Daughter has cut off all ties

[FindElaine]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this website but am looking for insight/support.  While my 19 year old daughter has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, she has shown BPD traits for years and I do not have enough time to talk about all of the ups and downs that we went through when she was at home.  I think the original trigger was the sexual abuse by an online predator.  She has cut, had extreme emotions, been suicidal, participated in risky sexual behavior, destroyed property, been nasty to loved ones.  On the other side of coin she is beautiful and talented - athletically, artistically, and intellectually.  She graduated high school and decided to go to college in Canada.  Unfortunately because of covid, things did not work out and she met an older man online.  Fast forward she quit school and moved to be with this man.  We have never met him and she has not shared anything about him with us.  Recently she has adopted some radical thinking and has completely cut us out of her life.  She claims we were abusive and the cause for her depression.  I have tried many times to reconnect with her but she is not interested and says she needs time to heal.  I currently do not know where she is living.  I am so scared and broken-hearted.  I am looking to see if anyone else has experienced this and any advice you may be able to offer. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[akiceman]

Hello FindElaine. I am sorry for pain you are in. I think it is safe to say that many of us on this forum have felt much of what you are going through now. When my 18 year old daughter cut ties with my wife and I, we would send a text of We love you or something short every few days or so. Once, when we missed a few days, our daughter contacted us upset that we didn't send anything and that it was all our fault she was upset (typical BPD behavior).

The advice that helps me at times is the three C's.
1. I didn't CAUSE her behavior.
2. I can't CONTROL her behavior.
3. I can't CURE her.

I have had to repeat these to myself many times a day. It helps sometimes. Know that you are not alone. Hope this helps a little.

[FindElaine]

Thanks for the three C's.  I try to remind myself of this.  My BPD daughter reached out to her sister and told her she could no longer talk to her either and that she was changing her phone number. This send me into another couple of days of crying as I am just so sad and feel so stuck.  I keep trying to move on without her but everytime I see her picture or drive down the street, I think of her.  It has been exactly one year today that she left for college and I never in a million years thought she would never come home again.  It is helpful to read others' posts to know I am not alone but they also do not lead to a lot of hope.  It would be nice to know if there are people out there who have figured out how to have a decent relationship with their BPD son or daughter.  Do they ever come back?  I had labeled by post FindElaine because I feel like I have lost her.

[Huat]

Hello FindElaine

I didn't have the chance to respond when you posted a while back so will do so now.

I can only imagine the pain you live with in not knowing where your daughter is...who this man is she moved in with...if she is safe.

Have you tried contacting the police where you know she last resided?   There certainly are enough questions that filing a report would be warranted.

In the meantime, I think akiceman gave you great advice on how to help yourself from falling into a pit of guilt.  For myself...I am confident in knowing that I did the best I could do in bringing up my "challenging child" and I am confident in knowing that when I knew better I did better...and I will continue to do so.  How can you not say the same?  We ward off enough blows from these troubled children of ours so we have to learn to be kind to ourselves.

Glad you are here, FindElaine.  Hope you keep posting...putting into words what your heart is feeling...and continuing to share what is happening on this journey you are on with your daughter.

((HUGS) from Huat...and a wish that you get news of your daughter soon.