How Long Until Relief from Memories?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all!  I've mentioned before that in a three year period I was in two different relationships with PD individuals.  I went no contact with both when the relationships ended, which I know saved me a lot of chaos and pain.  It's been seven months since the last relationship ended, and memories from both relationships still pop up often during the day.  I've gotten better at distracting myself, or sending myself loving kindness when they come up, and they don't have the emotional heat they used to, but I am so tired of them!  I would love to not think about these men every day, several times a day.  How long did it take for these memories to recede for you?  What helped them recede?  I read some great strategies in the workshop on rumination but I'm open to any and all ideas.

[vwbug]

Hi all!  I've mentioned before that in a three year period I was in two different relationships with PD individuals.  I went no contact with both when the relationships ended, which I know saved me a lot of chaos and pain.  It's been seven months since the last relationship ended, and memories from both relationships still pop up often during the day.  I've gotten better at distracting myself, or sending myself loving kindness when they come up, and they don't have the emotional heat they used to, but I am so tired of them!  I would love to not think about these men every day, several times a day.  How long did it take for these memories to recede for you?  What helped them recede?  I read some great strategies in the workshop on rumination but I'm open to any and all ideas.

[Harley Quinn]

It's different for each of us, as we all grieve in our own way.  Sometimes working through the detaching process means one step forwards and two steps back, and that's OK.  How are you faring in your healing overall?  Perhaps the Lessons can help you to establish what stage you feel you're at to date.  Sometimes it can be interesting to check in with this and note how far you've come. 

I'm wondering if you can identify what if any pattern there is to these invasive thoughts?  Do they follow a common theme and are you able to notice what triggers these?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey vwbug, I think it's possible to make a conscious effort to redirect one's thoughts when unwanted memories arise.  One technique is to say "Cancel" or ":)elete" out loud and then shift your thoughts to something positive.  It takes practice to get the hang of this approach, but it has a scientific basis and can prove effective.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

Hey vwbug, I think it's possible to make a conscious effort to redirect one's thoughts when unwanted memories arise.  One technique is to say "Cancel" or ":)elete" out loud and then shift your thoughts to something positive.  It takes practice to get the hang of this approach, but it has a scientific basis and can prove effective.

LuckyJim

Yes, my therapist worked with me to make a "yes, but" phrase. Something like this: "Yes, I remember, but I am becoming my true self and trust the future."

As long as no one is around, I even say it out loud.  It acknowledges the feeling, but moves me along.

[enlighten me]

I think the biggest problem is not fully letting go. Until you do then these memories will still haunt you. Even the slightest thread of hope that things could have worked or maybe will one day will hold you back. To let go you must first be honest with yourself. You must accept that they are who they are and they wont change, you must accept that nothing you did or could have done would have changed the eventual outcome. You have to stop making excuses for them and see their true behaviour.

[donkey2016]

Hi

Thanks for the tips for how to get free from these constant memory flows! I find it also helpful with my journal even though I sometimes feel like    reading in it. In that journal I have written up goals for myself, such as, stop giving him the keys for the apartment and so on, and it's good to see how I over time managed to follow through (even though it took very long time for me). I have also written down encouragements for myself -maybe that could work for you vwbug - like "I'm no longer going to let myself be put down by him!." Writing these words and reading them later on feels actually empowering. I'm also going to try the other tricks that we mentioned for example by Lucky Jim.

donkey2016

[ynwa]

I believe that since our relationships took us in many directions, so do our memories and thoughts of them.  We take longer to exit or move through these relationships because of who and what WE are. 

There are lots of helpful guides and information, which you should by all means read, but give yourself space to be you.  I understand the feelings that pop up, with the memories that just fall into place and make you just shake your head.  At times its just too much and for no reason.

It does take some effort to move forward, and even just getting through the day can be rough.  I get you on that.  I feel that way a lot.  Less than I used to, but I still carry a lot with me, that I wish I was ready to let go of.   And I give myself some time with it, and then I push it down a bit.   In my head I use 2 voices, that I have taken from the idea of the Adult and Adolescent Chair.   I let the weak child voice be emotional, and then when I am ready, I tell myself ENOUGH.   It works, sometimes I have to do it over and over. But I also give myself time to let that weaker voice be heard.

Ignoring our feelings and thoughts kept many of us in relationships we should not have stayed.  But we have ALWAYS been in a relationship with ourselves.  And that one is the one we all need to work on.

[gotbushels]

What helped them recede?

Hi vwbug  

Something that helped me was accepting when they came. Not fighting them.

Specific for a relationship with a pwBPD, it also helped me to understand the background behind the invasive thoughts--pwBPD and the non partner tend to enmesh and create a relationship such that persistent thinking of the partner becomes a consequence. Basically you think and feel similar to how they think and feel--when the relationship ends, there's an absence that can feel bigger than a "normal" relationship.

One senior member here shared that for invasive thoughts, he will say "yes, thank you for sharing, you may leave now". That sometimes works for me for thoughts that I know I've "resolved" by investigation at earlier times. It's quite cool.

I'd also like to support Harley Quinn's question to you here.

... .establish what stage you feel you're at to date.  
... .
Do they follow a common theme and are you able to notice what triggers these?

I think if you focus on your answers to these, you'll have targets for whatever strategy you're using.

I hope you find peace.  

[pearlsw]

Something that helped me was accepting when they came. Not fighting them.

One senior member here shared that for invasive thoughts, he will say "yes, thank you for sharing, you may leave now". That sometimes works for me for thoughts that I know I've "resolved" by investigation at earlier times. It's quite cool.

Thanks all! This notion is so helpful. I am not in a breakup yet, but I could be at literally anytime... .I am trying to prepare myself a bit more so I don't feel so blindsided the next go around. I like this idea of talking to my thoughts in a positive way. Telling them I see them, giving this awareness, but also sending the thoughts politely on their way.

What thoughts and memories are bothering you the most vwbug? Are there specific things that are unresolved that are what appear? Is it something traumatic you saw or heard that comes back into your head?

[Bo123]

Do very important events or memories ever totally disappear?  I don't think so, its how you process them that matters.  When you have a memory, listen to some music, read a book, watch a movie, etc.  If you just sit there and think about it, it will be a bigger issue than it needs to be and an idle mind is the devil's workshop.  Give it a try.  Best wishes.