Hi everyone,
I'v had an on and off relationship with my bipolar BPD exgf for 6 years. Past 6 months or more have been ridiculously hard. We could only see each other on weekends because of her current work, but when she was with me, she was barely looking at me and would just stay at the phone. We used to have an amazing sex life, but these past 6 months it was 1-2 times a month.
All attempts to get her attention and to have a conversation about what was going on failed. I'm not sure what came first, the way she was treating me or my depression and financial issues, but a couple times she said those were the reasons she was so far from me and she didn't do it in a nice way, she said some things to me that break any and all boundaries for relationships... like saying I'm not a man or after disrespecting referring to me as "someone who she was thinking about dumping".
Her new job made her make slightly more money than me for the first time in 6 years and it felt to me she lost respect of me because of it.
I'v attempted to talk to her only a couple of times in the past 4 weeks. I can't think about letting her go or living my life without her. My financial issues are about to improve and some other things might make my life less miserable so if she was truthful about the issues in the relationship, these would not be here anymore.
One of the things I thought about doing to help us getting back on the right foot, was making each three lists, "5 things I didn't like about her and how they made me feel, 5 things I liked about her and how they made me feel, 5 things I did wrong or could have done better and why I didn't do them".
Before even talking to her, one thing really locked me down... I can't list 2 things about her I like other than my feelings for her and her physical appearance... I didn't think she was very trustworthy because she would engage with other men in ways I already tried telling her I didn't think was on, even though she didn't seem to care about concealing from me and I tried thinking about other qualities and man... I can't, I really can't think of anything. I could say she's funny or have some common interests but it feels like shallow qualities.
Why do I love someone so much but I can't name 5 qualities about that person? And how come do I still wish her back? I'm I that shallow? It's not that I can't find someone else attractive, I'm not an ugly guy, I have access, but I really DO love her and I can't even think about being with anybody else right now. Is this normal? Have I tainted my life being with someone so attractive or have I tainted my sight for having such deep feelings for this person?
I find it hard to believe she'd change and be a caring, loving, trustworthy, life companion, but I also find it hard to let her go if there's even a remote possibility that she could improve a little bit.
I always knew the only thing worse than a girlfriend would be her as an ex girlfriend and it's already happening, it seems she's literally involving herself with everyone she knew I didn't like and were hitting on her while we were together and sharing on social media. I can't help myself not to look, it's killing me in the inside. It's not only jealousy, but I value her so much, I care so much for her and these people are literally narcissists just using her for gratification. They are taking someone I value the most in my world and turning her into a napkin and she does it smiling
.
I'd appreciate any insight,
PLEASE, I really need input.
