Wife Took Son, Assets and Moved Out Of State

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi.  One week ago my BPD (ADD/BP diagnosed and alternates between Prozac and Seroquel) wife left with most of our assets, my son and went out of state.  I am shell shocked and trying to make sense of this, as well as take appropriate legal action.  

The fact that I am shell shocked only means that I have been in denial for two years about her self harm (cutting), physical abuse directed at me, as well as the other classic symptoms I am finding reading this site. Her aloofness, mood swings, soulless eyes, sudden swings to anger, wanting a divorce then wanting to have a baby (all within a week).  Her impulsiveness in shopping, past relationships, jobs and her inability to even live in one place more than a year.   Her painting her exes as the devil, but still in contact with then.  God I was an idiot.  I kept feeding the beast.  And once she decided that was it, I was painted black (which I learned the term today).

So, I am here to read and learn.  Because what I am realizing is that this is as much, or more, about my inability to set boundaries, always take blame, fix things, and make things better in relationships.  A common theme in my past.  And I am afraid I was classic bait for this woman.

Right now, this is surreal in some ways, and a relief in others.  My main concern is my son.  

Any input or words of encouragement are appreciated.  I will post more.  

[Blindsidedagain]

Hi.  One week ago my BPD (ADD/BP diagnosed and alternates between Prozac and Seroquel) wife left with most of our assets, my son and went out of state.  I am shell shocked and trying to make sense of this, as well as take appropriate legal action.  

The fact that I am shell shocked only means that I have been in denial for two years about her self harm (cutting), physical abuse directed at me, as well as the other classic symptoms I am finding reading this site. Her aloofness, mood swings, soulless eyes, sudden swings to anger, wanting a divorce then wanting to have a baby (all within a week).  Her impulsiveness in shopping, past relationships, jobs and her inability to even live in one place more than a year.   Her painting her exes as the devil, but still in contact with then.  God I was an idiot.  I kept feeding the beast.  And once she decided that was it, I was painted black (which I learned the term today).

So, I am here to read and learn.  Because what I am realizing is that this is as much, or more, about my inability to set boundaries, always take blame, fix things, and make things better in relationships.  A common theme in my past.  And I am afraid I was classic bait for this woman.

Right now, this is surreal in some ways, and a relief in others.  My main concern is my son.  

Any input or words of encouragement are appreciated.  I will post more.  

[david]

You need to talk to several attorneys and find out what you can do.

Also, the fact that you admitted to being in denial suggests you might want to find a therapist to help. It took me a few before I found one the was a good fit for me.

[Inside]

I agree that your son’s best interest should be your immediate focus.  And it sounds like, at least ‘around here,’ you're a quick learner

I can so relate to being ‘bait’ for BPD women… and never want to experience that again.  But beyond care for your son, I’d suggest learning all you can about BPD ... .because even though it’s partially us, it’s mainly them(!).  So don’t beat yourself up.

After that, I’d suggest you check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships  ... .it’s where I’ve finally ‘found myself’ to a large extent.  My eventual enforcement of boundaries and solid expectations of my u(undiagnosed)BPDxgf likely brought on the end just a little bit sooner, but it went far to prove to myself that I didn’t deserve to be blamed for her inability to maintain a r/s.  Keep us posted

[momtara]

Don't wait too long to act.  From what I've read here, the longer he is with her, the more she sets a precedent for custody.  Of course, just leaving doesn't look too good, but I've heard of people setting a precedent if they are able to keep the child for a period of months.  With a decent attorney and judge, hopefully you will be able to right this wrong.

[momtara]

Also, many of us are in denial.  It's hard to find the right person, and once we find that person, we want to believe the best about them.  Plus, we are not psychiatrists.  We think we are part of the problem, not that there's a mental illness.  It will take time, but you will get stronger. 

[ForeverDad]

Be prepared that when you do find her she may make horrid allegations about you, especially if she's contemplated or threatened to do so.  She will feel immense emotional pressure to make you look worse than her.  My ex did that, often just before a court hearing, major event or after she had just done something that made her look bad. For example, when my ex raged at the pediatrician's staff and she was thereafter 'fired' - the letter just stated "withdrawal of services" - she knew she would look bad and so after the next exchange she took our son who had just started kindergarten to the ER claiming I had raged and beat him on his shins.  Um, all active kids have a bruise here or there on their shins.   It got CPS involved, fortunately the case was closed but she never faced consequences for 'unsubstantiated' allegations.

The less-bad news is regarding custody.  Right now there are no orders in place and so you both have equal but undefined parenting rights.  What that means is that the parent in possession of the child gets to keep the child until court steps in and issues an order.  (In my state the police won't do anything more than a "well child check" without a court order in hand.)  If you're in the USA she can't file for custody in the new state until she has established residency there, which for custody issues is 6 months.  So odds are she can't convince a court there to allow her to file a custody case there.  Has she fled to a state she lived in before?  If she had lived there within the past 6 months she may try to claim she never moved away.  Anyway, most likely you want any custody cases to be in your local area, so don't agree to allowing a case elsewhere.

Have you gotten legal consultations with local family law attorneys?  You can get inexpensive consultations from local lawyers for now so you have a general grasp of the issues facing you and strategies to use to come out of this in one piece.  You don't have to pay a retainer until you find one you feel is experienced and able to handle high conflict cases.  A good rule of thumb is that you want a problem-solving but assertive lawyer.  Don't hire any who are mere paper pushers, form filers and hand holders.

The fact that she has had long term treatment by doctors may be helpful, but I'm not sure how much.  Most refuse to testify in court and if your spouse is like mine was there she will try to use HIPAA privacy laws to block your access to records.  That's not as bad as you might think, courts don't try to figure out WHY a person does the things he/she does, they just stick to the documented behaviors and behavior patterns.  Keep in mind that the conflict between the two of you will be generally viewed as adult behaviors and interactions, not having much affect on parenting.  What gets more attention are the parenting behaviors, so focus on the impact to your child.

Meanwhile document it all.  If you have any proof of prior conflict and attacks on you, save it, you may need it to prove you're not the one behaving poorly.

[maxen]

hi Blindsided again. first i am so sorry this has happened to you. i was blindsided too and i know the derangement that comes with it.

The fact that I am shell shocked only means that I have been in denial for two years

there are those who would stay in denial even now, so it's good that you see the facts. i too suppressed the obvious evidence of the squandering, the drinking, the indolence, the petty lying, the reckless driving until my w blindsided me and bolted. and even then for a long time i didn't really accept what was in front of my eyes.

can you focus enough to speak with a lawyer?

[Panda39]

Hi Blindsidedagain,

I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you it's scary and stressful.  Remember to take care of yourself, rest, eat right, exercise etc.  You are no good to yourself or any one if you are exhausted.    And don't be afraid to lean on your support network... .family, friends and therapist (if you have one).

The good news is that you have found us and you can count on us to be part of that support network too!  Our website is an excellent place to find support, advice, ideas and encouragement so use us as a resource. 

I agree with the other members step 1 get an attorney.  Focus on your rights and on your son... .he needs you.  If this is traumatic for you imagine how he is feeling. 

Unfortunately due to your wife's actions you have just been put on a steep BPD learning curve.  . 

There is a lot of reading material out there on BPD and other related subjects.  So you might want to read about BPD in general... .what is it... .what are the symptoms etc. Along with general information and I don't want to scare you but I want to help prepare you for some possibilities... .There is a book about high conflict divorce (should you go down that path) called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy that you might want to read or Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A. Warshak as Parental Alienation could become a concern.

Keep us posted on your situation and feel free to ask questions or post your concerns as things unfold. 

Sending a Hug your way 

[Blindsidedagain]

Hi all.   I got a restraining order and emergency custody order in place and have my son.  Thank god. This all happened so fast and I had seen an atty late last week.  Anyway, this happens fast today and I am so thankful and just spinning.  He is safe. 

The thing I will never for get about today that sums up the insanity of this situation is that when the orders were served with the deputy and I was getting my son, BPD wife was shocked that I actually did this.  She said what I did was so unnecessary and that she was going to work with me before I served her.     Geeeeez.  What?  Her actions led to me doing this.  Classic.  Never any remorse or connection that her actions lead to consequences.   Is this typical BPD behavior?

Now my phone is blowing up with texts.   Not reading. 

More to follow.  Wiped and going to bed.  Thanks so much for your support. I am glad I found this place.

[Panda39]

Great job.    I'm so glad your son is home!  Good idea turn off the phone enjoy your son and get some rest so you're fresh tomorrow.

[david]

Save those texts and any emails. Documentation is extremely important in the courts. You never know what will be important until you need it.

Congratulations.

Yes, that is typical BPD behavior.

[maxen]

brilliant!

The thing I will never for get about today that sums up the insanity of this situation is that when the orders were served with the deputy and I was getting my son, BPD wife was shocked that I actually did this.  She said what I did was so unnecessary and that she was going to work with me before I served her.     Geeeeez.  What?  Her actions led to me doing this.  Classic.  Never any remorse or connection that her actions lead to consequences.   Is this typical BPD behavior?

yes, it is.

i really hope you get some rest. how's your son's mood?

[ForeverDad]

"Warning, Will Robinson!"  About what?  (1) Either your natural inclination to relax and let her get back in control or (2) for the court to reason "Why not let this mother be in charge like so many other mothers?"

You have to understand that many courts favor mothers to be in charge of the children and relegate fathers to be in charge of having deep pockets.  These days they state they are gender neutral but the laws, case law, policies and procedures are often written and orders issued in such a subtle unspoken and unwritten way that the female gender ends up getting default preference in family court and with the related agencies.

Likely this is just an ex parte order based just on your statements and you two will have to appear before the court together in a few weeks to present both your cases.  (1) Do not appear 'controlling'.  You can't change her, the doctors may or may not improve things and court will certainly not try to change her.  She is an adult and court will focus on dealing with the parents as they are, court will not be very interested in changing you or her.  So focus on your parenting in as positive way as possible.  (2) Beware of hiding her poor behaviors.  You may think that the court will "get it" with just this one instance when she ran away and effectively blocked your parenting, but it may not be enough.  You need to provide enough documentation to the court so that it is convinced you should have temporary custody and decision making at least until more thorough evaluations, such as a custody evaluation, can be done.  Psych evals are easier and quicker to get at this early stage but are focused primarily on the adults while a custody eval is more in depth and takes longer.

I don't know enough to guess whether the court will limit her parenting time.  Maybe, maybe not.  Her psychiatric history and this incident should give you an edge to get temporary custody or at least decision-making authority so this incident is less likely to happen again, so whatever else, don't gift it away, it is your child's only protection.

My story, I called 911 and before the week was out she was arrested for Threat of DV (death threats).  Though she was facing a trial in municipal court (later found Not Guilty because the judge used state case law that said they had to be 'imminent' threats to be 'actionable' over in family court she was able to get temporary custody and majority parenting schedule based on one question posed by the magistrate, "What are your work schedules?"

Understand too that court will pay more attention to the parenting behaviors (how you each parent) than to the adult behaviors (how you two treat each other). 

Medium and Long term goals - You should seek more time, perhaps even custody and majority time, stating that you can share your child but your ex will not or cannot.  (If the court doesn't want to give you full custody - many decrees specify 'joint' custody - at least try to strengthen your involvement in decision making such as by getting that or at least having tie-breaker status.)

I had a custody evaluator, a very perceptive one, a child psychologist, and he noted the blocking behaviors of my ex and the entire report could have been summarized in these three sentences: "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .  If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then father should get custody... ."

[david]

"What are your work schedules"... .Have a schedule that shows you can/are taking care of the child and have a good support network. Having that in place implies you always did. That goes a long way in court. It makes the court believe you were the primary caretaker so the court will naturally keep things unchanged as much as possible.

In the beginning my ex took credit for lots of things she did not do. I had no proof. The court sided with ex. It was he said/she said and the bias that moms do all the child care won out.

Since we have been apart for 7 years now ex has no proof of anything. I have copies of our boys homework's for this year and the prior two years. They do over 90 % when with me yet ex has primary custodial time during school. We finally, after two years of ex dragging things out and still not helping the boys with their school work, have a court date set for nest month to change the custody order. We recently went to a co parent counseling meeting, court ordered, where I pointed out the fact about homework. Ex replied "who in their right mind would copy every homework for two years?" as her defense. My temptation was to say "I did" but that would have triggered her and wouldn't look good for me. I did think it though.

[Panda39]

Another suggestion based on my SO's experience with his uBPDexw be sure to keep your anger under wraps.  The court and it's representatives should find you calm and rational at all times.  This doesn't mean you don't have the right to be angry at your stbBPDx she has obviously done some things here that anyone would be angry about but keep the anger on the down low.

[Blindsidedagain]

Thanks for all of the insight and input on next steps and strategies. David and foreverdad, I appreciate the practical experience and advice.  My atty seems to think that the court will not look to kindly on the fact that she took my son out of state and cleaned out our account.  Although he also said be ready for any and every imaginable mud being slung through more motions and counter motions until trial date.  He is fairly confident that my son will remain here until then. 

More backstory.  My son is six months old.  I was the sole care giver for him while my wife was out of the country for two months (3-5 mth age for son).  During this time,  I coordinated all child care , did all of the household stuff you do when you have a young child, arranged dr Appts, did bottles, up for night feedings, baths, etc.  Also was working full time. 

I am and always have been the active parent in caring for him.  I continue to document and maintain the consistency he has had before wife took off with him last week.  As pointed out in other comments to this post, I am also being even handed and factual with wife when she texts me.  If it concerns son, I am replying factually and in a good tone.  For the texts where she is trying to bait me into being nice, or slinging anger, I just ignore those.  Why respond and escalate?  That is what she wants.   I can't disprove her reality and distorted BPD mind.

On another note, wife is upset that I did what I did to get son.   :)oes not understand why we could not just work it out.  What?   What?  There is absolutely no connection between her actions and the resulting consequences. 

Anyway,  thanks again for all of the input.  I realize I am in a family court system where a man typically has two strikes against him before he even appears in court. 

[Blindsidedagain]

Oh and my work schedule?  Flexible.  I can work from home.  :)id today and will tomorrow.  I live 15 minutes from work and can be home at the drop of a hat. We had in home childcare before my wife left.  Come to find out, my wife told the sitter was no longer needed the day she moved out and paid the sitter severance.  So I need to see if I can get her back her to watch son.  She was good with him, and it would be a consistent point for him.  

[maxen]

More backstory.  My son is six months old.  I was the sole care giver for him while my wife was out of the country for two months (3-5 mth age for son).  :)uring this time, I coordinated all child care , did all of the household stuff you do when you have a young child, arranged dr Appts, did bottles, up for night feedings, baths, etc.  Also was working full time.

that would leave a record, and can be documented.

On another note, wife is upset that I did what I did to get son.   Does not understand why we could not just work it out.  What?   What?  There is absolutely no connection between her actions and the resulting consequences.

this frame of mind was true of my wife too, tho' the details of my story are very different. it's the disorder. it's the sort of thing that even now, almost a year and a half later, i can't really absorb. i understand that you're incredulous, but don't let that interfere in your legal preparations, which must be based on her actions and your record as a good parent.

[david]

I used to try to make sense of my ex's "reasoning". I eventually realized I would never understand it (I view that as a positive now, at least for me) and I needed to focus on our boys. I have also come to the conclusion that it may be possible that my ex also doesn't understand my reasoning even though the majority of the population on this planet would.

I think you have a very strong case to get sole custody with limited visitation. It may also be possible to require supervised visitation until it becomes clear that BPDw is not a flight risk or that passports be held in some way to prevent leaving the country with the child. An attorney would be needed to draft the language the proper way but it is a reasonable request to the courts.

[ForeverDad]

What shaped my prior responses was my concern of a court response that could be, more or less, "The spouse hasn't been directly abusive, neglectful or endangering to the child (typical actionable behaviors) so why should the parent's custodial rights or parenting rights be limited?"  In other words, "She 'only' ran off with the child, she's back now so that is fixed, court generally ignores things that have been fixed, so why can't we do the normal process where mother gets the child and father pays the bills?"  So how do we address that unspoken tendency of the courts to favor a certain gender?

• First beware of your own well-intentioned but misplaced tendencies to be overly fair, overly nice, overly guilted.  That is the Achilles Heel of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  Always keep in mind: This is about your child's future.  Now is not the time to feel sorry for your ex and her misadventures.  Now is not the time to be 'fair'.



• Lawyer too can default to the usual outcomes for temporary orders.  Yes, the lawyer is right, it is just a temporary order that will be the result of the ex parte process.  But don't let the name fool you, it can last longer than you think and is an uphill struggle to modify.  So don't let the lawyer keep the issues from being listed before the court, this is not the time to be silent.  (In 30 minutes my then-sstbEx got temp custody and temp majority time.  ":)on't worry, stay quiet, we'll fix it later" is what I was told by my lawyer.  Well, court didn't to make any changes to the temp order during my 23 month divorce.  There were baby step improvements over the years but it wasn't fully fixed to something that truly worked until some 8 years later.)



• Courts generally do not want to stray far from their typical decisions.  They prefer to minimize friction and conflict by viewing it as being caused by the separation and divorce and expect that it will soon subside after the final decree.  Your goal is to document this isn't a momentary lapse of judgment or a minor issue.



• We have a saying around here, initial or temporary orders generally morph into permanent orders.  Why?  The court reasons, "Well, it seems to be working for the past XX months, I am reluctant to change what works and if there are any changes needed I want them to be as conservation and minimal as possible."

Are you "Staying for now" or are you separating and divorcing at this time?  How you answer that will affect our responses and strategy suggestions.  For example, if you are not separating and divorcing, then the court may see no reason to issue an order or to set a parenting time schedule, etc.

You can't get everything handled adequately in the ex parte process or even for a temporary order.  Still, get as much submitted and documented as possible.  You do need to walk out with the best temporary order possible.  If the court isn't willing to limit her parenting, a real possibility, then at least try to convince the court that you need to have temporary custody and decision-making so she is less likely to feel entitled to skip again.  Imagine if next time she doesn't just go out of state but goes back to her country with the baby!  (If she is able to travel to her country without close passport or visa inspections, then she could be a flight-with-baby risk regardless of what the court order states.  International abductions are very expensive to resolve and with some countries there isn't any cooperation from the authorities there.)

Needless to say, make sure the sitter knows you are the one hiring and terminating.  And if she notices anything of concern it should be immediately be reported to you.

[david]

I went to our first court ordered co parent counseling meeting. Ex described the recent temp changes in custody and the counselor pointed out to her that temp orders usually become permanent.

If you believe the marriage is truly over and unsalvageable than make your plans accordingly. What is best for the child ? Ex will probably not be in the picture that much since she has already been out of it during the first months. If you have the majority of time and ex does come around you can always modify the custody arrangement without going to court. If she never comes around then you have protected the child as best you can.