Not attracted to my partner anymore

[Steeplechase]

Can anyone relate to this?

Okay, I’m kind of convinced that this is a pattern for me and may not be related to having a pwBPD.  But……I thought I’d float this theory out in front of you good folks to see if anyone has experienced this or knows anything about it.  I can be a little “all over the place” with my thoughts so I’ll try and be as direct and clear as possible.

Okay, I’m not at all attracted to my pwBPD anymore.  I’m wondering if her extreme emotions might have conditioned me to feel this way, that maybe if I felt safe around her I would still see her as beautiful.   Right now I see her as ugly in almost every way, her body, her face, her breath.  Even her libido disturbs me.  It’s super obvious that when I display physical emotion towards her that it’s forced.   I am not a very affectionate person by nature unless it’s my son, I shrink back from physical contact in general.  

Now, I should mention that this difficulty I have showing her any sort of physical affection without some obvious effort has caused her all kinds of pain.  I don’t feel like I can just tell her that I’m not attracted to her and that she has to deal with it.  However, maybe not telling her and letting my body language betray my words has created all kinds of animosity and resentments towards me.  When we fight she’ll remind me that I messed her up so bad sexually that she’ll never sleep with anyone else again.  It’s too traumatic.  Although, she told me early in our relationship that all her ex's have lost their attraction to her eventually.

Now I feel bullied every time we fight because the conclusion is always the same, I’m too neurotic and make everything too complicated.  I have to hug her and hold her and have sex with her routinely.  I have to lean in when I feel repulsed. I have to immerse myself in physical displays of affection in order to overcome my defect.   She’ll sometimes say that she feels rapey when we do have sex or fool around.   Well, I almost never want it so, although I’m consenting to the sex, I don’t want to.  I feel like I have to or else she’ll get really upset and the sky might fall.  


So, since this is the cornerstone of her complaints with me I thought I’d put it out there for discussion.  Can anyone relate?  :)oesn’t anyone have any insights?

Thanks

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[Cat Familiar]

Well, I’m with you on losing attraction to my partner. And in the beginning I was more attracted to him than anyone else I’ve ever dated. But for me, it’s a loss of respect for how self centered and whiny he is.

Some time ago, he told me he “didn’t trust” me so it was difficult for him to be sexual with me. I was incredibly insulted since we both were wounded badly by previous partners who betrayed us, and I never in a million years would cheat on him. Now, with time, I realize that he meant that he didn’t trust me because I am so forthright with my words, that he felt I could hurt him.

Now I understand about BPD, I am no longer so flagrantly honest with my feelings and opinions, but at the time, I didn’t realize he had a personality disorder and I thought I could talk through any problem we had. WRONG!

So I created a lot of baggage, in addition to the baggage he created through, well, his BPD. And things have never been the same since.

[Steeplechase]

Now I understand about BPD, I am no longer so flagrantly honest with my feelings and opinions, but at the time, I didn’t realize he had a personality disorder and I thought I could talk through any problem we had. WRONG!

This is the thing that kills me.  my W tells me she absolutely needs me to be honest and direct with her.  Marriage therapy reiterated this as well.  However, experience with her has taught me that when I am open and honest it's a gamble.  Either she appreciates it (if it's a confession about my own flaws or something similar) but if its about her or has anything to do with money or other people I stand to lose a few weeks off my lifespan due to stress and fast food consumption!

[AskingWhy]

religispill, it's normal not to be attracted to a pwBPD who has been acting out.  The volatile nature of BPD with its violence, name-calling and other behaviors can cause anyone to be less attracted to a partner.  The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.

What is the sexual trauma she is referring to?

Has your W been to counseling for herself?  Your W may be dealing with some emotional issues that are unrelated to you.

I read somewhere that pw PDs, including BPD, use sex as a "reset button" or to self-sooth. 

[Chicken Soup]

My wife tried to sexually blackmail me into having a fourth child.

That ended any trust I had in her.  She obviously didn't respect my thoughts on not having anymore children.

So the sex, along with any non-physical intimacy, ended.

[PeteWitsend]

This is the thing that kills me.  my W tells me she absolutely needs me to be honest and direct with her.  Marriage therapy reiterated this as well.  However, experience with her has taught me that when I am open and honest it's a gamble.  Either she appreciates it (if it's a confession about my own flaws or something similar) but if its about her or has anything to do with money or other people I stand to lose a few weeks off my lifespan due to stress and fast food consumption!

There is an old quote about how "if you plan to tell the truth, keep a foot in the stirrup."  I find that to be true in spades when dealing with uBPDw.

my general rule is that if you're asking someone to be honest with you, you have to be prepared to get an answer you don't like.  And you certainly cannot get upset with someone for being honest with youif you made the request!

yet I learned the hard way that questions like ":)o you ever think about your ex-girlfriends" are better off answered with "No" ... .because any other response will be met a long tirade about how I'm a cheater (a "mental cheater" with one foot out the door, even if I point out that she has on occasion shared with me what a great guy one of her exes was, how much he probably makes, how they never fought, etc. or even if I point out that all people certainly think about their exes from time to time, and this is normal & isn't a big deal, and i've never contacted them or spoken to them since before we got married.

in cases like these, I don't believe lying is wrong when it's to avoid a manipulative line of questioning that will only be used to attack me unfairly.

it does, in either case, erode the trust I have in my spouse.  I resent the manipulative questioning, and random inquisitions that spring out of nowhere. 

[formflier]

":)o you ever think about your ex-girlfriends" are better off answered with "No" ... .because any other response will be met a long tirade about how I'm a cheater 

So... .I used to handle these questions badly.  Long before I knew about PDs or found this site.

Now... .I'm at a place where I decline to be honest "about the question" and I am honest "about my feelings".

"Babe... .I can't imagine this discussion edifying our relationship in any way... "

there might be some grumping about hiding or "secrecy" or whatever... .


"I don't feel we have an emotionally safe environment to discuss such volatile topics.  If that's something you wish to come together and work on, let me know... ."

She's been around the therapy world long enough to understand my offer to "come together" creates accountability and visibility regarding her communications choices.  She has little tolerance for that.

My theory in the way I answer the questions is to be "honest" AND (most importantly) to hand choice and action back to her.  She gets it I will answer any question fully, completely, honestly... etc etc... but my condition is an "emotionally safe" environment.  She either doesn't have the skills to create that... or doesn't want to... .so the issue dies there.

To the issue in the title post.  I'm blessed that my wife is stunningly beautiful.  When you add in her age and that she has had 8 kids... .people regularly marvel at how good she looks.  Perhaps that makes me a bit shallow, but that coupled with some focus to not take things personally has kept our sex life relatively "normal".

I'm very conscientious about enjoying the parts of our relationship that are enjoyable and I try to "focus" my boundaries and boundary enforcement around areas of the relationship that are problematic.

Yes there have been times when an argument was "fresh" and I had no interest in physical closeness, sex or any of that from my wife... .luckily those times are few and far between.

FF

[startrekuser]

Can anyone relate to this?

Okay, I’m kind of convinced that this is a pattern for me and may not be related to having a pwBPD.  But……I thought I’d float this theory out in front of you good folks to see if anyone has experienced this or knows anything about it.  I can be a little “all over the place” with my thoughts so I’ll try and be as direct and clear as possible.

Okay, I’m not at all attracted to my pwBPD anymore.  I’m wondering if her extreme emotions might have conditioned me to feel this way, that maybe if I felt safe around her I would still see her as beautiful.   Right now I see her as ugly in almost every way, her body, her face, her breath.  Even her libido disturbs me.  It’s super obvious that when I display physical emotion towards her that it’s forced.   I am not a very affectionate person by nature unless it’s my son, I shrink back from physical contact in general. 

Now, I should mention that this difficulty I have showing her any sort of physical affection without some obvious effort has caused her all kinds of pain.  I don’t feel like I can just tell her that I’m not attracted to her and that she has to deal with it.  However, maybe not telling her and letting my body language betray my words has created all kinds of animosity and resentments towards me.  When we fight she’ll remind me that I messed her up so bad sexually that she’ll never sleep with anyone else again.  It’s too traumatic.  Although, she told me early in our relationship that all her ex's have lost their attraction to her eventually.

Now I feel bullied every time we fight because the conclusion is always the same, I’m too neurotic and make everything too complicated.  I have to hug her and hold her and have sex with her routinely.  I have to lean in when I feel repulsed. I have to immerse myself in physical displays of affection in order to overcome my defect.   She’ll sometimes say that she feels rapey when we do have sex or fool around.   Well, I almost never want it so, although I’m consenting to the sex, I don’t want to.  I feel like I have to or else she’ll get really upset and the sky might fall. 


So, since this is the cornerstone of her complaints with me I thought I’d put it out there for discussion.  Can anyone relate?  Doesn’t anyone have any insights?

Thanks

It sounds like you can't win.  Heads you lose, tails you lose.  It doesn't matter what you say or what you do.  She wants you to have relations with her and complains that you don't have enough and then when you do, she complains.  I have similar issues with my wife, but not related to physical relations.

[LameLemer]

This is the thing that kills me.  my W tells me she absolutely needs me to be honest and direct with her.  Marriage therapy reiterated this as well.  However, experience with her has taught me that when I am open and honest it's a gamble.  Either she appreciates it (if it's a confession about my own flaws or something similar) but if its about her or has anything to do with money or other people I stand to lose a few weeks off my lifespan due to stress and fast food consumption!

I relate to this so much. My wife says the exact same things, but I feel same way--it's a gamble as to whether or not my feelings will be validated whatsoever. So I've learned to not say what I think all the time, which has only fed my resentment and honestly makes me less attracted to her. But if I try to refuse physical love I get the, "I must be the most hideous woman in the world that my husband doesn't want to have sex with me!" And that quickly evolves to, "You're a guy, you're supposed to want sex all the time!"

It's a vicious cycle.

[Steeplechase]

I relate to this so much. My wife says the exact same things, but I feel same way--it's a gamble as to whether or not my feelings will be validated whatsoever. So I've learned to not say what I think all the time, which has only fed my resentment and honestly makes me less attracted to her. But if I try to refuse physical love I get the, "I must be the most hideous woman in the world that my husband doesn't want to have sex with me!" And that quickly evolves to, "You're a guy, you're supposed to want sex all the time!"

It's a vicious cycle.

Yes it is vicious.  Recently I was able to be sexual a few times but she fell apart as a result.  She thinks I'm using her when all I'm trying to do, consciously, is try to avoid arguments.  I was up most of the night trying to convince her I wasn't just using her.  Now, keep in mind we had split up just 2 days before and she had made loose plans to file for divorce that very day... .

ahhhhhh!

help.

[Steeplechase]

religispill, it's normal not to be attracted to a pwBPD who has been acting out.  The volatile nature of BPD with its violence, name-calling and other behaviors can cause anyone to be less attracted to a partner.  The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.

What is the sexual trauma she is referring to?

Has your W been to counseling for herself?  Your W may be dealing with some emotional issues that are unrelated to you.

I read somewhere that pw PDs, including BPD, use sex as a "reset button" or to self-sooth. 

Hi AskingWhy

The trauma refers to how she gave men sex to get them to stay or show her love.  She feels that every man has used her.  I'm sure some of that takes place, knowing that I am joined the ranks of dudes who used her and abandoned her is hard to stomach. 

She has been to a therapist in the past.  She still will talk to him on the phone in times of extreme stress.   There are certainly some emotions unrelated to me.  She has a lot of emotional situations with her daughter that have been getting to her.

The self sooth thing makes sense

[formflier]

  I was up most of the night trying to convince her I wasn't just using her. 

I suspect this was what she was "after".  I also suspect she doesn't consciously understand that is what she is after.

This kind of thing is "reading tea leaves".  With that in mind, does it make sense that she gets lots of attention from you when you try to "convince" her that what she is alleging is not true?

Compare that to time when she is not "alleging" you are using or (or other various things she may allege).

If this rings true... .or you see a pattern of this, then we can talk further about how to "break the cycle".

FF

[formflier]

Steeplechase,

What's new in your relationship?


For everyone else passing through this thread... especially newbies.  Do you see on the post above how a pwBPD can potentially use these arguments and reassurances to get attention?

FF