Other NONS don't get it

[mywifecrazy]

I keep getting advice from well-intentioned friends, family and acquaintances telling me I need to jump into a new relationship. Like this is going to somehow make me happy and forget everything I've been through.

To me this is such unsound advice. I tried to explain to them that I need to make myself happy first before I can even think about being in a another relationship. After all this was my problem in the first place rushing into a relationship head over heels not looking at all the red-flags  that were in front of me.

I have to be honest for the first time in my life I am truly in a place where I want to be healthy for me not anyone else! I will not subject myself or any future girlfriend/wife until I am 100% healthy! And when I am 100% healthy I hd a much better chance of being with someone else who is 100% healthy.  IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY!

[corraline]

I totally understand this mywifecrazy.  My friends and family talk about meeting someone new and everything will be ok then.  I know i will probably do that one day but i agree with you ,having a healthy relationship with yourself first is priority.  Right now i feel too vulnerable .  I know that it would only be to self soothe my feelings of loneliness and pain. That would not be good for me and it would not be good for anyone that i would be involved with.

[myself]

Not sure there is 100%. We all have things to work on. The closer the better though. You're heading in the right direction. You'll know when you get there. It's your life, no one else's.

[refusetosuccumb]

I love my new found freedom, only focusing on myself and the children.  Granted, it's only been 5 weeks since we moved out but the past week people have been asking about me moving on.  This IS moving on, to me. 

I intend to enjoy the summer, nurture my relationships with my friends and family.  Only once I'm feeling healthier will I explore other options.  I won't close any doors but I'm certainly not rushing out to find someone else.

I'm 37, I've been in a relationship since I was 16.  I need to find ME!  Only then can I learn the right kind of guy that works for my life.

[woodsposse]

 

I tried the moving on to a new r/s before I was ready.  It was a good r/s, for the most part, but I know (unfortunately) I wasn't all in.  How could I be?  I got into fostered that r/s very shortly after me and my  (now) ex wife split.  I was a mess.

But that was 18 months ago.  It's been a very long almost two years since me and my wife split - and coming up on a 9 months since I last saw her.  Since then, I really have come to understand living with someone with a PD.  Not saying that I'm 100% in my head (I certainly have some messed stuff lurking around in my head) - which made a lot of my reactions to the chaos make situations... . not pretty at times.

My (now) ex girlfriend helped me in more ways than she can know (even though we split up).  There may have been a lot of red flags that our r/s may not make it - but there were so many other things about her... . just by the fact she was totally different than my wife... . which helped calm me down a lot.

Red flag or not - maybe I just wasn't really ready to 'get back into' it.  Yes I wanted companionship and did love being with her.  But as I integrated into her family life a bit more... . I was  just feeling a bit uncomfortable.  Like a fear of going 'back to' a domestic situation which I just left... . and I just wanted to not be domestic again.  

I wanted to go out, see movies, have dinner, spend some 'alone time' together... . But really building a long term life together... . so soon after getting the crap beat out of me in a 20 year relationship?  I think it really did un-nerve me

[Emelie Emelie]

No, they don't get it.  Very shortly after my first break up with my xBPDbf I started dating a really terrific guy.  Had I met him at another point in my life I think I would have been over the moon.  I wasn't ready.  Was still totally hung up on my xBF.  Ended up getting back together with my xBF.  This time I have no interest in dating.  This time I need to heal. 

[kfifd196]

I'm in the same boat, but am trying to save my marriage.  I know down deep, my uBPD wife truly loves me, but she SPLIT and now I am hated more than anything,  She's trying to destroy me.  No one in my family, friends, etc understand it, not even my lawyer.  There is nothing I can do and it's gotten to a point, that she is making false accusations against me and doing all she can to destroy my life.  In my opinion, she is taking out ALL of her pent up anger she's had for 30 years, against her father, that abandoned and abused her.  I am the first STABLE man in her life, whom she married and had a child with.  She was abandoned many times by boyfriends, including one she was expecting a baby with.  He convinced her to have an abortion and then abandoned her, while she was in the hospital, which only made her issues worse!  It sucks that no one else gets it, because if they did (including her parents, whom I am not allowed to talk to due to her false allegations) they'd be able to help her!  I think she's afraid I know too much about her and she doesn't want anyone knowing how 'crazy' she really is, so she blames me, devalues me etc and i can't defend myself.  So she goes on, as if it's everyone else's fault.  If only others "Got It"... .

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBF doesn't want anyone else to know how "crazy" he is either.  So he blames me.  Makes me out to be the "crazy" one, selfish one, unreasonable one, etc.  It's all my fault. 

What happens if you do save your marriage?  Do you think you could be happy with her?

[kfifd196]

Yes, I believe we can be happy again.  She was so in love with me and I have all of the love notes, her vows, emails, texts, etc saying so.  She even just gave me a box with indiviually folded pieces of paper, hand written, that were 365 reasons why she loved me, then shortly after, she wants me out of her life and says I was the worst relationship she ever had, etc etc etc... .   I honestly think, if she gets stable again, we can talk and I can get her parents on my side as well.  She has EVERY symptom of BPD.  I feel like every chapter in Stop Walking On Eggshells, is about her!

I love her more than anything, but it hurts so much, to see her filled with so much hurt and pain.

I never fought or argued with her, except after hours of her accusing me of being a cheater, porn addict, liar, etc.  It wasn't till I went through her laptop one day, that I saw SHE was on pornsites and I wondered if she was cheating as well... . PROJECTION.  She was projecting everything else she was doing, on me, as well.  She even said I was passive agressive and it would take years for me to "be healed"... . Looking back, I think she really was talking about herself.  I even went to a therapist to appease her and the T said "what are you doing here... . there's nothing wrong with you!"  He said my responses to her allegations, were normal and not passive aggressive!

She is also the mother of our 1 year old and we BOTH wanted her to grow up in a nuclear family, esp since my wife didn't have that.  We had an amazing life, except when she accused me of things or felt abandoned, invalidated and lonely.  I can't tell you how many times she wanted me to come home from work cause she was lonely or if I didn't text back in 5 minutes, she laid into me. (she sent me 30,000 texts in a year! and would be furious if I didn't reply quick or god forbid was on Facebook for a second before responding to her!).  Then I would get blamed, for getting mad, that SHE was mad and making a big deal about not being able to respond quickly. 

[woodsposse]

Yes, I believe we can be happy again.  She was so in love with me and I have all of the love notes, her vows, emails, texts, etc saying so.  She even just gave me a box with indiviually folded pieces of paper, hand written, that were 365 reasons why she loved me, then shortly after, she wants me out of her life and says I was the worst relationship she ever had, etc etc etc... .   I honestly think, if she gets stable again, we can talk and I can get her parents on my side as well.  She has EVERY symptom of BPD.  I feel like every chapter in Stop Walking On Eggshells, is about her!

I love her more than anything, but it hurts so much, to see her filled with so much hurt and pain.

I never fought or argued with her, except after hours of her accusing me of being a cheater, porn addict, liar, etc.  It wasn't till I went through her laptop one day, that I saw SHE was on pornsites and I wondered if she was cheating as well... . PROJECTION.  She was projecting everything else she was doing, on me, as well.  She even said I was passive agressive and it would take years for me to "be healed"... . Looking back, I think she really was talking about herself.  I even went to a therapist to appease her and the T said "what are you doing here... . there's nothing wrong with you!"  He said my responses to her allegations, were normal and not passive aggressive!

She is also the mother of our 1 year old and we BOTH wanted her to grow up in a nuclear family, esp since my wife didn't have that.  We had an amazing life, except when she accused me of things or felt abandoned, invalidated and lonely.  I can't tell you how many times she wanted me to come home from work cause she was lonely or if I didn't text back in 5 minutes, she laid into me. (she sent me 30,000 texts in a year! and would be furious if I didn't reply quick or god forbid was on Facebook for a second before responding to her!).  Then I would get blamed, for getting mad, that SHE was mad and making a big deal about not being able to respond quickly. 

I totally understand how you are feeling and the frustration (and pain) involved.  These types of relationships are very rough and sometimes very difficult to wrap your head around, especially when there are children involved.

May I suggest, if you hadn't already, if you are trying to stay in the relationship - maybe some of the good folks over on the Staying Board may have some useful sharings which may help you better equip yourself with tools to navigate these waters.

I know I tried my hardest to stay in and repair my marriage - but that was before coming to this board with all the excellent support and understanding.  During that time in my life I wasn't fully aware of the effects of any personality disorder (let alone BPD).  Maybe had I gotten the information in my head sooner... .

But that ship has sailed for her and I.

How are you handling these situations with your little one?

[Infared]

I agree with everyone who says they need time to heal AND work on themselves after one of these relationships. First of all, most of us had/have an unhealthy part in that dance and the is also the toxic aftershock to work thru.  Lots of emotional damage occurs.  

There is a lot of healthy awareness on this thread. It keeps me sane.

As far as nons opinions go... . My BPD was cute and the most unbelievable liar and manipulator. Everyone believes her and I was skeptical of me... . she sets everything up as only an evil genius can... . One of the reasons I was able to go NC was just to throw in the towel as I saw all the people she had swayed with her subtrifuge... . it was futile for me to try to convince them that she cheated and lied, etc... . it was just better to try to move on. It is tough to have loved someone soo much and then to occasionally see that evil look on her face as if to say, "I guess I showed you!".  (... and I'm thinking "but, I loved you?". It's heartbreaking.

Regular people really can't  imagine what is actually behind that facade... . they are played like innocent children by the BPD.

The whole mess takes time to recover from!  GOD BLESS the BPD relationships with children involved.

[mywifecrazy]

As far as nons opinions go... . My BPD was cute and the most unbelievable liar and manipulator. Everyone believes her and I was skeptical of me... . she sets everything up as only an evil genius can.  Regular people really can't  imagine what is actually behind that facade... . they are played like innocent children by the BPD.

Well said. They ARE Evil in that regard! That's what other NON's don't get. Just like WE didn't get before coming here. I just never thought a person could be so purposely CRUEL. It blows a persons mind away if you try to RATIONALIZE their actions as if they are a sane person! I'm in the midst of watching my uBPDxw trying her best to DESTROY everyone's life around her... Me, her kids, her Mother, sister, etc, etc. even the new r/s (poor ass) has NO IDEA the CRAZY TRAIN he just boarded.

The whole mess takes time to recover from!  GOD BLESS the BPD relationships with children involved.

Man you have no idea what's it's like to have kids with them. I feel sorry for my kids. I was able to SURVIVE her and get a divorce. My kids are stuck with having her as their mother the rest of their lives. It's such a HELPLESS feeling seeing how she even manipulates her own children with her tears and VICTIMHOOD to get them to feel sorry for her. Then when she's SOOTHED she blows them off for her new r/s. As a loving Dad it just KILLS you to know that your kids are in this SH*T STORM because you were unhealthy a made such a HORRIBLE decision years ago... .  I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE!

[woodsposse]

As far as nons opinions go... . My BPD was cute and the most unbelievable liar and manipulator. Everyone believes her and I was skeptical of me... . she sets everything up as only an evil genius can.  Regular people really can't  imagine what is actually behind that facade... . they are played like innocent children by the BPD.

Well said. They ARE Evil in that regard! That's what other NON's don't get. Just like WE didn't get before coming here. I just never thought a person could be so purposely CRUEL. It blows a persons mind away if you try to RATIONALIZE their actions as if they are a sane person! I'm in the midst of watching my uBPDxw trying her best to DESTROY everyone's life around her... Me, her kids, her Mother, sister, etc, etc. even the new r/s (poor ass) has NO IDEA the CRAZY TRAIN he just boarded.

The whole mess takes time to recover from!  GOD BLESS the BPD relationships with children involved.

Man you have no idea what's it's like to have kids with them. I feel sorry for my kids. I was able to SURVIVE her and get a divorce. My kids are stuck with having her as their mother the rest of their lives. It's such a HELPLESS feeling seeing how she even manipulates her own children with her tears and VICTIMHOOD to get them to feel sorry for her. Then when she's SOOTHED she blows them off for her new r/s. As a loving Dad it just KILLS you to know that your kids are in this SH*T STORM because you were unhealthy a made such a HORRIBLE decision years ago... .  I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE!

That is one part of this whole thing which still tears me apart at times - it's my kids.  Their biological mom is just a cruel piece of work.  And their step mom, turned out to be very BPD and in the end the damage she caused is so well "hidden" - either it really didn't happen... . or I'm the only one who cares (and trust me... . it happened).

All I know is sometimes it is difficult for me to move forward when issues with the kids come up.  But I take it day by day.

[refusetosuccumb]

Children can be very resilient when armed with (age appropriate) information and tools to use. 

I have 2 children (10 and 7) with my ex.  I have had them in therapy for the past 2 yrs.  It's amazing how powerful it is to give them names for feelings and an understanding (early on) that daddy is ill and it's not their fault at all.  They have been given permission to be kids, that it isn't their job to make mommy or daddy happy.  Their job is to become wonderful, compassionate and strong adults (hopefully with better boundaries that I had)

My own therapist has given me terrific tools to help them process this.  In my case, the last 2yrs with my ex have been very volatile.  The kids know chaos all too well.  Our new place is peaceful, no yelling aloud (we all had enough of that!) we talk about our feelings and process stuff.  It's not perfect, my 10 yr old tends to resort to hitting his wall when he's really upset, but we are slowly learning to channel those feelings better. My 7yr old gets angry sometimes, but we identify the cause and know it's temporary.

My ex has seen the kids twice since we split (5.5 wks ago).  He seldom calls.  When he does call, I notice the kids get more clingy and irritable.  But the fact is is that THIS is their dad and yes I feel responsible for bringing them into this.  But at the same (selfish) time, my kids are my world and I'm blessed to have them.  Despite everything bad.  Now, at least, they get more of their dad's good behavior than bad.

Peace to us all.