Do they care if they realize it?

[slimmiller]

I have children with someone, that as is typical refuses to address her issues, and thus am interested in trying to understand her and make the best life I can for my them. Thus I ask questions because it helps me to be a better parent.

Or, does someone with BPD, or traits of BPD, realize it when they cause emotional destruction in the life of others around them and do they care if they realize it?

(I have seen mine be a complete emotional monster with my children, not to mention me)

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[whereisthezen]

Good question!  I too have similar experiences with my H.

I would add that I do hear, "I know I am a difficult person sometimes" or "I know I can be hard on you"... .   but as soon as any changes are to be seen, a stress, a trigger, something makes us go through the same cycle.

Outburst -> silent treatment -> separation -> hap hazard apology -> leaning on me for comfort -> some awareness a need for change -> boredom/depression -> outburst (again).

Emotional destruction? Yes I think they get a glimpse, and can't deal with it so they either latch on or pull away and get angry. 

Do you notice any patterns that she may have with you or the kids before and after she reaches the anger stage?

[snowmanstephan]

In my scenario there is a distinct disconnect between the two. Rarely does my wife see how what she says or does affects others until I mention it to her in a very passive DBT manner. Usually the kids react with anger or outsiders with a snide comment. My wife believes everyone is out to get her because "everyone is so rude"... .   typical comment from the oblivious... . It took me years and a great therapist to figure out that her mind has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old. I used to blow up. Now most of the time I am passive and matter of fact. I have to handle her naivety in a dual manner. speak with no emotion in my voice and simply but also address her like an adult. This was and is a trick but I am learning.  DBT works... . It takes alot of forward thinking... . Practice for some scenarios. Practice in your head at every opportunity. You will notice that your reactions will become more passive with the understanding of the disorder and practice of DBT responses.

Your days will become less stressed and more manageable. Mine are now a 5-6 on a 1-10 scale but far improved from the 2-3 they were. Great reading on this site... .   FYI, married 22 years with six kids... . I am here for them first... .  

[snowmanstephan]

Best thing you can do is be centered and stable for your kids... . Get your ego out of the picture and teach the kids how to react to mom. Do not tell them mom is sick but tell them there are things they can control and things they cannot. Mom is a cannot... . It stinks that their mom is BPD but they can grow up healthy and stable if you set a good example. They do not understand why they are sometimes screamed at and grounded for life over seamingly small things and nothing other times. But they do know that the punishment is not fitting... . I have written down and posted on the wall some family rules with appropriate punishments attached. This helps take the sting out of a blow up moment and responsibality off mom.  I think the most effective punishment is take away liberties like video games or in foul cases they clean a bathroom or two everyday for 1,2 or 3 days... .   I have them practice scenarios with me. What should you do when a person (mom) over reacts... .   Not to acquiesce and not to react by meeting her level of outburst but to be calm, listen and not take it personally... . tough fot the little ones. Sad but true... . My 9 year old was subject to that yesterday and she stood there clamly. When mom stopped yelling and my little one for getting crumbs on the floor, she looked at mom and said with puppy dog eyes; Mom, How will I go to college if I am in my room? ... .   doesn't the rule say clean it up and make it neater that I found it? I hate to say but there is no real training for the war zone.  Learn by experience... .

[maryy16]

When my H is in his "normal" state, he completely gets it.  He has even admitted this.  But, he says that once he gets angry, nothing else matters except his rage and that it is almost impossible to stop.  All the tools and techniques make no difference at that point. 

So, I guess the key maybe is to somehow stop the the downhill slide before it starts.  Since he has admitted to having BPD, I can see that he does try really hard not to get into the raging state.  If he can catch himself, now he is able to bring himself back before the raging begins.