First post

[seatosky]

I've never joined a support group before. I also have only let one person know about my situation, a counselor, who suggested I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, which was extremely enlightening and how I came upon this BPD community. I don't feel comfortable letting friends know about my situation to protect my husband and my kids so thought I would start here.

In a nutshell, I don't even know where to begin but I do know that I have so much resentment and hate built up inside from 20 years of being made to feel like I'm a problem that I am having a hard time getting past this. It doesn't feel good and I worry about my kids growing up in this environment.

Any tips on next steps would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Back in the day..I too learned about all of this from a counselor.  She "saw my wife in action" so I asked her what I was dealing with.  She handed me SWOE and I couldn't believe other people had the same life I did.

Anyway...anger and resentment is completely understandable.  I'm not so sure I would be in a rush to move past them.  They are your feelings and completely valid.  My hope is they motivate you to get yourself to a better place.

Have you read the entire book yet (SWOE)?

Before I give you any advice about next steps, I'm curious about what you think you should do next?  Anything jump out at you after reading the book?

Did the counselor advise anything?

Please understand we "get it"...we can help you understand all this. 

Best,

FF

[Latrodge]

Hi seatosky.  Welcome!
I was wondering, how long into your 20 years with your H did you speak to the counselor and find out about BPD?  It took me over 20 years of living in confusion with my BPDw before I ever even heard of it.  I kept thinking I lived in a unique situation, and like you kept assuming I was the problem and could somehow make it better if I was just more attentive, sensitive, etc.  It' s a huge burden we place on ourselves.  I also was hoping it was something that she would outgrow if I just spoke logic to her during and after her rages.  But those conversations became repetitive, and circular, and over time I realized she simply didn't have any capacity for introspection. You mention you don't want to talk to friends about it. Has your H's behavior impacted other relationships, like friends or family of origin (FOO), both yours and his?  I believed for a long time that W's rages and devaluation were fairly contained within our home, but once I began speaking to others about BPD, I found that many of her other relationships were also impaired and that a lot of conflict had been going on for years which I didn't know about - or chose to ignore or excuse. There was a lot of triangulation going on!   You may find out a lot, and get some support, if you are open with people.  Just a thought...  Also, how old are your children?