Splitting and beating the abandonment feeling

[Zoaron]

Just thought I would share my current story about what's happening with my BPDgf and I. We had quite the week slong with the amazing weekend.

First, i want to express how proud i am of her because earlier this week, she was having a very emotionally and she ended up splitting on me. At which point I used the SET to help and bring her back, and worked like charm but before it, she was blasting me for a bunch of stuff they her and I have talked about countless times. She was in the middle of typing a nasty text to me when she got my message.  And when I received her message you can see exactly where she was trying to get through it.  Cause in the middle of the ranting she suddenly said that she was splitting and not to take what she says personally and was sorry. She came back in a middle of the crisis and knew what was happening.  I'm so proud of her that she's able night.

And the last night we were talking about BPD. And I confessed something to her. Though she had sternly asked me not to learn about her BPD and that it was a violation of her privacy but she was in the middle of the crisis during all of this. Despite her telling me not to do it.  I did it anyways. I read books, videos, support  groups even. I told her last night what was doing, and she started to cry and said something I'd never thought  she'd say. "You're really not going!"  Just for the fact that with that one lathing I She is so grateful and I love her always.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

This sounds like a hopeful development 

[Tattered Heart]

Can you share how you used SET to bring her back from splitting? I'd like to see how this worked for you because I'm not very good at SET or with being split.

[Kelbel]

This sounds really positive. Like Tattered Heart, I would really appreciate hearing how you used SET here. I am just starting to read about SET and it would be great to hear an account of how it has been used in practice with a positive result. Just entering week 8 of separate bedrooms and silence and want to learn ways to avoid getting to this point next time.

[Zoaron]

Here's what I said, and I edited it to leave out some details of what the topic was about.

{Support} I care for you, so much.  {Empthasize}And I know you're feeling emotional by everything. {Truth}And the truth is, yes, I can't imagine what it's like because i haven't experienced *topic at the time*. I'm just trying to be supportive as best as I can during this difficult time.

I sent her that message while she was in the middle of typing another message herself, and when she read it, you can literally see in the middle of that message she sent how things turned around.

The big thing for me when I told her that I was doing this research behind her back when she told me not to, was her sudden realization that I gave a damn about her. I've heard her many times suggest that I'll leave her somehow for some reason.  But after I told her about my dedication by researching BPD, she said those words I thought I'd never hear from her. "You really aren't going anywhere... ." she even said I was really in this for the long haul, but I'm in it for longer than that. I'm in it for forever.  and she now knows that, despite the abandonment feelings she's lived with for years.

[5xFive]

Great job!

I struggle with SET. I'm not sure if I'm doing it wrong or at the wrong time, but most of the time when I try it, my pwBPD splits farther.

I love hearing success stories! Thank you for sharing!

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks Zoaron. That helps me see how SET works a little better. Glad you had a positive experience with it. You're also brave by telling your pwBPD that you are learning about BPD. My H would think I was treating him like a patient

[Jessica84]

SET is a tool that can be used to turn down the heat. When a person feels heard, understood, validated, it can help calm down the emotions inside. For SET to work, YOU have to be calm inside yourself. If you are triggered or taking it personally, it will not work. SET should be used even during peaceful times. This gives you consistent practice so you are in the habit of validating - you will be more prepared for when the heat turns up.

Understand that sometimes, SET will have no effect. Waiting too long to validate, or guessing and validating the wrong emotions, getting triggered yourself, or any other variety of reasons. Sometimes, they don't know WHY they are upset, they just need a convenient target - you. At that point, boundaries become more important than validation. Removing yourself from the argument is the best course. Save SET for another time, when things have calmed down. Then practice, practice, practice until it becomes second nature.

[Zoaron]

That is so true Jessica.  It's hard to find the right moment or the right emotion to validate. Sometimes it's hit or miss. But the practice can really pay off. I find trying to validate the emotions without giving the support and the truth doesn't work like I've read other things to do.  But meshing them together in one breath like I did really works for me.

[Jessica84]

Sounds like you are on the right path! 

I find that staying calm is the key. I have had many poorly worded, foot-in-mouth attempts at SET that didn't completely backfire as long as I stayed calm. Not faking calm, or just sitting there quietly brewing on the inside, but actually feeling calm and unaffected. Hard to do when you're under attack! But if I can depersonalize and ignore the ugly words, I can diffuse the bomb - even when I accidentally raise the temperature, being calm on the inside helps me recover quickly and the "right" words come out in the nick of time. Finding my inner peace in tough moments, when I can achieve it, is the most effective.

I have also sometimes skipped the T in SET, when the truth isn't pleasant and he's not ready to hear it. S-E-S-E, and when the moment is right, T.

[Zoaron]

I can see that too.  I guess in a sense what I did above could be considered, SETS.   But, definitely keeping cool and controlling your own emotions is a big factor.  And I can attest to the difficulty in that because I'm the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I'm a very emotional person, especially towards the ones I love.  But, if you truly love that person, then you can learn to control those emotions so you can give the one you love the support they need.