No more rages since I am not living there

[lark265]

My wife (who has BPD traits) and I have been separated for about 6 years.  I live 10 minutes away and our two kids, ages 8 and 11, live with her. That's OK.  Much of the heavy dust has settled.  Our kids have more stability now.  No more rages since I am not living there.  They are too young to understand it yet.  She has filed for divorce and I feel like I am in some sort of denial about it.  I am the one who left, but now my head tells me I want to go back.  It feels like I miss being with my kids all the time.  I only rent a room in a house and don't have room for overnight visits.  I am not sure why i am not glad and more peaceful now that we are apart.  Until she filed for divorce last year, I had always hoped we would "get back."  To be "one big happy family."  Why can I not remember the harder times?  I have been dumped before and, while it hurt a LOT, there were clear boundaries and rules.  There was a course for recovery.  Not so in this case.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi lark265,

Would she be interested in “dating” you? Having any kind of romance with you?

Is there a way to get more time with the kids? Can you have her and them over together to your place for meals? Get her interested in doing activities with you and the kids?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi lark265, that's a tough situation. I know from experience that kids make things a lot more complicated. I know all about wanting to keep the family whole. 

Let's say if the kids were not in the picture, for example already grown up and moved out, would you still want this relationship? Or is the "big happy family" you want?

~ROE