Introduction: It's been 3 years

[bAlex]

Hi I'm Alex

I'm 32 and she's 28, it's been 3 years since the breakup and I can't seem to get over it.

We met through work, she just went through a painful breakup and naturally I was seen as a hero to her because I "made it all better". She worshipped me and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have met her.

It was very intense in the beginning, she used to tell me how "no one has ever made so much sense in her life" and how great I am and that she wants to grow old with me. The feeling was mutual, I've never been happier, never thought it was possible even.

At some point the cracks appeared. She would tell me about how bad her ex's were, how some of them cheated on her, how she cheated on a guy when she found out about it, how they all got overly jealous. How they would shout at her and treat her poorly. Stories about her childhood, about how her parents left her, dad was a druggie, mom was a borderline alcoholic and liar. How she grew up in an orphanage and later how her grandparents raised her and later died... heartbreaking stuff. I pitied her and was glad to be able to bring some joy to her difficult life.

I later began to see how the idea of intimacy freaked her out, although she seems to long for it. The closer I tried to get to her the more she would seem to close off emotionally. She would start to do things that upset me, things that she didn't consider how it would impact our relationship. She would keep contact with her ex and claim they're just friends, I'd ask her not to keep contact cause he obviously wants her back and then after a long argument that went nowhere she'd agree. Only to tell me the next day that she dropped him off at work in the morning... A guy would ask her out on dates and flirt with her and only after the 3rd attempt would she tell him about me.  But she'd give him her number nonetheless to be his "friend" and help him find a girlfriend supposedly. At times it felt like she would do certain things (unknowingly) without even acknowledging my existence or try to be loyal to me etc.

No amount of reasoning would ever get through to her. All it did was make matters worse and it always lead to us arguing. Eventually she went cold, nothing I did could make it better, she said I was smothering her, that she was put off by my constant b___ing about what she does and that it pushed her away. Made no sense at all since she did all the pushing, created all the drama that was threatening to the relationship and blamed me when I got upset because of it. She left shortly thereafter and it broke me completely. I couldn't believe someone could turn their emotions on an off like that in such a short amount of time. Nothing made sense anymore.

I tried to get her back but she won't hear it. She goes back to the ex, who after about a month assaults her while drunk. She calls me for help, crying over the phone... I help her pick up the pieces. We get into an argument about it a couple days later and she tells me that she would've come back to me if only I kept my mouth shut. It hurt like hell...

I wasn't willing to give up on her so I tried to get her back over and over again. Every time she would shoot me down, even when we got closer, she would just deny that there was anything between us. Even though she kept sending me love songs, constantly chatting with me, and even kissing once... I helped her with every drama she created, every problem she was dealing with regardless of my own heartbreak.

Eventually she meets a guy, they kiss and she finds out he's engaged and only wanted her for a threesome. She leaves the guy alone, her friends find out and basically write her off. She's a mess... I help her up again and support her, I was one of the few friends she had left... in time her friends cool down and all is well again.

Eventually she got a new boyfriend and she tried to hide it from me, I found out and my life was shattered once again. Some low life, aggressive, steroid muscle head she fell head over heels for. She and the boyfriend turned on me and he saw me as a threat, even phoned me to try and intimidate me, all because he was checking her phone and saw a message she sent me. She put all the blame on me for this guy's actions... She would deliberately speak to him over the phone in my presence, and hug and laugh loudly with co workers to seemingly spite me in some way... we never spoke again.

A few months passed, she phones me in tears one night cause the new guy assaulted her as well. Again, I offer all the support I can, helping her out of the rut she's in, hoping she would come back. Eventually she leaves him. Things warm up between us for a while, she comes over one night, we have sex and nothing... .she pulls away again. We argue, she doesn't want me in spite of giving out signals and us sleeping together. My emotions screwed up again... .we stop talking.

Some time pass, she meets a divorced guy with kids and lots of money. 3 Months later he hurts her in some way and we end up talking again. She ends up going back to him eventually but not before she rubs it in my face. A week later she packs her things and leaves him again, contacts me to get some sympathy. She goes back to him after a few weeks and we stop talking again. After about 6 months I get txts from her out of the blue... she tells me how horrible this guy treats her, how he made her quit her job to do his administration but not getting paid for it, how he took away her car and how she's not even allowed to talk to him when he comes home from work because he's irritated. She then thanks me for being so good to her and that she's grateful to have had me as a boyfriend. Tells me I was the best one and that because of me she knows what it's like to be loved unconditionally, and that's why she won't settle for this guy's abuse any longer. She also says I did nothing wrong, she honestly loved me but only left because she found it odd that I treated her so well. Any person would think, hey, she wants to give it another shot! but no... she doesn't want me despite all she just said.  This was about 3 months back and I'm still screwed up about it.

This whole story sounds so stupid, sounds like I'm the crazy one, who's unable to let go... and that might be true. But like I said, no one could ever take me so high as she did, and no one could bring me that low. The constant contradictions, confusion, constant need for attention, the gaslighting, the never ending way she just takes and takes from me, the lack of empathy and created drama, the manipulation and playing the victim... It screwed me up but I loved her regardless, I was willing to forgive everything she did if only I could experience that high again. I even found out somewhere along the line that she was screwing a good friend of mine shortly after we broke up, and they both did it with complete disregard of the state I was in or how it would affect me. They both knew I still loved her... that hurt the most. It was like I didn't exist to them... I would've forgiven that too... I've dated other people, but it felt empty, they were not her and can never be, so I end up leaving them after a few months. I end up worse after and possibly hurting them as well... .It seems I can't get over her, or move on and find love and it's ruining me...

Alex

[NCEA]

Sorry to read this.

That's why you go NO CONTACT.

[bAlex]

Yeah, sometimes it's easier said than done. I've done NC many times, but it's hard when they contact you, you think you're strong enough to handle it and try to be polite and engage...

I think it really comes down to secretly hoping that she'd come to her senses and it will all work out. Perhaps a fresh start even... caring so much about someone that every other guy just seems to abuse makes it unbelievably difficult  :/

[bAlex]

even knowing that she does quite a bit of "abusing" herself... still hard not to care

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Lool,  i loved my ex, it felt amazing.  See in college, some drugs felt really great, but they werent good for me, just like our ex;s.    I eat my my vegetables, they don't make me feel amazing yet they are very good for me.  I found a very healthy relationship, it doesny feel so intense, and sometime boring, but It's healthy and good for me.  You have to deside what is best for you, regardless how it feels.

[GoingBack2OC]

Hey Alex,

Very similar situation myself. Im 36, she's 31. She gave me my grand finale on Christmas Eve, texted me... .It's over.

But I had known for some time she was BPD. It took me years to figure out what was wrong with her. I had no clue this even existed before being with her.

We dated for 5 years. The first year was absolutely amazing. Then, she started closing off, she'd withdraw, after an argument I'd get the silent treatment. I'd call and call... .never an answer or response. But if I stopped calling... .within a few days she'd be calling me.

No remorse is a big one. She lied a lot. Not just lies, but literally make believe stories. As in; giant fabrications; with details, of things that happened or her plans for the near future... .all total lies.

I am struggling a bit now. I feel for you. This is something we have to go through. No other way. You have to remember, as do I, that we ultimately have two choices:

1.)  We accept they are not a person who will make our lives what they want us to be. We got tricked. But that doesnt mean that the person you thought she was, that very special girl, isnt out there somewhere right now. Lonely too. It's just not her... .Its someone new.

2.)  Go stand in the mirror. Look at yourself. And say this out loud. "I realize I got fooled. While it's not my fault, I am OK with living my life and dedicating my heart, love, energy, money, and soul, to a person who will never truly respect me, never love me the way I am able to love, I will be ok, and am ok, with her lying to my face, perhaps cheating, emotionally abusing me, forever. I am willing to accept that.

The answer is clear. I'm tired of people telling me to move on. Get over it. I understand your pain. But really, we need to try. Move away. Just do it. New area. New living space. Throw away all reminders. Create a new life. In time, it will fade. And in time, you can look forward to meeting someone new.

Always try to remember this:  Falling in Love... .Its awesome isnt it? I mean, really, really falling for someone. You don't get that experience many times in your life. That first kiss, the first few weeks, the nervousness. It's a trip. But its amazing.

Fall in Love. Let yourself fall in love. Remember, that falling in love, is seriously seriously amazing. And it's out there.

Keep strong.

[Trip09]

No remorse is a big one. She lied a lot. Not just lies, but literally make believe stories. As in; giant fabrications; with details, of things that happened or her plans for the near future... .all total lies.

Great post GoingBack!

I know the feels for this... When my exPBD left me the stories she made up where just unbelievable. I actually thought I was going crazy from what she was saying. I was trying to figure out what she was on about or how I never remembered anything she was saying. Thankfully her sister told me one story/argument she said happened between us to justify our break up and knew she was lying through her teeth. Gradually I found out this is what they do...

Its sad and scary how someone can love you so much one day and be the worst person you've ever know the next. No matter how long you were with them, be it 2 months, 2 years (my case) or 2 decades, they are just ticking time bombs...

Like you, ive been struggling a bit, especially the last week, but these words are so well written. Thank you!

Always try to remember this:  Falling in Love... .Its awesome isnt it? I mean, really, really falling for someone. You don't get that experience many times in your life. That first kiss, the first few weeks, the nervousness. It's a trip. But its amazing.

Fall in Love. Let yourself fall in love. Remember, that falling in love, is seriously seriously amazing. And it's out there.

As for you Alex, im sorry to hear your story. Dude, you could prob make millions selling it as a movie script, it was that dramatic... But as a person with no attachment to your situation, from what you wrote, the only way that movie is going to have a happy ending, is by you not having her in your life anymore. Not only with her issues, but man, if she cant see your worth through all that... Please just let her walk on by because she will never see it.

You sound like an absolute stand up guy, who will do anything for the people you care about. That is a beautiful gift! But please use it the right way! Not only on yourself (self love is always no.1), but with the people around you and with someone who deserves every bit of it. She is out there, the right girl for you is waiting, 100% no doubt... But until you push your exPBD out the door FOR GOOD, there aint no way your true love will want to come in.

[bAlex]

Lool,  i loved my ex, it felt amazing.  See in college, some drugs felt really great, but they werent good for me, just like our ex;s.    I eat my my vegetables, they don't make me feel amazing yet they are very good for me.  I found a very healthy relationship, it doesny feel so intense, and sometime boring, but It's healthy and good for me.  You have to deside what is best for you, regardless how it feels.

yeah man I understand what you're getting at, ironically dating her has raised the bar quite a bit for anyone new. Like I said, I tried to date other ppl, but in the end I wasn't happy being with them cause I didn't feel that spark. Even though I knew they were good, healthy, sane ppl who were good for me. They can feel something is off, and often end up blaming themselves :/

[bAlex]

Hey Alex,

Very similar situation myself. Im 36, she's 31. She gave me my grand finale on Christmas Eve, texted me... .It's over.

But I had known for some time she was BPD. It took me years to figure out what was wrong with her. I had no clue this even existed before being with her.

We dated for 5 years. The first year was absolutely amazing. Then, she started closing off, she'd withdraw, after an argument I'd get the silent treatment. I'd call and call... .never an answer or response. But if I stopped calling... .within a few days she'd be calling me.

No remorse is a big one. She lied a lot. Not just lies, but literally make believe stories. As in; giant fabrications; with details, of things that happened or her plans for the near future... .all total lies.

I am struggling a bit now. I feel for you. This is something we have to go through. No other way. You have to remember, as do I, that we ultimately have two choices:

1.)  We accept they are not a person who will make our lives what they want us to be. We got tricked. But that doesnt mean that the person you thought she was, that very special girl, isnt out there somewhere right now. Lonely too. It's just not her... .Its someone new.

2.)  Go stand in the mirror. Look at yourself. And say this out loud. "I realize I got fooled. While it's not my fault, I am OK with living my life and dedicating my heart, love, energy, money, and soul, to a person who will never truly respect me, never love me the way I am able to love, I will be ok, and am ok, with her lying to my face, perhaps cheating, emotionally abusing me, forever. I am willing to accept that.

The answer is clear. I'm tired of people telling me to move on. Get over it. I understand your pain. But really, we need to try. Move away. Just do it. New area. New living space. Throw away all reminders. Create a new life. In time, it will fade. And in time, you can look forward to meeting someone new.

Always try to remember this:  Falling in Love... .Its awesome isnt it? I mean, really, really falling for someone. You don't get that experience many times in your life. That first kiss, the first few weeks, the nervousness. It's a trip. But its amazing.

Fall in Love. Let yourself fall in love. Remember, that falling in love, is seriously seriously amazing. And it's out there.

Keep strong.

I'm sorry to hear your story man, best of luck :/

Yeah, I really want nothing more than to fall in love again, but having given her so much of myself makes it really difficult. I always thought she'd do what's right, and realize she's better off with me, considering her bad choice of men in general. I swear, sometimes I think she refuses to be happy. A lot of our issues was also due to circumstances at the time (living arrangements etc) which made spending time together difficult. So there's always a part of me that wonders if it could work out because those obstacles aren't there anymore.

I also never knew BPD existed, but in hindsight it all fits. I  hope I can find that someone that you speak of sooner rather than later and I hope you do too.

[izabellizima]

The fear that having been in a BPD relationship has changed the happy peppy person I was FOREVER and will make it harder for me to connect with people because I will from this point forward always have my guard up is very strong.

I am terrified that I will not get myself back and thus not be able to fall inlove again.

Sometimes I think the missing her is mostly made up of this fear of not being able to be ourselves again rather than of not having her because lets face it... .she was only great for a while and now we are free to replay mostly the good because if we only play the bad we will just never wanna meet anyone again. EVER.

I am scared. I know not everyone grieves or heals at the same rate but 3 years seems so long. Did you NC?

[bAlex]

As for you Alex, im sorry to hear your story. Dude, you could prob make millions selling it as a movie script, it was that dramatic... But as a person with no attachment to your situation, from what you wrote, the only way that movie is going to have a happy ending, is by you not having her in your life anymore. Not only with her issues, but man, if she cant see your worth through all that... Please just let her walk on by because she will never see it.

You sound like an absolute stand up guy, who will do anything for the people you care about. That is a beautiful gift! But please use it the right way! Not only on yourself (self love is always no.1), but with the people around you and with someone who deserves every bit of it. She is out there, the right girl for you is waiting, 100% no doubt... But until you push your exPBD out the door FOR GOOD, there aint no way your true love will want to come in.[/quote]
Yeah man, it's shocking how someone can take so much from you and give absolutely nothing back and simply discard you as soon as they're done using you. They give you so much hope only to shatter it later. Why am I only good enough when she's in trouble? And how little must she really think of me to rather date a bunch of abusers and go back to them over and over than rather be with me instead. I hurts like hell. I would've loved nothing more than for her to "realize my worth", but sadly as you say it will likely never happen.

Thank you for the kind words, I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to go through this stuff... to my mind I didn't deserve any of this, I was good to her, I never hurt anyone else deliberately but sometimes it feels like karma is out to get me...  I know it's not true, but feels that way :/

[bAlex]

The fear that having been in a BPD relationship has changed the happy peppy person I was FOREVER and will make it harder for me to connect with people because I will from this point forward always have my guard up is very strong.

I am terrified that I will not get myself back and thus not be able to fall inlove again.

Sometimes I think the missing her is mostly made up of this fear of not being able to be ourselves again rather than of not having her because lets face it... .she was only great for a while and now we are free to replay mostly the good because if we only play the bad we will just never wanna meet anyone again. EVER.

I am scared. I know not everyone grieves or heals at the same rate but 3 years seems so long. Did you NC?

3 years is very long I know. It's certainly not as bad as it was in the beginning, but her being so pretty and having such a magnetic personality made it hard. Along with stepping in and out of my life like she did... just made me want her even more. I catch myself thinking about her a lot and being scared that I'll never find someone as pretty or capable of bringing up the same intense emotions... I did the NC thing lots of times but she always seemed to come back, with some crisis that I end up helping her cope with because I care :/ I guess on some level it also made me not want to let go and also made me feel good / superior to her ex's... gave me hope too...

Hope you find the happiness you deserve soon, I know it sux and I wouldn't want anyone to go through this crap.

[letmeout]

The way I got out was No contact, I changed my phone number, asked everyone not to give it to my BPD ex, and whenever I thought about going back (my counselor had me make a long list of the worse things my ex did and said)

I would refer to my list, and that kept me from going back or even looking back!

The only way to go.

[bAlex]

The way I got out was No contact, I changed my phone number, asked everyone not to give it to my BPD ex, and whenever I thought about going back (my counselor had me make a long list of the worse things my ex did and said)

I would refer to my list, and that kept me from going back or even looking back!

The only way to go.

I've tried the list too, it worked for a while. I'm curious to know, do you still find her attractive? Are you 100% over her and don't give a damn what she does? Would it bother you to see her in public with someone else? How long did it take you?

[Penelope35]

Reading everyones'stories I so wish there was a button that would just restart all of our brains... .do we even listen to what we are saying? Why do we allow anyone to even think of playing these kinds of games with us? I was stuck for a long time in the helping mode. I still am but not as much (I think). My ex would always tell me I am the only one who could understand him as much and that he has never felt so loved before and that he would do everything possible to be able to show me one day how much he loves me and appreciates me for everything i have done for him. He never managed to do that. After our previous break up and when he came back to work things out again i decided i would go for a last cycle. I even told him It would be the last time. He was more loving and  convinced that this time would be different than ever. But only till the next break up which broke me into millons of pieces.

My ex is not diagnosed and it was me who thought of BPD and started researching.

But still, the first month I was in this forum more to figure out how i could help him rather than help my self detach. I just couldn't accept that he wanted us to be together but couldn't allow him self to be happy and enjoy the relationship. Other than the fact that he meets most of the BPD traits and his behavior matches what most people in this forum describe in their stories, I am more convinced he has BPD because of how similarly difficult is our struggle to let go of our exs.  

Is it a coincidence?  Of course not and this gives me a better understanding of how a r/s with a BPD messes with our brains. The emotional roller coaster is addictive and after we are off of it we are craving the highs so much that we are even willing to experience the lows again. How can we forget so easily how the lows made us feel? who deserves to feel this way? Does anybody have the right to cause so much pain to us? Would you ever treat somebody like that? Why are we allowing them to do this to us?

I kept thinking for days about what I needed to do to get the guilt of not managing to help him realise what's wrong with him off of me, but at the same time figure out what's best for me. So i decided I needed to tell him EVERYTHING that was in my mind and my heart. Both the rational and emotional perspective of what we had. I knew that I wouldn't be able to if I tried to do it in person so I wrote everything down and send him a long email. I told him how I understand he is struggling emotionally (I referred to his struggles as fear of abandonment, not BPD), I explained why he behaved the way he did in the relationship and I even tried to explain how his future will be if he does nothing to help himself. I said how sorry I am for this (I really am) and that I wished I could do something to erase his bad experiences and make him feel secure but that our history has showed me that I cannot.  And then I explain very thoroughly why for whatever reasons he is just not allowed to mess with other people's lives until he manages to help himself. I explained how much pain he caused me while I was trying to help him be in this r/s and that I can't let him take me further down. I told him I will block him from everything and that I won't be responding to any of his love messages from there on because I can't be scratching my own wounds any more. Sending this message worked for me. I got everything out and accepted that it's up to him to work on his issues. I doubt he will but I know I tried my best to help him. I also accepted that the fantasy of how we could be together was what was holding me there. Not the reality. The highs were not the reality. The highs and lows were the harsh reality.

I blocked him on all social media but not on my phone though so I am still receiving some text messages telling me how he will never forgive himself for what he has done to me and telling me to stay in contact. But I can't... . I am hoping that if he continues to send messages I will find the strengh to block him from my phone too. But one step at a time. I am still not ready to do this and I know that when he stops sending messages I may be in more pain. But I HAVE TO move on. WE ALL HAVE TO for our well being.

Maybe try to read your posts as if they were written by somebody else. Who deserves this kind of treatment? Please keep in mind that since you felt so strongly for your exs,  it's a proof that you have the capacity to feel this way. Imagine how great it would be if somebody could reciprocate and go for that! This is what I am doing.  It's hard as hell but we need to do what we need to do to make their memory faid and open up a space for somebody to make their way in. But it won't happen on its own. And please stop beating your selves up by thinking if they have moved on or if they are happier in their next r/s or whatever. Try to block these thoughts cause they are irrelevant and only disorient you from your goal, which should be to heal. I know that tomorrow I may not have the clear way of thinking i have today but i will keep trying to pick my self up and focus on my goal to let go and heal. We need to try with the same determination we had been trying to make these relationships work.

I wish the best for all of us.

[bAlex]

As of yesterday I got a new perspective as to how these ppl think. Made a world of difference to me. Now I honestly want nothing to do with her. They are incapable of any type of health personal relationship. Doesn't matter what the situation or how good things are going, they will always find a way to screw it up. They seem to thrive in chaos, and if it's not there they will create it and make you believe it's your doing or that you're overreacting. They will make you believe you are weak for reacting the way you do. Don't fall for it. I don't want a life like that, I won't settle for it. The person at the beginning was nothing more than a lie, that person never existed, that person will never come back. The real person was the one causing all the madness and who devalued you and left you, that is the only truth.

[letmeout]

The person at the beginning was nothing more than a lie, that person never existed, that person will never come back. The real person was the one causing all the madness

That sums it up quite well.

[Conundrum]

As of yesterday I got a new perspective as to how these ppl think. Made a world of difference to me. Now I honestly want nothing to do with her. They are incapable of any type of health personal relationship. Doesn't matter what the situation or how good things are going, they will always find a way to screw it up. They seem to thrive in chaos, and if it's not there they will create it and make you believe it's your doing or that you're overreacting. They will make you believe you are weak for reacting the way you do. Don't fall for it. I don't want a life like that, I won't settle for it. The person at the beginning was nothing more than a lie, that person never existed, that person will never come back. The real person was the one causing all the madness and who devalued you and left you, that is the only truth.

When we say "they, these people" we're objectifying a whole group of human beings based upon our subjective experiences--usually born from individual pain that we feel is caused by a particular person who hurt us. I get that you're suffering but I don't understand why you're so hard on yourself. Life is messy and we aren't  perfect. Some people resonate w us. Perhaps for a lifetime. That is the way. And it isn't terrible if that is our truth. Bc there is much in life that is exceptional beyond that particular attachment.

That attachment was a singular element in what  hopefully is a mosaic comprising a meaningful life. When life feels desultory we must question why what we have constructed as individuals is unfulfilling. For people come and go out of our lives. As all things change. But the foundation of our existences are rooted in the bedrock of our individual essence. And one must be happy and content in their own skin with or without the complimentary cherry on the ice cream of having another. Bc if one is not, then one truly never has something complete to offer another. Bc it all is offered out of a mishmash of desperate need. Just my 2 cents while pecking on a lil phone.

[bAlex]

I don't think I'm particularly hard on myself per se. Not anymore anyway. I'm more dissapoined that I gave up such a large chunk of my life for her. She made me believe she's worth it somehow. And she used me in many ways over the years for nothing more than her own personal gain, she gave nothing back. When she tore herself away from me I was the one left with the problem. She quite happily and easily found other people who "made her happy" in the blink of an eye. She replaced me with ppl she was worse off with than me any day of the week. A person can't help but feel bad about themselves when that happens. Learning a thing or 2 about the disorder gave me a new perspective on things, and I no longer blame myself for what happened. There was a time when I felt sorry for her, but not anymore, no matter how I look at it now there's really nothing inherently good about her. Still, it's difficult to fully move on with new ppl, hence my presence here. I agree with you, no person should make another "their everything", and I never did this in the past, but she has a way to seemingly make that happen quite easily in her r/s.

[Conundrum]

I don't think I'm particularly hard on myself per se. Not anymore anyway. I'm more dissapoined that I gave up such a large chunk of my life for her. She made me believe she's worth it somehow. And she used me in many ways over the years for nothing more than her own personal gain, she gave nothing back. When she tore herself away from me I was the one left with the problem. She quite happily and easily found other people who "made her happy" in the blink of an eye. She replaced me with ppl she was worse off with than me any day of the week. A person can't help but feel bad about themselves when that happens. There was a time when I felt sorry for her, but not anymore, no matter how I look at it now there's really nothing inherently good about her. Still, it's difficult to fully move on with new ppl, hence my presence here.

But what does that say about her? That she has severe relational issues. You took a chance w a disordered person. Would  you want to be able to disconnect in a disordered way in the blink of an eye? I wouldn't. I want to process my feelings and relationships within the context of my ideals.

Now, when you say, "she made me believe she was worth it, she gave nothing back." You know that isn't true and it's your hurt side expressing that. For if she offered nothing and provided no value to you, you would have never been with her. It is that value itself that when abruptly removed that hurts. The question before you remains what is to be gained by saying that there was nothing inherently good about the person who mattered to you. That is your pain speaking in a black and white voice. There was much you found desirable about her. Hence your presence here.

The question isn't whether she was lacking in this way or that. But when she left your life why is the void so immense. That is why we are all here. To explore that and reach our own answers.

[bAlex]

Everything I thought was good turned out to be untrue. Part of what made the void so big in my own life was because when she left I still thought the world of her - never really got a chance see her in a negative light, no real deal breaker ever occurred. Just her losing feelings for me seemingly overnight. I forgave her flaws, like normal people would, but never got the same in return. She knew this, and took advantage of me still liking her after the breakup. She would come to me in times of need and bail as soon as I helped her get strong again. Many times I would call her out on her behaviour and she would say something along the lines of "I would've come back to you if you didn't just say that, now I can't because I can't trust you". She intentionally hurt me when I displeased her, and kept me around to help her when she's in trouble by using the only power she had left over me - the promise of reconciliation. That's why the whole thing is so stretched out. The void is much much smaller now, I haven't actually felt "empty" for quite some time. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still connecting the dots, but I don't see a reason to still think highly of her.

[NCEA]

Alex, you need to go full on NCEA, nothing else will help. We're all here in the same boat. Different face, same story.

Everything I thought was good turned out to be untrue. Part of what made the void so big in my own life was because when she left I still thought the world of her - never really got a chance see her in a negative light, no real deal breaker ever occurred. Just her losing feelings for me seemingly overnight. I forgave her flaws, like normal people would, but never got the same in return. She knew this, and took advantage of me still liking her after the breakup. She would come to me in times of need and bail as soon as I helped her get strong again. Many times I would call her out on her behaviour and she would say something along the lines of "I would've come back to you if you didn't just say that, now I can't because I can't trust you". She intentionally hurt me when I displeased her, and kept me around to help her when she's in trouble by using the only power she had left over me - the promise of reconciliation. That's why the whole thing is so stretched out. The void is much much smaller now, I haven't actually felt "empty" for quite some time. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still connecting the dots, but I don't see a reason to still think highly of her.

[bAlex]

Alex, you need to go full on NCEA, nothing else will help. We're all here in the same boat. Different face, same story.

Everything I thought was good turned out to be untrue. Part of what made the void so big in my own life was because when she left I still thought the world of her - never really got a chance see her in a negative light, no real deal breaker ever occurred. Just her losing feelings for me seemingly overnight. I forgave her flaws, like normal people would, but never got the same in return. She knew this, and took advantage of me still liking her after the breakup. She would come to me in times of need and bail as soon as I helped her get strong again. Many times I would call her out on her behaviour and she would say something along the lines of "I would've come back to you if you didn't just say that, now I can't because I can't trust you". She intentionally hurt me when I displeased her, and kept me around to help her when she's in trouble by using the only power she had left over me - the promise of reconciliation. That's why the whole thing is so stretched out. The void is much much smaller now, I haven't actually felt "empty" for quite some time. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still connecting the dots, but I don't see a reason to still think highly of her.

Lol, I agree, haven't spoken to her since October, told her she needs to stop contacting me at some point and she went silent. I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing from her again and I've decided I'm not gonna reply if that happens. She'll probably think I'm being cruel but there's no other way really...

[NCEA]

Not good enough. How would she contact you?

Just so you know, when we broke up I instinctively told myself I'll go NC, not knowing it had a name, not realizing how disturbed she was. This was almost 3 months ago and I feel as if it ended a week ago. So this takes time, A LOT of time, of NC.

In many ways I feel that these forums are NOT helpful because they keep us digging deeper and deeper. At some point you should go NC with anything related to her, these forums too. I plan to do it from next week.

Alex, you need to go full on NCEA, nothing else will help. We're all here in the same boat. Different face, same story.

Everything I thought was good turned out to be untrue. Part of what made the void so big in my own life was because when she left I still thought the world of her - never really got a chance see her in a negative light, no real deal breaker ever occurred. Just her losing feelings for me seemingly overnight. I forgave her flaws, like normal people would, but never got the same in return. She knew this, and took advantage of me still liking her after the breakup. She would come to me in times of need and bail as soon as I helped her get strong again. Many times I would call her out on her behaviour and she would say something along the lines of "I would've come back to you if you didn't just say that, now I can't because I can't trust you". She intentionally hurt me when I displeased her, and kept me around to help her when she's in trouble by using the only power she had left over me - the promise of reconciliation. That's why the whole thing is so stretched out. The void is much much smaller now, I haven't actually felt "empty" for quite some time. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still connecting the dots, but I don't see a reason to still think highly of her.

Lol, I agree, haven't spoken to her since October, told her she needs to stop contacting me at some point and she went silent. I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing from her again and I've decided I'm not gonna reply if that happens. She'll probably think I'm being cruel but there's no other way really...

[bAlex]

Not good enough. How would she contact you?

Just so you know, when we broke up I instinctively told myself I'll go NC, not knowing it had a name, not realizing how disturbed she was. This was almost 3 months ago and I feel as if it ended a week ago. So this takes time, A LOT of time, of NC.

In many ways I feel that these forums are NOT helpful because they keep us digging deeper and deeper. At some point you should go NC with anything related to her, these forums too. I plan to do it from next week.

Alex, you need to go full on NCEA, nothing else will help. We're all here in the same boat. Different face, same story.

Everything I thought was good turned out to be untrue. Part of what made the void so big in my own life was because when she left I still thought the world of her - never really got a chance see her in a negative light, no real deal breaker ever occurred. Just her losing feelings for me seemingly overnight. I forgave her flaws, like normal people would, but never got the same in return. She knew this, and took advantage of me still liking her after the breakup. She would come to me in times of need and bail as soon as I helped her get strong again. Many times I would call her out on her behaviour and she would say something along the lines of "I would've come back to you if you didn't just say that, now I can't because I can't trust you". She intentionally hurt me when I displeased her, and kept me around to help her when she's in trouble by using the only power she had left over me - the promise of reconciliation. That's why the whole thing is so stretched out. The void is much much smaller now, I haven't actually felt "empty" for quite some time. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still connecting the dots, but I don't see a reason to still think highly of her.

Lol, I agree, haven't spoken to her since October, told her she needs to stop contacting me at some point and she went silent. I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing from her again and I've decided I'm not gonna reply if that happens. She'll probably think I'm being cruel but there's no other way really...

She has my number. It's funny, I was thinking the exact same thing about the forums keeping you reminded of her. I have to agree with you. But honestly, reading some of the comments and learning about the disorder has offered me a new way of thinking, for that I'm greatful, because the ppl in my life never really understood what "this" was all about.

[sirensong65]

I am almost three years out and complete NO CONTACT for 18 months and I still struggle.  It's these damn mind F&%# relationships.  I wasn't this broken after my divorce where children were involved.

Mine gave a similar sob story.  All the exes were bad or bat crap crazy.  And the stories of his life!  I look back and kick myself cause the red flags were WAVING! 

When we met he said what he was looking for was a good girl that could make a sweet, stable life with him. I thought THAT'S ME, That"s Me!

Now he is with a porn star/ fetish modeling chick with SOO much drama and they put it all online in her blog, blow by blow... .  Nothing sweet and stable about it.  This girl couldn't be more polar opposite of who I am.

Bottom line.  They are disordered.  They don't know what they want, cause they really don't know WHO they are.

It's sad, but not my circus, not my monkeys.

I still struggle with what he projected, and what the reality was.  These relationships mess you up, my emotional equilibrium is screwed up.  It's like living in a fun house, but absolutely nothing FUN about it.

I wish you luck.

[bAlex]

I am almost three years out and complete NO CONTACT for 18 months and I still struggle.  It's these damn mind F&%# relationships.  I wasn't this broken after my divorce where children were involved.

Mine gave a similar sob story.  All the exes were bad or bat crap crazy.  And the stories of his life!  I look back and kick myself cause the red flags were WAVING! 

When we met he said what he was looking for was a good girl that could make a sweet, stable life with him. I thought THAT'S ME, That"s Me!

Now he is with a porn star/ fetish modeling chick with SOO much drama and they put it all online in her blog, blow by blow... .  Nothing sweet and stable about it.  This girl couldn't be more polar opposite of who I am.

Bottom line.  They are disordered.  They don't know what they want, cause they really don't know WHO they are.

It's sad, but not my circus, not my monkeys.

I still struggle with what he projected, and what the reality was.  These relationships mess you up, my emotional equilibrium is screwed up.  It's like living in a fun house, but absolutely nothing FUN about it.

I wish you luck.

Wow... I'm sorry to hear that, we know how that will end though... .Best of luck to you!

[Penelope35]

I am almost three years out and complete NO CONTACT for 18 months and I still struggle.  It's these damn mind F&%# relationships.  I wasn't this broken after my divorce where children were involved.

Mine gave a similar sob story.  All the exes were bad or bat crap crazy.  And the stories of his life!  I look back and kick myself cause the red flags were WAVING!  

When we met he said what he was looking for was a good girl that could make a sweet, stable life with him. I thought THAT'S ME, That"s Me!

Now he is with a porn star/ fetish modeling chick with SOO much drama and they put it all online in her blog, blow by blow... . Nothing sweet and stable about it.  This girl couldn't be more polar opposite of who I am.

Bottom line.  They are disordered.  They don't know what they want, cause they really don't know WHO they are.

It's sad, but not my circus, not my monkeys.

I still struggle with what he projected, and what the reality was.  These relationships mess you up, my emotional equilibrium is screwed up.  It's like living in a fun house, but absolutely nothing FUN about it.

I wish you luck.

I do believe too that at some point we all need to start detaching from these kinds of forums too and start living our "BPD free" lives. When we manage to get our answers regarding their behaviour,  no contact should in my opionion at some point mean "nothing to do with BPD".

[GoingBack2OC]

The fear that having been in a BPD relationship has changed the happy peppy person I was FOREVER and will make it harder for me to connect with people because I will from this point forward always have my guard up is very strong.

I am terrified that I will not get myself back and thus not be able to fall in love again.

Sometimes I think the missing her is mostly made up of this fear of not being able to be ourselves again rather than of not having her because lets face it... .she was only great for a while and now we are free to replay mostly the good because if we only play the bad we will just never wanna meet anyone again. EVER.

I am scared. I know not everyone grieves or heals at the same rate but 3 years seems so long. Did you NC?

No not everyone grieves as long as others. My 2nd major girlfriend I dated in my twenties; we dated for 4 years, and after I broke things off; she was dating within a week. It took me 8 months for a first date - and I was the dumper... .not the dumpee. Some may not show it outwardly, but they may be grieving inside. It is difficult. I am truly struggling with this at this very moment. It's hard to find motivation to do anything. Work, exercise, even clean up and shower seem daunting. It's amazing how after giving so much of your heart, so much of who you are, to someone you trust and love, can seem lost when that person literally discards you like a piece of junk mail.

I personally have a tendency to idealize people I have been romantically involved with. Both in the relationship; and even more so after it ends. So my struggles get compounded with the rewinding of memories; the good ones, the happy times, the images in my head, the photographs burned into my memory, of when I was happy-- in that moment. I naturally, just my personality type, tend for forget the bad, the negative, the fights-- not suppression of memories (as in victims of abuse as kids sort of thing); but rather, a few weeks after a fight I remember "the fight" but cant really remember what it was we were fighting about. So by having this predisposition to romanticize this person in my head, to convince myself over and over that I lost something truly irreplaceable; is a struggle. But if I try... .I mean consciously try, to sit down and think of the bad. The fights. The names she called me. The lies. The tears. The loneliness. The happy feelings fade and depending, can be replaced by sadness, guilt, shame, anger, and so on.

This dichotomy of happy vs sad, proud vs ashamed, is really in an of it self splitting (I don't split - I see many many shades of grey)... .but--- and this is a BIG but:  Try to look at your relationship; reflect on it. Was it black and white? Or many shades of grey; which tended to almost always be on the happy, loving side of the spectrum? 

I can tell you my relationship was black and white. She either loved me or hated me. Many times she loved me and hated me on the same day. Or hour. Our relationship was never OK. It was never well. It was only great or horrible. Loving or truly desperate. This split; a huge spectrum so wide; was void in the center. And therein lies the problem. I have to choose how, and what to remember. And I have to control how I shape those memories. Because memories dont just fade; they change over time. How you remember something or someone; we do have control over that.

So do I remember the great? Or the horrible. Do I remember how amazing making love was? Or how she ridiculed me, and made me feel so small so many times. It's a tough decision. No one likes to sit and think about painful memories. But you have to confront them. Not focus on "I'm ruined; I'll never love again; I'll never trust again". But really face this fact:  You weren't in a toxic relationship:  You were in a relationship with a toxic person. Because there's a difference.

I have had 3 major relationships in my life starting at 18. About 10 short lived "we dated" in betweeners. The major relationships; when they ended; were tough as hell to break free from. But over time, you do heal. But it takes effort. You have to go out. Put yourself into the world you want to be in. Dare to take a chance.

Shape your world. Make your world, and your life what you want it to be. Take this alone time to do what you need to do make that world a reality. Once you get yourself into a place where you can be happy; fulfilled; as an individual; then you will be ready to share your life and love with someone new. Don't jump into another relationship. Get to OK; alone. Only then will you ever be able to truly feel secure, trust, love, with all your heart.

[bAlex]

Hi everyone, this will be my last post and I will soon be requesting the mods to delete my account

Update: as far as I can remember the last time I spoke to her was last year in October when I asked her not to contact me anymore. I decided enough is enough and deleted her number for the last time and I came here to find help.

Well... .she showed up at my work a few weeks ago completely out of the blue. "Apparently" to talk to me about why I'm still not friends with the friend I had that slept with her behind my back! lmao!

It was the usual nonsensical bs... her trying to justify her (and his) piss poor decisions... "but we were both single, that's why I slept with him", "he's so lonely and needs you as a friend"," he's changed", "he didn't know sleeping with me would hurt you".  Yeah right... .! I wasn't buying it. I just said: "he could have slept with anyone... why you when he knew I still cared? I don't need friends like that. And you should've known better yourself".

Anyway... I can't even remember most of it cause she doesn't really matter to me anymore. But I remember telling her that she's only around when she needs something. To that she said "what have I EVER needed from YOU, Alex ?" Now, any of you that read my original post would know that she pretty much needed/used me for any and every drama or hurt she went through. LOL indeed! Just goes to show how little she valued my support, or me for that matter. I was just reminded how childish and retarded her way of thinking is... .unbelievable. Doesn't matter really

Thank goodness this is over... ! I honestly looked at her and didn't desire her one bit. Her looks that I adored is fading quickly, she looks "used up" somehow, and I really can't stand her presence anymore... she now is a turn-off to me. That's an amazing blessing really

I thank every member and mod here for the advice given, for putting up with my rants, the encouragement, and for giving me new perspectives. God bless.

To the guys here that are still struggling: remember they are just PEOPLE. They can and will be replaced by better things. In fact, the sooner you DECIDE to the better. Stop putting so much importance on someone who won't do the same for you. See them for what they ARE. Sometimes you need to call a spade a spade. Don't waste your thoughts on them. Shift your focus to better things and don't live here 24/7 365, it will keep them in your thoughts if you do.

In hindsight I see how ridiculous this whole thing was... it's a joke, a childish game. You will beat your opponent if you stop playing. They will try to get a rise out of you, they will contact you, they will try to manipulate and make you jealous, they will show up unexpectedly to try and throw you for a loop... but you won't take the bait, you will not care. Because they don't play by the rules, you are the winner, you are the prize and it's not worth your time. INDIFFERENCE is your final checkmate.

I've been where you are, it sucks, but there IS light at the end of this tunnel