The more they love, the bigger the trigger, the more avoidant they become?

[heartandmind]

Hello all!

I've been lurking these forums for quite some time after my ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with BPD almost two years ago. This is my first time posting. I've bolded my direct question below for you tl;dr'ers  

My situation is very similar to many which I have read, so I will avoid going into much detail: we have been broken up for six months (we broke up because she couldn't handle the relationship at the moment and was going through many other personal issues), two months of which we stayed in contact with her heralding that we would get back together, we were in the situation together, and so on. Then, after I asked her to talk about the relationship one day (almost three months after the breakup, but we has just spoken days prior), she suddenly disappeared. She then ignored three texts of mine over a one month timespan, but never took any actual steps to disconnect from me (still "friends" on all social media profiles, never blocked my number, etc.)

She has not initiated contact with me since, but also since then, I have ran into her on the street twice. Both times she was extremely emotionally open toward me, I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, she apologized for not responding to me, and then invited me to meet up with her again the following week. Both times I followed up, but she disappeared yet again and I received no response. 

We have some mutual friends and I know that she has not been in anything that closely resembles a committed relationship since we broke up.

All she ever did was talk about how much she loved me, how she had never felt so loved or comfortable, etc. She also though would speak about how she wasn't ready for the commitment that I deserved and she wanted to give me. Long story short, she disappeared into thin air, but I know for a fact that I had nothing to do with it.

I have often heard that with pwBPD, the more they loved you, the more overwhelmed/anxious/triggered they get by the idea of you, the more avoidant they become of you altogether. Is this often true? It doesn't make sense for her to keep reopening the door with me only to keep running away from it, for whatever (un-factual) reasons or excuses she may have.

She also mentioned throughout our relationship how she would just get so incredibly anxious about different issues/situations that she would just end up avoiding them altogether... .is this also common?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated 

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[heartandmind]

And if anyone should ask about my intentions because I know you often do, yes, I do hope that we could be together again sometime in the future. I understand that it may be way down the road and am moving on with my life in the current, but I have done extensive homework regarding this disorder and would be only honored to stand by her side through it all. That's just my prerogative and I don't think anyone could stray me otherwise. She is my other half and my life just feels a whole lot better with her in it. Thank you to everyone and I appreciate you taking the time to read this thread!

[JRT]

I have often heard that with pwBPD, the more they loved you, the more overwhelmed/anxious/triggered they get by the idea of you, the more avoidant they become of you altogether. Is this often true? It doesn't make sense for her to keep reopening the door with me only to keep running away from it, for whatever (un-factual) reasons or excuses she may have.

You hit the nail squarely on the head with this. The more they loved you, the more that you meant to them, the more radical the discard and painting you black. It wasn't until this was brought to my attention that I was able to fully understand what had happened to me with my exBPD fiance. For 2 years we had NEVER fought, saw eye to on on just about everything and were by both or our reckoning very much made for one another (in our late 40's, we had the experience to know the difference).

After selling her redundant stuff and moving in to my house, we ordered our rings at her prompting, had a nice dinner for our parents to meet one another (again at her prompting) and three days later while I was out of town for work, she broke up via text and blocked me EVERYWHERE from contact (I tried to circumvent the blocks where she had called the cops and had lawyers send threatening letters to me I had never so much as raised my voice to her). Two years later and I have not spoken or seen her... .I have no clue where she even lives.

The type of behavior on her part was commensurate with someone who was being abused but there was none of that. Its clear example of what you describe above and how people with BPD react to the intimacy that they crave like oxygen but end up sabotaging in the end all on their own. I can think of few things more sad... .

[heartandmind]

I have often heard that with pwBPD, the more they loved you, the more overwhelmed/anxious/triggered they get by the idea of you, the more avoidant they become of you altogether. Is this often true? It doesn't make sense for her to keep reopening the door with me only to keep running away from it, for whatever (un-factual) reasons or excuses she may have.

You hit the nail squarely on the head with this. The more they loved you, the more that you meant to them, the more radical the discard and painting you black. It wasn't until this was brought to my attention that I was able to fully understand what had happened to me with my exBPD fiance. For 2 years we had NEVER fought, saw eye to on on just about everything and were by both or our reckoning very much made for one another (in our late 40's, we had the experience to know the difference).

After selling her redundant stuff and moving in to my house, we ordered our rings at her prompting, had a nice dinner for our parents to meet one another (again at her prompting) and three days later while I was out of town for work, she broke up via text and blocked me EVERYWHERE from contact (I tried to circumvent the blocks where she had called the cops and had lawyers send threatening letters to me I had never so much as raised my voice to her). Two years later and I have not spoken or seen her... .I have no clue where she even lives.

The type of behavior on her part was commensurate with someone who was being abused but there was none of that. Its clear example of what you describe above and how people with BPD react to the intimacy that they crave like oxygen but end up sabotaging in the end all on their own. I can think of few things more sad... .

Thank you for your input!

I do have a question regarding the practice of painting of people black, though. I have read a lot about the black/white logic, but still cannot answer this question for myself.

In our relationship, we never had an argument either. Perhaps I misunderstood "painting black" as fighting with you, blaming you, hating you, etc. She constantly idealized me, even post-break up and took the blame for everything that she had done. In the end, it was her idea to break things off for then and she wronged herself for everything. She also never blocked me from social media and is always receptive when we serendipitously meet.

All of this said, is it still possible for her to have painted me black? In my head that is synonymous with them labeling you as an abandoner of sorts who had wronged them, but I never ever got the feeling that this happened in my situation.

Just trying to broaden my own knowledge of what the act of painting black means! Thanks again 

[JRT]

pwBPD have a black or white ay of thinking; there are NO shades of gray. For example; someone is either all good or they are all bad. In the wake of a breakup ESPECIALLY if they are the ones that pulled the trigger on it, they often see the non as all bad and very little if anything redeeming about you. I think that this is a defense mechanism that enables the breakup and makes it easier to justify in their own mind. 'He is all bad so how can I return to him'?

Keep in mind that what is often discussed here is TYPICAL BPD behavior. You might hear someone say that it is a 'spectrum disorder' which means -in essence- that there are many variations on a them and some things that don't at all apply: they are not all the same.

Were you the one that did the breaking up or vice versa?

[heartandmind]

pwBPD have a black or white ay of thinking; there are NO shades of gray. For example; someone is either all good or they are all bad. In the wake of a breakup ESPECIALLY if they are the ones that pulled the trigger on it, they often see the non as all bad and very little if anything redeeming about you. I think that this is a defense mechanism that enables the breakup and makes it easier to justify in their own mind. 'He is all bad so how can I return to him'?

Keep in mind that what is often discussed here is TYPICAL BPD behavior. You might hear someone say that it is a 'spectrum disorder' which means -in essence- that there are many variations on a them and some things that don't at all apply: they are not all the same.

Were you the one that did the breaking up or vice versa?

I understand! Thank you.

In my case, I had expressed to her how she was making me feel like more of an inconvenience to her where she was at that point in her life rather than a priority. She did not argue with me, but instead said that she simply couldn't handle the commitment that we started with at that point (this was very true) and suggested that we break for the time being.

I would say she totally split on me and painted me black, but she has been nothing ever but receptive since then, minus the avoidance. She has not taken any actions to remove me from her life, only ever put the blame on herself for everything that led to the breakup, endlessly thanked me for my patience after the fact, and been nothing but cordial, warm, welcoming, and kind since then (when we have spoken).

This is why I was leaning more toward the act of avoidance with her being overwhelmed with emotion/anxiety and unable to act rather than some form of splitting.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but given what I have learned about BPD, I could see her not feeling she is ready for the commitment that I warrant and avoiding me totally in fear that if she does come back and isn't ready, she would lose me all over again. I know that was very painful for us both. She also expressed fears of commitment and said she saw commitment personified in me, which otherwise would usually be a compliment! Haha.

Could be wrong though; just an idea!

Thanks again 

[JRT]

It sure is odd in relation to what I know about it. Just thinking out loud: maybe she is telling your what she thinks you want to hear? ?

[heartandmind]

It sure is odd in relation to what I know about it. Just thinking out loud: maybe she is telling your what she thinks you want to hear? ?

In terms of her not wanting to be with me, but leading me on because she's afraid to hurt me? Thought about that a lot, but she is one of the most blunt, cut-to-the-chase individuals I have ever met (at times people definitely fear her honesty) and never spared me the truth in the past, even though at times it killed me. This said, I doubt highly she would keep throwing the bait out intentionally in our interactions only to keep me from being hurt. She has told mutual friends of ours since our break that she still loves me, so that disproves the whole lip service possibility. I think I'm pretty correct about my theory, but only time shall tell. Well, now we're branching out here from the topic of the thread hahaha, but thank you so much for all of your help 

[Icanteven]

I have often heard that with pwBPD, the more they loved you, the more overwhelmed/anxious/triggered they get by the idea of you, the more avoidant they become of you altogether. Is this often true?[/b] It doesn't make sense for her to keep reopening the door with me only to keep running away from it, for whatever (un-factual) reasons or excuses she may have.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297980.0

She also mentioned throughout our relationship how she would just get so incredibly anxious about different issues/situations that she would just end up avoiding them altogether... .is this also common?

Have you seen the balloons commercial for the iPhone 7?  We got engaged in Chicago.  Balloons were a sweet gesture that turned into a recurring gag of our relationship to the point that our friends got into the act.  One of the last gifts my wife gave me was a handmade card thanking me for taking care of her that ended with "you are my one and only true love.  Forever."  I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook after she left and we were still Facebook friends, such that everyone we know knows that's out there.

Twenty seconds or so into the commercial you see the girders for the L and you instantly know you're in Chicago.  And you see the balloons massing.  And you know how the song ends.  And you're in public watching a game with a bunch of your buddies. And you can see the horror building in their faces as you're trying to hold yourself together.  And then they all turn and look at you.  And youre kinda shaking a little bit because, really Apple?  Come the hell on.  But at least it turns into a big group hug.

I thought I wouldn't get triggered any more having heard our wedding song and our song and seen our movie on reruns and gone to our places by myself no longer bothering the sh*t out of me, but that one just kinda broke me.  

I imagine that's how pwBPD feel about so many things that, yes, they would avoid them at any cost.  I still am not real excited to see that commercial, and that's small potatoes to what they're feeling about you-name-it by comparison.

[heartandmind]

I have often heard that with pwBPD, the more they loved you, the more overwhelmed/anxious/triggered they get by the idea of you, the more avoidant they become of you altogether. Is this often true?[/b] It doesn't make sense for her to keep reopening the door with me only to keep running away from it, for whatever (un-factual) reasons or excuses she may have.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297980.0

She also mentioned throughout our relationship how she would just get so incredibly anxious about different issues/situations that she would just end up avoiding them altogether... .is this also common?

Have you seen the balloons commercial for the iPhone 7?  We got engaged in Chicago.  Balloons were a sweet gesture that turned into a recurring gag of our relationship to the point that our friends got into the act.  One of the last gifts my wife gave me was a handmade card thanking me for taking care of her that ended with "you are my one and only true love.  Forever."  I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook after she left and we were still Facebook friends, such that everyone we know knows that's out there.

Twenty seconds or so into the commercial you see the girders for the L and you instantly know you're in Chicago.  And you see the balloons massing.  And you know how the song ends.  And you're in public watching a game with a bunch of your buddies. And you can see the horror building in their faces as you're trying to hold yourself together.  And then they all turn and look at you.  And youre kinda shaking a little bit because, really Apple?  Come the hell on.  But at least it turns into a big group hug.

I thought I wouldn't get triggered any more having heard our wedding song and our song and seen our movie on reruns and gone to our places by myself no longer bothering the sh*t out of me, but that one just kinda broke me. 

I imagine that's how pwBPD feel about so many things that, yes, they would avoid them at any cost.  I still am not real excited to see that commercial, and that's small potatoes to what they're feeling about you-name-it by comparison.

Wow, that first link really hit home. Especially since I heard she hasn't been in a true relationship since our breakup over half a year ago. Thank you so much for the share. She tends to get herself into very codependent relationships, and ours was no different, though she routinely said ours was the best she was ever in, the one she always felt the most cared for and comfortable in. Again, I always say that for anyone else to say something like that to me would be a huge compliment but for pwBPD, I almost take it more as a warning, if you understand what I'm saying by that.

When we broke up last year she had an incredible downward spiral that led to nothing short of a mental crack. This was petrifying for me, and though I was there every second of the day going with it through her, it showed me the full intensity of her feelings for me... .which, again, is not necessarily a compliment.

I always attribute behavior this erratic (ie: going out of her way to invite me out only to avoid me again when I follow through) to something psychological rather than rational, as in a push/pull effect (like the entire rest of our relationship was) rather than a "I'm too weak to say I don't want to be with you" effect, especially when you are dealing with curt, blunt individuals.

Thank you deeply for this information. I will carry it with me for sure. 

[JRT]

Interesting that yours is not in a committed relationship... .mine has been by herself for two years with no replacement for me.

[Willis002]

Wow! I feel like this is exactly what happened in my relationship. Our relationship was great and then she just leaves. I'm currently working with one of her best friends to talk to her. He knows her very well and knows she does this. He doesn't want another one of her relationships to go down the drain like all the others. He's going to try and calm her down. Idk how well this will work but he said all he heard about me was positive. We shall see