You've heard it all before

[mosaicbird]

Hello!   Nothing unique about my situation or why I'm here. I was raised by a mother with BPD, and my first relationship right out of the gate as an adult was with someone with BPD... .  that went on for over a decade in a push-pull fashion, until, finally, I was lied to and emotionally eviscerated. Same cycle of idealization and infatuation, once every year, followed by an ever increasingly rapid descent into anger, blame, and hatred. This last time  - about a month ago - was the worst, the most final, and the one that has brought me to doubt the truth of nearly my entire emotional life as an adult.

On the positive side, if you can call it that, it has forced me to realize that I need to stop avoiding the issues that caused me to be so drawn to her over and over again, that contributed to the inescapable addiction, and to work on things that I have buried and and attempted to sever from myself over the years.

[livednlearned]

Hi mosaicbird



I like your avatar name, btw  Glad you found the site -- you have so much wisdom, to be able to see what lies ahead, and to recognize it as something positive. There are so many members here who can identify with what you wrote about -- especially having a BPD parent, and then becoming involved with a pwBPD as your significant other. Happened to me too 

How are you doing right now? Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you and your ex are not in contact right now. How is that going?

[mosaicbird]

No, no therapy currently. I was going a few years ago for other issues (ADHD, anxiety), but when my therapist tried to delve into FOO issues, I bailed and switched to a CBT therapist, which was completely unhelpful, since a) I won't let myself be helped, and b) wasn't what I needed. I wasn't ready at that point to really do any self work... .  felt I was fine where I was, being the person I was. I also think I need to find a therapist with a certain temperament... .  so many of them are women my mother's age, and if there's any hint of "her", I can't open up and default to my cerebral, distant self... .  I get triggered right into being my defensive shell.

My ex and I are not in contact anymore (though I've sent her a few angry messages throwing some of the stuff she said to me back in her face). We go no contact every time we have a break, but, as I said, I think this is the final one. We had that whole soulmate/meant to be/the one/fated/spiritual bond crap going on for years, and this time she repudiated the entire thing and made it all meaningless. In all fairness, I did the same thing to her when we broke up 10 years ago (we went on to each become involved in LTRs with someone else... her relationship ended recently, and we were doing the 'we promised we'd try again if we were ever both available' thing... I am still in my relationship, but it's a semi-open one. Despite those relationships, we remained intensely emotionally involved with each other over the years.) It was very messy, very nasty, and I'm honestly not sure who betrayed whom this time.

It has been an unhealthy, mutually hurtful relationship in its entirety, on both sides, and in retrospect, for all her faults and abuses, I fear that I was the most harmful over all, through my blindness, unwillingness to listen to anyone else, and projection. She triggered all the stuff that I've buried... .  all the worst of me. Deep down, we were very similar, and that's not a fun revelation.