World is falling apart, she has the flu

[itgirl]

Hi,

Things have been going really well but the last week I can see an episode is about to happen.  She has come down with the flu.  Now the world is falling apart.  

She is not happy with our:

• lifestyle
  
  
• diet



• training program



• house



• dogs



• relationship



• life

The above is what is making her sick.  

She is not totally dysregulated yet but I can see where this is going.  I can still use the SET techniques and it helped a little this morning.  

I'm keeping my mouth shut and just listening.  It's just so frustrating to please your partner and something like the flu can set them off.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Rapt Reader]

I'm so sorry that you see a dysregulation coming on, itgirl... .

I'm glad you are armed with the communication techniques; you just may be able to deflect what seems inevitable right now. One thing I do is make sure that my demeanor and facial expressions are loving and compassionate (while nodding my head and listening carefully) as I keep my mouth shut 

When done with love, understanding and compassion, being quiet sometimes can head things off at the pass. And remembering to not take the words personally; I know it's sometimes hard to do, but I tell myself that it's the "emotions" talking, not my spouse. Letting him vent (sorta like most of us do on this site!) can sometimes take the wind out of his sails if I don't react in a negative way to him. I know that won't always work, or I can't always step out of my head enough to do it, but it does seem to help. I hope you can weather this storm easily... .Let us know what happens, OK?

[ImWrecked]

She is not totally dysregulated yet but I can see where this is going.  I can still use the SET techniques and it helped a little this morning.  

I'm keeping my mouth shut and just listening.  It's just so frustrating to please your partner and something like the flu can set them off.  

So, this makes me wonder, because I (as most of us can) relate to what you are saying... ."you feel something coming" ... .I've been there many, many times... .so lately it has prompted me to ask myself... ."do I really want to live the rest of my life like that?"  Waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I know that with therapy (IF they agree they even have a problem) things can get BETTER, but don't you still ALWAYS have to use all these techniques to talk to your partner?  So, do I really want to have to put that much effort and thought into trying to communicate with someone that should be easy to talk to?  FOREVER?  I just can't quite get it in my head that it can get better-enough? 

I feel like I should be able to just randomly without thought tell my partner about how my day was, about my dreams, about something funny I heard without her thinking I'm cheating on her, or that it is stupid for me to feel a certain way or like a certain thing.  I should be able to watch a TV program without worrying something in it is going to remind her of how "bad" I am, and how bad our relationship is.  I should be able to play with my dog without her being jealous of the frickin' dog!   

I try to make sure my demeanor and facial expressions are loving and neutral, however, that does not work with my partner... .she then feels like I'm talking to her like a child.  So I've either not mastered this technique, or it just doesn't work... .

I don't know... .I'm still thinking... .and just thinking out loud right now... .all of this is why I'm undecided... .

I feel for you itgirl... .I really do... .

[Rapt Reader]

I try to make sure my demeanor and facial expressions are loving and neutral, however, that does not work with my partner... .she then feels like I'm talking to her like a child.  So I've either not mastered this technique, or it just doesn't work... .

I've found with my BPD son and my Husband that "neutral" doesn't actually work at all with either of them. Loving and compassionate and empathetic doesn't actually mean to be neutral; if he's hurting I will be concerned about that in my demeanor. If he's angry, I will up my expressions to match his anger in a way (if the anger isn't directed at me); if he's angry at me, I will be at attention and react with interest so he knows I "get" it.

Neutral for some reason just fuels their fires! I don't understand it, but my son (who is in Therapy and shares this stuff willingly) told me that if I look at him with a neutral expression when he's revved up, then he thinks I don't hear him or understand him. He needs me to have an emotion, and especially one that is similar to his. It makes sense to him, but I always thought I'd be the calm one who didn't react to things in any way at all. Who knew? 

[maxsterling]

Oh, I soo feel for you, because I have been there.  Doesn't matter what the ailment - flu, allergies, headache, or simply just being hungry, and the pwBPD tends to unleash on everything.  I'm sure we all do this to some extent, but mix in BPD and it's 10 times worse. 

But what I have found is even worse is when *you* get sick, and the pwBPD still has the same expectations of you, and blames you being sick for their bad mood.  Meanwhile, you feel awful, stuck in bed, and they are stomping around the house looking for something, bugging you every 15 minutes because they are hungry, or want to go to the store, etc.

[itgirl]

Thank you all for your validation.  Something I crave very much.

Just a little update:

Well Friday night I managed to flip my lid over something very stupid and very insignificant.  I believe it’s just a buildup of frustration.  We had a huge fight and she said she is thinking about separate living arrangements.  I calmed myself down (not JADE )and just started to really listen to her concerns and nod my head.  She was right about something that I had to work on which I said I will.  To my surprise she also admitted that I shouldn’t have to feel emotionally not supported and she will work on that.  We had a lovely weekend and things are back to normal for now.

Without the help and tools on this site I would never have defused the situation.   Sometimes when they say something we really should try our best not to take it too personally.  Sometimes I don’t think its even about me whatsoever. 

[takingandsending]

Yay itgirl!

Thanks for sharing your story. It gives hope to see people doing the work to help RD work.

Rapt Reader - when was your son diagnosed with BPD? I have an uBPDw and am concerned that my S9 has many behavioral traits of BPD? I find that he responds to SET. And it's easier for me not to be neutral to him but truly compassionate and empathic as you stated. Of course, I am not so good with my wife, and she (partially valid) rips me for not giving her what I give to him.

Thanks you two.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, takingandsending... .

My son (who is now 37) was diagnosed with ADD at age 20, and the BPD just last year. He, of course, had the ADD since he was little, but in those days there was no such thing as ADD, no help for it at all. It was the bullying and horrible treatment he suffered at the hands of his fellow classmates and teachers that (is believed) caused the BPD to emerge. If I had to pinpoint the emergence of the BPD, I'd say it started around puberty or very early teens. There's a possibility your son could be showing traits, since your wife has them, but generally a child won't be diagnosed with BPD till later on in their teens, if then.

And, yeah... .It is easier to validate our child rather than our spouse; I've always had this thought in my head that my Husband, being an older adult, should understand life and emotions better than a kid (though my son is grown now), so it's been way harder to learn how to deal with him using Validation and S.E.T. than it was with my son. I'm sure the emotional connection to my Husband also played a part. But, I've finally been able to see that BPD or BPD traits are what they are, and age has nothing to do with it and the ability to overcome them. That epiphany has made my relationship with my Husband way better!