so angry right now

[eternalbloom]

Hi guys here's an update of sorts... .

Things escalated with ex during a visitation, he got mad and wanted to discuss "the relationship

"versus meeting with his son (he hadnt seen for two weeks) and the police were called because he told me he wasnt going to give him back to me. I went and got a temporary restraining order that next day and a  hearing date for mediation and custody scheduled next week.

Since he has been served he has emailed me twice, and left notes in an extra car he parked in front pof my home, one that he used to let me drive. In those notes he talkes about still being in love, us getting back together, accusing me of being with someone, or several people, talks about "supporting me" and buying me things, yet he has only given me about $100 total this month and he is able to provide more financially. I had resisted the urge of looking at his social media accounts until today and I see that he has re-added every girl he used to date, even some that he dismissed as soon as he met me and some we got in fights over.

Why am I surprised, geez I don't know when I am going to just get that he is the most untrustworthy indecent person I have ever met. I have rehearsed the mantra, "he is not trustworthy" and I see the truth still pulls the rug out under me everytime.

These love letters he sent were so elaborate and gut wrenching when you read them you think they are true and he always makes the mistake of saying I'll wait for you I havent talked to anyone, but clearly he's gone out his way to reconnect with everyone. The freakiest part is I know like maybe 5% of these people on his list. Its like I was living with a stranger.

PS - I planned on bringing the letters to court to demonstrate how he just doesnt follow the rules so my custody order and parenting plan will be more stringent to keep this guy away from me, because we have a history of domestic violence. But I still feel like I am letting him get away with tormenting me still hes not supposed to send anything to me period and here I am inundated with all these lies and stupid feelings. So regretting looking at his account, he's such a low life not even a smidgen of who he pretends to be.

[santa]

Co-parenting is a crock. I tried it for a few months.

Your son is with you, so you have total control now. You get to call the cops if he's not returned on time. So, he went from being the child's father to now being told by you what he can or can't do with his own son all because you decided to leave him. So, now every time he's with your son he feels like he's babysitting for you so you can date "better" guys. But he has to pay you every month? Does that seem fair to you? Would you not be ticked off about that?

[eternalbloom]

Co-parenting is a crock. I tried it for a few months.

Your son is with you, so you have total control now. You get to call the cops if he's not returned on time. So, he went from being the child's father to now being told by you what he can or can't do with his own son all because you decided to leave him. So, now every time he's with your son he feels like he's babysitting for you so you can date "better" guys. But he has to pay you every month? Does that seem fair to you? Would you not be ticked off about that?

I wish it were only a custody or money issue, the judge could handle that easily! Money and parenting time/custody aside, the judge will make those final decisions I know because I'm divorced and been coparenting for 17 years (been to court 13 times with that guy).

We actually havent gotten that far, there's no parenting order in place. In one of his love letters he said he wasnt trying to fight for custody, he wants our son to live with me. He's really trying to come home himself, who knows the man is all over the place.

I called the police on him because he threatened to leave the state with our son and I'd never see him again. Sidebar: he's only lived with him 3 months of his life and "babysat" him once for four hours. Our son is 17 months old.

The part that was the most daunting was the inconsistency with his behavior, violating the restraining order to send me this crap (See I am willing to send this to you because I love you so much, don't care if they send me to jail) Its the lies that bothering me. Its the recycling that's bothering me.  I found it daunting after all of this, and filing a restraining order I get these love letters while he's trying to recycle me and every person hes had sex with before me, many of them were people he strung along into our relationship.

I do believe if I have the child 99% of the time, which I do he should provide financial support, the man makes 6 figures. $100 is laughable, he knows better and has done better.

Interesting, if I had left out the part about the money or the custody/police I wonder if your perception would have been different. A huge lesson when I go before the mediator... . money aside, lets talk parenting and behavior. LOL

[santa]

I apologize for my prior comment. I just got royally screwed by my exBPDgf and I guess I'm pretty bitter. I had temporary custody of our daughter and my ex took her and left the state with her, so I've only seen my kid once in the past 6 months. She claimed I was trying to steal her baby from her as she was stealing the baby from me. It was ridiculous. We all lived together when I had temporary custody. It was just part of the procedure to get joint custody in writing because of her constant DUI arrests. My daughter is only 20 months old, so it's been a very difficult time for me. I feel like men get a raw deal sometimes.

As for your ex, it sounds like he's giving you a really hard time. I'm sorry that you're having to go through that. You have every right to be angry.

I think the main goal of BPDs is to push and push and push and drive people up the wall until they get angry and then once the other person is angry they can sit back and pretend like they're a victim and then point at how bad you are. It's really frustrating.

[winston72]

Man, the hurt, confusion, pain and anger from such a relationship has been virtually overwhelming for me... . I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be to layer in a young child to the conflict. 

Just a word of support and a bit of respect as both of you confront these issues. 

[eternalbloom]

I apologize for my prior comment. I just got royally screwed by my exBPDgf and I guess I'm pretty bitter. I had temporary custody of our daughter and my ex took her and left the state with her, so I've only seen my kid once in the past 6 months. She claimed I was trying to steal her baby from her as she was stealing the baby from me. It was ridiculous. We all lived together when I had temporary custody. It was just part of the procedure to get joint custody in writing because of her constant DUI arrests. My daughter is only 20 months old, so it's been a very difficult time for me. I feel like men get a raw deal sometimes.

As for your ex, it sounds like he's giving you a really hard time. I'm sorry that you're having to go through that. You have every right to be angry.

I think the main goal of BPDs is to push and push and push and drive people up the wall until they get angry and then once the other person is angry they can sit back and pretend like they're a victim and then point at how bad you are. It's really frustrating.

Hi Santa -

No worries, I understand. Money and custody are hot and scary issues and bring out various emotions in all of us.  Having gone thru a co-parenting nightmare with my ex-husband this is the last thing I want to go thru for another 17 years with my exbf. I am sorry to hear about your ex, hearing my exbf tell me he was taking away our son almost gave me a heart attack. I was the first in line at the courthouse the next day! I need to stay ahead of him and protect myself and our son. I also agree that its easier for women to use the system against men, and that sucks especially if you are a good person/father. My only advice is to document, that's how I was able to outsmart my ex-husband. He is a diagnosed high functioning bi-polar with plenty of money at his disposal and he tried to use the court system against me, and won a few times. The more evidence I brought to disprove his theories, the more the law was on my side.

[eternalbloom]

Man, the hurt, confusion, pain and anger from such a relationship has been virtually overwhelming for me... . I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be to layer in a young child to the conflict. 

Just a word of support and a bit of respect as both of you confront these issues. 

Thank you for your words of comfort. This is a living nightmare. I am hoping as I am confronted with these feelings they wont fester and eventually I will get over/thru it. At least that's what I keep reading :-)

[winston72]

Santa, I am going to copy a link below that addresses the topic of non-custodial fathers.  The title is a bit "off-putting" and does not describe you, but the content is pretty engaging.  I think it describes some of the inner conflict and challenges.  So, I submit it to you respectfully... . it might be a helpful resource to process some emotion and develop strategies for asserting your rights. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92549.0

[bpdspell]

Hey Eternal Bloom,

I responded to your post because I was in a Domestic Violence situation with my Borderline Narcissist as well. Narc men are not to be played with and you have to be pretty much black and white with them to show them you mean business. All of that contact: emails, notes, love letters are completely boundary busting and are in violation of the restraining order but I suspect you know that already.

My ex's right hand said he loved me and his left hand was busy securing new supply. It's what they do.

They know exactly how to pull at your heart strings with lies and a script but their actions are their truth. Remember that. My ex begged and pleaded for second chances on his knees and said all the right things and not even a week later he verbally assaulted me and took back his "apology" gift.

Please do your best to protect yourself and your son. Narc men are not to be trusted especially because they have a major issue with losing the "control" that they once had over you.

Spell

[santa]

Santa, I am going to copy a link below that addresses the topic of non-custodial fathers.  The title is a bit "off-putting" and does not describe you, but the content is pretty engaging.  I think it describes some of the inner conflict and challenges.  So, I submit it to you respectfully... . it might be a helpful resource to process some emotion and develop strategies for asserting your rights. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92549.0

This is excellent reading. Thank you. I can certainly relate to a lot of the things they describe. 

[jynx]

Please do not wait till your court date to report the emails and letters to the police.  He is in violation of the RO.  You need to protect yourself, if you don't report these he may think that they are ok, and continue to send more, he may even stalk you, if he isn't already. 

[eternalbloom]

Hey Eternal Bloom,

I responded to your post because I was in a Domestic Violence situation with my Borderline Narcissist as well. Narc men are not to be played with and you have to be pretty much black and white with them to show them you mean business. All of that contact: emails, notes, love letters are completely boundary busting and are in violation of the restraining order but I suspect you know that already.

My ex's right hand said he loved me and his left hand was busy securing new supply. It's what they do.

They know exactly how to pull at your heart strings with lies and a script but their actions are their truth. Remember that. My ex begged and pleaded for second chances on his knees and said all the right things and not even a week later he verbally assaulted me and took back his "apology" gift.

Please do your best to protect yourself and your son. Narc men are not to be trusted especially because they have a major issue with losing the "control" that they once had over you.

Spell

Thank you for the advice, better safe than sorry. My hearing date is this Friday.

[eternalbloom]

Please do not wait till your court date to report the emails and letters to the police.  He is in violation of the RO.  You need to protect yourself, if you don't report these he may think that they are ok, and continue to send more, he may even stalk you, if he isn't already. 

I thought maybe I could bring them there the hearing is this Friday, but I will call the police and tell them.