What are we doing to better ourselves/our lives after the failed relationship?

[itgetsbetter94]

What steps are you taking? What do you do for yourself in order to heal? How are you helping yourself?

Something I've done for myself... .
-started therapy
-joined this forum
-watched countless yt videos about PDs and healing
-renewed my entire wardrobe, redecorated my apartment, threw out a lot of unnecessary things, bought new make up and hair extensions (hey, it helps, don't judge! :D)
-started seeing my friends more
-started journaling
-work hard on my studies and decided to finish it
-decided to self protect myself (not to look at his fb, go strict NC, not to do things out of curiosity/desperation/whatever that could potentially hurt me in any way)
-reconnected with my family
-rebuilt my self respect and sense of self preservation


Your turn

[MeandThee29]

My list is similar:

Therapy
More workouts at the gym
Getting together with a friend at least once a week
Pursuing a hobby
Looking for full-time work
Working a little bit daily to clean out the house

I would say that I'm even and happy six out of seven days a week now. I usually have one tough day a week where I'm emotionally off, but I'm getting better.

[byfaith]

My divorce was final on Nov 3. Free at last!

I had started before the divorce was final but here is mine

• spend a lot more time with my kids (grown)
• reconnect with friends
• started taking a martial arts class
• have been going to gym since February but did not stop. Just had a physical and I am in decent shape.
• Just living my life... .without having that constricted feeling of someone ready to devour me for every perceived misstep and trying to make me feel like crap. I know I had control over my feelings but being away from it feels awesome!
• I am actually seeing someone (healthy relationship... .one of communication and normal behavior)
• made a list of items to accomplish. getting those done

I just feel better mentally, emotionally and spiritually

oh yeah, another thing this may sound ridiculous but I turned my ringer back on on my phone. I am with people who do not get suspicious when my phone rings or I get a text message. I don't get interrogated.

[heartandwhole]

Hi itgetsbetter94,

Great topic! How have you been feeling since you’ve been taking care of yourself?

My list:

• Gave myself time to grieve
• No contact for quite awhile
• Therapy
• Yoga, meditation
• Went back to school
• Participated on this site

Eventually I left my job, moved countries , and started another life chapter. I’m still learning and growing.  

heartandwhole

[itgetsbetter94]

Heartandwhole, the most honest answer on question how I feel after doing those things would be... .I had to do them, I have to keep moving forward, there is really no alternative. This is something that had to be done. Either hard work (on myself) or depression, despair and misery (which I still feel in some extent, but less and less). I really need to keep moving, changing myself for the better, transforming myself in order to preserve sanity and sometimes feel some hope. I'm nowhere near my destination yet, but I'm taking all the necessary steps to get there. Now I'm still in some limbo, but thankfully not in hell like I used to be.
I have to believe I have a bright future ahead of me and that something beautiful is waiting around the corner, and that all this pain and suffering would be worth something or someone in the end.

[heartandwhole]

I have to believe I have a bright future ahead of me and that something beautiful is waiting around the corner, and that all this pain and suffering would be worth something or someone in the end.

I think that's a great attitude. It was a tough road for me, too. I found that challenging myself to embark in new directions helped, but I didn't start that right away... .I needed time to feel and grieve.

[babyducks]

Hi itgetsbetter94,

I think heartandwhole raises a very good point here.

I needed time to feel and grieve.

I grieved the end of my relationship like nothing I have ever grieved before.    I've lost people, had relationships end,  experienced my fair share of tragedy in my life but I have never grieved like I did after my relationship ended.    It was a whole different thing.

because in my head I associate grief as a negative emotion, I tend to stuff it.   push it away.   or judge myself for grieving, 'you should be over that by now'.

what I learned was that grieving is healing.   maybe it's the way the pain comes up and out and becomes something else.

and I learned that the grief of this relationship opened up the grief of older core wounds.   which in the long run turned out to be a plus.    I am becoming a more complete person,  a more whole person, by accepting this hurt and then turning it into motivation.

Oh and I am training for a 5k.    I think it might kill me.   

'ducks

[Wolfsocks]

That's a great idea, itgetsbetter! Thanks for another inspirational post!

What I did so far:

- I researched must-haves for highly sensitive people and bought a sleeping mask
- I registered at a dating agency and made a new friend (they also hook up people looking for friends)
- I reconnected with friends and family members
- I started to read and write creatively again
- I started growing sprouts on my window sill again
- I allowed myself to connect with another person in a romantic way again
- I drabbled in a drawing book for adults

What I plan to do:

- find a therapist
- have a great festive season
- renew my wardrobe
- get new glasses
- learn more about investing
- find/apply for a new job
- go to a spa in January/February
- start exercising again
- do meditation again

There is more I plan to do in the long run but I don't want to go overboard right now

[flourdust]

I've been separated for almost two years. The divorce passed a major milestone last month when we agreed to a parenting plan. The financial issues still need to be resolved, but that's less urgent to me.

Things that I have done... .

• I went to a therapist for two years.
• I've done some redecorating, including replacing all the bedding on the marital bed.
• New hobbies and some new friends.
• Spending quality time with D12 - seeking out fun and new activities that we can do together.
• Make a conscious effort to get together with friends on a regular basis. As an introvert, it's easy for me to turn into a hermit otherwise.
• Started exercising, trying to eat healthier (this has been a mixed success).
• Joined a dating site but didn't have enough interest to do anything about it. Not yet.
  

[iluminati]

- Living my life was definitely a huge one.
- Developing hobbies and new friends
- Rekindling old friendships
- Working out
- Being on this board and going through therapy

It's been 4 years, but it feels like a lifetime ago.  I was so stressed when I was married, but now I'm free.

[g2outfitter]

I did a lot of things... .visited a therapist, worked out more, joined a dating site - lots of the usual things.

Nothing helped me as much as focusing on my relationship with God. I came to realize if I had put as much energy and effort into that relationship, as I did with the relationship I had with my exBPD,  I would have walked away much earlier. Nothing in this world is constant... .God's love is, and always will be. I highly recommend this technique to everyone.

My deepest sympathies to all who are affected by this horrible didorder.

[itgetsbetter94]

I did a lot of things... .visited a therapist, worked out more, joined a dating site - lots of the usual things.

Nothing helped me as much as focusing on my relationship with God. I came to realize if I had put as much energy and effort into that relationship, as I did with the relationship I had with my exBPD,  I would have walked away much earlier. Nothing in this world is constant... .God's love is, and always will be. I highly recommend this technique to everyone.

My deepest sympathies to all who are affected by this horrible didorder.

I have mixed feelings about my relationship with God (although I'm coincidentally holding a little necklace with a cross in my hands as I type this... .)
I thought God put my BPD ex on my path. All signs were there. My ex was very religious person. He said he was praying for 12 days to St. Judas, saint for the lost causes, when he was depressed, and met me on the 13th day. I was also praying to God prior to do what He thinks it's best for me. My ex had a little medallion of vigrin Mary around his neck and bough me one. On the last day of our engagement course, I found the very same medallion (of mother Mary) on the balcony where we were sitting and talking. It must have fell from the neighbors above on my balcony. We both thought this was another sign. I was so very much convinced that God blessed our relationship, that He brought him to me, that our r/s is indeed divine and under protection of higher power. I had a few similar "signs" that this was God's intervention. It may sound silly, but I really thought it was.
So, after the r/s ended, I'm left confused and bitter with God. I feel like he played with me. I don't understand what He was trying to teach me. I want to have faith again and believe that God is on my side, but I feel I cannot trust him any more.

[g2outfitter]

... .I want to have faith again and believe that God is on my side, but I feel I cannot trust him any more.

I completely understand. I bet I told God a hundred times how mad I was at Him for putting my exBPDgf in my path.  I'm sure His response was... ."I know, but the reason for it will become clear ome day". It's been almost 2 years since she first left, 9 months since she left the second time and although I still have some work to do things are becoming so much clearer. We live in a very broken world (because God gives humans freedom of choice) and God never promised that life would be fair and that our happiness would always be guaranteed. But if you keep your faith He will always bring good from bad. It just won't always be on our preferred timetable. God wants good in your life and He does feel your pain but sometimes we have to feel that pain to mature. I know I did. Sometimes what we think are signs from God really aren't, they're based on human feelings. Looking back on my relationship, I could say every single red flag was a sign from God that I chose to ignore because I wanted to do it my way, not His. Your faith will wane, that's to be expected but during the hardest times, God wants you to run to Him, not from Him.

Keep your faith and in time the reason for these dark times will become clear. God always keeps His promises if you keep your faith in Him.

[g2outfitter]

Igb94... .for 2 years I was convinced my exBPDgf was my gift from God. I told her that many times.

Then I thought she came straight from the bowels of hell.

For the first time in a while, I'm starting to realize she really may have been my gift sent from Heaven. Just not in the sense I originally thought.

Keep your faith.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you for your answer.
Both my ex and I thought that God put us in each others way. We talked extensively about that, and were sure this was His will for us to meet.

But, the day after I found the holy medallion, and the day after our last day of engagement course, he displayed full blast of his disorder, for the first time. It was so sudden and so severe that many secrets unexpectedly came to surface (from talking with this family, best friend and ex girlfriend). I was so desperate that I called crises line at 2 or 3 a.m. and stayed on the phone for hours.  The person who picked up the phone and talked to me mentioned it was probably BPD. From there my search started. ... And I decided to go full NC, even though I still loved him like noone before and believed he was my soulmate... .

I feel more than anything that what's happening to me now is my own karma for bad things in the few years. Like a carmic circle coming to end.

I want to believe God hasn't abandoned me, even though it sometimes feels like that. I want a fresh start with God on my side.

[g2outfitter]

Yes, we all feel abondonded by God at times but that is NEVER the case. God is always on your side, always.

Don't beat yourself up... .you are not experiencing karma. You are experiencing life. The same life we all experience at some point. God did put each of you on the same path but for a reason that isn't clear to you, for now.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank You. I needed to read that today.

[Lost-love-mind]

Thank you for your answer.
Both my ex and I thought that God put us in each others way. We talked extensively about that, and were sure this was His will for us to meet.

But, the day after I found the holy medallion, and the day after our last day of engagement course, he displayed full blast of his disorder, for the first time. It was so sudden and so severe that many secrets unexpectedly came to surface (from talking with this family, best friend and ex girlfriend). I was so desperate that I called crises line at 2 or 3 a.m. and stayed on the phone for hours.  The person who picked up the phone and talked to me mentioned it was probably BPD. From there my search started. ... And I decided to go full NC, even though I still loved him like noone before and believed he was my soulmate... .

I feel more than anything that what's happening to me now is my own karma for bad things in the few years. Like a carmic circle coming to end.

I want to believe God hasn't abandoned me, even though it sometimes feels like that. I want a fresh start with God on my side.

I felt the same way. God has left me alone, again. Not true.
It was the start of a renewed sense of God and the wonders of spirituality.
One of the best nonreligious movies of Christianity is "The Shack" . Breaks down all the formal religious stereotypes of God and the trinity. JC is a friend and always will be. Be prepared to cry but the fear of God abandonment will become clearly false.
I pray for all of us that have discovered the abyss after a BPD r/s.

[vanx]

Great, positive post, itgetsbetter94. I haven't really taken the time to reflect on this myself actually, so I will here--thanks to you!

-started running regularly
-got more disciplined about meditation
-making more of an effort to participate in coversations with people, and to be more assertive about my needs
-started signing up for all sorts of classes
-overall, I love and accept myself more, and feel more confident about future relationships

[byfaith]

Both my ex and I thought that God put us in each others way. We talked extensively about that, and were sure this was His will for us to meet.

That is exactly what my ex and I thought... .I still think that it was His will. He let it happen because I needed to learn something. Boy! did I learn something. I have some understanding and wisdom to take with me on the rest of life's journey. I can share what I have learned with others that may be in need of help.

If anyone is familiar or even believes the biblical account of Joseph how his brothers sold him into slavery and then in the end Joseph was a ruler in Egypt, not going to go into the story. Joseph told his brothers that what they did to him they meant it for evil but God meant it for good.

Just my thoughts

BF

[itgetsbetter94]

My therapist says similar things, only from professional standpoint... ."everything happens for a reason", "this was a lesson in the school of life" and "value your experience, now that you've been through it, you'd be able to recognize it and help someone who is maybe in that kind of relationship".

This is not my first low point in life- I had many of them, as did everybody else. From each of these low points, I eventually raised stronger and wiser. The greater the pain was, the sweeter were the fruits of the new chapter in life.

[g2outfitter]

If anyone is familiar or even believes the biblical account of Joseph how his brothers sold him into slavery and then in the end Joseph was a ruler in Egypt, not going to go into the story. Joseph told his brothers that what they did to him they meant it for evil but God meant it for good.

Just my thoughts

BF

Exactly. Amen!

[Tormenta]

My two cents:

FIRST PHASE: When I hated the world, I was forcing myself to do this stuff and I cried constantly:

• I bought a simple bike and cycled around the park.
• Therapy.
• Mindfullness.
• Drived to visit my parents to the small town.
• Finished my studies, finally.
• Travelled alone and with friends.
• Read a lot of fictional books.
• Played videogames.
• I let myself eat what I wanted and let myself gain weight.

Everything hurt so much.

2ND PHASE: When the pain stopped (I didnt even know when and how it happened).

• Noticed how much I hated myself, recognized all the BPD traits in myself but they were almost hidden because of a program I followed many years ago to treat my anger.
• More therapy until I understood my pain.
• Mindfullness.
• ASMR videos.
• I moved to another country for a better job.
• Travelled with friends and had a lot of fun.
• In general, made a regular life: hiking, studying, books, videogames, tv shows, brunches, social life... .dating but it didnt work out, woorked a lot and a lot of things.

[itgetsbetter94]

Tormenta, I'll use some of your tips
I also let myself to eat what I want when I want, but "fortunatelly" I'm under so much stress that I'm actually losing weight. I wish it wasn't winter now, I would do more cycling and walking outside. I'm kind of scared of this winter. This will be my first winter and holidays alone in 5 years. Lack of sunshine affects my mood even on normal circumstances, but after the hell I endured, I'm afraid that the lonely cold winter will crush me even more. I'm also trying to meet people online, but just as a friend. I'm nowhere near close to dating right now. I hope I'll meet new friendly people.


 

[Wolfsocks]

This will be my first winter and holidays alone in 5 years. Lack of sunshine affects my mood even on normal circumstances, but after the hell I endured, I'm afraid that the lonely cold winter will crush me even more. I'm also trying to meet people online, but just as a friend. I'm nowhere near close to dating right now. I hope I'll meet new friendly people.

I also suffer from SAD (season affective disorder) and I actually think that my depression last winter was one of the reasons why I married my pwBPD. Those long months were so lonely, cold and dark... .I needed some hope to cling to - a reason for my family to visit me. A very unwise choice in retrospect but it has made me very determined to fight my depression this winter and never enter such a state of mind again. I use a daylight lamp for 30 minutes every morning and I try to talk a walk that also lasts 30 minutes every day. And I registered on a platform for highly sensitive and vegetarian people to find new friends.

[itgetsbetter94]

Wolfsocks, I should also force myself to go on a daily walks to soak as much sun as I can. I feel like a vampire these days. Not so long ago, my skin was peeling from the sunburns and I had a nice tan, now it's just a distant memory. I'm pale as ever, with purple circles around my red from crying eyes. At least my exterior matches my interior.  :-/

[Wolfsocks]

I'm pale as ever, with purple circles around my red from crying eyes. At least my exterior matches my interior.  :-/

I am so sorry you are struggling itgetsbetter... .Have you checked your Vitamin D levels? Sometimes taking a supplement can help with winter depression. I am glad you have a therapist to support you. Thanks to your encouragment I am looking for one right now as well.

Also I wanted to add another point to my list:

- Yesterday I ordered two new pairs of glasses for two reasons: 1) I want to create a new look. The old me looked so old, haggard and drained.  2) My vision has changed (both physically and metaphorically) and I want to see as clear as possible from now on for the rest of my life.

[itgetsbetter94]

I'm taking vitamins from time to time. Do you know what is a good source of vitamin D, except from the sun? Can it be find in some food?

I'm also getting a new glasses and I'm fairly excited about that. Hadn't have a new pair since 2007 or 08 I believe. I'm also looking forward to creating a new look for myself.

I'm socializing more. Pushing myself to make and stick with the arrangements. It's easy for me to become a hermit and isolate myself, but not the healthiest option.

I became extremely sceptical and cautious about meeting new people, men especially.  There is a dating section on a forum where I'm a member and every man that catches my eye has a history of mental illness.  (Can be find in their older posts). I never thought about those things in particular nor had any prejudices abut mentally sick people. I knew from the start my ex had a history of depression, was in hospital for a long time and was taking an insane amount of medication for such a young and successful man, and that was never an issue/problem/red flag for me. But after this experience, I became extremely cautious and, as harsh as it sounds, I started to break communication as soon as I found out someone has a history of mental illness. I cannot cope with that right now.  I don't want to cope with that ever again, to be 100% honest.  I always took mental sanity of my "suitors" for granted and never gave it a much though.  After recent experience, I'm finding out that actually many people have mental health problems, more than I ever though before.

[happendtome]

Fish has vitamin D, milk, cheese etc too.  Im taking myself these products.

What comes to this that everyone seems to have some sort of mental problems nowadays then i think you are right, itgetsbetter94. But there are different levels and we should put our focus on those who doesnt harm others.

If someone warns you then theres a reason and if you dont want to believe what they say... .then believe it or not... .not paying attention is also a sign of disorder. Its a sign of narcissism - i know better than you etc.

Other thing is that you shouldnt really think about dating at the moment at all. Give yourself time. You will learn so much about yourself if you would just give yourself time and solitude. Youll get stronger once you are facing your own fears. Dont run and escape.

[so_overit]

I knew from the start my ex had a history of depression, was in hospital for a long time and was taking an insane amount of medication for such a young and successful man, and that was never an issue/problem/red flag for me. But after this experience, I became extremely cautious and, as harsh as it sounds, I started to break communication as soon as I found out someone has a history of mental illness. I cannot cope with that right now.  I don't want to cope with that ever again, to be 100% honest.  I always took mental sanity of my "suitors" for granted and never gave it a much though.  After recent experience, I'm finding out that actually many people have mental health problems, more than I ever though before.

I could have written a lot of this paragraph! My BPD husband (STBX) admitted to depression in our 6th month of marriage. He was moody and sad, but I kind of liked that, like he showed real emotions. But I did not know how much he was hiding. After having kids his depression turned to rage, then to totally manic episodes. I was so confused. In hindsight, I was given many red flags that I chose to ignore (conscious or not). I agree about not being able to cope with someone having mental issues. I am very, very gun shy. I think of how long it took to see the real him, and how I can't imagine investing that much time again to find out dark secrets so far into a relationship.

He told me once, that when we were dating, he peeked in my med cabinet in the bathroom to look for psychotropics. I was taken aback, why would you be looking for that? He was sure I was secretly sad too.