I swear I caught one too many fleas

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I struggle at times throughout the day because as I read posts here about people and their exes I hear about how they would try and manipulate, how they would rage, how they would say mean things then how they would apologize and then how they would beg.

I literally did all this after I left, spent some time regrouping, and then was ready to try again. That's when she said she was done and went emotionally distant and cold. I got so angry, raged, said things as a manipulation to get her to talk to me, threatened self-harm, was definitely verbally abusive in my rages.

But after all that occurred, after all the stuff that I allowed myself to deal with and the areas of covert emotional abuse I still feel awful about that. I literally became just like all the exe's she talked about before. I became abusive, manipulating, and trying to control after the breakup. I don't have an angry bone in my body. I'm so patient with other people, and when people hurt me or reject me I take it in stride and can detach myself so easily from it.

I think it's just self-anger that I allowed myself to turn into someone that I am not. During the relationship I was really kind, caring, and compassionate to her. I gave her my life and always allowed her to pursue whatever she wanted. During arguments when she would be quiet and I'd get angry I'm sure I said a mean word once or twice to her. But nothing like what I said to her after the discard. And overall I never displayed any anger to her unless it was during a fight. I just struggled to cope with it all.

Telling her she was the most evil human being ever, that she was selfish, that she was BPD, that she had no empathy, that she wasted years of my life, that she left me when I needed her the most. Then I'd apologize. And then it would all start again. She has to think I'm a lunatic and a part of her is right. I read how people here and their exe's would say the exact same things in an attempt of emotional blackmail.

When people post about their exe's contacting them and threatening self-harm and all the comments are about "yeah that's manipulation. don't feed into it. ignore it. set boundaries" and then she would do the exact same thing. She'd ignore it. Set a boundary and not respond, not feed into it. I swear she is the sane one, and I am the messed up one now. How she is out enjoying her life, doing self-care and just overall content while I am acting like someone with BPD who was rejected.

I don't know. I just hate that I allowed this anger to get the best of me. I wish when she said she didn't want to try again that I had just accepted it, wished her well, and moved on. I know she would have recycled me much sooner if I did that. I even remember telling her that I was saying all the mean things so that she would stay away from me for good. But I didn't mean that. I was probably testing to see if she really cared in a foolish way. But I'm painted black, and she will resent me until the day that I die for it. And I'll just be another story for the eventual new guy about exe's treating her wrong as they saunter off to the bedroom to make love or something like that.

This all just hit me. And it has happened far too much over the past 5-6 months. Just wanted to share.  

[roberto516]

I struggle at times throughout the day because as I read posts here about people and their exes I hear about how they would try and manipulate, how they would rage, how they would say mean things then how they would apologize and then how they would beg.

I literally did all this after I left, spent some time regrouping, and then was ready to try again. That's when she said she was done and went emotionally distant and cold. I got so angry, raged, said things as a manipulation to get her to talk to me, threatened self-harm, was definitely verbally abusive in my rages.

But after all that occurred, after all the stuff that I allowed myself to deal with and the areas of covert emotional abuse I still feel awful about that. I literally became just like all the exe's she talked about before. I became abusive, manipulating, and trying to control after the breakup. I don't have an angry bone in my body. I'm so patient with other people, and when people hurt me or reject me I take it in stride and can detach myself so easily from it.

I think it's just self-anger that I allowed myself to turn into someone that I am not. During the relationship I was really kind, caring, and compassionate to her. I gave her my life and always allowed her to pursue whatever she wanted. During arguments when she would be quiet and I'd get angry I'm sure I said a mean word once or twice to her. But nothing like what I said to her after the discard. And overall I never displayed any anger to her unless it was during a fight. I just struggled to cope with it all.

Telling her she was the most evil human being ever, that she was selfish, that she was BPD, that she had no empathy, that she wasted years of my life, that she left me when I needed her the most. Then I'd apologize. And then it would all start again. She has to think I'm a lunatic and a part of her is right. I read how people here and their exe's would say the exact same things in an attempt of emotional blackmail.

When people post about their exe's contacting them and threatening self-harm and all the comments are about "yeah that's manipulation. don't feed into it. ignore it. set boundaries" and then she would do the exact same thing. She'd ignore it. Set a boundary and not respond, not feed into it. I swear she is the sane one, and I am the messed up one now. How she is out enjoying her life, doing self-care and just overall content while I am acting like someone with BPD who was rejected.

I don't know. I just hate that I allowed this anger to get the best of me. I wish when she said she didn't want to try again that I had just accepted it, wished her well, and moved on. I know she would have recycled me much sooner if I did that. I even remember telling her that I was saying all the mean things so that she would stay away from me for good. But I didn't mean that. I was probably testing to see if she really cared in a foolish way. But I'm painted black, and she will resent me until the day that I die for it. And I'll just be another story for the eventual new guy about exe's treating her wrong as they saunter off to the bedroom to make love or something like that.

This all just hit me. And it has happened far too much over the past 5-6 months. Just wanted to share.  

[Emotions]

Why do you think that happened? Was it because that is who you are? Perhaps she pushed you over the edge with her subtle manipulations... .I remember yelling happy birthday to my ex in a nasty way one year... .she was in the closet sitting and upset with something... .and I basically took out some anger I had in me (she cheated on me right around my birthday a month before,  not on my birthday but a couple days before, and a couple days after)... .so although I feel accountable for my actions and feel a huge feeling of remorse and regret for doing so, I never would have yelled happy birthday if she didn't drive me to this type of madness... .don't beat yourself up Roberto, it wasn't an easy peaceful road for me, and I'm pretty sure it was the same for most of us here... .all you can do is be who you are today, and learn from this experience, and be a class act in your next romantic adventure... .that's what I plan to do.

[roberto516]

I know it was all feelings of being rejected and feeling betrayed. I swore she'd never leave me. And I foolishly would hint at leaving during arguments. (though a part of me always did want to or I woukdnt say it) but she always begged for me back. It was the only way i knew how to get her to at least show she cared about me by asking me not to leave. I would've went right back the day I left because she asked. She asked me to come back to watch a movie and she'd make dinner but it had started snowing and I didn't want to drive on the roads. I really just needed time to clear my head. I was depressed afyer losing my grandpop and didn't feel the support from her (although I hate to admit she did try to the best of her ability)

 Then that night I tried to make amends and asked her if she wanted to go to a concert. Thays when she told me her family already got tickets to it. When she went to vegas for a show I asked her in the future to please invite me before just making those plans. So I got even more angry that she had done it again. Especially bevause they must have got the tickets on christmas when I was home and she knew I was destroyed emotionally over losing him. I felt so unimportant to her.

And then after that she said she needed time. And I just couldnt handle that. I completely violated that boundary and got so angry. I remember telling her one day "it stinks when you care about someone so much and they don't even reach out to you." Then she said "I told you I don't want a relationship" so I raged. Told her to delete my family off facebook and stuff. Next day she contacted HR at work to tell them we weren't in a relationship anymore. Thats when I knew I had gone too far and so I begged her to reconsider. And then conversations I'd ask if she'd one day consider us being together and would she give me the first chance and she'd say "I don't know. I don't think we're right for each other" which would send me into another rage.

As I type this she seems like the more level headed and "non" while I'm the opposite. I never really admitted fully how I acted after the discard here and I feel so embarassed and realize how I pushed her away so that a real true reconciliation was impossible.

It's just odd how the roles reversed. She's so calm now and distant since the breakup (minus when she needed me) and I'm the one going mentally insane and raging and acting like someone I'm not.

[Emotions]

Time will tell brother, I'm in the same boat... .mine although still seemingly self centered was the one who said all we do is fight and it's not healthy... .and she is in a good relationship now while I sit around feeling obsessive and emotional sometimes... .which is more healthy? Well her at the moment... .but say 10 months from now, time will tell if I am back to my old healthy self, maybe even in a quality relationship and if she is back to her 'old' ways with mr. perfect, than we know the answer... .keep focused on becoming the class act that you can be, and let her true nature evolve one way or another... .for me it would be miraculous and I would even take some credit if my ex didn't exhibit BPD traits someday in her current relationship, but I would be surprised. Gonna wait this one out and have faith I am doing the best I can, hope the same for you Roberto

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I think it's just self-anger that I allowed myself to turn into someone that I am not.

Try not to beat yourself up over it.  It takes strength and honesty to ourselves to admit our mistakes and it's natural to feel remorse about these.  

I believe everything happens for a reason and that everything works out as it's intended to in the end.  Whether we're proud of our behaviour or not, it is all leading us on our path to something we're intended to discover.  Perhaps she told you so frequently about how things 'always go' that you believed it deep down about yourself - that you too would fall into this category of ex's for her and unconsciously you then acted in that predicted way.  I say this with love, but is it possible she scratched the surface and uncovered some part of you that you'd been holding back?  I ask this because I realise that in myself.  In my case it's deep rooted fears, emotional pain and trauma, even self pity to some degree and a little shame that I'd buried.  Maybe in your case it was a build up of resentment at life's circumstances.  That sounds reasonable to me.  I'm sure it's hard accepting that you hurt the woman you love, but hey, none of us get everything right.

What you are doing by having this introspection is really admirable and inspiring to others.  Thanks for baring your soul to us as you do, and more importantly well done for baring it to yourself.  :)eepest respect.

Love and light x  

[roberto516]

I believe everything happens for a reason and that everything works out as it's intended to in the end.  Whether we're proud of our behaviour or not, it is all leading us on our path to something we're intended to discover.  Perhaps she told you so frequently about how things 'always go' that you believed it deep down about yourself - that you too would fall into this category of ex's for her and unconsciously you then acted in that predicted way.  I say this with love, but is it possible she scratched the surface and uncovered some part of you that you'd been holding back?    

I think I"m beating myself up so much because I did become like all her exe's. I am just another bad story for her to tell. And also because I saw how my dad treated my mom. He wasn't verbally abusive but he was emotionally abusive. I swore I'd treat a woman like she deserved. And I end up becoming the same thing that I swore I'd never be which is someone who was so harsh and mean.

It's a lot of introspection. I remember telling her very early on "In my last relationship I gave so much of myself and I felt like I lost me. I'm scared this will happen again." Well guess what happened? She wanted so much from me and I gave it all to the point I lost myself. Now I still did have hobbies and interests and spend some time with friends but my emotional well being was fully locked onto her needs, our future, and what I had to do to help make that future a possibility.

I was definitely holding back the 15 months when all I wanted to do was talk to her. And that cold indifference which she ended things brought out the rage. Just like my mom raging at my dad when he wouldn't talk to her and he'd stay silent.

I have to keep digging or else I won't ever come to terms with so much repression of the truth that my family is far from perfect, and that my parents are not saints and that I sought out a relationship to fulfill the faulty views that I had.

[Harley Quinn]

I have to keep digging or else I won't ever come to terms with so much repression of the truth that my family is far from perfect, and that my parents are not saints and that I sought out a relationship to fulfill the faulty views that I had.

I so hear you on this.  Everything we are in our lives starts in our beginnings... .  As much as we know this, logically and instinctively, it's the easiest thing to deny.  I remember telling my ex and the previous ex and probably the one before... .(not that there have been hundreds!) that I was so very lucky to have the family and upbringing I did.  How I couldn't have asked for more.  That was denial.  In reality I could have asked for better role models, to be fair.  It wasn't perfect, they didn't get everything right and was I affected?  Hell yeah I was!  Let's remember that we may only be at the starting blocks, yet that's a lot further forward than many people walking this earth and give ourselves a pat on the back from time to time.

Love and light x 

[roberto516]

Thanks Harley

And you know what? I did become aware of this before the relatonship. It's why I supported her and encouraged her so much. I remember so many times when she wanted me to tell her positive things and I would but I'd always say "You don't need me to tell you these things. You have to be able to do it yourself too." How when she was anxious or conflicted about things I would hear her out and encourage her to pursue those things. I wanted to see her succeed. I wanted her to find her self-worth. I guess, if she has found her self-worth, she finally took my advice that she didn't need me. One of the last times we spoke she was conflicted about a job decision and wanted me to come over that night. I told her she should go to yoga and she will feel better. She messaged me the next day saying "I went and I felt so much better. You're always right." I then told her "See you don't need me to feel better about yourself." I guess that hurts somewhat. Because she finally took my advice but didn't want to be with me as she went on that self-disovery path. If she even is. I imagine she's running still from the pain. Who knows. Thanks for the comments. It's appreciated.

[impromptus]

the eventual new guy ex

Here, fixed that for you.

Also on an even more serious note: it's never too late to accept it. Sure, you may have done lousy ___ but don't let that ruin your life (now and later). There are lots of posts here about accepting your role in the relationship (whatever it may have been), maybe finding out what you were getting out of it will help you find peace.

And I recognize that fury you describe from my own relationship with a pwBPD. I sometimes feel like that rage isn't mine, like I'm some sort of replacement actor filling a role without 'owning' the words, the anger. So that sounds very similar to what happened to you. It feels like a sibling constantly pinching you when no one is looking and when you finally retaliate, you get the blame. Sure, you are responsible for your own actions but there are at least two sides in a relationship.