Wife with undiagnosed BPD left me spectacularly

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, thought I'd post as reading the comments here have really struck home.
I have been with my ex for almost 21 years, married for 14. We have two beautiful children together, aged 5 and 8.
Recently, when I flew halfway across the world on a business trip, she told me the day before she wanted a divorce. She had threatened this a year prior, but after a discussion I agreed to change the things that she was annoyed about, and I voiced my own concerns about things I wasn't happy about either.
5hings would get better, albeit briefly. She would be dismissive about my feelings as if they didn't exist at all. She also became less and less invested in me as a person, whilst I would try to make her happy at every occasion.
She was unable to discuss her feelings in any depth. Any attempt would be met by her default emotion. Anger.
She has had quite a rough upbringing. She ran away to the country where I met her to avoid the memories of her past.
Friends she would discard, over the slightest things regardless of how many years she had been with them.
Her world view was very delusional. If some neighbour said something criticising, such as saying the lawn grass was long, she instantly assumed they were spying on her and she would almost hate them for it. This lead to eventually becoming isolated from the area we lived due to this.
She would be incredibly friendly to them, overly so, but when at home alone the mask would slip and she would explain that she hated the area.
We moved into the new area 6 years ago, but she made it apparent she hated it. The house we bought was fantastic, but she would always complain about it. Nothing was good about it at all. Every problem became unsurmountable.
During this time she was classed as having severe anxiety. She went on ssri's (namely cetraline) to help with this and attended therapy. She stopped this without anyone knowing.
Self medication began, namely alcohol and cannabis. She said it helped her, but she never drank or smoked to extreme levels.
She also believed the neighbours (who are geriatrics) were spying on her. That their garden lights were cameras etc.
Last February she stopped her prescribed medication, as she felt it stopped her feeling the highs in life.
During her angry outbursts (which could be caused by anything, a towel left where it shouldn't be, or if I bought something and nothing for her) she would say the most horrendous things, such as she wanted sex, just not with me. Anything hurtful. I would talk to her and say I loved her, and that she was hurting me. That I would always love her. She would say "why? I'm so horrible to you" and we would make up.
She had periods where she was morose and unresponsive. She would almost re-write our history to focus solely on the negative. I assumed it was her anxiety and possible depression causing this.
If we were out she would always be happy, bubbly and friendly. At home the opposite (although she would be loving one day, angry the next). I would talk to her in the morning wondering which version I would get that day.
She once flew off the handle and physically assaulted me because she saw a girl I knew from school liked a post on Facebook. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone female.
I was the main breadwinner and would pay for everything. Not that it bothered me, we were a team. It was her money as much as mine. But she felt resentful asking me for any, and said it cheapened her. So if just put money into her account monthly to stop her worrying. It was never enough.
The day before my trip she told me we were over. I flew halfway across the world in complete shock.
I arrived at my destination, turned on my phone and I had a message from my father. She had been hospitalised overnight with "emotional issues". I instantly was worried for her and the kids and rushed back.
When I landed, I was arrested under some serious allegations. Rape, ABH and control and coersion. All unfounded, but because of the allegations I was stopped going back to the house I pay for (I still do) and contacting her at all.
During the next few days, she text me saying she was scared. That neighbours have been coming over and I should come over. I was shocked.
Social services got involved, as she was staying at hotels with the kids to avoid our home. They were repeatedly late for school so the teachers became concerned and contacted them.
I was living with my elderly mother as I had nowhere else to go. I still am.
My father believed her stories. They had always been close. He did however start allowing me to see the children at alloted times my brilliant lawyers secured for me. But after a while he realised her story kept changing so pulled away to not get involved.
She effectively locked me out of my life and told me she never wanted to see me again.
I started seeing a therapist to cope with the grief of it all. I stupidly tried to contact her to say I forgive her, and we need to work together for the sake of our kids. I was arrested for harassment.
I'm just shocked at it all. How someone can implode so violently and not even think about the impact on the children. I'm probably not going to see them over Christmas because of it all.
The kids are confused. I feel distraught and upset with losing the love of my life. I'm mourning the loss of the life I had, and I'm in just disbelief that this has happened.
I was always her rock. Her caregiver. Yet she has discarded me like I meant nothing to her.

[LappelDuVide]

Hi all, thought I'd post as reading the comments here have really struck home.
I have been with my ex for almost 21 years, married for 14. We have two beautiful children together, aged 5 and 8.
Recently, when I flew halfway across the world on a business trip, she told me the day before she wanted a divorce. She had threatened this a year prior, but after a discussion I agreed to change the things that she was annoyed about, and I voiced my own concerns about things I wasn't happy about either.
5hings would get better, albeit briefly. She would be dismissive about my feelings as if they didn't exist at all. She also became less and less invested in me as a person, whilst I would try to make her happy at every occasion.
She was unable to discuss her feelings in any depth. Any attempt would be met by her default emotion. Anger.
She has had quite a rough upbringing. She ran away to the country where I met her to avoid the memories of her past.
Friends she would discard, over the slightest things regardless of how many years she had been with them.
Her world view was very delusional. If some neighbour said something criticising, such as saying the lawn grass was long, she instantly assumed they were spying on her and she would almost hate them for it. This lead to eventually becoming isolated from the area we lived due to this.
She would be incredibly friendly to them, overly so, but when at home alone the mask would slip and she would explain that she hated the area.
We moved into the new area 6 years ago, but she made it apparent she hated it. The house we bought was fantastic, but she would always complain about it. Nothing was good about it at all. Every problem became unsurmountable.
During this time she was classed as having severe anxiety. She went on ssri's (namely cetraline) to help with this and attended therapy. She stopped this without anyone knowing.
Self medication began, namely alcohol and cannabis. She said it helped her, but she never drank or smoked to extreme levels.
She also believed the neighbours (who are geriatrics) were spying on her. That their garden lights were cameras etc.
Last February she stopped her prescribed medication, as she felt it stopped her feeling the highs in life.
During her angry outbursts (which could be caused by anything, a towel left where it shouldn't be, or if I bought something and nothing for her) she would say the most horrendous things, such as she wanted sex, just not with me. Anything hurtful. I would talk to her and say I loved her, and that she was hurting me. That I would always love her. She would say "why? I'm so horrible to you" and we would make up.
She had periods where she was morose and unresponsive. She would almost re-write our history to focus solely on the negative. I assumed it was her anxiety and possible depression causing this.
If we were out she would always be happy, bubbly and friendly. At home the opposite (although she would be loving one day, angry the next). I would talk to her in the morning wondering which version I would get that day.
She once flew off the handle and physically assaulted me because she saw a girl I knew from school liked a post on Facebook. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone female.
I was the main breadwinner and would pay for everything. Not that it bothered me, we were a team. It was her money as much as mine. But she felt resentful asking me for any, and said it cheapened her. So if just put money into her account monthly to stop her worrying. It was never enough.
The day before my trip she told me we were over. I flew halfway across the world in complete shock.
I arrived at my destination, turned on my phone and I had a message from my father. She had been hospitalised overnight with "emotional issues". I instantly was worried for her and the kids and rushed back.
When I landed, I was arrested under some serious allegations. Rape, ABH and control and coersion. All unfounded, but because of the allegations I was stopped going back to the house I pay for (I still do) and contacting her at all.
During the next few days, she text me saying she was scared. That neighbours have been coming over and I should come over. I was shocked.
Social services got involved, as she was staying at hotels with the kids to avoid our home. They were repeatedly late for school so the teachers became concerned and contacted them.
I was living with my elderly mother as I had nowhere else to go. I still am.
My father believed her stories. They had always been close. He did however start allowing me to see the children at alloted times my brilliant lawyers secured for me. But after a while he realised her story kept changing so pulled away to not get involved.
She effectively locked me out of my life and told me she never wanted to see me again.
I started seeing a therapist to cope with the grief of it all. I stupidly tried to contact her to say I forgive her, and we need to work together for the sake of our kids. I was arrested for harassment.
I'm just shocked at it all. How someone can implode so violently and not even think about the impact on the children. I'm probably not going to see them over Christmas because of it all.
The kids are confused. I feel distraught and upset with losing the love of my life. I'm mourning the loss of the life I had, and I'm in just disbelief that this has happened.
I was always her rock. Her caregiver. Yet she has discarded me like I meant nothing to her.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome- that's a brutal story and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  How long ago did all of this happen?  And have you thought about seeing a therapist yet?  There's quite a bit to unpack there.

[fulafe]

I am sorry you're experiencing this. I actually went through a horrible divorce experience with my ex-wife (non-BPD) in which she lied and tried to ruin me in order to get the house, kids, a nice check.

My next relationship was with a BPD, so that's what I am on here for.

But, your description of the last year or so leading up to her announcement and then the dirty tactics that followed hit home. Women can be extremely vicious when they want out and they want the children and your money. It was as if I was meeting a horrible person for the first time. This was not my wife! Or so I thought. Maybe it was in her the whole time and I ignored or didn't see it.

But I felt discarded, betrayed, used too. I gave my ex so many things, so many sacrifices and I just wanted things to be divided fairly. She wanted everything for herself. It was a terrible 6 month period of time.

My advice is to stay strong. Don't beg, don't give in to her lies. Hold the line, understand that she may drag it out and try to manipulate you. It's over. She showed you. Don't forget that, no matter what.

Remember what she is capable of. Always remind yourself of it. Even if she contacts you. Ignore her. She is a wolf in sheep's clothing, it's clear.

Stand up for yourself and recognize that you are way better off. Your life will get better.

I wish you all the best, man. These things suck when kids are involved. But, know that you are not the first and won't be the last. There are many of us out here who have survived - and thrived - after an ordeal like this.

[kells76]

Hi LappelDuVide, just want to add my voice to welcome you to the group.

Breakups with a pwBPD can be beyond painful. These aren't "run of the mill" relationships, and the way they end often aren't normal range either.

False allegations sadly aren't uncommon, especially when kids are involved.

Not sure if you have seen it yet -- we have a section for divorce/custody posts, too. You are more than welcome to post and read both here and there.

It can be really difficult when there are two parallel things going on at once: one is the unraveling of your relationship and grief over that loss; the other is working to be part of your kids' lives. Like Pook075 mentioned, a good therapist can be incredibly important for that first thread. In terms of the second, have you contacted any lawyers yet?

Fill us in on how you're doing;

kells76

[CravingPeace]

So very sorry you are going through this. What concerns me is a lot of what happened before you were discarded matches my story. I was idealized at the start and have been mostly devalued for nearly 16 years. Nothing I do is ever enough, I never make her feel special, or loved, I am selfish, I am thoughtless etc etc she went on sertraline too a few years ago as" I made her depressed." I also went on it as I felt so low about the situation. For some reason I had a mental block and couldn't see her to be the issue for the longest time, I blamed everything else in my life.

During her angry outbursts (which could be caused by anything, a towel left where it shouldn't be, or if I bought something and nothing for her) she would say the most horrendous things, such as she wanted sex, just not with me

In front of my other kids she once said "I want another child just not with your father". It really stung. I am the sole breadwinner, do everything I can around the home and definately share parenting, to say this was very cruel. She then pressured me into another child a few months later by first saying it was selfish of me to deny her, then she was miserable and silent treating me saying she was morning the loss of a child. And then by pretending she really wanted to change things and get sexual with me, she had been rejecting me over a decade. She got pregnant right away as had stopped taking the pill. I mean I knew she had stopped as I had found some in the trash, but due to age she kept saying she would never get pregnant and I was frankly craving and desperate for sex, so one time I just went with it. Even then though she just lay there, expected me to do everything when I slowed down to last longer, said "what are you doing hurry up"........ I realised later she was ovulating at exactly that time. Previously like ten years ago she would go straight to the bathroom after, but this time she just lay there after I guess to increase chance of pregnancy.

Anyway this isn't about me its about you, but I thought I would share this as you are far from alone. My Advice is do whatever you can to make yourself happy, do guilt free activities, see friends, see family, and as I am sure you are do everything for your children's interests. It would break my heart not to see them , particularily at Christmas so I really hope you get to.

Wishing you peace and healing.