Recognizing and dealing with BP traits in my partner

[efftron]

Hi folks, bit of a long post here! But I'm feeling inclined to share the story of why I'm here and could use some validation with my experience, some relatability and maybe insight as to where my partner's at, and some guidance as to where to go from here. Lot to ask and I'm grateful for any of the above; thanks in advance.

I'm four and a half years into a relationship with R, who I adore. It's the longest relationship I've ever been in, and while it's been the most reward it's also far and above the most challenging. From the get-go, I knew R suffered from PTSD and depression (originally diagnosed as unipolar and revised to bipolar 1 last year). This made relationship conflicts harder and more frequent. I also knew that I had some ~quirks~ which contributed to conflicts when we'd have them (eventually figured out it was ADHD, sought a diagnosis that I received and am now treating with talk therapy, meds and CBT).

In the past, when I'd get to a point in relationships where I felt in over my head I'd usually end them. That did happen a couple times with us, but we've always been able to mend things over. We've learned a lot from each other, have given and received vital support, and are so much better at working through it when we fall short or hurt each other's feelings.

But recently, over the course of a weekend visit from my R's best friend A (also a close friend of mine, who also happens to have ADHD and PTSD). As it so happened, all these stressors and triggers ended up culminating and over the period of this visit, which was especially hard on R, who took it out on me and A through arguments in public, threats of self-harm, and pretty hyperbolic accusations of more or less being bad people plotting against them.

Once A was back home, she told R she reached her limit and said she needed a break from the friendship for her own mental+emotional health. R wasn't able to respect this and kept making explanations, defending themselves and making counter-arguments until they ran out of steam. I had a pretty similar experience a couple days later when trying to talk about the hurt I had experienced over that weekend (except that I'm used to this sort of behavior, and am able to cope well enough that it wasn't relationship-threatening).

I ended up recounting all of this in more detail while in therapy, and with a lot of caution my therapist suggested I pick up Stop Walking On Eggshells, learn what BP traits looks like, and the successful ways non-BP's are dealing with BP traits in loved ones.

I read the first chapter of the book online and immediately ordered it. I then made a decision to disclose why I had it and why I was reading it: I knew couldn't do the deceit, both in terms of stress and actually logistically pulling it off. So I didn't expect R to "see the light" or anything, but to knew that a bad reaction now woud be better than a worse reaction later: if R found the book in our house, they surely would have assumed it was about them and who knows how long the resentment, paranoia, and mistrust would end up stewing. And what coping with that could have looked like.
They were furious, which I expected. R had apparently previously decided along with their psychologist and psychiatrist that BPD does not describe them. And who do I think I am to mistrust that? To mistrust them?

The answer in my head was that I know R sees their mom as an undiagnosed narcissist, and R probably can't take being in that same umbrella. R is whip smart, in many ways incredibly insightful in self-reflection, and certainly capable of rationalizing BP traits as PTSD or bipolar traits.

I didn't tell R any of that. I said I understood, was sorry to upset them, and know that anything I'm thinking on this comes from the mind of someone biased by my own perspective and feelings (and not a doctor on top of that). But trusted my therapist telling me that learning about this could possibly help me better deal with being hurt and not coping in ways that are hurtful, and wasn't any attempt to steer towards a diagnosis. I'm not sure if any of this helped, but committing to learn more about PTSD and Bipolar too did help calm R down.

Soon I had the book, and got into it (along with some online articles, youtube videos etc). Many of the testimonials in the book are more extreme than anything I've dealt with, but a lot resonates too. So many of the problems my partner cycles through with family, close friends and me are in there.

And just a day later, R did get to state I'd call BP-symptomatic. Knowing that I should try to choose not to react to hurtful words literally being said, and instead to try to listen to the underlying emotions was invaluable! I wasn't hurt by statements R might not even remember, and I definitely exacerbated the situation a lot less. Not perfectly (unsurprisingly in hindsight, describing my marvel at not being hurt while R was clearly feeling attacked and hurt.. not very helpful!), but it was a start.

So even though I'm starting learn about asserting boundaries, protecting myself and how to be more supportive, I still feel kinda lost and maybe more worried than before. I know an honest assessment, diagnosis and treatment in light of that could potentially be so helpful! But that those possibilities can't really be considered until R is able to accept considering them. I'm starting to work through that feeling, and want to get to that point where, when R's figurative boat is out in a storm, I'm the lighthouse guiding them to shore instead of rushing out to pull them in. It's a fine goal, but knowing that might not be enough is a lot to take in.

Any comments or advice? And thanks so much to anyone who read through all this stuff! I don't really know succinct ways how to talk about this yet  <3

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[Witz_End]

Hi and welcome!  You've probably noticed, as you've read through here, that long posts are definitely not out of place here.  I am continually amazed by the people who take the time to read and respond supportively and thoughtfully.

One of the hardest things about an adept BPD mind is its ability to outwit itself when it comes to insight and seeing what we so desperately hope for them to see.  It adds to that when they're able to keep it together with other people and therapists, so we... as their partners... find ourselves alone in seeing it.  Sometimes that can feel like "am I the one with the skewed perception... am I crazy?"

Since you are seeing a therapist and that therapist seems to see it from your account of things and he is seeing a therapist, is it possible to work through your therapist to have your therapist contact and work with his?  For example, if you were to take the traits listed in the book and any other things that strike home and compile notes/examples of where you have seen those things fit... and then go over those with your therapist so your therapist has a clear picture... voicing to your therapist that you believe that R is high functioning enough to have not shown the traits to his therapist... could/would your therapist relay the concern to his therapist and the two work together to find a productive path to ease into the topic with him in his sessions?

A concern there is that he has an adept mind and it would be too coincidental for that to happen soon after you brought it to him.  I would hope that his therapist would be skilled enough to find a path and timing which would get the message past his denial guards and in a way that would not trigger an "everyone's conspiring" reaction.  It is a bit of a tap dance, but one thing that's working for you, potentially, is that he is already in therapy.

On a personal note, before I kind of clammed up as far as talking to friends about frustrations I face at home with uBPDw, something I heard often was "could she be bipolar?"  They based this off of the cycle of idealizing for a period, then splitting black for a period that I described as something that was really rough on me.  It has, for stretches of time, come in rhythmic and predictable cycles (at other times, it's less predictable or shorter bouts of idealizing or splitting black).  So, it's interesting to hear that he was diagnosed as bipolar and if there is a rhythm to his patterns with BPD, I wonder if his therapist is only picking up on a piece of things.

Either way, I know it's rough!

[efftron]

Hi, thanks for the response! There's a lot to think about in there. My and R's therapists do actually work at the same facility, so maybe some collaboration would be possible. I don't think I have all the evidence I'd want to present at this point though; I'd want to approach this with journaled accounts of behavior over a course of weeks (which I've already been meaning to do, so this is a good motivator).

In R's case specifically, I do think the PTSD and Bipolar diagnoses fit. Especially as they've been taking lithium for the past year and it's definitely helped (and as I understand it, BPD doesn't really have go-to meds like unipolar/bipolar depression does). There's just this other set of actions on top of that, including the traits I listed before but also cycling through moods much faster than bipolar people tend to, which makes me think that comorbidity here is a strong possibility. Or at least BP traits, but maybe not enough to cross the diagnosis threshold.

(*One other thing, R is nonbinary, which I don't bring up to fault you for not recognizing something I didn't say or anything, but it's why I used they/them pronouns.)