Triggers Locked and Loaded How is your BPD disregulating for Valentine's Day?

[BasementDweller]

As we are all too familiar with - the holidays are "meltdown city" for BPD's. Valentine's Day might be particularly triggering, since it's all about love - a reeeeaaaal sore spot for those with emotional disregulation issues.

My dBPDbf has been markedly improved since mid December, (even getting through Christmas with nary a scratch) since starting EFT/Couples Therapy with me in early December. Yesterday, I bought the "fixins" for a nice V-Day dinner for tonight and brought a bouquet of flowers for him. I didn't make a big deal out of it. Just started unpacking everything and put the flowers in water. He was apprehensive but thankful, but later he started getting fussy, and tried to instigate a conflict based upon a fear he has that I am not going to have a good time at a dinner we have planned with another couple in March. (?) Obviously, this is a hypothetical fear of something that hasn't even happened, but I'm sure it's way less about that, and more about all the love in the air. ;-) I did not take the bait and went to bed instead.

I suspect he has insecurities that come out when there is some expectation upon him that he has to "do something right", and he fears failing, so he starts creating a wedge. It's as good a guess as any.

This morning when I said Happy Valentine's Day to him, the old "Mr. Grumpypants", dormant since December resurfaced, and he sullenly said, "Yeah right! It's not happy! You got all your ideas about romance from American movies! I'm not romantic!" (The irony is I hate watching movies, and I never do it, and he knows this damn well.)

It was almost comedic, but I stifled a laugh, and said "Oh, no baby! All that fine romance comes from me. I'll teach you how it's done when I get home from work!" And then I slapped him on the butt, and left. LOVINGLY! Not in a DV kinda way!

I suspect I will return home to one of the follwing:

1.) An angry drunk man.

2.) An empty house.

Either way, I may be preparing a fine meal from scratch of linguini and clams with white wine sauce, sparkling wine, and a strawberry cheesecake for myself! (One never knows with him - I could walk into anything.)

How's everyone else out there holding up? Any V-Day meltdowns to report? 

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[ortac77]

Had one yesterday - we had planned a meal out this evening, but yesterday morning he decided that he did not want to go and was very dysreguated, I knew this as soon as I said "good morning' to get the reply 'it isn't'. I should have just left it at that but having had a hard and stressful few days at work I made the mistake of reacting ( I manage not to most of the time but sometimes I fail).

Anyway it turned into an argument, I should have just walked away - I usually do. In a sense though after Vesuvius had erupted things settled down quickly with apologies on both sides. We are now going out as planned and I hope a pleasant evening results.

It reminded me that these events are always triggers and that BPD is like a 'pressure cooker' all that pent up emotion and suddenly they can take it no more, but also served to make me realise that (unconsciously) I suppose I was anticipating it (just as other events) and maybe the pressure of anticipation of an outburst was building in me too.

I am taking this on board - we usually do end up doing what is planned - holidays etc but there is alway this problem beforehand and I need to be more alert to this and not allow myself to be triggered by his emotional angry outbursts prior to the event

[pearlsw]

Oh BasementDweller!

You have really brought a smile to my face! That meal sounds great! I'm with you! I'd just make it for myself and make the best of things!

I got a V-day's eve divorce threat. I didn't take the bait. I said "okay". It is scheduled for Thursday of this week he says, with a "new lawyer". I guess he annoyed the heck out of the last one. He was just waiting to spring it on me, he says, after my return from a funeral, etc.

He has a job interview today (which I kindly helped him prep for) and he may also be getting a big court decision today - he's still fighting his ex-wife in court after 8 years. Despite all I do to comfort him and keep things calm, she seems to eat up most of his attention and focus... .and I get the blowback from that relationship too.  

I bought myself some treats on Monday so I'm covered for the "holiday" and not feeling at all disappointed. I am pretty good at managing expectations in life, thank goodness! And more importantly, meeting my own needs!  I'm just wanting to focus on my physical health and also concentrate on learning more about the things I can personally do to work with my own thoughts and emotions. It was nice last night when his cycle started that I did not panic and I stopped the JADE-ing pretty quickly as the insults and accusations began to fly. I just spent time listening to philosophical talks and finding a peaceful place inside of myself that he cannot violate.

I wish him well with his stuff today and am awaiting the merciful "gift" of a divorce if that is what I get this cycle.

wishing you a peaceful day! pearl.

[BasementDweller]

@ortac77 - "I knew this as soon as I said "good morning' to get the reply 'it isn't'." Wow. Yes.  That was my morning too. I sort of had to laugh, although it's very trying for all of us. You are right in the sense that I probably subconsciously guide in the triggering just by subtly already anticipating it. Maybe there is a change in my mood that he picks up on. I tried really hard not to react, but when he started getting dramatic about how I will probably "be miserable" at dinner in three weeks, I was just like "Are you serious right now?" I have to give him credit, though... .he has some really creative ways of stirring the pot when the urge strikes.   I'm glad that your plans kind of ironed out in the end. :-)

Pearlsw, I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing better at letting the ol' ":)T's" (Divorce Threats) roll off your back. I know it's hurtful, but sometimes not caving in to the drama is the best and only thing you can do. Sometimes trying to stay "regular" helps them re-regulate. I hope it blows over soon. 

[Enabler]

linguini and clams with white wine sauce, sparkling wine

Can I come?     

Butter or cream as a thickener for the sauce?

Enabler... .stop drooling 

[BasementDweller]

Butter and parmesan of course! ;-)

I think the only reason he is still around is my cooking. I suppose the chance of him being angry and drunk but still present for dinner is a good one, come to think of it. 

[Enabler]

At the very least we're useful! I'm default chef if I'm in the house around mealtimes.

[pearlsw]

Butter and parmesan of course! ;-)

I think the only reason he is still around is my cooking. I suppose the chance of him being angry and drunk but still present for dinner is a good one, come to think of it. 

I hear ya. I think because I am "the food lady" and he can't feed himself it is easier to keep me than toss me. But the winds change and he may go back to frozen pizzas and kick me into the streets. We'll see.

[Radcliff]

I suggest that if BasementDweller comes home to an empty home, any of us without plans hustle over there and help her eat linguine!  (I have sometimes wondered how fun it would be to have a big bpdfamily dinner sometime  )  BasementDweller, of course, we'd do all the cleanup!

BasementDweller, I admire your cool head, your empathy, your preparation to make it a nice day for both of you if he chooses to participate, and your readiness for whichever path your day takes!  A lesson in fine romance and a home cooked meal is about as compelling as an offer could get.  I know what I'd do

I just finished a late night grocery store run to buy chocolates and flowers for my two youngest daughters and my mom who will be with me tomorrow.  I am looking forward to a peaceful day.

WW

[BasementDweller]

"I hear ya. I think because I am "the food lady" and he can't feed himself it is easier to keep me than toss me. But the winds change and he may go back to frozen pizzas and kick me into the streets. We'll see." Pearlsw, I hear you there, and I often think the same about my situation. He is actually a decent cook, but ambition isn't his strong suit, so if left to his druthers, it's canned soup and pizza.

I think a BPD Family dinner would probably be both awesome and chaotic, since we are all mentally frazzled. Since many of us have a caregiver type role in our relatiosnhips, we are probably all really good cooks, though.  Enabler, you aren't alone in that role, I suspect!

WW, I try to keep a cool head and not react in the face of meltdowns, but I cave sometimes. Last night I really lost it a bit, because he started in on his "I can't live up to your standards! Go back to *****!" (A previous boyfriend of mine who was a wonderful man, but due to bad timing and long distance, we did not work out. We broke up 5 years ago, and he still throws this at me whenever he's upset.) I kind of had to do the tough love thing and tell him if he feels he's failing somewhere, then shape up! Not really the best retort. ;-)

If he's even in the house when I get there, I'll make it a nice night - with or without his cooperation. BUT... .my only fear is that today while we are both at work, he will roll it all over in his head, ruminate on whatever is upsetting him, and be a mess when I get home.

Your dinner plans sound nice, WW - I hope it all goes well!

[Enabler]

No communication at all on the cakes and card left for W and the kids this morning

https://www.patisserie-valerie.co.uk/individual-portions.aspx

I have a feeling I'm going to be non-existent today!

[BasementDweller]

Aw, I'm sorry to hear it! I think I might be invisible too. I don't know. The hardest thing for me with BPD is that they convince themselves of negative scenarios in their heads while we have NO idea what's spinning around in there. While they are approaching the eruption of a total mental frenzy - we haven't got the slightest idea that it's coming. At no point when I was happily preparing for V-Day yesterday did I think that he was somehow not living up to my "high standards"... .but he was probably dwelling on that fear all day. By the time I got home, he was already a mess... .and I wasn't even there when the tornado started in his head.

He's been way better since starting therapy, but this was a bit of a setback. Ah well. We have therapy again on Saturday. maybe I can convince him to put his worries aside until we can address them with our T.

[Enabler]

My situation is more "I hate you, you abused me, why are you not arranging the divorce I've demanded and why are you here?" So the ignoring me is her way of reinforcing that I'm not wanted... .until she feels ill later again in which case she will ask me nicely to fetch something for her.

[BasementDweller]

If she later asks you to fetch her one of the cakes, tell her you ate them all. 

[flourdust]

I suggest that if BasementDweller comes home to an empty home, any of us without plans hustle over there and help her eat linguine!

I'm in!  D12 and I made garlic bread last night, so I'll contribute that.

Valentine's Day marks the two year anniversary of my separation. (Yes, really.) And... .it started that day with "Good morning!" "How can you say that when you haven't fixed our problems?" 

I can    now, looking back at that.

For V-Day this year, I gave D12 a box of chocolates, and she surprised me with a heart-shaped lipop that she had been hiding in her room since last year for me.    That was sweet.

She's off to BPDxw's tonight, and I hope BPDxw can keep a lid on it, for D12's sake. When she comes back on Friday, I'm going to surprise her with homemade chocolate cherry lava cakes. I'm not a fan of V-Day, but I am a fan of making nice times with my daughter.

[Tattered Heart]

For V-Day this year, I gave D12 a box of chocolates, and she surprised me with a heart-shaped lipop that she had been hiding in her room since last year for me.    That was sweet.

She's off to BPDxw's tonight, and I hope BPDxw can keep a lid on it, for D12's sake. When she comes back on Friday, I'm going to surprise her with homemade chocolate cherry lava cakes. I'm not a fan of V-Day, but I am a fan of making nice times with my daughter.

THat is so incredibly sweet. My dad used to give us girls a box of chocolates and a card every year. It was special because my dad actually went out and picked the gifts out himself (instead of mom doing it). I miss this tradition so much now that he is gone. I'm sure she will treasure these memories of being loved by the man who will teach her how to love her future husband.

[flourdust]

I'm sure she will treasure these memories of being loved by the man who will teach her how to love her future husband.

That's very kind of you! In some ways, it seems like being a kid in a divorced family means living two different lives. I try to make the one she lives with me healthy.

[isilme]

We had a big blow up this past weekend, likely partly in reaction to predisposed fears about today... .and I will see how today pans out, and how moody he is tomorrow.

The hardest thing for me with BPD is that they convince themselves of negative scenarios in their heads while we have NO idea what's spinning around in there.

^^Bingo.  But somehow, it becomes our fault they had those scenarios in the first place. 

I hope everyone makes it through today and any aftermath as well as possible.  I got H a "man-jewelry-box" to hold his watches and sunglasses so they will no longer be able to be knocked about by our cats, and broken, like the watch I got him several Valentine's back that he wore to our wedding.  He went to wear it New Year's, and found it had taken a big fall off his dresser and the numbers had fallen off the face and was 'broken forever' (It cost me a whole $12 to get fixed).  He usually in recent years had been big on sending flowers, but there are no flower charges to the bank account, so we will see if he's decided to just not do anything or not. 

[BasementDweller]

I love hearing all these great things you are all doing with and for your families - whether you have a participating partner or not. It's still important, and nice, to make it fun for the kids. I don't get too mushy over Valentine's Day either, and I never really put much emphasis on it in the past, but having been single for a while by choice after I separated from my ex (prior to BPDbf) and also being an expat living overseas, I kinda miss some of the old traditions, and they mean more to me here than they did over there, if that makes sense. As weird as this is, even though my partner IS difficult, I treasure the time with him, and I really do try to get him to enjoy the holidays, and show him a different way than what he grew up with - a BPD mom and alco dad, and tons of drama and meltdowns every holiday, but not enough love.

It's good that you all are doing fun things with your kids. Holidays are rough with BPD families and it's nice to give the kids some pleasant experiences and memories besides a lot of bickering and drama. I hope everyone has a nice time, despite some of the challenges we may face. ;-)

To update: In a rare move, not often seen, BPDbf surprised me by picking me up at the office instead of me having to take the torturous hour long commute on crowded public transit. I was a bit worried, because I thought he was gonna drop some kind of bomb, as he usually doesn't offer to pick me up from work, and it's not really on his way. I got in the car and he was distant, and a bit snide about Valentine's Day being an "American Holiday"... .in other words, not too sentimetal.   He was sullen - but not horrible. We are home now and he has "asked for his space" which I heartily agreed to. His space is sitting on the sofa playing a video game about 5 metres from me. I'm in the kitchen about to start the cheesecake. I'd say this is better than expected.  He's a bit petulant now, so I'm going to go about my business and have fun, and hope he feels like he can too when dinner is ready. It's not ideal, but it's manageable. He's not being abusive or actively trying to ruin the night, so I'm relieved. Anything that's not a horrible display of drama is manageable. This is a baby step in the right direction, AFAIC. 

Isilme, I hope it goes ok! Best of luck. I think the man jewelry box is a nice idea!

[lighthouse9]

You've all inspired me to NOT cook for myself tonight and grab some excellent take out on the way home from counseling. Separated wife and I "check in" tonight again breaking our brief no contact. I'm getting impatient - she hasn't said if our time apart is a separation or if she's going to file for divorce. But, I'm also working on not putting pressure on her and just doing me. If all goes well today, I'll see an apartment I've been dying to see, so I can get on with my life through whatever this time apart is or isn't. I hadn't even considered that it being valentine's day might color what version of her I get on the phone tonight for the check in! Thanks for the warning

I have enough logistics to discuss tonight to keep up my end of the conversation. I'm kind of just letting her lead the way right now with these check ins. Who knows, maybe I'm getting divorce papers for valentine's day! woohoo!

BasementDweller, I'm going to pull a page from your book and just enjoy this day no matter what kind of person shows up on the phone for our check in. I love me, and I deserve take out

[mama-wolf]

My uBPDw texted me late last night (I had gone to bed and she was staying up as usual), that she planned to fix dinner for the family tonight to give me the "night off."  Yes, I typically do all the cooking, so it's a nice gesture.  Still, I'm left wondering "at what price?" which doesn't feel good at all.

I do plan to get her flowers this afternoon since I know she loves them, but I feel like I'm walking a tightrope of doing something nice (which I want to do) and not feeding into unrealistic expectations on her part.  She knows things are strained between us, but it feels like she wants to just brush it aside and have reassurance that "we're ok".

We do have a small gift and card for each of the kids from us as well.  I'm hoping that for their sake the evening will go smoothly.

[BasementDweller]

Lighthouse - you DO deserve take-out, and I really hope your night goes great, and the future is... .whatever it's meant to be. May you soon find some kind of peace and either a reparation of sorts, or a healthy new beginning.

Mama Wolf - I like your attitude! You're a bit worred about how it is going to go, but you're being positive, and making a nice gesture by showing up with flowers. I'm doing my own version of the same, and I'm determined to have a nice night, regardless. (Even when I was single, I loved cooking and would often make elaborate meals for myself, and sip champagne alone, and feel pretty damn good about it. Because I'm worth it dammit!) ;-) As are you.

I hope the whole BPD Family has as nice a V-Day as possible.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks BasementDweller!

I went ahead and bought myself an instrument that I've been dying to learn... .and I'll be sipping the amazing bottle of scotch my folks bought me for Christmas. Sounds like an amazing V day for sure. Treat yo self!

[Xanadu]

My Valentine's Day started first thing this morning with the following email from my BPD husband. I do want to clarify that last night our married daughter was helping me bake valentine cookies and was in on a conversation with my husband. We were discussing Valentines day and I mentioned that my husband wanted me to sit on the couch and watch wrestling with him... .then our daughter mentioned she was buying pizza for her family for valentines dinner and asked if he wanted some, of course he didn't and we teased that maybe he would just have to pick up something on the way home for his dinner. We should have stopped there... .

My husband had finally gone to a foot doc yesterday after I insisted he go and he was told he has a broken toe. So we were kidding about when he is sick or out of commision, he can't do anything and I made the comment that when I am sick or down, he still expects me to do my duties as usual... .he went off to bed and I had no idea how upset he was. I did have a feeling I needed to go and apologize for what I said, but I just finished the cookies and went to bed. (We sleep in separate rooms, for a number of reasons... .one being he sets the tv to go off 1 or 2 hours after he goes to bed, and I can't sleep with it on for so long.)

So the following is his email to me this morning:

Guess What?  You're wish last night will be granted.  I am fixing my own dinner.  You have found a way to get me out of your life.  Last night you acted and sounded just like your mother.  Guess what I want the f___ Out.    I have 2 words for you.  F___ YOU!(he spelled it out)

After reading this, I cringed and got the usual sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I felt very sorry for what I had said, although I think most people would respond in a different way like... ."you hurt my feelings when you said this... ." I replied to his email and said I was sorry for saying hurtful things and wouldn't blame him for being angry. He hasn't responded and from past experience, he will be in the no talking ANGRY mode tonight when I get home!

I found some hope when I read here on BPD Family to ":)on't take it personal" I am trying to do that and step back and not try to figure out what to do to make things better and repair the damage I have done.

Do I not say anything?

[isilme]

You already apologized - I find that what works best for us is forme to simply do my best to act like nothing happened after that.  I'd come home, treat him the same as if nothing happened.  I think sometimes, they WANT a fight, and not giving it to them makes them take a step back, and helps push the "reset" button.  I don't know if that makes sense, but no - it's a dead horse at this point.  I'd go about my day and take care of dinner however I'd already planned, and give him bland responses to any baiting, or simply "not hear" them as much as I can, and see if he decides the ramping up for a fight is a no go. 

[pearlsw]

I got these Valentine's sentiments:

"Honestly I am involved with somebody else right now. I want you to know that before I start dating her. I don’t want to do something behind your back."

He has used these things over the course of the years... .it's a classic.

This may or may not be true, who knows. I think he just wants to try to make me feel his pain. I actually feel compassion and sadness that he is suffering so.  

my love to all here!  

[Xanadu]

You already apologized - I find that what works best for us is forme to simply do my best to act like nothing happened after that.  I'd come home, treat him the same as if nothing happened.  I think sometimes, they WANT a fight, and not giving it to them makes them take a step back, and helps push the "reset" button.  I don't know if that makes sense, but no - it's a dead horse at this point.  I'd go about my day and take care of dinner however I'd already planned, and give him bland responses to any baiting, or simply "not hear" them as much as I can, and see if he decides the ramping up for a fight is a no go. 

You are right isilme, I know the best thing to do is to move on and not agonize over the situation. I just hate getting these crazy texts and emails from him. I need to take a deep breath and let go!

Thanks for the reminder 

[GaGrl]

THat is so incredibly sweet. My dad used to give us girls a box of chocolates and a card every year. It was special because my dad actually went out and picked the gifts out himself (instead of mom doing it). I miss this tradition so much now that he is gone. I'm sure she will treasure these memories of being loved by the man who will teach her how to love her future husband.

So sweet... .my dad also had chocolates for my sister and me each year (not as big a box as Mom got, of course!).

[Xanadu]

I got these Valentine's sentiments:

"Honestly I am involved with somebody else right now. I want you to know that before I start dating her. I don’t want to do something behind your back."

He has used these things over the course of the years... .it's a classic.

This may or may not be true, who knows. I think he just wants to try to make me feel his pain. I actually feel compassion and sadness that he is suffering so.  

my love to all here!  

Wow! What insight! I need to work on the compassion. Over the years I have become disconnected and not very lovable. Thank you and love right back to you!

[pearlsw]

Wow! What insight! I need to work on the compassion. Over the years I have become disconnected and not very lovable. Thank you and love right back to you!

Thanks Roxzan, Much appreciated!