficient. Non needy.  Strong. But your heart and soul are speaking otherwise. So is your partner.  Every moment of the day.  I can even recall a time that I said to him.  I just cant believe this is happening to me. I never knew this type of love existed and Im really scared.  "its real my love. Its us.  We finally found each other. ".   You trust this person with your every fiber.  Your heart. And your soul.  Then they rip you to shreds.  Out of no where.  Annihilate your heart. Slowly. With manipulations that are confounding.  And discard you.  Like dirt on the sole of a shoe. 

Thats the gapping hole. 

[Narellan]

Caredverymuch   my love connection was the same. I've been over 4 months NC now and I haven't cried for a week. Progress. But reading your post made me cry. The profound sadness at losing my partner who also said these things to me. He told me he would never hurt me, that he'd waited his whole life for me and that I was " forever entwined in his soul" then he left, with no reason or explanation and moved on like I was nothing to him.

It's so very soul destroying isn't it? I feel empty now with no interest in anything. I do stuff and keep busy and get a certain satisfaction out of achieving things like doing my garden etc but I'm so unhappy. And I miss having him with me, i miss being the person I was with him. Carefree and spontaneous and happy.

[bb12]

I think that initial and very deep loneliness we feel after these relationships is in fact a long-standing and core loneliness we have been carrying for our own inner child.

The jig is up when a BPD r/ship ends. We are baffled, rejected, shamed and the self-sufficiency we projected for many years doesn't work any more. It was a front and never real.

The pain and loneliness we feel in those first couple of years post-borderline is actually us being real with ourselves. We feel emotions more deeply than ever before because in our heart of hearts we know nothing can be faked any more. We tried everything with our borderline and it didn't work, so my own take on this is that it is a truth or depth of experience we've never known. The pain of these break-ups force us to examine everything ad nauseam. Them, the beginning, the ending, and finally ourselves.

My journey recently brought to inner child work and feelings of shame and inadequacy I have carried for years. In acquiescing and complying with abusive parents, I abandoned myself. A false self was created out of necessity and when the pwBPD shatters this, perhaps we see our wounded inner child for the first time and feel their loneliness in one overwhelming surge?

bb12

[charred]

Its more than loneliness... .the pwBPD love bombs you during the idealization phase. That mirroring and love bombing seems like unconditional love, the kind an infant needs from a parent. At some point you accept the pwBPD as a primary relationship... a psuedo-parent... and feel both the wonder of being a kid again and all your long repressed emotions both good and bad come out. When the pwBPD starts being clingy... it makes no sense... you are hooked and would never leave them... but just like you they are replaying very old wounds and behavior. When they end it or you do... you know something isn't normal about the breakup. The pain is far too intense and long lasting... more like a parent dying than just breaking up with someone. In fact it is just like a parent dying... the ideal parent you never had... only they are often still around, making it insanely tempting to try and get them back if you can... but if you do, it all happens again and again.

[Caredverymuch]

After my first BPD relationship ended 14 years ago I found myself revelling not in the loneliness but the solitude. After all the pain, fear, shouting, screaming, violence and humiliation had ended I found myself in a vast empty space of peace and quiet. That in itself was a great healer.

Thank you for sharing that Mr Hollande. 14 years is quite a long time to endure what you did and you deserve your peace in solitude. Although I don't doubt living with a pBPD can be quite emotionally exhausting at times, perhaps I missed him as I did not endure all that you did or live with him. Thank you for your support and wisdom.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch   my love connection was the same. I've been over 4 months NC now and I haven't cried for a week. Progress. But reading your post made me cry. The profound sadness at losing my partner who also said these things to me. He told me he would never hurt me, that he'd waited his whole life for me and that I was " forever entwined in his soul" then he left, with no reason or explanation and moved on like I was nothing to him.

It's so very soul destroying isn't it? I feel empty now with no interest in anything. I do stuff and keep busy and get a certain satisfaction out of achieving things like doing my garden etc but I'm so unhappy. And I miss having him with me, i miss being the person I was with him. Carefree and spontaneous and happy.

Narellan, first I am so sorry that my post made your cry. Many of the posts here do the same to me. Reading words and stories that are so similar to my experience, of course the heart just swells with emotion and remembrance. And empathy for our family here struggling in their own ways. Even on a good "strong" day, the tears are right below the surface and rise easily with the remembrance.

Yes, I do feel soul destroyed. The very person who bought me to that depth of love with such a presence in my life also just left me in a similar way, it sounds, as your situation. You read and you learn and grow in many ways of understanding of this d/o but nothing really feels the same anymore. Despite the learning. 

I lost so much more than just a man. The heart is bruised in a way only our friends here know. He took my heart with him. You see, he asked for my heart and for a good logical while, I guarded it. Until he truly gave me his. All of it. My heart is yours he said. Yours. It's always been you. I just had to find you.  He begged for my heart to be his.  In the most beautiful ways. Not only in words. He showed me with so very many beautiful ways. How to say. I love you. Only you. He touched and stroked and held my heart.  So carefully, protected it in wonder and a blessed warm place. He laid his heart upon mine. Deep oneness. Almost a holy place. Someone who brings all of that beauty in shared essence. There is no way to feel it isn't real. None.

Then becomes the person who delivers the most devastating blows. Hurt. More hurt. Pull. More hurt. Push. Pull. Promises. Tears. Big. Soaking his face. Apologies. Pleas. Love. He pleads; Please don't leave me. I love you. So much. Please. I am so scared without you. Push. Abandonment. Gone. Black. Forgotten.  All in a whirl of confusion and disbelief. A literal attack of the heart. Your heart literally hurts. I would hold my hand over my heart. And just cry. Your breathe is knocked from within you. Your stomach hurts. You feel shaky and weak. Faint. So distant from the present. So distant.

Where are you, my love? Where did you go? Come back. Where are you? My love   Please. Come back.

You go from being at your best, fullest, absolutely the epitome of what you know to be love to a place of the lowest most soul hemorrhaging depth of grief. And the person who invoked such genuine trust and warmth. Understanding. Commitment. Love.  And eternal sense of presence in your being. Whom you loved. Is gone.  Doesn't care. Isn't there. Doesn't want to talk to you. Doesn't want to know you. The one you talked to. Opened all the way up to. Together. For for hours. Every day. For Months. Maybe years. Is gone. Can't give you the time of day.  All gone. Alone. So alone. Never felt so alone or knew this aloneness. Ever. Even existed. This can't be real. It can't.

You feel beyond lost. And you are.

And although it's better in so many, many ways now with the healing process. The hands of time do work at their own pace.  And nothing truly feels the same inside. The happiness I knew long before I knew him. That super easy happy, just because, happy. Is foreign. As I continue to heal.

And yes, I do miss him. The simple ways. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss the way he smelled. I miss his hand on my leg as we rode and we talked. I miss how we laughed so hard together, at just the same time. Tears of laughter. I  miss our music. I miss going to church together. I miss the way he walked. I miss saying good morning and good night . I  miss holding his hand.  I miss our embrace and all that words couldn't ever say, in that shared warm, deeply loving place. I miss how he rubbed my back so lightly. And kissed me.   I miss how I rubbed his neck,  as he told me about his day. I miss walking with him. I miss coffee with him. I miss seeing him.  I miss it all.  I guess you know what I mean. Even though the d/o came with all that we know. I do miss him. I always will. But I am healing. And I will continue to heal. Until my super, easy, just because happy is back 

Thank you for your support and your sharing. I hope you continue on your path of healing as I do for all of us here. This site is a true blessing.

[Mr Hollande]

After my first BPD relationship ended 14 years ago I found myself revelling not in the loneliness but the solitude. After all the pain, fear, shouting, screaming, violence and humiliation had ended I found myself in a vast empty space of peace and quiet. That in itself was a great healer.

Thank you for sharing that Mr Hollande. 14 years is quite a long time to endure what you did and you deserve your peace in solitude. Although I don't doubt living with a pBPD can be quite emotionally exhausting at times, perhaps I missed him as I did not endure all that you did or live with him. Thank you for your support and wisdom.

I may not have expressed myself clearly enough and for that I apologise. I was with a woman who I only recently understood had BPD 14 years ago. Let's call her BPD 1. That relationship only lasted a year but the aftermath was all the messier and left a deep scar in my soul. Much because I didn't have the knowledge and understanding I do now. It was during a second relationship with the woman who left me 2 months ago (BPD 2) when I learned about BPD which made me realise that BPD 1 had also had it. I still recall the tranquility after BPD1 had gone. A vast silent void so intensely peaceful it had a deep hum to it. Like the wind sweeping gently through a pine forest. I know I stayed in the comfort and safety of that state of mind for too long and what brought me out of it was meeting BPD2 8-9 years later. 14 years on on and here I am. The first time around I was weary, bewildered, ashamed and terrified over some of my actions during my time with BPD1. She really had brought out the worst in me and I still wonder who the person who'd inhabited my body during that time was. The aftermath of BPD2 is different. Painful yes but not as terrifying. I can calmly look myself in the mirror and say "OK, you know what happened, you allowed yourself to be conned into a second helping and now it's time to learn to understand why".

I can't take credit for much. I've been lazy and complacent and for that I got tricked twice. I read many of the stories here and although I have the same experience I consider myself blessed compared to other members. I was on a dark ride but not half as dark as it has been and continues to be for others. I'm sorry if that seems arrogant. It's not meant to be.

But I digress. My point was that the loneliness doesn't have to be just that. It can be a nurturing solitude. Just don't stay in it for too long like I did.

[irishmarmot]

Reading all the posts about finding true love rings true for me too.  And my expwBPD was a good looking woman also.  Now that I am at 5 months NC and can see clearly about the relationship ; that feeling of understanding that I thought was love was an illusion.  That was not the way she was truly feeling, she was deeply troubled and had a keen awareness of what she thought I wanted in a woman and mirrored it back to quite successfully.   And when it ended, it wasn't just another gf breakup.  It was the end of my dream come true.  The perfect woman for me or so I thought.  Now I see it for what it was, fairytale romances are just that and it take mutual respect, understanding,  and time to build a healthy relationship.   I can thank my expwBPD for making me aware of this after the fact.  I understand her illness like everyone else here but I don't lose sleep at night thinking about her.  And the shadow of that relationship does not prevent me from being happy.