How to rebuild my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is there any rational explanation?

i dont know if id call it entirely rational, but there may be an explanation through the lens of BPD, yes.

i think a lot of these relationships (seemingly) suddenly end during a perceived 'upswing' in the relationship - mine did. i believe the last time i saw my ex she told me shed fallen in love with me all over again. things seemed very good and id totally recommitted to the relationship.

unknown to us, our partners were experiencing the relationship very differently than we were. there was a lot under the surface of what seemed loving and peaceful.

ive joked a few times that pwBPD hate peace and quiet. it isnt true of course. what is true is that when things are good, a person with BPD is living in fear of the other shoe dropping. this causes acting out behaviors (baiting you for a conflict).

"this has to stop" was likely interpreted as abandonment. thats not your fault.

[once removed]

Is there any rational explanation?

i dont know if id call it entirely rational, but there may be an explanation through the lens of BPD, yes.

i think a lot of these relationships (seemingly) suddenly end during a perceived 'upswing' in the relationship - mine did. i believe the last time i saw my ex she told me shed fallen in love with me all over again. things seemed very good and id totally recommitted to the relationship.

unknown to us, our partners were experiencing the relationship very differently than we were. there was a lot under the surface of what seemed loving and peaceful.

ive joked a few times that pwBPD hate peace and quiet. it isnt true of course. what is true is that when things are good, a person with BPD is living in fear of the other shoe dropping. this causes acting out behaviors (baiting you for a conflict).

"this has to stop" was likely interpreted as abandonment. thats not your fault.

[WoundedBibi]

Or perhaps she knew she wouldn't feel as happy as she felt that evening forever. Afraid to ruin it with her mood swings. Knowing she would because she always has.

Or she was afraid for engulfment, to disappear into you.

Or as so someone with BPD described it on a BPDboard "I woke up next to him and I just felt too warm and all of a sudden I hated him". Their feelings can all of a sudden completely flip.

PwBPD are all different just like us NONs. You'll never know what exactly happened in her mind that made her wake up in a different mood. She most likely doesn't know herself.

There never is a rational answer for an irrational mental process that cannot be explained, I think.

[Fogclearing]

The only thing I meant by "This has to stop" was for us to stop arguing right there and then. But you are right. She probably saw it as abandonment.

I often asked her can't you just let good things be good, can't you just be content with with what we've got? And see a half full glass instead of a half empty one. She never answered. So I guess you are right about them leaving during a "good" period. It was like she couldn't stand it.

She was probably afraid of abandonment. But she also knew me. She knows I'm not a person that change my heart and mind easily. I am stable. I am a person you can trust. I'm not perfect but I don't ask for perfection either. There is no such thing as a 100% perfect partner or relationship. Yes, I clutter (HUGHE issue) but I have other advantages.

I wouldn't have abandoned her. The relationship I had before her lasted 15 years and ended by a tragic accident. I was with her several years 100% faithful also when it was long distance before she moved here. I am a catholic and she knows I viewed this the same way I would have viewed a marriage within the Church even though we could not get married in a catholic church because of our family constellation. She must have known she had nothing to fear. And at the same time it kind of made her despise me. I don't know why. I wasn't a total door mat. I have children and I had pretty clear boundaries when it came to certain things. I did not let her come between me and my kids and I kept on parenting the way I always did even if she was provoked by me "spending too much time with them" or "spoiling them" or "giving them too much attention". I simply said My kids, my way of raising and parenting them and if she wanted to sulk over that I let her. Maybe she saw that as abandonment too? She often said I didn't care enough about her and that I had no empathy when that happened.

[Fogclearing]

Or perhaps she knew she wouldn't feel as happy as she felt that evening forever. Afraid to ruin it with her mood swings. Knowing she would because she always has.

Or she was afraid for engulfment, to disappear into you.

Or as so someone with BPD described it on a BPDboard "I woke up next to him and I just felt too warm and all of a sudden I hated him". Their feelings can all of a sudden completely flip.

PwBPD are all different just like us NONs. You'll never know what exactly happened in her mind that made her wake up in a different mood. She most likely doesn't know herself.

There never is a rational answer for an irrational mental process that cannot be explained, I think.

This is what I am struggling to understand. That they are different. That she probably never saw this relationship the way I did. Not even in her most idealizing phase. Or particularly not in her most idealizing phase. It is very difficult to really understand and accept. Was it real? Did she love me? I did love her. I wish she would have understood that I did. I really really loved her and I would have stayed with her for life if we could have worked things out.

[GoingBack2OC]

Or perhaps she knew she wouldn't feel as happy as she felt that evening forever. Afraid to ruin it with her mood swings. Knowing she would because she always has.

Or she was afraid for engulfment, to disappear into you.

Or as so someone with BPD described it on a BPDboard "I woke up next to him and I just felt too warm and all of a sudden I hated him". Their feelings can all of a sudden completely flip.

PwBPD are all different just like us NONs. You'll never know what exactly happened in her mind that made her wake up in a different mood. She most likely doesn't know herself.

There never is a rational answer for an irrational mental process that cannot be explained, I think.

This is what I am struggling to understand. That they are different. That she probably never saw this relationship the way I did. Not even in her most idealizing phase. Or particularly not in her most idealizing phase. It is very difficult to really understand and accept. Was it real? Did she love me? I did love her. I wish she would have understood that I did. I really really loved her and I would have stayed with her for life if we could have worked things out.

The idealization phase works it's magic on both partners.

I'll ask this question:  Which did you love more:

Her.

Or the Idea of Her, of what you thought she could be, should be, and what you both would make from you both being your best to one another?

It's natural for anyone healthy to aspire, and to want the same for the person they love. I have never wanted my partners to fail, I want them to be fulfilled, happy, and live a great life. I will support them, be a shoulder to lean on when they need help, I'll help them up if they fall. I'll listen, encourage, not sugar coat when it shouldnt be sugar coated.

But they need to do the same.

I made a list, two columns... .all the things I actually loved and liked-- real actual qualities of my exGFuBPD on on side. And on the other... .all the things I had in many ways fictionalized in my mind. Things I knew "physically" she could do, but wouldn't. Simply because. An example of one of these things: Comfort me when I'm down. She could have. But she didnt. Why? I have no idea.

So comforting... .that was not on the other side- the real side.

Just a thought.

[Fogclearing]

Good one!

I loved her for the real, actual qualities that she did have. And I loved her for the vision I had of what we could have become together as a family.

And I desired her physically (still do aaaarrrgh) but I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before.

I'd better make that list, haha.

[once removed]

as an anonymous stranger i have no doubt you would not have abandoned her or what your intentions were. people with BPD swing wildly between the fears of abandonment and engulfment. these are severely heightened fears triggered by intimacy. a diagnostic criteria of BPD is frantic attempts to avoid abandonment - real or perceived. your actions are analyzed through that lens. im not exaggerating when i say that simply leaving a room may trigger the sense of abandonment. and it is "proof" of impending abandonment. for a person with BPD, feelings = fact. they must align whether rational or not. as a side note, if you had had a hypothetical conversation in which you insisted you would never abandon her, it might even be perceived as invalidating.

BPD is a serious mental illness. it has its roots in the earliest stages of development, to the point where we develop object constancy - where we see others as relatively consistent, flawed but loveable, and with a past and present context of our relationship with them. for a person with BPD, object constancy was not developed. in other words, you say she knew you, but her view of you was not stable, secure, or consistent. shades of grey dont compute. the idea that people can be flawed but loveable does not compute, past and present history are not taken into account. it is a black and white world. there is no frame of reference beyond fickle, fleeting, momentary, but overwhelming feelings.

there is nothing you could have done to change those things or prove to her that you would not abandon her. in that sense, it is not about you or your good and trustworthy character. it is the very sad reality of a serious mental illness. and the effects are devastating for everyone involved  .

I did not let her come between me and my kids and I kept on parenting the way I always did even if she was provoked by me "spending too much time with them" or "spoiling them" or "giving them too much attention". I simply said My kids, my way of raising and parenting them and if she wanted to sulk over that I let her. Maybe she saw that as abandonment too? She often said I didn't care enough about her and that I had no empathy when that happened.

attention to your children was likely seen as abandonment, but on the contrary, you set a good firm boundary and held to it. while people with BPD are notorious for "busting" boundaries, they are absolutely essential in the long term for both parties. i think its something for which you are to be commended.

[WoundedBibi]

Or perhaps she knew she wouldn't feel as happy as she felt that evening forever. Afraid to ruin it with her mood swings. Knowing she would because she always has.

Or she was afraid for engulfment, to disappear into you.

Or as so someone with BPD described it on a BPDboard "I woke up next to him and I just felt too warm and all of a sudden I hated him". Their feelings can all of a sudden completely flip.

PwBPD are all different just like us NONs. You'll never know what exactly happened in her mind that made her wake up in a different mood. She most likely doesn't know herself.

There never is a rational answer for an irrational mental process that cannot be explained, I think.

This is what I am struggling to understand. That they are different.

With different I meant there is no 'one size fits all' answer; alls pwBPD are different to each other.

Yes, they are also different than we are. They have BPD, most of us don't.

That she probably never saw this relationship the way I did. Not even in her most idealizing phase. Or particularly not in her most idealizing phase. It is very difficult to really understand and accept. Was it real? Did she love me? I did love her. I wish she would have understood that I did. I really really loved her and I would have stayed with her for life if we could have worked things out.

She did love you. But her concept of love is different than yours. When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE. You will end all of their pain. You are the solution to end all of their inner turmoil. (Until it turns out you're not)

On a core level pwBPD believe they are unloveable. So they can never truly understand they can be loved.

[Fogclearing]

Once removed:

Your last post was very clarifying. I really needed to hear that.

And I have to realize that this is a SERIOUS mental illness. Not just some quirks that can be fixed with a little couples counseling or ten sessions of CBT. I was on deep water here and i could not help her. I could not help her. And if I would take her back I still cannot help her and everything would just repeat itself.

Thank you. <3

[Fogclearing]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

[Fogclearing]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

[Fogclearing]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

And I voluntarily crawled into that barrel and went down the Niagara Falls. There's a reason they banned going down the actual falls in a barrel. You hurt yourself when your barrel crashes on the cliffs at the bottom. Lesson learned I guess.

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

And I voluntarily crawled into that barrel and went down the Niagara Falls. There's a reason they banned going down the actual falls in a barrel. You hurt yourself when your barrel crashes on the cliffs at the bottom. Lesson learned I guess.

adult love is a flowing creek

[Fogclearing]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

And I voluntarily crawled into that barrel and went down the Niagara Falls. There's a reason they banned going down the actual falls in a barrel. You hurt yourself when your barrel crashes on the cliffs at the bottom. Lesson learned I guess.

adult love is a flowing creek

Yes. Thank God for flowing creeks.

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

And I voluntarily crawled into that barrel and went down the Niagara Falls. There's a reason they banned going down the actual falls in a barrel. You hurt yourself when your barrel crashes on the cliffs at the bottom. Lesson learned I guess.

adult love is a flowing creek

Yes. Thank God for flowing creeks.

I will when I find mine 

[GoingBack2OC]

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

Yep I was told the same thing, countless times.

I know I just recently tagged this elsewhere... .but if you want to see literally a 3 minute visual depiction of a couple, falling in love... .with the idealization phase so clear as day... .and how it fades... .over time... .Take a look at the film I made of my story.  These are photos of us. Look at HER eyes... .The photos - are chronologically in correct order.

I kept it that way. Look at her eyes. Was she high in the begining... .did it fade... .Did I fade and become sad, and the last photo, what happens?

It scares me to watch myself.

The link is here in the first post in this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289002.0

Its about 3 minutes in length. Its in her eyes. Clear as day. I just didnt see it- at all.

[Fogclearing]

GoingBack20C: Thank you for posting the video.

Yes, it is in their eyes. People do fall in love but they fall CRAZY in love and you can see it in their eyes. Flattering but also a bit creepy. Then the opposite. I could see it in her eyes too. Especially that last morning. It scared me to wake up and look into her eyes and they were changed. All black. Like hatred. I couldn't reach her. She had cut me off. I feel for you, man. You look like such a nice guy.

[Fogclearing]

Speaking about sexuality - I feel a little fooled.

I guess you guys are right when you say they use the sexual Niagara Falls thing (even if it is subconsciously) to cover up the fact that there will be no deepening.

I don't open up sexually to people very easily. I never had many partners. I guess you could call me inexperienced (even though this was absolutely not my first relationship in life - all in all I've had three since the age of 18: all long term, all faithful (at least from my part) and nothing in between these relationships) and naive. I thought what we shared was special. Intimate. But maybe she didn't see it that way. At least it might not have had the same profound meaning to her that I thought it had. It did for me.

[WoundedBibi]

Speaking about sexuality - I feel a little fooled.

I guess you guys are right when you say they use the sexual Niagara Falls thing (even if it is subconsciously) to cover up the fact that there will be no deepening.

I don't open up sexually to people very easily. I never had many partners. I guess you could call me inexperienced (even though this was absolutely not my first relationship in life - all in all I've had three since the age of 18: all long term, all faithful (at least from my part) and nothing in between these relationships) and naive. I thought what we shared was special. Intimate. But maybe she didn't see it that way. At least it might not have had the same profound meaning to her that I thought it had. It did for me.

Most probably it didn't.

Most pwBPD use sex as they have learned it distracts their partners from deeper issues.

Most pwBPD have had a lot of sexual partners as besides relationships they use casual sex to fill their emotional void.

But actually most pwBPD don't enjoy sex. They are good at it because they don't feel a lot so they can focus on what you seem to be feeling. Most of them describe it as a chore, a hassle, going through the motions or masturbating with a person.

[Fogclearing]

Speaking about sexuality - I feel a little fooled.

I guess you guys are right when you say they use the sexual Niagara Falls thing (even if it is subconsciously) to cover up the fact that there will be no deepening.

I don't open up sexually to people very easily. I never had many partners. I guess you could call me inexperienced (even though this was absolutely not my first relationship in life - all in all I've had three since the age of 18: all long term, all faithful (at least from my part) and nothing in between these relationships) and naive. I thought what we shared was special. Intimate. But maybe she didn't see it that way. At least it might not have had the same profound meaning to her that I thought it had. It did for me.

Most probably it didn't.

Most pwBPD use sex as they have learned it distracts their partners from deeper issues.

Most pwBPD have had a lot of sexual partners as besides relationships they use casual sex to fill their emotional void.

But actually most pwBPD don't enjoy sex. They are good at it because they don't feel a lot so they can focus on what you seem to be feeling. Most of them describe it as a chore, a hassle, going through the motions or masturbating with a person.

So sad. But also necessary for me to understand to be able to move on.

[GoingBack2OC]

I genuinely believe my ex viewed sex as a chore-- (commenting on WoundedBibi's post); but with an allowance. Like a child.

I was, needless to say very attracted physically to my ex (and all my exes). But this past one was the first ex I had that actually wanted sex "less" than me. Most girls I've been with (not that many), they wanted sex more than I did. I worked a lot, was tired. I enjoy sex, but they just seemed to want it more frequently than me.

My exGFuBPD, looking back I think sex was in many ways a "I scratch your back you do what I want" type of situation. A means of currency.

When she stayed with me for a while, after some time, and not paying rent, I brought up the subject- which became a major point of contention moving forward. I own my home, her argument being why would I pay for something that you own. Of course she couldnt comprehend there are utilities, weekly maidcleaning, maintenance, wear and tear, fixing things, so on. And the rent number I proposed was incredibly fair (she ended up in anger finding a place costing 3x what I offered) - and she is now broke, lost her job, and in a bad place.

Anyways... .she literally said to me, women shouldnt have to pay rent. We pay in other ways.

I looked at her, and said, that sounds like a prostitute. You live here, we share at least some of the costs of living. Period. (I made a lot, like 4-5x more than her, so I understand she couldnt split 50/50).

She didnt know what to say. So she moved out, into a really nice place, which ate up 40% of her salary per month, and is now broke. Sigh.

[Fogclearing]

I had ethical concerns around this but I finally decided to contact one of her exes. The ex was not surprised to hear from me and did not mind.

We compared notes. Oooh boy! Same story. To the letter almost. (theirs was more than ten years ago)

It's sad but at the same time very clarifying.

We were both called "The ONE", "the love of my life". She went from the sweetest person to abusive and very "twilight zone" with both of us after moving in together. I was not unique. This was not about me. I am not to blame. And there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make this better.

[WoundedBibi]

I had ethical concerns around this but I finally decided to contact one of her exes. The ex was not surprised to hear from me and did not mind.

We compared notes. Oooh boy! Same story. To the letter almost. (theirs was more than ten years ago)

It's sad but at the same time very clarifying.

We were both called "The ONE", "the love of my life". She went from the sweetest person to abusive and very "twilight zone" with both of us after moving in together. I was not unique. This was not about me. I am not to blame. And there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make this better.

I understand the ethical concerns. A bold move.

It has definitely brought you a lot of insight into the situation. And some very painful realizations...

[Turkish]

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