Advice requested - Am I overreacting

[strugglingBF]

Some on here may think that this situation I am about to ask for advice/opinions on is very small, but this is the kind of thing that is a regular occurrence in my life, and on thing about having a BPD spouse will do is distort your reality and make you think you are crazy.

So, this evening my GF (who is a realtor) mentioned to me that she received a gift from a mortgage rep that she works with occasionally.  Before I go any further, let me add that this particular mortgage rep constantly check my GF out whenever she is around.  We run across him because his son plays soccer on the same team as my GF's son.  I know he is checking her out because I am a guy that does the same thing at times.  Checking her out?...she is beautiful, it happens, no harm no foul.  He also has asked her to go get coffee together in the past (she hasn't gone) to discuss mortgage products.  The combination of the two makes me a little uneasy, because he can stop by her office anytime to discuss mortgage products but is choosing to ask for a 1 on 1 meeting.  Regardless, my GF hasn't gone so again no harm no foul.  Back to the gift.  First of all, she told me about the gift and I didn't really think anything about it.  It is a relationship business after all.  However, she felt the need to extremely over-explain the gift.  She got angry when talking about it and said the gift offended her greatly.  Ok, you have my attention now.  Then she shows me the gift.  It is a bottle of wine (we will come back to this), a mini gatorade, 2 ibuprofen tablets, and some chocolates.  Kind of a strange gift, but was most strange is how offended she said she was with the bottle of wine.  The name of the wine was "Freakshow".  Now, when I hear the word "freak" I associate it as sexual.  My GF is usually gutter-minded, but was describing the wine to me as an extreme insult (pretty much exactly the opposite direction she would normally take the word "freak".  She is trying to tell me she was insulted because this mortgage guy's wife has mutual friends she used to hang out with in her younger more immature days, so she is playing it off as a shot it her by this guy and her wife.  Really?  Let me add that this guy's wife probably has no idea he purchased a gift for my GF, as he text her while he was shopping for it during working hours and asked her if she wanted wine or liquor.  Also, my GF told me he only gets gifts for her and another Realtor she works with (both of whom happen to be gorgeous...hmmm).  This is all coming out before I even have a chance to react to the gift and the sexual connotation I think it has.  As a man who has pushed boundaries in my younger days, this is the type of wine I would have given to a woman to "test" her interpretation of it.  So I guess it does hit a familiar chord with me.  So my GF continues to tell me that when she opened the gift she had an immediate intense uncomfortableness (due to the supposed insult).  She then shows me their texts.  She thanked him for the gift via text immediately after opening it.  Her word were, "Thank you so much for the gift!  Love the wine!".  So I am now wondering why she would purposefully focus on the wine that has just offended her, if it really offended her.  To me that text is purposely focusing on the wine as if the underlying meaning was understood and welcomed, or maybe there is an inside meaning I am not aware of...or maybe I am crazy and overreacting.  Why would she specifically mention the wine that supposedly made her so uncomfortable?  Just doesn't add up.  Along with her over-explanation of the entire thing (kind of like when a kid over-explains something and you know something is up).  The gift also contained one of her favorite kinds of chocolate (strange), but yet she didn't mention that.  And my GF is a habitual ibuprofen user when drinking.  She will take 4 pills after drinking, then 4 more 1 hour later.  She goes through ibuprofen like its her job when she is drinking.  So the more I think about this gift, the more specialized and meaning-filled I start to think it is.  This all from a man who she supposedly has "no personal conversations with" her words. 

So she explains all this away with such conviction that it becomes suspicious.  And her theory of him giving a gift to put her down makes zero sense whatsoever.  I also forgot to mention that she refuses to agree that the work Freak can possibly have a sexual connotation.  One of her friends' nicknames is "FreakyHo" by the way.  But she will swear up and down to me that there is no possible way this bottle of wine could have been given with that underlying meaning.  I'm not even saying it was, but I do believe it is possible.  I also believe that her response to him of "Love the wine!" could possibly give the wrong impression to him if he was "testing the waters.

Help me fellow board members.  Am I being crazy?  Because I feel like I am being lied to. 

One of my biggest fears is to be cheated on and have the wool pulled over my eyes due to all of the mind manipulation that is thrown my way.  Like failing to see everything within the relationship that people outside would be like...dude, wake up... 

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[Ozzie101]

Forgive me for forgetting, but has there been any history of unfaithfulness in your relationship?

The specific gift of the ibuprofen, given your GF's habits, is rather odd. And it could be a case of "the lady doth protest too much." Or, she could be genuinely bothered by the gift and there could be absolutely nothing going on.

If you keep talking about it and over-thinking, you're likely to drive yourself crazy, not to mention what her reaction may be. It sounds to me like you're ruminating quite a bit, and analyzing and critiquing every tiny detail. I'm not sure that's doing either of you any good. It's probably not a bad idea to pay attention to what's going on, but going over and over (and over) it isn't likely to solve anything or bring any new insights.

You know her. If she was having a relationship with this man, would she have shown you the gift?

[strugglingBF]

I have never been unfaithful in any way, shape or form to my GF.  Having been an unfaithful husband to my ex-wife, I am super careful with the opposite sex now.  I was in a bad place at the time, and I matured and grew up over the past 10 years.  It is not who I want to be, regardless of how bad my situation is.

There are two incidents with regards to my GF that I have trouble getting over.  They both occasionally creep back into my mind from time to time:

1. She had an ongoing affair with a former co-worker that was on and off over the span of a 10 year period of her life.  She cheated on past boyfriends with the affair.  She has assured me that she has since moved on from it (she was basically some married guy's side chick).  This guy lives in another state now, so he is not local.  I was on a business trip once, which was one of my only business trips in the span of a few years at the time.  This guy happens to reach out via text.  Ask her how she is doing.  They had a small text conversation where she included things like, "I am with a person who checks the phone bill, so now is not a good time", and "I will call you back later from a different phone".  There was an answered call on the phone bill that I noticed, but she denied taking a call from him for months until she finally fessed up.  She still won't tell me what what said on the call.  It was a 3 minute call.  He has one final text later that day that said, "nice talking to you" or "thanks for calling me back".  She explained it as being sarcastic because she never called him back from a different phone.  She lied about every bit of this incident until I came up with concrete information that proved it.  I had the text messages on her apple watch and screenshot them.  She swears up and down that nothing happened and she didn't call him back.  His last text could be taken in a way that she actually did call him, or it could have been sarcastic because she didn't call as she texted she would.  I will never know which is true.  This guy is blocked on her phone and all forms of social media, as he likes to test the waters with her from time to time.  But blocks can be removed and are not really any type of fail safe.  That fact that this all went down the one time I was out of town for a week is sketchy to me.  That would be a major coincidence.  My gut on this one tells me that she didn't call him or do anything with him.  I do think she struggles when put on the spot like this. 

2. The night of one of our biggest fights (cops were involved and made her leave the house), she want and stayed the night at an ex's house.  That is where she chose the cops to take her.  This is a guy that she hooked up with when her previous BF and her would fight and "take breaks" supposedly.  Again, I knew she went there because I tracked her via Find My iPhone.  I went there right after the cops dropped her off.  All the lights in that house were off.  I ended up leaving and confronting her about it the next day.  She lied up and down until I showed her screenshots of her location.  She admits to it, says they just talked and she slept in the basement.  Given her history with this guy, I have major doubts about what really happened that night.  I find it hard to believe they didn't hook up.  That's what they have done in the past.  This dude is enamored with her and always has been.  By the way, he is blocked on her phone and all forms of social media as well.  My gut on this one tells me that they hooked up that night.  I have zero evidence, and I am just going on past experience with how she has used this guy in the past.  She said they just talked, he showed her his basement he just finished, and she fell asleep on the couch down there.  I have told her at times that if she did do something that night, just tell me so I can move on with my life.  I don't want to be with someone that would make a decision to hurt me that way as a retaliation tactic for an argument.  It's not even about the possible sex that happened, it is about the dangerous mindset. 

She has proven to me not to be truthful unless I have concrete evidence otherwise, so why would she tell me the truth about anything I cannot prove?

My GF has been a part of numerous cheating situations (most of which occurred while she was single and the other party was not).  She has been the catalyst of two divorces (yes, I know it takes two to tango), mine and the guy she dated before me.  I cannot speak for the guy before me, but my marriage was hanging by a thread.  She has made very poor/destructive/careless choices with regards to her sexual life before me.  Those decisions trouble her deeply, although she rarely admits it.   She has broke down to me on many occasions when recounting them to me.  She seems to have grown past some of that, and I think she does better when she is in a relationship.  One of the things that bothers me is that I know she will revert to destructive behavior if we don't work out.  It would be hard to know that is going to happen to her.  I struggle with what she will become if I eventually give up on her.  It is the way she is built, and she has not dealt with any of her internal struggles.   

I don't believe there is anything going on with the mortgage guy.  I actually didn't pick this situation apart that much.  She just kept explaining it and wouldn't stop, so we naturally got into details about it.  If she didn't explain so much, my radar would not have been tripped.  It was strange.  She was bothered by the gift for some reason, and I just threw out the flirting angle that was possible.  Honestly, it was a very unprofessional feeling gift for a professional relationship.  It could have been flirty given this guys past enamored actions with her, it could have been a put down as my GF took it, or it could have just been a poor choice of wine for a professional gift.  One way or another, my GF was uncomfortable with it and started over-explaining it.

[Ozzie101]

Your GF has a history of unfaithfulness. That's a big worry and trigger for you. Do you think she's likely to change and become faithful?

One of the things that bothers me is that I know she will revert to destructive behavior if we don't work out.  It would be hard to know that is going to happen to her.  I struggle with what she will become if I eventually give up on her.

I understand how you feel. Believe me. I've felt the same way. But is it your responsibility? Should it be your responsibility? Really think about the answers to those questions. Also, if you haven't before, you might want to read a bit about FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

[strugglingBF]

I can particularly relate to the Punisher and Tantalizer portions of that message board link.  She is a HUGE punisher.  "You don't do X for me, I will never attend any of your family functions".  In general, you don't act the way I want you to act, I will punish you in some way.  I can't tell you how many times this creeps into my life is various forms of severity. 

Just the other night, on Christmas day, we finished up at her parents and she wanted to stop by her son's girlfriends house.  I was tired and just wanted to go home.  We had driven separately to her parents house.  I appreciate the invite, but spending Christmas with a family I don't know just didn't appeal to me.  At the same time, her son wanted her to stop by and I had no problem with that.  I started driving toward my house and she immediately called in a rage.  "If you don't show your face at this house, I am not going to your parents for New Year's Eve."  My parents had invited us over because I have my kids for New Years this year and on those years my New Years Eve is naturally not a time to party it up.  I gave in and showed my face, and stayed there for a couple hours (just as long as she did).  Within two days she backed out of her end of the deal and told me she would not be going to my parents for New Years Eve.  Btw, she has since received an offer to spend New Year Eve with her son's girlfriend's family.  That is not where I want to spend New Year Eve, especially with my kids.  It would be awkward for them.  Hell, it is slightly awkward for me.  Not to mention they play Cards Against Humanity with all the young kids around.  Not sure if you are familiar with that game, but it is very dirty.  I am by no means overly conservative, but my kids don't need to hear that stuff at 13 and 12 years old.

I have given in to the bullying before and her Punisher mentality, but she usually comes through on her end.  She denies ever even saying she would go to my Parents, and she 100% said it.  I wouldn't have made an appearance that night if she didn't say that.

You know, our relationship is a series of bargains.  I have had to bargain for sex almost our entire relationship.  She also acts like any family event of mine she attends is a HUGE favor because my family is different than hers (we are not raging alcoholics and we are kind even when we don't agree with something).  That kind of zaps intimacy when there is a...well, what are you going to do for me...or, what have you done for me lately.  Our sex life has zero intimacy.  She will not kiss during sex, she has to have her eyes closed.  It is literally like a one-night stand every time.  While that can have its turn ons, I long for a connection and some intimacy.  Maybe some foreplay (which she doesn't like either).  Almost every time we have sex, there is some kind of "lets make this quick" or "let's get this over with" comment.  There are times when those comments immediately "deflate" me and stop everything.  Then she tells me I am rejecting her if it deflates me to the point I am no longer interested.  I crave it so many times I push through and still go through with it, but it is empty sex.  And bargaining for it just makes me feel like I am sleeping with a hooker sometimes.  She will swear up and down she longs for a connection and intimacy as well, but she doesn't even try.  We can have a great week (that is sad that a great week is the exception, not the norm) and be totally connected, she will still approach sex the same way.  Funny thing is, when I was actually pushing toward a breakup (right after her daughter assaulted my son and she was in the process of moving out), she turned into an absolute vixen for a month straight leading up to her moving out.  She was everything I wanted in a sexual relationship (probably a little too much).  She turned it on for that month, so she is capable of it.  I was also seeing a therapist she was SUPER jealous of (we saw her together as well until she stopped going).  She had to have sex with me before every appointment with my therapist...like...HAD TO.  She blew off her professional appointments to make it happen a few times.  She accused my therapist of wanting to get in my pants.  She would send me 100's (that isn't embellishing) of text's in a row with a picture of my therapist with a heart drawn around her head.  Telling me I am choosing my therapist over her.  It was so exhausting I stopped seeing that therapist due to the stress.  I really liked that therapist too.  And that therapist had insight into our entire relationship having dealt with both of us.  I can't find that in another therapist.   

[strugglingBF]

As far as your faithfulness question...I don't know.  I have cheated on my ex-wife twice, and I want nothing to do with it anymore.  This relationship is leaps and bounds more toxic than that of my relationship with my ex-wife, but I haven't even considered it an option.  I don't believe my GF is actively unfaithful.  Yes, I consider those two incidents mentioned above to be unfaithful.  I probably sound like I am making excuses for her.  The reality of my world gets skewed.  She makes excuses for those two situations.  With regards to the long-time affair, she tells me that guy had a kind of power over her for years.  He had her on a string, but she is stronger and knows that was not right and wants nothing to do with it.  She claims that she struggles with how to get rid of him because he can be pushy and persistent.  So she dances around it telling him she will call him later to get him to stop texting/calling, and then sending a message by not following through.  To me, I would have never even responded to his opening text when he announced who he was.  I would like her to value and defend our relationship in the same way.  With regards to staying the night at an ex's...that was a night of a huge blow up.  She was trying to leave extremely drunk in a vehicle we owned jointly.  When I tried to stop her she pulled out of the garage with me on the side of the vehicle.  I narrowly missed getting pinned between the car that the side of the garage opening.  In the midst of all this I did back-handed slap her face in a "wake up, what are you doing" manner.  Totally not ok for me to do, but I was in a panic and couldn't understand her behavior.  BTW...this was probably my first big encounter with her instability.  It was new to me, and she was willing to hurt me to leave in the car.  I handled it poorly, but she points to that back-hand as justification for going to an ex's house for the night.

Can I ask you your honest and unfiltered opinion of those to instances?  Am I stupid for believing her when she said she didn't do anything with her ex that night she stayed there?  Am I stupid to believe the other guy makes her feel awkward enough to this day that she has trouble in handling how to fight him off, or what manner to use?  I have a tendency to dig into details.  I see a text to him from her saying, "I am with someone who checks the phone bill.  Now is not a good time"...how is that not a "try again later statement"?  How is that making a stand to this guy to leave her alone?  Is she really too weak to make that stand, or am I just a gullible idiot who is blind to reality?

[Ozzie101]

Do you see the pattern here? She wants something, she threatens or bargains. You give in. Why would she change her behaviors when it works for her? You gave up a therapist with whom you had a good connection (not so easy to find) for her.

Even when she "comes through" with her end of the bargain, is this dynamic a good one? With her threatening/bullying and you giving in?

I would urge you not to change your New Year's plans with your parents. Your children deserve a nice gathering with your parents. Your parents deserve to spend time with your kids. You deserve a gathering you can enjoy without the discomfort and drama.

She is controlling you. Can she control you, though, if you don't let her?

[Ozzie101]

I've suggested to you before that you might want to sit down and really think about boundaries. Think about things you really want in a relationship. While you're doing this, forget your GF entirely. Have a blank slate. What do you want? Share that here, if you'd like.

I'd also advise you to think about this: Who do you want to be in a relationship? What kind of person? What kind of father?

What of those things on the list are being achieved right now in your relationship? What things could be achieved, with work and effort?

[strugglingBF]

Not sure if you saw this one because we were posting at the same time.

As far as your faithfulness question...I don't know.  I have cheated on my ex-wife twice, and I want nothing to do with it anymore.  This relationship is leaps and bounds more toxic than that of my relationship with my ex-wife, but I haven't even considered it an option.  I don't believe my GF is actively unfaithful.  Yes, I consider those two incidents mentioned above to be unfaithful.  I probably sound like I am making excuses for her.  The reality of my world gets skewed.  She makes excuses for those two situations.  With regards to the long-time affair, she tells me that guy had a kind of power over her for years.  He had her on a string, but she is stronger and knows that was not right and wants nothing to do with it.  She claims that she struggles with how to get rid of him because he can be pushy and persistent.  So she dances around it telling him she will call him later to get him to stop texting/calling, and then sending a message by not following through.  To me, I would have never even responded to his opening text when he announced who he was.  I would like her to value and defend our relationship in the same way.  With regards to staying the night at an ex's...that was a night of a huge blow up.  She was trying to leave extremely drunk in a vehicle we owned jointly.  When I tried to stop her she pulled out of the garage with me on the side of the vehicle.  I narrowly missed getting pinned between the car that the side of the garage opening.  In the midst of all this I did back-handed slap her face in a "wake up, what are you doing" manner.  Totally not ok for me to do, but I was in a panic and couldn't understand her behavior.  BTW...this was probably my first big encounter with her instability.  It was new to me, and she was willing to hurt me to leave in the car.  I handled it poorly, but she points to that back-hand as justification for going to an ex's house for the night.

Can I ask you your honest and unfiltered opinion of those to instances?  Am I stupid for believing her when she said she didn't do anything with her ex that night she stayed there?  Am I stupid to believe the other guy makes her feel awkward enough to this day that she has trouble in handling how to fight him off, or what manner to use?  I have a tendency to dig into details.  I see a text to him from her saying, "I am with someone who checks the phone bill.  Now is not a good time"...how is that not a "try again later statement"?  How is that making a stand to this guy to leave her alone?  Is she really too weak to make that stand, or am I just a gullible idiot who is blind to reality?

[Ozzie101]

I did see the post, yes. That's partly why I suggested you might want to think through what you want in a relationship.

Are you being stupid for believing her? I would never say someone was stupid. Misguided, perhaps. But is that the case here? I don't know. It does sound like she's given you reason to question her fidelity. I think a better question is: Do you really trust her? (think about that carefully)