Amazing Coincidences

[Pytagoras]

Hi Recovering480,

Amazing the coincidences between your and my own story.
I too had been in a relationship with a BPD gf for the past 3 months and a half.
The fist month was amazing and we had a great time together.

Some minor fights ocurred, mostly because she miss-interpreted something i did as ofending and said "Why are you treating me like this?" when i did absolutely nothing. In that ocasions i tryed do skip the place, but then she went in victim mode, start crying and i would consolate her.

She didn't want me to speak about my ex-'s, but she speaked a lot about her ex-, who she said was someone abusive, that beat her up and tried to kill her. Nevertheless, she was obsessed with him, as she said.

I am a psychologist, so i could note the BPD signs over the time, but when i did, was already too into the drama. I tryed sometimes to break up the relationship, but she'd always came after me, begging to give her another chance.

Then, something terrible happend: she got pregnant. She then started to manipulate me, trying to pick a name for the future child and other stuff while putting on me all the responsability for the decision of having or not the baby.

Giving the circumstances, i decided not to have the baby. After that, she started to be distant, cold and raging all the time.

I started to give her more and more. I was by her side in the all process of the abortion, and gave her all the suport. I also said i would like to have a baby with her, when we had the right conditions to do it (that is not the present scenario).

She suffered a lot with the process (it's very hard to women). And she was really cold to me. We fight sometimes (i mean, she yeld and i shutted, then tryed to leave).

Then, one day, in a calm way, she said she was angry with me, and she would like to send me away, but in other way, she didn't want to do that. I sense she reliefed some tension and anger, and after that, she started to be more loving again. But two days later, she started to distance again.

I was not feeling very confortable around her, always expecting for the next burst of rage or something similar and i told her just that on facebook. And that i would not be mistreated anymore. She reacted agressively and told me "Good luck for your future" and we break up. The next day she published a lot of images on facebook sayng "give me another cupid, mine is drank" and "Let it go when the other person don't love you" and others like that.

Today i sent her a facebook message saying "I had a little bit of rage the last time we spoke, and i needed to express it, but maybe i didn't do it in the best way. I hope everything is alright with you. kiss*". She didn't respond.

When we break up, i felt relieved. Finally this nightmare is over. But then, the last days have been a nightmare. I am divided between my sane option of break up and a longing to return to her.

This relationship was all about her. Her problems, her ex's, her moving to the new house, her things, me helping her. I always slept over her house, she never slept in mine. In the beggining she was very kind and pleasing but then she started to make more and more requests and demandings, and slowly, all the relationship became to be about her.

I feel that she wants to destroy me. She hates me. That is not about me, of course. She is traumatized with her parents, the figures that should take care of her in the begining of her life. But she is projecting all of that in me. And all that destructiveness is disquised of "Love".

I don't now why, but i have this feeling that she is coming back for more, and she wants to wreck me just a little bit more. And i need to be very strong if that happens and try not to give in. She is very manipulative and if i give in, it soon will return to the same course.

For now, i am recovering. I lost a lot of weight. Started to be less assiduous in the gym, started to do less of my things. Sometimes i was so tired because i felt emotionally drained. Also, i couldn't sleep so well in her bed.

Now, i am very tired, it's hard to eat, and i feel anxious all the time. But i think i will get stronger from day to day.

I still have some of my stuff in her house and i have to be strong to return there and face it.

The only situations when she getted gentle and even desperate was when she sensed that i was sliping away. A few days ago she went crazy because she tought i already had another gf, just because i didn't respond her quick enough on facebook. She ask me to go over her place, she promised not to fight, but the minute i get there, her attitude chaged and all the conversation was to attack me, acuse me of hiding something, of cheating, etc.

She was crazy jelaousy.

She always rushed me into things. First to be her boyfriend, then to live with her. She even spoke about marriage. I told her i could do all that, but i needed some time to do it, because i'm slower getting into relationships. Now she is distancing.

She blames me for the abortion, saying that i caused her a lot of harm. She doesn't admit any responsability, even when she was the one instigating me sexually. I said that all the process was responsability of both of us. But i think she is not ready to assume any responsability. She idolized me, but now i am the monster that did her wrong. She feels bad about all the situation and i am the one to blame.

I don't now if we are still in a relationship or not. Let's wait for the next episodes :P

Hang on recovering480. You are not alone. I understand how difficult it his. It requests the courage of a warrior.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Pytagoras-

And Welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it's a lot, very painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we've all been through similar and we understand.

The rushing into things, the fear of abandonment, the lack of taking responsibility and the blame, all typical borderline behavior.  So what's the goal?  You mention you have some stuff at her house, and seems you're still communicating on some level, do you want to be done and detach, or are you open to reconciling?

[Pytagoras]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

I'm ambigous. Part of me remembers her egoism and self-centered behaviour.
Another part wants to try and improve things in the relationship altough i think that maybe she doesn't want it anymore. Now she sees me as the responsible for her bad feelings.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Pytagoras-

I'm ambigous. Part of me remembers her egoism and self-centered behaviour.
Another part wants to try and improve things in the relationship altough i think that maybe she doesn't want it anymore. Now she sees me as the responsible for her bad feelings.

Yes, it's common for borderlines to "assign" the way they feel to their partner, it avoids taking responsibility and allows a borderline to play victim.  We all do that to some extent, being a victim is a comfortable place because we don't have to take responsibilty, it's just more extreme with folks with personality disorders.  And as the partner we either take on that responsibility or we don't.

FYI, your post was split out from Recovering's because it was your first and you did a great job explaining your situation, warrants its own post.  Also, there's a Conflicted or Deciding board here too, which may be more accurate than the Detaching board for the situation you're in, up to you and what your goal is.  Take care of you!

[Recovering480]

Indeed. Coincidences are unreal. It sounds almost like the same person. Within a week, she had told me she wanted another child, marriage, we were even looking at houses (she took me to one on our first date because I hadnt mentioned before we met that I was thinking of moving). I'm grateful she never got pregnant, though I dont know why she didn't. It wasnt from lack of trying. Towards the end, she would accuse me of being immature and she didnt think I'd make a good father. Foolishly, in the beginning, I fell for it all hook, line, and sinker. A part of me was thinking, this is too good to be true. It all seemed perfect. Until the fights, the accusations, etc.

I'm grateful it's finished. But I do miss her. Every time things like this occurred, she would reach out. And I think that is where part of the hurt lies. Why hasnt she done so?

Knowing the signs, reading as much as I can, the support from people here, I know why she hasn't. I just need to let it all go.

Hang in there my friend. Keep posting and share your growth.

[Pytagoras]

Fromhealtoheel,

Thank you for your words.

Updating the situation:

I sent her some text in messenger, saying that i care about her and trying to reconciliate. But not a needy one. I spoke clearly about our divergances, the improvments i can do on comunication level and the fact that she needs to work also on some aspects. It was not an acusatory text. I did what i feel i needed to do.

She saw but didn't answer.

That was two days ago and she still didn't answer.

That's Ok. I'm feeling stronger and more peaceful from day to day. I feel like i did everything in my power and i'm being compassionate about myself. If she doesn't answer or if she breaks-up, maybe it's for the best and my life will be easier.

If she wants to resume the relationship, i will insist that we need couple therapy and she needs also to resume her solo therapy. That's my only two conditions plus the strong commitment from her part do hold to the therapy.

In this second possibility, of course, my life will be harder. But i think i need to get to the bottom of this and certifcate myself that i've done everything i could (guilt feelings with whom i'm working).

So, altough i know that this is a process in wich maybe i will have ups and downs, i'm feeling peaceful now.

She is too hurt right now to be in a relationship. Any man that engages in a relationship with her, even if it's a saint, will be considered a bad ogre, a monster that is mistreating her. And she incites violence. She feeds herself with violence and pain. She seeks pain and to be a victim. That's why i think she's not done with me. She needs more blood.

PS: She is not the first BPD that i date or have a relationship with, so i'm better prepared now that i was a few years ago and maybe i can recover faster. Also, i didn't fall in love so deeply, because i'm better aware now. I'm better aware of the illusions... .

[Pytagoras]

Thanks for yout words too Recovery480,

I hope the best for you. I've been following your post.