Silent Treatment: How Do They Do It For So Long ?

[LifewithEase]

Hello All,

I'm very curious how my high functioning uBPDw is able to act out with a silent treatment for so long?

I'm genuinely curious how she physically and emotionally can pull it off for so long?

How does it feel for them?

What do they get out of it?

- In some cases, it can go on for a few days

- In many cases, for example, when we're together as a family, she'll act totally wonderfully normal with the kids but in parallel, at the same time, in the same room/car go hours without engaging me. No questions, no conversation, at most she'll answer with one cold word. It makes me feel so excluded.

- The only time she'll engage in a positive way is when she needs something... but the small things like driving directions or to hold the keys or a change of plans: "how about we go to ice cream after the beach?" It will be pleasant, but then she'll go right back to stern, angry no engagement when she gets what she wants.  

I'd love to hear please thoughts, experience and most of all any insight on how a person can physically, emotionally and mentally pull this off.

Thanks!

 

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[Cat Familiar]

It’s hard to imagine how someone with BPD processes information from our perspectives, since we are *wired* so differently.

A person with BPD (pwBPD) is focused on their feelings in the moment, rather than having an overarching strategy of behavior.

To continue to refrain from talking to you, it’s likely that her inner dialog is on a continuous loop, telling her how you’ve somehow hurt her, in ways amplifying real and imaginary slights.

[thankful person]

I think what’s helped me is learning not to take it so personally when my wife treats me badly. I know it’s easier said than done. But once I realised, yes she may believe I’m this terrible person she speaks of, but it doesn’t mean I have to believe it. Through my bpd reading and advice on here I realised that my wife does seem to completely change her mind on such feelings very suddenly without warning. I literally have learnt to not take her feelings so seriously. I do not engage with such treatment anymore. Where I used to beg her to love me.. now I either take time alone or just not discuss it. She gets over it much quicker than she used to.

[bluebutterflies]

My husband potentially has quiet bpd. For him, he explains it in a few ways:

1. He simply doesn't want to talk to me. So he will talk to everyone except for me. Even if its urgent (like missing a whole vacation), he has devalued me so much that he doesn't even want to resolve those urgent things. So for him, he's just so repulsed and angry by me that he can't stand talking to me. He's not intentionally manipulating or punishing me, but the result still is so.

2. He's so overwhelmed by his emotions that he can't communicate. So he would rather ignore me, or give very simple responses, so he doesn't do anything else that can hurt me.

For him, it feels like a storm that he can't control but he sees what he's doing and he's sad he's hurting me. This is ONLY when he's not angry at me. When he is angry at me, I'm not sure how that feels, except that he's told me he just ignores me.

To get out of it, usually just time and me pretending he doesn't exist. My H will either slowly get out of these splits with time, or he will get triggered out of it. Like he'll remember something about me and then re-values me again, in seconds. This is not something you can control, it is only something they choose to do.

For my H, his silent treatments can last up to 3 months. The level of intensity varies though, like the last month he's been talking to me but just not much interest.

[Couscous]

Forget days, the BPDs in my family can give people the silent treatment for years if not decades. I’m going on 10 years with a brother, and 2 years with a sister. The same brother has been giving his wife the silent treatment for over 4 years, and he’s at 20+ years with my parents. And make no mistake, when it lasts more than a few hours it is done for the purpose of punishment, and it is a form of verbal abuse. It’s a double whammy when they act nice to others at the same time. If they were doing it because they are emotionally dysregulated then they would be too dysregulated to be nice to other people. So it is something they are choosing to do.

But as adults we can take steps to remove ourselves from the line of fire in order to protect our inner child from the abuse. The way we do this is by disengaging and taking care of ourselves. This means we minimize the amount of time we spend with the pwBPD and live our lives to the full. We engage in self-nurturing activities, hobbies and spend time with people who love us and treat us respectfully. We join support groups. It’s especially important to do this when we have kids so that we can be role models for them because it’s just a matter of time before she will be doing this to your kids.

A book recommended here is The Verbally Abusive Relationship and it has a lot of good information on this topic.

[PeteWitsend]

I think another factor is that they can keep the silent treatment going because they know you're still there waiting & listening & will be there whenever they deign to re-engage with you.  .

Move on  mentally and emotionally (if not physically) and the dynamic changes.

[captain5024]

Is “silent treatment” enough emotional abuse to end a marriage?

To me, it seems disrespectful and abusive.   Toxic. 

And being in a disrespectful, abusive and toxic relationship is no fun and unhealthy.

How can I boundary of “silent treatment is unacceptable” be properly installed and conveyed?

[Couscous]

How can I boundary of “silent treatment is unacceptable” be properly installed and conveyed?

The problem is there isn’t really a way to install a boundary. All you can do is practice extreme self-care and live your life to the full independent of the pwBPD. If they see that the silent treatment isn’t having its intended effect then perhaps they will stop doing it.

[captain5024]

Thank you for the reply.  

Installing boundaries has been difficult.   Periodically when my pwBPD is becoming dysregulated the boundary means nothing to her, it’s primary function tells me when there is no choice but to remove myself from the situation for the benefit of both of us.

Having a life fully independent yet also in a relationship.   Hmmm?   Healthy?   Satisfying?   Validating?   Intimate?   Doesn’t seem so from my perspective, what do you think?

[Cat Familiar]

Boundaries are for you. They are not meant to control someone else’s behavior. Nor do they need agreement or cooperation.

Removing yourself when she becomes dysregulated is a boundary. Can you think of creating a boundary prior to this occurring? Perhaps when voices get raised or unkind things said, you might say you need a “time out”? Best if no blame is attached, but rather you say something like you need some time to refocus and calm yourself. That way she is less likely to feel attacked since you are taking responsibility for your own emotions.

Having a life fully independent yet also in a relationship.   Hmmm?   Healthy?   Satisfying?   Validating?   Intimate?   Doesn’t seem so from my perspective, what do you think?

There might be a limit to her capacity to be validating and intimate. What you might think of as *normal* in a relationship may never be available from her. However, if you adjust your expectations, there might be ways that she can be a fulfilling and enjoyable partner. It helps to think of BPD as a disability. Just like if you had a partner in a wheelchair and your favorite activity was hiking, you would need to figure out alternative ways to get that desire met.

[captain5024]

Boundaries are for you. They are not meant to control someone else’s behavior. Nor do they need agreement or cooperation.

Removing yourself when she becomes dysregulated is a boundary. Can you think of creating a boundary prior to this occurring? Perhaps when voices get raised or unkind things said, you might say you need a “time out”? Best if no blame is attached, but rather you say something like you need some time to refocus and calm yourself. That way she is less likely to feel attacked since you are taking responsibility for your own emotions.

There might be a limit to her capacity to be validating and intimate. What you might think of as *normal* in a relationship may never be available from her. However, if you adjust your expectations, there might be ways that she can be a fulfilling and enjoyable partner. It helps to think of BPD as a disability. Just like if you had a partner in a wheelchair and your favorite activity was hiking, you would need to figure out alternative ways to get that desire met.

Thank you very much for your reply. 

Unfortunately, while caring for my terminally ill parent she accused me of talking to another woman.   I told her this was not true, and asked if she had any evidence.   I went back to sleep, woke up to messages claiming she would tell my child what I was doing (the phantom affair) along with pictures of my child’s social media account.

All this while caring for my terminally ill parent. 

No-contact and divorce process started. 

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry about you experiencing this while awaiting the loss of your parent.  Such cruel behavior. 

[Zoa]

My ex once gave me the silent treatment for 31/2 years.  That was the second event.  The first was a year.  By the time he was 8 months into the third I kicked him out.  No one should be treated as if they don’t exist.  Work on yourself and move on.  Wishing you strength

[Manic Miner]

Hello All,

I'm very curious how my high functioning uBPDw is able to act out with a silent treatment for so long?

I'm genuinely curious how she physically and emotionally can pull it off for so long?

How does it feel for them?

What do they get out of it?

- In some cases, it can go on for a few days

- In many cases, for example, when we're together as a family, she'll act totally wonderfully normal with the kids but in parallel, at the same time, in the same room/car go hours without engaging me. No questions, no conversation, at most she'll answer with one cold word. It makes me feel so excluded.

- The only time she'll engage in a positive way is when she needs something... but the small things like driving directions or to hold the keys or a change of plans: "how about we go to ice cream after the beach?" It will be pleasant, but then she'll go right back to stern, angry no engagement when she gets what she wants.  

It's like you described my W entirely, 100%. From silent treatment to being cuddly with daughter, ignoring me, but also fine when she needs a favor of some kind.

What one pwBPD said herself in a self-confessed video on YT, when they are in the 'mood', they'd rather be alone than with you. Even if you'd want to fix your relationship and move on, having anxiety as invisible fear is hanging in the air, their thinking is so overloaded that there is no room for more information from you. What's even more important, when they are alone, they feel somewhat safe from harm.
They are focused on themselves and their needs as they cannot deal with it effectively and feel hurt, so you'll feel like being neglected, left alone or see no empathy from them.

Her confession was eye opening to me. As much as I learned stuff, it's different when you hear the thoughts straight from pwBPD that is on therapy and conscious about her behaviour.

Cat Familiar is, again, on point here. They are disabled, like people in wheelchairs, but this one is invisible, untreated and undocumented, making it harder to see and deal with.

[LifewithEase]

Very insightful and appreciated Manic Miner

A few reflections:

- when my uBPDw is in a great mode/mood she takes off alone for the afternoon or evening to go to the coast or a long walk... I think this is great self care. When she returns she is her best self. Yet she struggles with intimacy. Yes big sexual and body image issues (she refuses/rejects sex or physical intimacy as a way to punish me) but I'm focused on purest form of intimacy - vulnerability. The struggle, inability to be vulnerable, have empathy for those who struggle or are vulnerable. It doesn't help that she comes from a family deeply rooted in low empathy genes.

- I actually think one of the reasons she is so high functioning is that she doesn't [need to] spend energy or emotion on the vulnerabilities or challenges of other people, for example, her coworkers or neighbors. Any big challenge or vulnerability I have is a trigger and she can't deal with it. Actually articulates that she will not deal with it.

- She only has six people that she is close to in her life. This includes, two childhood friends, her mother and sister, and her two children. Alone is good for her. The only drawback is that it doesn't include me and it teaches the kids a more isolated and guarded way of living life with out a range and diversity of friends and relationships.

[Couscous]

it teaches the kids a more isolated and guarded way of living life with out a range and diversity of friends and relationships.

And this is where you come in. You can mitigate a lot of the damage she is doing by being a role model for what a healthy, balanced life looks like.

[CParent]

I came here today struggling with this very issue, and I’m so thankful to read this post and the responses. Sometimes my H feels more like my surly teenage son – monosyllabic, grumpy. Comes and goes as he pleases and only sometimes tells me where he’s going. I’ve learned to just focus on myself and my daughters. Yes, he loves to triangulate, sometimes with our kids (at times he barely speaks to me but very chatty with the girls). Sometimes he uses social media – I learn important things about his life from his Facebook posts.  

Most of the times I can ignore it, but sometimes it’s really hard. It can be so hard to stay strong, but these times force us to focus on our own needs and nurture ourselves. I think it best to ignore the behavior and keep busy while waiting it out.  For those of us trying to overcome codependence, though, this can feel like death by a thousand papercuts.

I’m trying to have compassion for him. Usually when he’s most withdrawn, I can see other dysregulated behaviors from him, like excessive praise seeking on social media. He’s split me before, but this past time was extremely rough, and 18 months later, I’m wondering if it will ever improve and how much longer I can keep this up. But, I’ve never had a better relationship with my daughters so there’s always a bright side to even the darkest roads.

[LifewithEase]

CParent,

You are blessed to have the relationship with your children. I can imagine, as it is for so many of us, exhausting and lonely dealing with the cycles.

Ignoring the behavior is the consistent advice I hear... that can be hard in a family unit (in the same house, same car, same tent).

[Jabberwocky]

I'm new to the understanding of BPD, but this is EXACTLY what I'm experiencing with my wife.  Trying to figure out answers...

[Cat Familiar]

There are no answers.

BPD is disordered thinking.

You cannot logically *figure it out*.

But you can learn Tools to protect yourself and lessen conflict.

Look at the Tools section at the top of this page.

[lostinthemesh]

What one pwBPD said herself in a self-confessed video on YT, when they are in the 'mood', they'd rather be alone than with you...Her confession was eye opening to me.

Do you have a link please?

[Manic Miner]

Do you have a link please?

Yes.
https://youtu.be/KHgt7qiiPkw

[lostinthemesh]

Yes.
https://youtu.be/KHgt7qiiPkw

Watched the whole thing but couldn't find mention of the idea you cited :S

[footballguy]

I can tell you about my experiences with who I hope is still my UBDPgf.

Something would trigger her, it could be something as simple as I asked an innocent question she took offense to.

Her silent treatment bouts would last anywhere from at first maybe a day or less...They have expanded now and can last upwards of a week or two.

I am inclined to think it's a combination of being punished to her not being able to communicate effectively enough.  She has frequently told me I am very smart, and feels "dumb" around me to which I always try to tell her she's wrong.

[LifewithEase]

I'm going to revisit this post by asking the same question but with more focus.

[Read the fantastic discussion & replies: building boundaries & protecting yourself; understanding there is a different mental model; BPD rumination & circular thinking; safety of being along; examples of silent treatments]

"A person with BPD (pwBPD) is focused on their feelings in the moment, rather than having an overarching strategy of behavior."

"There are no answers. BPD is disordered thinking.You cannot logically *figure it out*."

My favorite exchange is "how do you really build boundaries around a silent treatment" other than ignoring it?

  My new focused question:

- Physiologically and physically how can a person sustain a silent treatment (including unkind eye and body language) more or less over days and not see how ridiculous or odd they are being?

- What is happening in their physical systems that does not allow them to see or stop their actions in-real time. Is it the "hit/high" they get from being mean and they keep doing it for some type of high? Do they feel so justified based on endless rumination and false narratives that it is like an obligation to themselves? What type of hormones and other biochemicals are firing away to sustain this?

I don't get anxiety attacks but I've heard that one of the best ways to stop them are breathing techniques. Also putting very cold water on your face. I'm looking for the equivalent. There has to be a body mind connection.

I'm not asking to be difficult. I'm genuinely curious.

Does anyone have resources / links on this? Maybe to a medical MD + psychologist? Where is the leading research on BPD occurring these days?

[Manic Miner]

The best I can say, based on my own experience is they are experiencing their inner turmoil during silent treatment, although you cannot see it or even make any logical reasoning.

It is disordered thinking, combined with disordered emotions and inherited weight from past events at work.
They rarely forget when they suffered, esp. from you.

I remember when our D, W and I were at our last vacation. It was after we separated. We were at the Olympus mountain museum in Greece for the first time. Museum was made with love and care. It was interactive and inspiring. I hoped we would enjoy it and get sucked in with all the content about nature.

But what did my W do? Throughout the whole time there she was talking about us, our dramas, life, everything. She was ignoring me then coming back to talk further. I couldn't stop it. I begged her to focus on the museum and shift the awareness to NOW. She couldn't do it. The best she could was to shut up for a few minutes, take some pictures, be with our D and then come again.
It ended with us almost fighting again. I only briefly remember what I've seen there. I was so distracted, rushing the whole exhibition, frantically taking photographs so I could read and watch at home in peace. I was frustrated, sad and anxious.

But what did I learn? It was her disorder at work. She was desperate and tried to 'settle' down her ever-coming burst of emotional turmoil and sadness. But instead of doing it the healthy way - even if that meant being 'distracted' by the museum and our time there, she kept pushing until it fell apart. There's no logic there, they need help, but refuse to see it. She didn't even listen to me when I tried to stop it and focus. They are masters of their own downfall, taking others with them in the process.

[Couscous]

I just came across this informative article about the silent treatment. Apparently giving the silent treatment can become an addictive behavior.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/

[LifewithEase]

Interesting read.

“People use the silent treatment because they can get away with it without looking abusive to others,” Williams explained, “and because it’s highly effective in making the targeted individual feel bad.”