My 29 year old daughter and her 5 year old son live with me and always have. I have been helping to raise him. My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. From birth she has been very ovewhelmed with being a mother. She shared with me when he was around two that she hadn't really wanted him and still wasn't sure she wanted to even be a mom. I have been his primary caregiver almost from the beginning. As she would get easily overwhelmed and frustrated, I would let her walk away and I would step in. I thought in time things would get better. They have not.
Almost two years ago, the daycare center he had been in called CPS. Apparently, they had been telling her for months that they were concerned about his development and lack of speech. Encouraging her to seek help. She had not even mentioned it to me. She was friendly with one of the staff members and was sharing with her how she took him to daycare because she "just couldn't deal with him". This is what prompted the call. I received a call from the worker assigned to the case who explained what the allegations were. I sat down to have a discussion with my daughter. This is when she said she just didn't want to be a mom. She couldn't deal with him and just looking at him made her angry. She saw his father when she looked at him (a toxic relationship she had been in with a narcissistic person). I brought up about him being evaluated by a doctor and the daycare's concerns and she just didnt' want to deal with any of it. At that time I asked her to sign a delegation of parental authority so I could seek treatment for him. She wanted time to herself, to figure out what she wanted to do she said. I agreed as long as she would agree to watch him three days a week for me.
I became the full time mom while she made herself scarce. She technically lived here, but would only show up for the times she was supposed to be watching him. I still work full time and taking care of him as well was a lot. She stopped showing up for the weekend day to watch him, instead taking on more hours at her work. She was rarely here. The more I asked for help, the less she gave. I tried asking my son for help, but his response was to say that she should be helping. I felt alone and depressed.
After about a year of this, I told her we needed to talk. I told her I can't do this on my own. I'm considerably older than when I raised my children. He is very active and requires a lot of attention and it is taking a toll on me. I told her I was turning the tables back around. She would have to take over as primary care giver, be present every day. I would still help with him, but he was her responsibility, not mine. Initially she was extremely mad. She did blow up at me, but came back home. Things were basically the same as before, only now he was older. He would act out with her, she would lose her temper with him and things would escalate. I was still regularly stepping in. If I left to go grocery shopping, I would get texts or calls from her. Saying things like when are you coming back? I can't deal with him, I just want to punch him in the face and other frightening things. I had cameras in the house because I was worried about leaving her alone with him. And I did see things on there that made my heart drop. The way she would scream at him, or the things she would say to him. She has been in counseling for years and I have tried to convince her to take a parenting class (and anger management) to no avail. About 9 months ago she met her boyfriend and he "convinced her" to be a mom as she put it. She has rose colored glasses about them all becoming a family. When he is around, she is a different person. But when he is not, she is the same short fused person as before. If they are fighting, which is common, then she is downright mean to my grandson.
She can be good with him at times, playing with him, acting like she cares for and loves him. Other times she either ignores him or is screaming at him. I already see the signs of the emotional abuse in him. Any time I try to bring things up with her, I am the bad guy and it is my fault. We had a major blow up today that left me hysterically crying in my room (so as not to upset my grandson). She is mad because my grandson wants me. He wants me to put him to bed, or he isn't feeling well, or is hurt, or just wants to play or cuddle. I know she is hurt by it. I have tried to explain that it is because I have been the one taking care of him. She needs to spend more time with him being involved, doing more things with and for him. Instead, she started yelling at me about how this is my fault because I spoil him. That I need to take the parenting classes with her. How I'm different with him than I was when they grew up. It just snowballed from there. She blames me for a lot. Says she is angry with me and hasn't forgiven me yet. It did not go well. By the end we were both pissed off and just done. We drove separately to Thanksgiving. I just ignored her so as not to continue the fight.
I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I have done everything I can think of to help her to only be slapped in the face repeatedly (figuratively). I do see a therapist who has encouraged me to just have her move out. While on so many levels, I think that is a great idea, I am terrified of what will happen to my grandson. If she moves out with him, she is not emotionally capable of taking care of him. Not to mention if I force her to leave, I'm afraid she would keep him from me out of spite. I don't know what to do! Because her boyfriend is so set on it, I don't think she would just leave him with me now. I feel like I really screwed up by having her come back.
