Question for anyone/everyone...

[LoveLove]

How did you all notice that your SO has BPD? What were the signs?

I have read it may show up later in life, sometimes early, and sometimes it completely goes away (if they can have a strong control over it).

Thoughts... .

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[maxsterling]

My GF was diagnosed BPD as a teenager or early 20s. I met her when she was 37, and she said she struggled with depression but made it sound like that was in her past.  A month or two later, she was screaming at me for no reason that I could understand.  A simple misunderstanding and she went from 0 to 10 in less than a second.  I started going to a T, and within 30 minutes of my first session, my T reached to her book case and pulled out a book titled "I hate you don't leave me".  A few weeks later my GF revealed that she had been diagnosed BPD. 

I'm not sure when she was first diagnosed, but I think it was during a period of lengthy hospitalization when she was about 15, after a period of cutting and intense drug use.

[LoveLove]

Thank you for sharing. Yes, it seems as though they say they are depressed, and what they are going through is due to past experiences (and I do believe abuse, other issues in one's past will trigger and 'create' BPD)... . however, I find that they'll make up reasons in their mind as a way to explain why they are the way they are now... .

And yes, one minute they're happy, and another you can actually SEE evil/anger in their eyes. Very odd... . and then a few second later, they will be happy again.

I've read about those with BPD who are more functional than other BPD patients... . so there is a range and therapy may work for one and not work for another... .

[arjay]

How did you all notice that your SO has BPD? What were the signs?

My dBPDxw raged often.  It seemed "somebody" had to be the recipient.  Sadly most of it was towards me.

Other signs/symptoms:

Abandonment issues - if I was gone too long at work she would rage

Dissociation - her eyes would get dark and she became somebody else

Self-Medicating - she would drink a lot initially, but did get it under control over time

Abusive - would threaten me with the police

Isolating - caused so many problems with family they wanted no part of her.  She totally isolated me

Blaming - It was always my fault

Black/White thinking - no middle ground.  She was either happy or horribly mean

[LoveLove]

Arjay,

Wow... . what you listed sounds so familiar. I never experienced any rage though. There was never any yelling/screaming/tantrums. And I only experienced his turning a 180 and becoming depressed a few weeks ago. The dissociation - yes! I saw that twice, where the eyes become dark (creepy) and you can tell there is an inner demon - very angry/hurt look. I can't explain it - but I thought I was just seeing things.

Drinking... . I noticed it when we took a day trip. He had drink after drink... . I didn't think too much of it then... . but now... . hm... .

Not abusive. But as far as isolating - he said that he was always busy and was never able to really spend time with family - although he did say he would go to his siblings or parents' homes on weekends. Hm... .

Blaming - he told me that I was the one who was controlling/defensive - when in fact it was him.

And yes, either very nice or completely cold. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... .

Did you experience lying or the person wanting complete attention in any fashion?

[arjay]

Did you experience lying or the person wanting complete attention in any fashion?

I believed everything she said until the end.  The day she left I told her "I don't believe anything you ever told me all the years we were together".  She just looked at me with a blank stare and didn't say a word.  To this day I really don't know how much of what she told me was the truth and how much were lies, including her ex-husband, her family and her children... .

Complete attention? Ah yes to the extreme.  She belittled me when we all went to get a pet bird and I had my 8 y/o daughter name it.  She went on for days about "you put your daugher first"... .

[Leap]

My current BPDw was also diagnosed as a teen (16) and the diagnosis was re-affirmed as an adult (26).  She was also hospitalized as a teen and in both instances a traumatic time in her life is what led to her getting help.  Ironically, she is now 37 and we have been married for 11 1/2 yrs.  So I can identify with you.  My advice to you would be to educate yourself as thoroughly as you can about this illness.  When I found out my wife was BPD, there wasn't as much solid information out there then as there is now.  The book you mentioned "I Hate You Don't Leave Me", I am currently reading.  Another good book is by Valerie Porr, M.A. "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for Healing and Change".  Both of these books have a lot of good, solid information that will help you to better understand BPD and if you plan on having a relationship that doesn't fail, isn't miserable, isn't full anger and resentment, you'll want to read them and any other information (including your T's) you can get your hands on.  As for why she didn't mention it at first, it isn't something most people with BPD are proud of (if they even acknowledge it).  She must have some level of trust with you to tell you that she is BPD.  And keep in mind it is an illness.  Try not to judge or take things too personally.  I would imagine she has had a good deal of trauma somewhere in her past, either through her own actions or the actions of others.  It seems to be a standard part of the illness.  Her mood swings are another.  It is normal to BPD.  I also suggest educating yourself because it sounds like you don't have a lot of time and emotion invested (if I am wrong please correct me).  They are the most loving and the most hating sometimes.  You need to know what you're getting into before you get too deep.  There is also a great article on this site you might want to check out, article 1 "How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves".  I would suggest reading it, re-read it and then read it again.  In my own experience it is very accurate.  I say these things to you not to scare you off of her.   My guess is she is also a very wonderful, giving, smart person.  But the dark side is there too, which it sounds like you have already gotten a taste of.  Both sides you need to be very aware of to save yourself a lot of pain and misery, in addition to joy and love.  If she isn't in therapy I would really stop and think if you want to pursue your relationship further.  And please keep this in mind, YOU CANNOT FIX HER, no matter how much you try or want to.  I learned that through hard experience in my own relationship.  It gets to a point where no matter what you do it won't satisfy her.  You will want to, you will try to and you will fail.  If she is in treatment or is willing to go you stand a much greater chance of having a happy relationship.  I liken it to my own alcoholism.  It is a lifelong endeavor to stay well and healthy and in recovery, taken one day at a time.  Some rehab programs (the one my stepson was in for instance) actually use DBT techniques to treat addiction.  Because it is like an addiction and DBT has a lot of the same characteristics as a twelve step program (which is why aa has been around so long, it works if your work it).  I hope I have not overwhelmed you here, that was not my intention.  But part of my own recovery is to, as we like to say in aa, carry the message to others, so that they don't have to suffer as we have.  Good luck and God's speed.  Faith, Hope and Love.

[LoveLove]

Thank you for everyone for sharing... . it's very helpful.

As far as them wanting attention - yes they seem to always want to be the CENTER of attention. Even if you feel you are giving them 100% of your attention, it's never enough. I don't understand it exactly... . almost to the point of making a scene in public... . hm... .

And as far as therapy - luckily my ex chose to get help himself, because he wanted to "find a better path to get on" with me... . although I don't know if he'll actually return and I can't say that 100% he has BPD (but signs here point to him having it)... . now I'm not certain if I'll be able to "handle" it. I mean validating itself seems to be a whole new language on its own... . and my ex is one of the high functioning ones... . and I know therapy is different for each person - but his therapist has placed him in a 12 week intense program - where he talks/sees her twice a week or more - 2 hours per session... . I can only hope that he actually gets the help that he needs IF the therapist has diagnosed him with BPD... .