Why did she leave a so much important stuff?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have nicely turned the corner on feeling better after my BPD fiance's 'disappearing act'. She left without warning, broke up via text, blocked me from every imaginable method of contact and I have not heard from her in 3 months.

Some lingering questions remain about her actions. She had just moved in and was living with me 3 weeks prior to her disappearing act. She left a large quantity of property at my house. Some of it was valueless junk but some of it was highly valuable. In my possession is a large steamer trunk full of things that were HIGHLY personal; her sons cub scout uniform and merit badges, baby shoes and clothing, her HS cap and gown, family heirloom jewelry, personal letters from members of her family, etc. Its full of the kind of stuff that you run into a burning building to collect.

While it might be explained that she simply just forgot to take it with her in the rush to move out while I was away, I have made it known to her family that it was here and she has made no attempt to collect it (or contact me). Is the avoidance of pain/shame worth losing this stuff? Or is this a safety line to make contact in the next recycle attempt (in the past, she has used some 'unfinished business' matter to re-initiate contact)? Anyone else have something like this happen?

One other thing; she had also kept our engagement ring (even though it was without value. I bought a cheap band for her to wear while the permanent one was being made). She also took down sappy greeting cards that she had given to me that I hung up on the fridge. I thought that that was odd as well.

[JRT]

I have nicely turned the corner on feeling better after my BPD fiance's 'disappearing act'. She left without warning, broke up via text, blocked me from every imaginable method of contact and I have not heard from her in 3 months.

Some lingering questions remain about her actions. She had just moved in and was living with me 3 weeks prior to her disappearing act. She left a large quantity of property at my house. Some of it was valueless junk but some of it was highly valuable. In my possession is a large steamer trunk full of things that were HIGHLY personal; her sons cub scout uniform and merit badges, baby shoes and clothing, her HS cap and gown, family heirloom jewelry, personal letters from members of her family, etc. Its full of the kind of stuff that you run into a burning building to collect.

While it might be explained that she simply just forgot to take it with her in the rush to move out while I was away, I have made it known to her family that it was here and she has made no attempt to collect it (or contact me). Is the avoidance of pain/shame worth losing this stuff? Or is this a safety line to make contact in the next recycle attempt (in the past, she has used some 'unfinished business' matter to re-initiate contact)? Anyone else have something like this happen?

One other thing; she had also kept our engagement ring (even though it was without value. I bought a cheap band for her to wear while the permanent one was being made). She also took down sappy greeting cards that she had given to me that I hung up on the fridge. I thought that that was odd as well.

[Pou]

JRT, perhaps there is another person in the picture.  Sometimes, when someone is infatuated with a new person… she tends to abandon all the past very quickly.  After a while, she will come back and start to sort things out.  I am sorry about what you are going through, but I guess this happens when we meet the wrong person.  What you described sounded one of my ex who I was with for a long time.  When she met someone new, she would drop everything and not really bother to break up with me first … it was bizarre, but she was not a PD.  She self-diagnosed and later with help of a therapist to determine that she had depression and bipolar.  PDs are a totally different ball game.  N/BPDs do all the crazy things and yet they don't want you to leave due to fear of abandonment and they will step up in their abusive tactics if you threaten to leave.  Your fiancé has left the apartment… safe to say that perhaps, you should consider yourself lucky before marriage and having kids together.  Best luck to you. 

[JRT]

Thanks Pou... .I suppose that anything is possible as far as another person is concerned but for this reason and that, I would be very surprised if that were the case.

The odd thing is that she took a truckload of furniture, clothing and appliances with her. Those had less or no emotional importance in comparison to the trunk full of personal mementos.  If your theory were true, I would think that she would have left the greeting cards and ring rather than take them with her. 

My suspicion with her is that she did this (and some other things) to serve as a 'lifeline' back as she had when she recycled before, maintaining a 'purpose' to contact me that was 'legitimate' other than to explain herself. It almost feels like she ran away just so that she can go and 'get her head together' without the normal persons explanation. Except, that this time there WAS so much scorched earth and its been 3 months; much longer then previous recycle episodes.

[Waddams]

You never know why PD'd people do what they do.  That's the nature of insanity, there's no logic or rational sense behind it all.  Chances are you won't ever figure it out.

In your place, I'd simply find some family member of hers and drop the stuff off with them, or ship it to them.  Eliminate the potential for her to attempt to use the stuff as an excuse to begin a recycling campaign.

[Pou]

You never know why PD'd people do what they do.  That's the nature of insanity, there's no logic or rational sense behind it all.  Chances are you won't ever figure it out.

In your place, I'd simply find some family member of hers and drop the stuff off with them, or ship it to them.  Eliminate the potential for her to attempt to use the stuff as an excuse to begin a recycling campaign.

Waddams, true, true.  JRT... .I would take Waddams's advice... .however, from your writing, it sounds to me that you are not completely over her.  which is normal... .and if you are in a normal relationship, I would not be too concerned.  However, you are in a PD relationship, so I would pack her things up and remove everything about her out of your place.  Keep distance and a strong boundary.  You need to worry about getting drag back in ... .unless you want a life of pain and drama.  I think I am older than you, so listen from an old dog ... .sometimes it is better to be alone then having someone to make you feel worthless all the time.  I do very well beating on myself already and I really don't need a partner on making it worse.  I believe most people are the same.  Good luck and consider yourself lucky that now you have a way out.  

[JRT]

Thanks for your words and advice... .

you know, the funny thing is that I felt that I had a very good 2 years with her... .albeit that she had some quirks (that ended up being manifestations of BPD)... .she might qualify as a waif or someone who has a mild case, dunno... .but she did not act out... .the most stressful part of our relationship was her son. As children go, they are a reflection of who were are - this kid was a real mess; a petulant and out of control 6 year old in a 18 year olds body... .I never had the classic acting our that define most of what I have been reading about

Granted, any kind of criticism or problem solving was completely avoided for obvious reasons and after the first recycle, I never felt like I was entirely on terra firma. Otherwise, I felt that she and I were a pretty good match.

This makes all that much more difficult to deal with. Three months of NC by HER after her sudden disappearing act... .I have not heard a word... .don't even know where she moved to.

[rationalmind]

My problem is a BPD daughter rather than a relationship I chose, but I can say when my daughter "disappears" I'm amazed she leaves everything important down to not having a change of clothes, ID or phone. I think the impulsivity is a problem and also maybe subconsciously they are leaving the door open... .(at least in the case of a young BPD) Just my two cents.

[Tim300]

N/BPDs do all the crazy things and yet they don't want you to leave due to fear of abandonment and they will step up in their abusive tactics if you threaten to leave. 

This is perhaps the most bizarre aspect of it all.  Mine would rage over some minor thing, and I would respond with "I can move out if you would like".  At the time I hadn't yet fully read up on BPD, so this was not what I should have said.  In any event, rather than her apologize to me and say "Please don't go," she would ramp up the raging, and then claim the next day that she "just doesn't get me" because she can't tell if I'm in or out of the relationship.  It's all just nuts.