She’s leaving. Again. (Part 2)

[GoodMan]

*mod note: this thread was split from the original post. Part 1 is here : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337577.0

Quick update.

She is still planning to move.

I was giving them space because she wants it and I need it.

I am having massive problems with watching them pack. My heart is very heavy,

My step daughter voiced that it seemed like I was avoiding her so I stepped back in to try and curb that thought. When she goes back to her dads I’ll step back again to protect my heart.

I’m still keeping my boundaries as much as possible.

I won’t let this situation come between me and the kiddo.

She means so much to me. So does her mom but my hands are tied there.

This is a lot. My head is fried.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

any update GoodMan? how are you holding up?

[GoodMan]

Not great.

Doing my best to survive it. Hunkered to work and working on the house. Focusing on my healing. Reading therapy.

Working on communication with my pwBPD but she’s got it in her head that she can’t make it work and it’s time to run.

Trying to make sure the kiddo is ok. For my pwBPD that means pretending nothing is wrong.

Trying to see the the good in everything.

Not good. But going on. I’m not sure really. I just seem to be pretending.

[once removed]

Working on communication with my pwBPD but she’s got it in her head that she can’t make it work and it’s time to run.

whats she saying?

[GoodMan]

Almost nothing.

We’re being cordial while she packs her stuff.

I’m trying to keep space so it doesn’t kill me but I’m being told it’s effecting my step daughter so now I get to site in my living room with the life we’ve built packed into boxes and pretend everything is all right. Pretend that my heart isn’t broken.

I’m not built for this kind of loss. I came from a family that did whatever it took to stay together.

I’m crushed.

[once removed]

hang in there man. we are with you in this.

i dont say this to get your hopes up, but sometimes, before things can work, they have to hit rock bottom, and there needs to be a period of space and of grieving.

I’m being told it’s effecting my step daughter

by whom?

[GoodMan]

By my pwBPD.

I making her feel alienated by giving themselves and myself space.

So now I get to pretend everything is ok.

[once removed]

I making her feel alienated by giving themselves and myself space.

what is she saying? in her words?

[GoodMan]

She says that my step daughter thinks I’m pulling away from her and if I want to have a relationship with her I need to be present regardless of how I feel.

She doesn’t have boundaries with our kiddo. Her whole family smothers her with love so if someone is handling there own crisis or situation or pain by stepping back she blames herself.

She needs constant attention to feel wanted.

This is where my pwBPD stores all her emotion. In her daughter. She is her clingy do no wrong go to. For now. She 11. I have a concern that the teen years will be tough for my pwBPD

[GoodMan]

Went out with some long time friends  this weekend and go to spend time with 3 amazing loving healthy couples and their kids. It made me miss my upwBPD so so much. Made me miss my daughter. Made me see how unhealthy I let us become.

So many feeling came up. I have so much sorrow and fear.

I’m so stuck mentally

Don’t know how to do this.

[once removed]

its really hard GoodMan, i know.

did she get her stuff? have you spoken at all since?

[GoodMan]

Yes they moved to a rental locally. We’re sill sorting our belongings out as she left some stuff and took some stuff that isn’t hers. There’s no rush.

We speak once and a while. I’m very cordial and so is she. I ask mainly about my step daughter.

My house is empty. That kills me.

I am focusing on house projects and my work. Self medicating via alternate focus I guess you could say.

My dr upped my Zoloft and I upped my therapy

I found s note she left for me describing that she had to leave for her. So she can clear her mind of the pain and anger she had. She was sorry for the way she treated me. There was more but I couldn’t read it twice.

That’s were we are today.

[once removed]

it sounds like she had some idea of how much she was struggling, how much you both were.

My house is empty. That kills me.

in time, as you are able, begin to fill it. fill it with people. fill it with love.

My dr upped my Zoloft and I upped my therapy

how is it going?

[Stillhopeful4]

My house is empty. That kills me.


That’s were we are today.

((Hugs) I'm so sorry.  I know it's very hard.

[GoodMan]

Quick update.

It’s been a few weeks.

My life is somber and introspective.

I’m working. Working on the house. Just living day by day. Being very focused on my healing and my needs. Something I don’t focus on very well.

We have been cordial. Polite. I answer all texts about my step
Daughter and work and polite comments about her work and a recent work success.

I did ignore a text where she showed me a pic of her enjoying a night out. My brain made up a bunch of scenarios that needed to be addressed and understood and I was concerned my jealousy would be evident in any conversation.

Maybe a text or two went by about how I’m doing. I don’t want to gush about how much I miss her. So I just let them breeze by. I don’t want to know about her fun nights out so they breeze by as well.

I tell her to bring the kiddo over to use the pool when I away traveling or if I’m home and it’s hot.

Today I got chastised because I’m choosing what texts to reply to. She feels ignored.  Then I was “yelled” at because the Instagram I had with pics of us and my kiddo and travel our family did was somehow effecting her face book...

What is this?

We’re not even together and I’m still getting grief. About how I am. What I do.

Is it my boundaries?

How could I do this better?

[once removed]

Today I got chastised because I’m choosing what texts to reply to. She feels ignored.  Then I was “yelled” at because the Instagram I had with pics of us and my kiddo and travel our family did was somehow effecting her face book...

What is this?

We’re not even together and I’m still getting grief. About how I am. What I do.

its how shes coping. i rarely say this, but it may have very little to do with what you are doing, or how you are behaving.

even if she ended the relationship for good, that doesnt necessarily mean shes grieved the relationship 100%. it also may be that she doesnt like how things have changed, or the fact that they have at all, and this may be her way of pushing back. she senses that absence of connection that used to be.

on top of that, people with bpd traits are just naturally very sensitive to rejection, or feeling ignored.

Today I got chastised because I’m choosing what texts to reply to. She feels ignored.  Then I was “yelled” at

how do/did you respond?

[GoodMan]

I explained that I could see how not getting the responses that i expect from someone I’m trying to communicate with could make me feel ignored and that ignoring her was not my intention.

I then let the conversation die off as to not provoke her any longer and so she would understand I’m done talking about it.

Later that day she brought my stepdaughter over to bring me something she made.

It was cordial.

Today she asked me how I was and I told her I was slammed with work. She said good night with a heart emoji.

It’s amazing how easy it is for pwBPD to bang back and forth and how confusing it could be fire their partners or even ex partners.

So hard to cope.

[once removed]

ignoring her was not my intention.

it was though, wasnt it?

Today she asked me how I was and I told her I was slammed with work. She said good night with a heart emoji.

do you think shes trying to get a feel for where you are about it all?

[GoodMan]

Took a break from this to defuse. I needed to focus on healing and my house and work...

It’s been on month since she took her daughter and left.

We talk a few times a week, all is very cordial.

She’s been dropping hints about going to a movie and today blatantly asked if I would go to a movie with her.

Is this a power move? Or maybe something to satisfy her need to control my feelings for her?

What is this about?

[once removed]

Is this a power move? Or maybe something to satisfy her need to control my feelings for her?

probably not. she doesnt get a lot of power from asking you to a movie.

its hard to say why she asked. people with bpd traits can do some pretty inappropriate things following a breakup, usually as a means of coping. if i had to guess (and its only a guess) i suspect that its more about soothing her feelings about the breakup...in simple terms, wanting to be on good terms with you. be okay with each other. at most, it could be a desire to reconnect, though its important not to read too much or jump to conclusions.

how did you respond?

[Gemsforeyes]

I don’t think she has the awareness to be purposefully manipulative.

Do you have the strength, at this early stage, to be just friends with her and go to a movie?

If you cannot be in a committed relationship with her, are you better off having no contact in the long run?

She obviously did NOT leave you for another man.  Have you had a full talk about your break-up?  Do you understand the reasons for the breakup?  Does she?

Just some food for thought... but I agree.  Assume nothing by this invitation.  Take care of your heart.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes