When you are "cut off" is it almost always because they are with someone else?

[Huh?]

My experience has confirmed this in the past.  My waif uBPD (uNPD) ex fiancee has completely cut me off  with the silent treatment at this point.  I broke no contact yesterday asking and trying to reason for the ring back at least, and she will not respond at all.  I still owe the full amount on it and I was hoping to get it back so I can get atleast 10% of it back (since they have no resale value) and put it towards the debt.   I have no idea if she will give it back to me.

At this point, Im not sure Im going to push it.  I feel like, if she doesnt mail it back I probably should just let it go.  I could see her calling the police if I tried to show up announced at our old apartment.  She sleeps with a taser... .so I could see her trying to use that on me too.    (seriously, I just read my last sentence. WTH was I thinking? Wow. I have issues.   )

[Frankcostello]

That is a possibility that they might be with someone else.  I know my exBPDgf was with someone else when she completely cut me off.  I know they also like to string you along as long as they can before they cut you off.  So she my might be with someone else or she might just be unable to control her emotions at the moment.  But I wouldn't be surprised that she is with someone else and she is currently getting her needs met by someone else so she cut you off.  Best to leave her alone, and move forward with your life. If she contacts you at some point then you can decide whether you want to be in contact with her or not, however when someone cuts you off without a care about how you feel, then it's best to get away from that person and not contact them ever again because they don't care about you only about themselves.

[Huh?]

That is a possibility that they might be with someone else.  I know my exBPDgf was with someone else when she completely cut me off.  I know they also like to string you along as long as they can before they cut you off.  So she my might be with someone else or she might just be unable to control her emotions at the moment.  But I wouldn't be surprised that she is with someone else and she is currently getting her needs met by someone else so she cut you off.  Best to leave her alone, and move forward with your life. If she contacts you at some point then you can decide whether you want to be in contact with her or not, however when someone cuts you off without a care about how you feel, then it's best to get away from that person and not contact them ever again because they don't care about you only about themselves.

Cool.   Thanks.  She did string me along for a couple months right after our split with LC... .pretended like she wanted to work things out for a few weeks, and now at this point Im cut off after I confronted her about some lies.  My gut was screaming she was at least talking to somebody else... .so it would make sense.

I dont understand why she would want to hold onto the ring tho... .unless it is some form of punishment?

[rg1976]

Holding onto the ring may be her tangible form of "winning".  It could also be she knows it bothers you, so she's using it as a " hook".  If she decides to come back she could use the something like the wods: "See, I kept the ring this who time because I couldn't let go either!" Who knows why, but if it were me, I would just cut my losses and turn away.

The expense of a ring is not worth the damage the it will do if you don't let it go.

Keep trying to detach, and try to spend time with people who are kind to you.

[Infared]

"My gut was screaming she was at least talking to somebody else... .so it would make sense."

Trust your gut. If she is a pwBPD you will never get a straight answer regarding that topic. they lie at all cost. I knew in my head thar my pwBPD could not ever be on her own and have the personal strength to run of on a dime and leave me. no way. She lies to EVERYONE.

Tough place to be.  I would just take care of you and get as much support as you can for grieving the loss. I could deal with death more easily as I knew that that person didn't make the choice. I found it to be excruciating that a person who I thought deeply cared about me was nothing but vapor and chose to just abandon me. Completely and abruptly. There really is no explaining it, only acceptance. 

[pieceofme]

the first time he broke up with me - after a week of NC, my ex said he hadn't missed me at all because he had been "keeping himself busy." i later found out that meant with his ex. just the other day he spent ALL day begging and pleading with me for another chance to prove himself and his loyalty to me, just to end up spending the night with her. his "excuse" was that he can't be alone 

[Popcorn71]

the first time he broke up with me - after a week of NC, my ex said he hadn't missed me at all because he had been "keeping himself busy." i later found out that meant with his ex. just the other day he spent ALL day begging and pleading with me for another chance to prove himself and his loyalty to me, just to end up spending the night with her. his "excuse" was that he can't be alone  

Same here.  Begging and pleading, making promises, while also making plans with the replacement and making sure he wouldn't be alone.  For them, anyone is better than nobody and they can only 'let go' of us when they have somebody else to cling to.  When they do have somebody else, they can't get rid of us quickly enough.

[pieceofme]

For them, anyone is better than nobody and they can only 'let go' of us when they have somebody else to cling to.  When they do have somebody else, they can't get rid of us quickly enough.

anybody is better than nobody - that's the truth! my ex's ex (that he has been "keeping himself busy with" has been truly horrible to him - tried to get him fired from his job, tried to get him arrested multiple times, spent our entire relationship trying to break us up, she has repeatedly attacked me publicly on instagram. i asked him if it's really *that* bad that being with her is better than being alone and he said shook his head yes. it makes me sick   

[Infared]

the first time he broke up with me - after a week of NC, my ex said he hadn't missed me at all because he had been "keeping himself busy." i later found out that meant with his ex. just the other day he spent ALL day begging and pleading with me for another chance to prove himself and his loyalty to me, just to end up spending the night with her. his "excuse" was that he can't be alone  

Same here.  Begging and pleading, making promises, while also making plans with the replacement and making sure he wouldn't be alone.  For them, anyone is better than nobody and they can only 'let go' of us when they have somebody else to cling to.  When they do have somebody else, they can't get rid of us quickly enough.

Like a child who needs his/her mommie. It boggles the mind.

[elessar]

Like a child who needs his/her mommie. It boggles the mind.[/quote]
Yup, I had realized years ago that I was her parental replacement, till she decided to stop protesting their controlling nature, then I became disposable. They will always seek that parent figure to take care of them. Financially, spiritually, emotionally... .someone to take care of them. Like my ex earns 130-140k, but she wants a man who earns that much so she can potentially not work.

it is sick because they don't know how to take care of themselves. mine has never left home. her laundry is taken care of, her dinner is ready when she is home, lunch is packed by mommy. its just an enmeshed, controlling, sick family. then when they are with you, they realize you wont do EVERYTHING they demand. you might do 99/100 things they want. but if a child doesn't get that one thing he/she wants NOW, your are done for them.

as for original question, mine cuts me off when the emotions become too strong. keeps me in low contact when nothing else is going on in her life. and if she is on no contact, that means some sort of marriage talk is going on with some guy.

[myself]

Whether or not there's someone else (it seems there usually is), they're running from themselves. Cutting themselves off from themselves. They're not really connected to the last person, or the new person. When they try, the outcome is disordered. Living on the surface because the pain's too deep.

[woofhound]

I needed to read this post today. I broke NC last night, and, of course, got no reply. I'm ashamed, but I know that when I drink I get emotional.

I've been hearing that she's been sleeping around with a lot of different people... .ironic since through our whole relationship she insisted that she "wasn't one of those girls" and was "hard to get". What a line of crap.

The constant need for validation and their desire to be liked keeps them going, but it is also their downfall. I see a reflection of her in her choices of friends. All of them are either divorced or unmarried in very unstable relationships.

So yeah, in my case at least, she's got someone else. It hurts like hell, but my logical (not drunk) mind knows I'm better off.

[Blimblam]

Here's the thing BPD women are Mr. F. Mentally Retareded Females yes theis sounds harsh but it is true the fact we cared and don't take advantage of people like this shows of our character. Their are a lot if people out their that while not disordered have a very low level of morality and take advantage of mentally handicapped people. MrFs tend to gravitate towards each other and the more self righteous ones set a bad example and enable the ones with no direction towards terrible behavior. My friend calls these groups of females the too much fun club.  Party girls, hoes, hoodrats, hooker with a heart of gold these are the archetypes associated with these women. It is what it is. It is incredibly difficult to accept. Nice guys finish last with these types of women.

[tired-of-it-all]

My ability to pick a partner is such a train wreck that I really don't trust any woman that shows an interest in me.  I know that is sick.  It is also unfair to the good women in this world but it is how I feel.  It is how I feel because of my horrible experiences.

My uBPDw is now working.  She is too happy.  The only other times she was this happy is when I was pretty sure she was having an affair. 

If I let my mind wander, I will concoct all manner of theories that aren't good for  my happiness.  For now, I am not going to let my mind go there.  It won't do me any good.

[Huh?]

Thanks for the insight everyone.  I almost just contacted her now... .I wanted to ask her, "If you dont want to be my wife, why then do you want my ring?"  But I know that would have been, 1. Pathetic. 2. A pointless endeavor. And 3. The absolute wrong thing to do, since I need to somehow find the strength to move on from this toxic relationship.

Ive been dumped 3 times over the last ten years (not trying to sound pathetic, I know it does... .but its just a fact)... .the two previous times there was another guy.  No doubt that there is here too.  It just sucks because she presented herself as different.  I wasnt perfect, but Ive always been good to the woman in my life.  But as said above, I too choose women unwisely.

Two things over the course of our relationship that she said that stand out to me right now are "I would never cheat on you, I would break up with you first"... .and the most recently within the last year when we were supposedly working on repairing our previous break, "Why do you want to marry me? Is it because you are afraid nobody else would marry you?"    Maybe she is right... .and that is something I need to address within myself.

All I know is that Im growing tired of wallowing in pity, trying to make sense of these broken relationships with these women that cant be satisfied.  Im so bitter, its taken over all aspects of my life and Im stuck.  Im not sure what I can do mentally and emotionally to break free... .other than NC and lots and lots of time.  Ive gotta break free of this.  Ive always been a fighter... .but man, Im leaning hard on the ropes right now.  

[Huh?]

Here's the thing BPD women are Mr. F. Mentally Retareded Females yes theis sounds harsh but it is true the fact we cared and don't take advantage of people like this shows of our character. Their are a lot if people out their that while not disordered have a very low level of morality and take advantage of mentally handicapped people. MrFs tend to gravitate towards each other and the more self righteous ones set a bad example and enable the ones with no direction towards terrible behavior. My friend calls these groups of females the too much fun club.  Party girls, hoes, hoodrats, hooker with a heart of gold these are the archetypes associated with these women. It is what it is. It is incredibly difficult to accept. Nice guys finish last with these types of women.

Not so much nice guys, but good guys.  We are good because we do our best to provide for them, but spend most of our time having to stand up to them, call them on their ridiculous and insane behavior, all the while doing our best to reign in their emotionally instability. 

It could go either way in my experience.  They crave either the "nice" guy that is a doormat... .or the "bad boy" that will use, control, and more than likely throw them away.   If we were "nice", wed still be with these woman as they would feel they could walk all over us all day long.  I truly believe that.

The one quality that I as "good" guy am specifically lacking however is the ability to walk away when they start hysterically waving their red flags.  They do it because they crave the drama, the fighting.  I will be walking away from here on out when BPD indicators arise. Guaranteed.

[Infared]

Thanks for the insight everyone.  I almost just contacted her now... .I wanted to ask her, "If you dont want to be my wife, why then do you want my ring?"  But I know that would have been, 1. Pathetic. 2. A pointless endeavor. And 3. The absolute wrong thing to do, since I need to somehow find the strength to move on from this toxic relationship.

Ive been dumped 3 times over the last ten years (not trying to sound pathetic, I know it does... .but its just a fact)... .the two previous times there was another guy.  No doubt that there is here too.  It just sucks because she presented herself as different.  I wasnt perfect, but Ive always been good to the woman in my life.  

Two things over the course of our relationship that she said that stand out to me right now are "I would never cheat on you, I would break up with you first"... .and the most recently within the last year when we were supposedly working on repairing our previous break, "Why do you want to marry me? Is it because you are afraid nobody else would marry you?"    Maybe she is right... .and that is something I need to address within myself.

All I know is that Im growing tired of wallowing in pity, trying to make sense of these broken relationships with these women that cant be satisfied.  Im so bitter, its taken over all aspects of my life and Im stuck.  Im not sure what I can do mentally and emotionally to break free... .other than NC and lots and lots of time.  Ive gotta break free of this.  Ive always been a fighter... .but man, Im leaning hard on the ropes right now.  

I am down tonight too, Huh?.  ... .let me give you a little tough love that I will listen to as well as I need to hear it.  

She was cheating on you.

She lies to you.

She is mentally ill.

She has absolutely no class at all... .because descent people take the topic of marriage seriously and they consider their feelings and the feelings of the other person.  Only mentally deranged sleeze bags say yes when being asked to marry,  take a ring from some one, cheat on them and keep the ring. Those are the facts here, right?  

You (we) are fortunate to not have them in our lives.  It hurts because we wasted our love on them.  Self forgiveness is key here. I know that I was honest, faithful and trusting... .at least "I" can walk away with that... .and that a LOT!

[Huh?]

Thanks for the insight everyone.  I almost just contacted her now... .I wanted to ask her, "If you dont want to be my wife, why then do you want my ring?"  But I know that would have been, 1. Pathetic. 2. A pointless endeavor. And 3. The absolute wrong thing to do, since I need to somehow find the strength to move on from this toxic relationship.

Ive been dumped 3 times over the last ten years (not trying to sound pathetic, I know it does... .but its just a fact)... .the two previous times there was another guy.  No doubt that there is here too.  It just sucks because she presented herself as different.  I wasnt perfect, but Ive always been good to the woman in my life.  

Two things over the course of our relationship that she said that stand out to me right now are "I would never cheat on you, I would break up with you first"... .and the most recently within the last year when we were supposedly working on repairing our previous break, "Why do you want to marry me? Is it because you are afraid nobody else would marry you?"    Maybe she is right... .and that is something I need to address within myself.

All I know is that Im growing tired of wallowing in pity, trying to make sense of these broken relationships with these women that cant be satisfied.  Im so bitter, its taken over all aspects of my life and Im stuck.  Im not sure what I can do mentally and emotionally to break free... .other than NC and lots and lots of time.  Ive gotta break free of this.  Ive always been a fighter... .but man, Im leaning hard on the ropes right now.  

I am down tonight too, Huh?.  ... .let me give you a little tough love that I will listen to as well as I need to hear it.  

She was cheating on you.

She lies to you.

She is mentally ill.

She has absolutely no class at all... .because descent people take the topic of marriage seriously and they consider their feelings and the feelings of the other person.  Only mentally deranged sleeze bags say yes when being asked to marry,  take a ring from some one, cheat on them and keep the ring. Those are the facts here, right?  

You (we) are fortunate to not have them in our lives.  It hurts because we wasted our love on them.  Self forgiveness is key here. I know that I was honest, faithful and trusting... .at least "I" can walk away with that... .and that a LOT!

Thanks Infared.  Yeah, that was definitely some tough love there. Haha. 2 of of three things you listed I know are fact... .so the third should follow I guess.  The line about her cheating on me, definitely made my heart skip when I read it.  My gut was screaming it... .so I figured it more than likely.  I just didnt think she was the "type".  She comes from a family of cheaters... .from day one, she told me that the idea of it absolutely disgusts her.  I held on to those words for a long time.  

I gotta find the strength to accept and move on.  But Ive gotta face the pain first... .which sucks.  I could start dating again... .I want to start dating again... .but I know that wouldnt be best right now.  

[Infared]

Thanks for the insight everyone.  I almost just contacted her now... .I wanted to ask her, "If you dont want to be my wife, why then do you want my ring?"  But I know that would have been, 1. Pathetic. 2. A pointless endeavor. And 3. The absolute wrong thing to do, since I need to somehow find the strength to move on from this toxic relationship.

Ive been dumped 3 times over the last ten years (not trying to sound pathetic, I know it does... .but its just a fact)... .the two previous times there was another guy.  No doubt that there is here too.  It just sucks because she presented herself as different.  I wasnt perfect, but Ive always been good to the woman in my life.  

Two things over the course of our relationship that she said that stand out to me right now are "I would never cheat on you, I would break up with you first"... .and the most recently within the last year when we were supposedly working on repairing our previous break, "Why do you want to marry me? Is it because you are afraid nobody else would marry you?"    Maybe she is right... .and that is something I need to address within myself.

All I know is that Im growing tired of wallowing in pity, trying to make sense of these broken relationships with these women that cant be satisfied.  Im so bitter, its taken over all aspects of my life and Im stuck.  Im not sure what I can do mentally and emotionally to break free... .other than NC and lots and lots of time.  Ive gotta break free of this.  Ive always been a fighter... .but man, Im leaning hard on the ropes right now.  

I am down tonight too, Huh?.  ... .let me give you a little tough love that I will listen to as well as I need to hear it.  

She was cheating on you.

She lies to you.

She is mentally ill.

She has absolutely no class at all... .because descent people take the topic of marriage seriously and they consider their feelings and the feelings of the other person.  Only mentally deranged sleeze bags say yes when being asked to marry,  take a ring from some one, cheat on them and keep the ring. Those are the facts here, right?  

You (we) are fortunate to not have them in our lives.  It hurts because we wasted our love on them.  Self forgiveness is key here. I know that I was honest, faithful and trusting... .at least "I" can walk away with that... .and that a LOT!

Thanks Infared.  Yeah, that was definitely some tough love there. Haha. 2 of of three things you listed I know are fact... .so the third should follow I guess.  The line about her cheating on me, definitely made my heart skip when I read it.  My gut was screaming it... .so I figured it more than likely.  I just didnt think she was the "type".  She comes from a family of cheaters... .from day one, she told me that the idea of it absolutely disgusts her.  I held on to those words for a long time.  

I gotta find the strength to accept and move on.  But Ive gotta face the pain first... .which sucks.  I could start dating again... .I want to start dating again... .but I know that wouldnt be best right now.  

When I met mine she was cheating on the guy she was living with with a married guy with 4 kids.  

(I know... I should have my head handed to me)

I knew her very causually for a couple of years. When she showed an interest in me I told her that she had to move out or I would not date her and that the other relationship had to end.  I think it did but who knows now.

We lived together for 5 years... at the beginning, unprovoked she PROMISED me that she would NEVER hurt me. She said it so sincerely, out of the blue... .I was truly touched (manipulated).

She just offered that up... .I guess to throw me off!    Who knows.

[workinprogress]

My ability to pick a partner is such a train wreck that I really don't trust any woman that shows an interest in me.  I know that is sick.  It is also unfair to the good women in this world but it is how I feel.  It is how I feel because of my horrible experiences.

My uBPDw is now working.  She is too happy.  The only other times she was this happy is when I was pretty sure she was having an affair. 

If I let my mind wander, I will concoct all manner of theories that aren't good for  my happiness.  For now, I am not going to let my mind go there.  It won't do me any good.

TOIA, listen, I think I am figuring women out a bit.  I have always been driven towards "trashy" women.  It's been my downfall.  What I am coming to realize is this, if a woman approaches you first, that may be a red flag.  I have always been a bit more reserved, and I think these women some how sniff that out.

Since I have been pretty much celibate in my marriage the last 16 years, I have been doing some real self-evaluation and evaluating my entire life.  I tend to have women approach me a lot.  For awhile I enjoyed the attention.  I never believed that I would cheat, but I allowed a woman to basically stalk me and I eventually succumbed to temptation.  I hated it, but I missed human touch so much. I see that it was my fault for not putting my foot down and keeping her away from me. I thought that I could stay in control of myself.  Also, when my wife cut me off sexually 16 years ago, I had very strong suspicions that she was cheating.  In the random times that she did pursue me sexually after that, it seemed to align with the fact that I had a bonus coming, or she needed something done.

But, I digress.  I used to enjoy this attention from women.  I noticed it came from primarily younger women and who would dress in a more revealing way.  Perhaps their cleavage was showing.

So, I am very observant now.  I notice that women who dress humbly and focus on their work or their endeavors seem to be less BPD.  I could be wrong on that.  Humbleness seems to be a trait that should be the best indicator of a woman's worth.

Perhaps that sounds old-fashioned, but I now believe that the same applies for the men, too.

Humbleness, a sense of purpose, lack of drama, and reliability seem to be the key to being a good person in general.

I hope this made sense.

[Huh?]

Perhaps that sounds old-fashioned, but I now believe that the same applies for the men, too.

Humbleness, a sense of purpose, lack of drama, and reliability seem to be the key to being a good person in general.

I hope this made sense.

Wow! 16 years without sex sounds horrible!  Why were you guys still together?  Just the convenience

of the marriage... .or just to complicated to not divorce?  Im sorry, that sucks!

I will tell you tho, that both of my most recent exs... .and both very uBPD waif types... .were very very conservative dressers and "christian", but seductive in other ways.  I think the one thing that stood out in your last statement to me tho, is that neither one of them had a sense of purpose... .AT ALL.  They both seemed to be floating thru life and were fortunate to find good jobs... .but denied their passion and purpose in order to keep the norm.

That used to frustrate me.  It seemed that all they were capable of, and all they wanted to was land a man with a lot of money.   Once I they felt I wasnt able to provide that for them, they were/are off to the next guy.

But yeah, red flags were waving the whole time.  Why I didnt walk away at the beginning, Ill never know.  The actions NEVER match the words with these people. 

[workinprogress]

Perhaps that sounds old-fashioned, but I now believe that the same applies for the men, too.

Humbleness, a sense of purpose, lack of drama, and reliability seem to be the key to being a good person in general.

I hope this made sense.

Wow! 16 years without sex sounds horrible!  Why were you guys still together?  Just the convenience

of the marriage... .or just to complicated to not divorce?  Im sorry, that sucks!

I will tell you tho, that both of my most recent exs... .and both very uBPD waif types... .were very very conservative dressers and "christian", but seductive in other ways.  I think the one thing that stood out in your last statement to me tho, is that neither one of them had a sense of purpose... .AT ALL.  They both seemed to be floating thru life and were fortunate to find good jobs... .but denied their passion and purpose in order to keep the norm.

That used to frustrate me.  It seemed that all they were capable of, and all they wanted to was land a man with a lot of money.   Once I they felt I wasnt able to provide that for them, they were/are off to the next guy.



But yeah, red flags were waving the whole time.  Why I didnt walk away at the beginning, Ill never know.  The actions NEVER match the words with these people. 

Well, sex went from 2 to 3 times a week to two or three times a years.  Technically that is considered sexless.  I am here for my kids.  They are all nearly adults now and they are doing well.  I also hold out in the hopes that things turn around.

I do see where my wife is similar to wanting to be provided for.  She went sour on me when her bills caught up to my income.