She pushed me over the edge... and I reacted

[SeekingHelp2]

This hits home for me. I am in a second marriage to my uBPDwife and she has taken me on a roller coaster. I was healthier than I had ever been after my first marriage. Years of counseling had me in a really good place. She is gorgeous, intelligent (doctor), funny and outgoing. She adored me for the first 8 months or so and then she started to get upset over little things. I wasn't texting enough or she was hurt that I couldn't come over because of laundry. Instead of referring to my ex by name, she became 'b___.' She fought enough not to push me away completely while I was healthy, but my self-esteem and independence started to erode. As she got more control, the name calling, silent treatments and threats to leave got worse. I began to cope poorly and felt anxious and depressed. I had a similar incident one evening where I had all my buttons pushed and was drinking. I was overly aggressive in a grab and was angry. It went against my code and I felt so much guilt and shame, plus it now reinforced what she was trying to get me to see all along, which is that I am broken and terrible. Mixed in between these things was lots of highs and great moments that would change on a dime. I have been with her six years but I have lost a lot and could've lost more. I had to push away family and friends that she didn't like, I could've lost my job and even felt suicidal for some time, which I had never experienced. I am feeling healthy again but the circumstances are different. I have to accept I am married to someone with an illness and that comes with long stretches of times where she is withdrawn or disconnected because I am not doing what she wants me to do. I have seen life fall apart over the smallest little things, I have to not let very mean and hurtful things that she says about me change how I see myself, I have to move my life forward at times, despite her disapproval. I have stopped drinking because I can't risk anything and realized it was harder to manage my buttons being pushed with alcohol. There are still stretches of wonderful times and to much if the world, she is one in a million. My children love her (from previous marriage) but are also hurt by her and I had to adjust the parenting agreement so they weren't here as much and experiencing the unhealthiness. I can't tell you what to do, but know that your decision comes with major implications for you and her. You will have to change yourself and your life as you know it and it can bring out the worst in you if you don't really accept how difficult the situation is that you are facing, and adjust accordingly. She will likely get much worse and is testing your boundaries. I let my wife walk all over me and it is difficult to reset the boundaries but I am trying. There are still days where I don't know if I am doing anything right. While I may go back and make different choices, I have also grown through the hard times and have experienced many great times with my wife. Don't under estimate the seriousness of your decision and be mindful in the coming weeks and months to determine the best choice for. It only you, but your family and possibly future children. Best of luck.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SeekingHelp2]

A couple other things. I was relatively young at the time I met her (early 30's) and these changes I made came from me seeking serious help after situations that could've cost me everything. I didn't know up from down for awhile and it was scary for me and anyone else who cared about me outside of her. We tried couples counseling but that was a joke because she just used those times to control the room and because those were our dynamics at home, they didn't change there. When the counselor told her she needed individual counseling, she quit going. I have had to accept that she will only change and get help if she wants to and it is unlikely that will ever occur. I had to get help for myself and learn to be the healthy person in this relationship alone and I couldn't have done it without therapy, classes, readings and this site.

[bruceli]

I like this explanation.

I'm a "process guy".  That's what I think about at my work... . I think I'm good at it. 

However... . trying to nail down the BPD process is quite frustrating.  Rules seem to change a lot.

I do see the point over the overall process of keeping the other partner "in fear" or on edge.  The process of constantly testing... .

Been there done that. Learn something from this. It bothers you more than her.

The issue is not the issue. It is the process, the conflict, that is her draw.

You can address this issue, but she will bring up another, seeking the process again.

Once you see this for what it is, the issue (what ever it is next time) wont get under your skin to the same extent. You will have boundaries in place you can enact before you boil over.

Sometimes you have to step over your own value boundary, before you can truly identify where it is.

Dont beat yourself up too much. She will test you again, make yourself proud by doing better next time.

Yes, they do seem to make up the rules as they play the game... . ALOT.  They are consistent in their inconsistencies.

[waverider]

  They are consistent in their inconsistencies.

The advantage you have is you know this, they do not.

Sometimes we forget that we know this.

[formflier]

Knowledge is power!   

  They are consistent in their inconsistencies.

The advantage you have is you know this, they do not.

Sometimes we forget that we know this.

[bruceli]

sorry to hear that... . obviously been there done that and it sucks. 

Do you mind sharing what the punishment is for? 

Do you still initiate or try to give her pleasure... . or is she totally not letting you touch her.

There was a good bit of time that there was no touching... . that was most of the time.

Sometimes she would let me massage her... . even do things to get her a big "O"... . and then she would still turn me down for "my turn" unless password was given up.

That was really hard... . to not react badly. 

But i suppose in the end it was worth it.

Definitely proved that the limits thing work.  That there is an extinction burst.

Switching gears:  My wife is beautiful.  She's had 8 children (yep... no typo)... and still has a really hot figure.  Women are always commenting on it.  Guys look at me with that grin... .

So... what I'm saying is I have totally scored with a hot wife.  But... . many times she feels inferior... thinks I want something else.  Craziest thing I have ever seen... makes no sense whatsoever.

Thank you very much for the answer.  In day 16 of my no sex punishment right now.  Had a 1 month stint with a former NPDgf last year at about this time. Hmmmm... . maybe it's a time of the year thing?  trying to set up boundaries around this behavior to prevent me from making it a useful tool for her to use.[/quote]
[/quote]
The punishment is for her perceived notion that I look at and oogle other women.  She has severe abandonment and self esteem issues.  This has gone so far as me going out with our FORMER MC for her to see MY behavior and try to correct it.  Of course when the T and I went out to the field, there was absolutely NO behavior to be seen by the T.  This enraged my PD who promptly dysregulated in session and discarded this T.

We do not live together so this form of punishment is easy for her to enlist.

[formflier]

 

Wow... . now that's a story.

So... . let me get this straight.  Your MC went out and about with you to see if you are checking women out... . and being the horny dog that you pwBPD was accusing you of?

The MC says I didn't see him do anything wrong... .

The pwBPD goes off deep end... . punts the MC?

So... . do I have all of that correct?

And... . if I have this correct... . what happens now when you bring this up? 

I've been accused of some crazy stuff... . and been in weird BPD situations... . but the story I think you are relating is unique... . never had anything like that... .

[Proud_Dad]

StayOrLeave15,

This advice has been given on this board before but you will hear it repeated over and over on Undecided:

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!

If you think this relationship is hard now, you have no idea how much more complicated and magnified things become once there is a child in the picture.

If you do decide that this woman is who you want to spend your life with, dancing this dance, then by all means act on any desire to have children. However, if there is any part of you that is unsure about the future of this relationship I urge you to take every precaution that is possible to remain free of children.


You have been given some very good advice in this thread already. I love my children with all my heart, but I wish I had been aware of what I was walking into before my they came along.

Sorry to be such a downer on the Staying Board but I feel that this needed to be said.

[Proud_Dad]

Formflier,

I have been following your story daily and I just have to give you a high five for your efforts. Keep it up brother.

[formflier]

Amen to that... .

Everyone should realize that this is coming from a guy that figured out BPD at around year 19 of marriage.  I've known something really was wrong for 5.  My guess is that military deployments masked things before then... . still thinking this through.

Anyway... . I would never advise anyone I was close to to ever get into a serious relationship with someone that displays "BPD like traits" and is non-compliant in treatment of some sort.

NEVER

Imagine what is is like to be responsible for your actions and the actions that someone else dreams up for you... . for the rest of your life... .

Now... . if you get into a relationship... . figure out BPD... . and the pwBPD acknowledges the problem and works on it.

Then... . with eyes wide open... . I would give my blessing to someone for them to continue in a relationship and have kids... . but... . I would spend some serious time talking with them and making sure they really know what they are getting into.

Hope that puts it in perspective.

StayOrLeave15,

This advice has been given on this board before but you will hear it repeated over and over on Undecided:

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!

If you think this relationship is hard now, you have no idea how much more complicated and magnified things become once there is a child in the picture.

If you do decide that this woman is who you want to spend your life with, dancing this dance, then by all means act on any desire to have children. However, if there is any part of you that is unsure about the future of this relationship I urge you to take every precaution that is possible to remain free of children.


You have been given some very good advice in this thread already. I love my children with all my heart, but I wish I had been aware of what I was walking into before my they came along.

Sorry to be such a downer on the Staying Board but I feel that this needed to be said.

[formflier]

Thanks... . she has another T appointment tomorrow.  Praying she makes some progress.

My gut says in another couple weeks... . the T should clearly understand things.

Formflier,

I have been following your story daily and I just have to give you a high five for your efforts. Keep it up brother.

[PacifistMom]

Coming from someone with lifelong chronic depression tied in to an autoimmune disorder (chicken and egg, who knows what order they came in) and 11 years into a relationship with my uBPD ... With kids a mortgage and more ... .

The depression of leaving will not come close to comparing to the depression of having your self worth eroded bit by bit over the years ... . In small bits and huge fits.

You may want to check out what I call the What if threads ... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217115.0

I'm with Formflier and Proud Dad ... . Definitely keep kids out of it til you make your decision ... . They will be 100% equally impacted by the BPD

[StayOrLeave15]

StayOrLeave15,

This advice has been given on this board before but you will hear it repeated over and over on Undecided:

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!

That is invaluable advice Proud Dad.  It has been a short time but the relationship FEELS extremely serious right now.  In reality, however, it is not.  There are no children. No cohabitation. No comingled finances.  The only "co" I am experiencing right now is my own CODEPENDENCY.  I feel like I would be nothing without her because we have had such a deep and passionate relationship. 

Coming from someone with lifelong chronic depression tied in to an autoimmune disorder (chicken and egg, who knows what order they came in) and 11 years into a relationship with my uBPD ... With kids a mortgage and more ... .

The depression of leaving will not come close to comparing to the depression of having your self worth eroded bit by bit over the years ... . In small bits and huge fits.

PacifistMom, you are right about the long-term effects.  In only a short-time she has made me feel both on top of the world and completely worthless.  She isn't going to change. As long as I am together with her I am going to be subject to her roller coaster of emotions.  Constantly splitting me and going back and forth.  Making me chase her and then she comes back and adores me.

Right now, though, I simply can't handle the pain.  I feel like I am in the worst place in the world, suffering with her or suffering without her.  Yesterday she was telling me she has never loved anyone so much and can't stop thinking about me.  Today she is telling me her feelings toward me have changed.  My emotions get pulled up so high and then slammed down so low. 

I need to tell myself she operates in a different world.  There is no "right thing I can say" that will make her "get it" or "see the light".  Her emotions don't work that way. I need to accept the loss I am going to suffer, and that feels like the most hurtful loss I have had in my life.  You all know the feeling.  The person I thought was going to be the love of my life turns out to be a person I can't have a sustainable relationship with.  I feel like the realization of her being a pwBPD is more painful than the worst rejections I have ever felt.  I have never felt so empty.  I know I can be whole again.  I just don't know how long this suffering will last. 

I have probably written this in every post, so I apologize for the repetition.  But it is just something I don't know how to deal with: THE LOGICAL SIDE OF ME SAYS I HAVE TO LEAVE.  BUT THE EMOTIONAL SIDE OF ME WON'T LET ME AND FEELS LIKE I **NEED** HER SO BADLY.  I am in a relationship with a person whose emotions do not operate like your's and mine.  However, my emotions are so affected by the swings in her's that it is completely destroying my self-worth, as I let her win every game she plays.  One day she sees/feels something one way, the next it is completely different.  And my emotions can't handle the turbulence. 

I've read other people's stories like Formflier and Goldylamont and I don't want a lifetime of this.  I need to get out, but I need to preserve myself while doing so.  The advice here has been incredible, and I see this forum as a savior to me.  If anyone can please give me an idea of how to take care of myself right now and to find the best way out without falling apart in the process I will be very, very grateful.

[formflier]

Decision making can be hard.

What you want to do... . is pick a period of time when you will NOT make a decision... . and focus on assembling some facts.  Then... . look them over... . make a decision... and move on with life.

Note:  In your situation this a more complicated because there is an emotional component to this... . so the above theory is a general guide.

Bottom line:  Try to get yourself to a place where you can make a decision based on "you"... . not someone else.

StayOrLeave15,

This advice has been given on this board before but you will hear it repeated over and over on Undecided:

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!

That is invaluable advice Proud Dad.  It has been a short time but the relationship FEELS extremely serious right now.  In reality, however, it is not.  There are no children. No cohabitation. No comingled finances.  The only "co" I am experiencing right now is my own CODEPENDENCY.  I feel like I would be nothing without her because we have had such a deep and passionate relationship. 

Coming from someone with lifelong chronic depression tied in to an autoimmune disorder (chicken and egg, who knows what order they came in) and 11 years into a relationship with my uBPD ... With kids a mortgage and more ... .

The depression of leaving will not come close to comparing to the depression of having your self worth eroded bit by bit over the years ... . In small bits and huge fits.

PacifistMom, you are right about the long-term effects.  In only a short-time she has made me feel both on top of the world and completely worthless.  She isn't going to change. As long as I am together with her I am going to be subject to her roller coaster of emotions.  Constantly splitting me and going back and forth.  Making me chase her and then she comes back and adores me.

Right now, though, I simply can't handle the pain.  I feel like I am in the worst place in the world, suffering with her or suffering without her.  Yesterday she was telling me she has never loved anyone so much and can't stop thinking about me.  Today she is telling me her feelings toward me have changed.  My emotions get pulled up so high and then slammed down so low. 

I need to tell myself she operates in a different world.  There is no "right thing I can say" that will make her "get it" or "see the light".  Her emotions don't work that way. I need to accept the loss I am going to suffer, and that feels like the most hurtful loss I have had in my life.  You all know the feeling.  The person I thought was going to be the love of my life turns out to be a person I can't have a sustainable relationship with.  I feel like the realization of her being a pwBPD is more painful than the worst rejections I have ever felt.  I have never felt so empty.  I know I can be whole again.  I just don't know how long this suffering will last. 

I have probably written this in every post, so I apologize for the repetition.  But it is just something I don't know how to deal with: THE LOGICAL SIDE OF ME SAYS I HAVE TO LEAVE.  BUT THE EMOTIONAL SIDE OF ME WON'T LET ME AND FEELS LIKE I **NEED** HER SO BADLY.  I am in a relationship with a person whose emotions do not operate like your's and mine.  However, my emotions are so affected by the swings in her's that it is completely destroying my self-worth, as I let her win every game she plays.  One day she sees/feels something one way, the next it is completely different.  And my emotions can't handle the turbulence. 

I've read other people's stories like Formflier and Goldylamont and I don't want a lifetime of this.  I need to get out, but I need to preserve myself while doing so.  The advice here has been incredible, and I see this forum as a savior to me.  If anyone can please give me an idea of how to take care of myself right now and to find the best way out without falling apart in the process I will be very, very grateful.

[waverider]

THE LOGICAL SIDE OF ME SAYS I HAVE TO LEAVE.  BUT THE EMOTIONAL SIDE OF ME WON'T LET ME AND FEELS LIKE I **NEED** HER SO BADLY.

This is in effect the definition of addiction. Whether it be to pwBPD, heroin, smokes or alcohol.

The high gets higher simply because it is a relief from the craving, rather than because the high is good in its own right. Logic can tell you the high is not good and healthy, but you see it as the only relief from the low. Like any addiction it is necessary to learn alternative coping skills. This is why working on you lessens your dependency on her.

Whether you stay or go, lessening that dependency makes life more tolerable. Codependency also feeds the neediness of the Disorder, making it worse.

[StayOrLeave15]

Formflier, this makes a lot of sense. In this feeling out being out of control it is a relief to have an actual plan rather than remaining stuck in the middle wallowing and flailing.  The plan is to NOT make a decision right now, but take steps to make an informed decision at some point down the road a bit. 

Decision making can be hard.

What you want to do... . is pick a period of time when you will NOT make a decision... . and focus on assembling some facts.  Then... . look them over... . make a decision... and move on with life.

Note:  In your situation this a more complicated because there is an emotional component to this... . so the above theory is a general guide.

Bottom line:  Try to get yourself to a place where you can make a decision based on "you"... . not someone else.

Waverider, also true words of wisdom.  It takes two to tango, but right now my priority needs to be working on myself and my dependency/addiction - then we can see where the relationship goes.  It is truly affecting both my mental and physical health. My focus in individual therapy has mostly been my relationship and my general mental health.  However, I am realizing the focus needs to become where this dependency comes from and how to better cope with it.  It needs to be about my issues - I think I would have similar dependency if I were together with a non, and it is only amplified having a BPDgf.  I am hoping that will give me the tools to either better manage this relationship or confidently leave it and not look back. 

This is in effect the definition of addiction. Whether it be to pwBPD, heroin, smokes or alcohol.

The high gets higher simply because it is a relief from the craving, rather than because the high is good in its own right. Logic can tell you the high is not good and healthy, but you see it as the only relief from the low. Like any addiction it is necessary to learn alternative coping skills. This is why working on you lessens your dependency on her.

Whether you stay or go, lessening that dependency makes life more tolerable. Codependency also feeds the neediness of the Disorder, making it worse.

I feel like the people in this community are my new best friends.  It is such a relief to be able to turn here and have people who understand my situation so well.

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations about specific books or articles to read about codependency, whether in general or specifically when in a relationship with a pwBPD?  Many thanks my friends.   

[Narellan]

SOL15.  It's a really hard journey to move from where you are now. But you'll be in a far worse place if you stay. It's good you recognise that.  And even as you move forward and away from this, it's a daily battle. For me at the moment it's hour by hour. I'm currently expecting my BPD ex on my doorstep any time. He came a few days ago but I was out. So I know it's coming and I'm preparing for it like a tornado

Ill be so glad to face him and tell him NC ever again and let's move forward. And then I think I can. It will feel like closure to me after being abruptly ditched and NC for 3 months. The depression and despair I've felt since he left my life was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And I've cried and had profound sadness and confusion everyday for 3 months. And NOW he comes around. I thought I may have needed antidepressants to stay alive. But I'll give it a few more weeks. The sadness is bearable now most days.

I just want it to end now. Probably never will being BPD, hell probably still be rocking up for years to come, but I've faced the fact that I cannot be with him. I love him and had great highs with him which I really miss and crave, but I know if I go back, ill be dead when he switches again. It nearly killed me last time.

I can't give any advice to moving forward except just make the decision and stick to it no matter what. It's imperitive to your survival now.

And yes this site and my wonderful new family here saved my life. I have no doubt about that.

Peace to you  

[StayOrLeave15]

For those who have been following this story I wanted to give a little update. 

The past few days in the relationship have been more stable.  She brought up some doubts and I validated her and was very calm and rational.  She said something like, "I'm so happy I have you to keep me balanced. You put everything in perspective for me and I feel so much better."  Things like this give me hope, but it is likely false hope.  Some more stable days and I feel my depressive symptoms alleviating a bit.  They are so intertwined in this relationship, which is so difficult being with such an unpredictable person.  But like I said, I am in a dependent situation, and I am trying to work on myself right now while staying in this relationship. 

Everything was good today.  But then tonight I could sense something was off.  She was texting me and kept dropping bait to look for trouble.  I deflected it and validated her.  But she kept doing it and going farther.  It appears that she truly cannot sustain stability in a relationship - her behavior makes me think she is subconsciously so afraid of it that she must create chaos to deal with her fear of loss.  Finally I said, "I feel like you are upset about something and acting differently.  have I done something to upset you?"  Her response is "What are you talking about? I'm fine! Now you're upsetting me."  And for a moment I believe it.  Complete gaslighting (what I great new word I've recently learned).  After some time we sorted things out, but her responses affect me so strongly, and I start feeling like garbage again. 

How can I respond differently when I know she is looking for trouble?  I can validate and deflect all day, but eventually she finds something to be upset about.  Is the best thing to do at this point say "Let's talk later"? I thought asking her to tell me what was bothering her might help, but it got completely turned around on me.  Maybe there is no right answer.

But I continue to keep all these things in mind as I am following my plan of gathering facts to make a decision.  That decision is probably not IF to end it but rather WHEN and HOW.

As I said, I am staying in this relationship for now. 

I just want it to end now. Probably never will being BPD, hell probably still be rocking up for years to come, but I've faced the fact that I cannot be with him. I love him and had great highs with him which I really miss and crave, but I know if I go back, ill be dead when he switches again. It nearly killed me last time.

I can't give any advice to moving forward except just make the decision and stick to it no matter what. It's imperitive to your survival now.

Narellan - I am sorry to hear about your suffering.  I can't imagine how it feels with the worry of your ex showing up.  And what you said is completely right - make a decision and stick with it.  I have acknowledged that I am not ready to make a decision.  My prediction is that my BPDgf would be the opposite.  We would cut things off and I would never hear from her again, and I would have to fight the urge to reach out to her - another hit of the drug to satisfy the craving. 

I can't reiterate how right you are.  Now it is about SURVIVAL.  I need to take a long look in the mirror and tell myself she isn't going to change - she isn't a bad person but rather a pwBPD, and this is how they operate.  But I'm not ready to leave.  I need to get myself to a more stable place.  But the catch-22 is that she is likely the one that has put me in this state of instability. My therapist says I have dependency issues and that this relationship is going to make me finally "hit bottom" and hopefully truly address them.  But this entire situation is VERY, VERY SCARY.

[Narellan]

Wow your therapist is very good. I can see myself in your situation and shared your feelings and it really was rock bottom for me. I've never suffered from depression before and it's been excruciating. So yes, really plan your exit strategy and be armed with supports if she runs first. Know that this will possibly be the worst experience of your life, but be aware of your body responses if you stay. You are sitting with fear and anxiety now and unable to move in the direction your brain is telling you to go. It really is scary.

Peace to you 

[formflier]

For those who have been following this story I wanted to give a little update.  

The past few days in the relationship have been more stable.  She brought up some doubts and I validated her and was very calm and rational.  She said something like, "I'm so happy I have you to keep me balanced. You put everything in perspective for me and I feel so much better."  Things like this give me hope, but it is likely false hope.

I don't think this is false hope.  I think that it is proof that the tools work.  My uBPDw wondered outloud in Marriage Counseling (a while back)... . "you know... there has been a lot less conflict lately... . not sure what they is all about... things must be getting better."  I had been using the tools for several weeks.  

The point to warn you about... is the tools work... but aren't a guarantee.  They provide you something to focus on... . and they will help the relationship get better.  But will they work "enough" to get you to the point that you can stay?  Only you can answer that.  For now... . I would think it best to not let her know that you are "using tools on her".

 Some more stable days and I feel my depressive symptoms alleviating a bit.  They are so intertwined in this relationship, which is so difficult being with such an unpredictable person.  But like I said, I am in a dependent situation, and I am trying to work on myself right now while staying in this relationship.  

Everything was good today.  But then tonight I could sense something was off.  She was texting me and kept dropping bait to look for trouble.  I deflected it and validated her.  But she kept doing it and going farther.  It appears that she truly cannot sustain stability in a relationship - her behavior makes me think she is subconsciously so afraid of it that she must create chaos to deal with her fear of loss.  Finally I said, "I feel like you are upset about something and acting differently.  have I done something to upset you?"

I think you were thinking correctly here... but I think your execution was a bit off... you lobbed her a good pitch that she smacked right back at you.  My suggestion is that you should NOT tell her your feelings... about her feelings.  It should only be about her feelings.  So... . directly asking her what she is feeling.  :)on't lead it... . leading would be... . are you upset?  In that case she could be upset about you "interpreting" her feelings.

Maybe "Can you tell me about your feelings right now?"  If she asks why... . don't JADE... . wait for the answer.  If she wants to play "keep away" with her answer... . move along to another subject.

Hopefully some more senior members can give some advice here as well.  

Her response is "What are you talking about? I'm fine! Now you're upsetting me."  And for a moment I believe it.  Complete gaslighting (what I great new word I've recently learned).  After some time we sorted things out, but her responses affect me so strongly, and I start feeling like garbage again.  

How can I respond differently when I know she is looking for trouble?  I can validate and deflect all day, but eventually she finds something to be upset about.  Is the best thing to do at this point say "Let's talk later"? I thought asking her to tell me what was bothering her might help, but it got completely turned around on me.  Maybe there is no right answer.

But I continue to keep all these things in mind as I am following my plan of gathering facts to make a decision.  That decision is probably not IF to end it but rather WHEN and HOW.

Hey... . don't worry about what the decision will be... . focus on using tools... . focus on taking care of yourself... . focus on learning about BPD and how to deal with it.  In a few weeks you can make some decisions.

As I said, I am staying in this relationship for now.  

I just want it to end now. Probably never will being BPD, hell probably still be rocking up for years to come, but I've faced the fact that I cannot be with him. I love him and had great highs with him which I really miss and crave, but I know if I go back, ill be dead when he switches again. It nearly killed me last time.

I can't give any advice to moving forward except just make the decision and stick to it no matter what. It's imperitive to your survival now.

Narellan - I am sorry to hear about your suffering.  I can't imagine how it feels with the worry of your ex showing up.  And what you said is completely right - make a decision and stick with it.  I have acknowledged that I am not ready to make a decision.  My prediction is that my BPDgf would be the opposite.  We would cut things off and I would never hear from her again, and I would have to fight the urge to reach out to her - another hit of the drug to satisfy the craving.  

I can't reiterate how right you are.  Now it is about SURVIVAL.  I need to take a long look in the mirror and tell myself she isn't going to change - she isn't a bad person but rather a pwBPD, and this is how they operate.  But I'm not ready to leave.  I need to get myself to a more stable place.  But the catch-22 is that she is likely the one that has put me in this state of instability. My therapist says I have dependency issues and that this relationship is going to make me finally "hit bottom" and hopefully truly address them.  But this entire situation is VERY, VERY SCARY.