Let me share with you how this last recycle has gone down(long read)

[mks10]

I met my xBPDgf in August of 2010 and we were together for 3 years. She discarded me the first time in April 2010 after an episode where she refused to talk to me for 11 days. We somehow managed to salvage our relationship only to be discarded by her again in October of 2010. At this point we stopped talking but texted for the next 10 months. She would always ask me for money and was always in financial peril. We stopped talking completely on August 28, 2014 and I thought it was for good. I slowly and painfully moved on with my life. I worked very very hard to get over her. I moved to a different city that was closer to my work, started new healthy habits, and have worked hard at being the best person I could be, and then... .

She contacted me out of the blue again 2 months ago wanting to apologize for how things went down. It took me 10 days to reply back to her because I wasn't sure what to think. Although I had posted previously about not talking to her, I foolishly did agree to talk to her. It was different this time, not in the good or bad way, but we were always good friends and could talk about anything. So we started talking more and sharing more about our lives again. The friendship was there but the trust was never really there on my part. I had been burned bad before so I "kept" my heart to myself. She would tell me how much she missed me and how she wanted to move closer to me but couldn't right now. I suppose on some level it was flattering but I also was skeptical. So this went on for 2 months, talking and texting, just being ourselves again it seemed. I was always very friendly and honest with her. I was myself with her and she always said how much she liked who I was and how I treated her. She started calling me more. She texted me multiple times a day. She shared more of herself, shared more about her kids, I even visited with her kids and they were asking me advice on some things. She would tell me how sweet and nice I was and how much she missed me. She seemed keenly interested if I was dating anyone or had been with any women while we had been apart. I believed her like the fool I am. The old feelings I had for her weren't quite there yet but I could feel a possible stirring in myself, wondering if we had come to a point where we could be good and right. It wasn't like a crush or a deep emotional attachment with her... .it was just the old feeling of "could we be like we were once again but better?" but again, I kept myself in check and didn't let my heart overwhelm my mind. Then this last weekend happened... .

We talked and texted like normal on Thursday. I got off work around 6PM, went to the gym, and did everyday normal things that evening. She called me about 10PM and just wanted to talk about our days. I needed to go to the grocery store and she wanted to talk to me on the way there which always very very normal to us. It was so routine to me that I barely remember what we talked about other than back and forth about the good and bad of that day. It was all SO normal to me. I went into the store and she told me she had to stop and get something to drink and would call me back in 2 minutes. No big deal right? I continued shopping for about 20 minutes and she didn't call me back. Truth be told, it was not a big deal as I figured one of her kids contacted her or someone else called. I just assumed she would call me again before bed and all would be good. About 30 minutes later I received a text that said "Hey the girls called on the drive back and when I got home I had to clean up pee and now I'm helping them with their 4H projects Sorry hope to talk later this weekend. Oh I heard back from my friend, he goes back to work on Tuesday, he will ask what is going on". The "he" was a neighbor who had potential info on a home loan she is working on trying to get. It just seemed weird that she went from calling me back in 2 minutes to calling me later that weekend. "Later this weekend" just seemed really really strange. We usually talked everyday and this didn't sound right. Trust me, my antennas went up immediately. I didn't accuse her of anything nor did I start text/call flooding her because I was all worried. My head told me to just be calm and let this play out. I didn't hear a peep out of her Friday but again, that isn't too uncommon. She shares custody of her youngest daughter with her ex-husband and his week started last Friday. She also had to work and Friday is her evening to go out to karaoke with her oldest kids. They have been doing this for years and it's something they enjoy. So, fast forward to Saturday evening... .

I hadn't heard from her in 2 days so I sent a text asking how she was doing and if everything was OK. Things are very very stressful in her life right now(finances and legal issues)so I was just checking in as I normally would. About 10 minutes later she texted back "Sorry I didn't realize we hadn't talked in 2 days. I ended up coming to Vegas for a concert. The kids said have fun but I keep worrying. Ok, better get back in there". Needless to say, I was very surprised to hear this. We always would tell each other about these kinds of things, especially a trip out of state. Even the last 2 months, we would both share minor parts of our days so for her to just blow me off, not call me back, then end up in Las Vegas for the weekend without telling me was ODD. I asked who she went with and why she didn't want to tell me that. NOT accusing her, just asking because everything had seemed SO normal for the last few months. No reply from her(of course)and I didn't press the issue any further. No text bombs, no frantic phone calls, I had been through this before and I honestly don't have it in my to fight for her or this relationship anymore. I pretty much just let it go but then got this text yesterday... .

"I'm sorry if you thought because we were texting and talking that we are an "us". There is way too much going on in my life and the distance and years I will be here are many. Friendship was all I was looking for or giving. We are flooded here and that on top of everything I'm dealing with is taking all my time. I'm sending this because I wanted it clear and didn't want a repeat of not texting and I had a minute before I grab a shower and headed to work. Again, sorry I don't want to hurt you. I want the best for you and that isn't me. Maybe I over read the text, maybe you don't want anything else, if so then then sorry for overthinking".

The weird part about this text is that I wasn't even really surprised. My first thought was "typical BS response from someone with BPD". In case anyone is wondering, I'm about 100% she ran off to Las Vegas with some guy and didn't want to tell me. I hesitate to call it cheating because apparently we weren't together. Or call it cheating, does it really matter now? I'm not an idiot other than the fact that I once loved this woman with all my heart and she is utterly incapable of being honest, faithful, and emotionally available in a relationship. There was probably someone else all along and I wasn't wise to it. If she has a boyfriend/FWB/guy, she did a really really good job of hiding it. I literally had no idea if so. She was always available to talk and never mentioned anything to me. There were literally no signs at all of anyone else. Maybe she is recycling with someone else now as well as me. I look back at the last few months and have to assume that is what she was doing with me. It felt like she wanted more from me and all the signs were there. I'm in a weird place this morning. It's like I care but I'm not even that hurt to be honest. I slept well last night and I will go about my day like any other. I honestly doubt she will contact me today or any time in the near future. The unfortunate part is that I will probably hear from her again in the future. I just need to walk away and walk away FOREVER. This stuff is insane crazy and I'm too old(she is too)to deal with this. My point in sharing this is to provide an experience that my help someone else down the road. I feel strangely calm and happy today and I don't know why. I guess I know it's over and I can continue moving on like I was previously. This isn't my problem and nothing can fix it. I still like the person I am and it feels so good to say that.

I would really appreciate any thoughts or commentary from other users. Please tell me I'm not the only fool in the world... .

-Met in August 2010 and dated for 3 years

-First discard: April 2013

-2nd discard: October 2013

-3rd(?)discard: July 2015

[ShadowIntheNight]

You're right, she either was seeing someone and you didn't realize it, she was alone til someone popped back up on her radar, or she had had a "breakup" with someone else and you were the backup til they showed back up. My presumptions are based on your details being accurate.

I understand you feel happy now, but don't be surprised if in a few days or weeks that changes and you get majorly depressed. I was furious at my ex for two weeks and when that passed went into a major depression. Though not major, I am still depressed almost a year later.

I will say this, I don't know if your ex was a diagnosed BPD or not, but regardless she's a dog. She knew she was leading you on. Unless she's brainless, then she has an excuse. But rarely are people that naive about their actions. Frankly, I'd block her if my ex did that. Then she'd know your affections weren't there to be toyed with.

[mks10]

2 years ago, I would have been absolutely devastated. Today, I'm just kind of numb. I think I held back enough of my heart and emotions to get through this situation. I was definitely led to believe one thing and now this happens. What can I do though? Delete, block, move on... .UGH.

[arlers]

Hi there, I recognise your ex's behaviour so much as very similar to that of mine! The re-engagements and then suddenly going quiet and not saying anything about her movements etc - clearly when she's off with someone new.I have not contacted my ex now since November 2014 although she has texted and phoned me. I told her to leave me alone as I have been burned so badly in this rship with her - 5 years! Like you  I do not expect to hear from her again... .but I probably will at some point. I really loved her still think of her every day. I'm sick of it. I get on with my life but i still find it hard to get over. Why I'm not too sure? she's a liar, cheater, twists the truth, disloyal... .charming, warm but then a COLD AS The COLDeST ICE MAIDEN. Cannot work it out, wish i could just get a day's peace from it in my head.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Would it be terrible to offer you both condolences and congratulations, mks10?  Condolences because it sucks, if only a little bit since you held back and kept your head on straight, and congratulations that you got away without having gone in the deep end.  Hope that doesn't sound tacky.

As I read your post it made me think of my alcoholic boyfriend.  A great, funny, charismatic guy that I loved and all of my friends loved.  I spent three years with a lot of b/u's along the way ALWAYS hoping it was going to be different.  But it never was.  It still isn't.  And that was 25 years ago.  He's learned how to be a functional alcoholic and can white knuckle it M-F.  But on the weekends, game ON.  So very glad that is not my life.   

Let's all go get the lives we want and deserve!

[mks10]

Aaaaaaand she wants to talk to me tonight. Any guesses as to what she wants to say to me? Do I get blamed for everything or do I get the the "I met someone else... ." talk? UGH.

[mks10]

I'm not sure how much of this figures in to everything but I found out Tuesday night that she is going to potentially default on 6 credit cards in the next 90 days and she is going to be evicted from her rented property anywhere from 30 days to 5 months from now due to her owner's short sale/or foreclosure. She had to sign off on the credit card paperwork on Monday and I'm willing to bet that is about when she sent me that little nasty-gram text. Now she has to find homes for 2 horses, 3 goats, 7 dogs, 3 cats, 3 turtles, 12 chickens, and 3 pigs. She also has to find a new place with 4 bedrooms because 3 of her adult children(5 kids total)live with her and don't work. Did I mention she doesn't have a job and is living off child support and maintenance? I'm not really sure how this all spun so completely out of control... .just a huge huge mess right now.

[Infern0]

I'm not sure how much of this figures in to everything but I found out Tuesday night that she is going to potentially default on 6 credit cards in the next 90 days and she is going to be evicted from her rented property anywhere from 30 days to 5 months from now due to her owner's short sale/or foreclosure. She had to sign off on the credit card paperwork on Monday and I'm willing to bet that is about when she sent me that little nasty-gram text. Now she has to find homes for 2 horses, 3 goats, 7 dogs, 3 cats, 3 turtles, 12 chickens, and 3 pigs. She also has to find a new place with 4 bedrooms because 3 of her adult children(5 kids total)live with her and don't work. Did I mention she doesn't have a job and is living off child support and maintenance? I'm not really sure how this all spun so completely out of control... .just a huge huge mess right now.

You could just talk to her instead of jumping to a million conclusions.

On thing, you weren't "together" you were just talking so if she did hook up with someone else or something that's entirely her right.

My opinion, talk to her and see what she has to say, I don't think your mindset is helping you any. She's got BPD, if you were expecting things to be seamless and easy, it's your own fault.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Sounds like A LOT of chaos, mks10:  credit card debt, eviction, tons of animals,  non-working adult children living with her.  Sounds like she sincerely struggles to manage her life well.  Which I say more as a fact than as a criticism.  On top of which she is what you describe as "incapable of being honest, faithful or emotionally available."   

I can relate.   My ex sounds similar.   Crisis after crisis.   The weekend everything ended we'd had a fight (an every 2-3 day occurrence) during which he had txt'd me to "stay out of his life."   Upon reading it I literally said OUT LOUD to myself,  "yea, until there is another crisis."   Like clockwork he called and txts the next day pleading for help.   I said "no, I can't." I was just too tired of dealing with constant crisis.   I guess for a while the ride had been kind of fun and interesting.   Because I actually am truly good in a crisis.  So it was a natural fit in a lot of ways.   But it got old.   The crises plus the push/pull and the rage were too much and I didn't want to live that way anymore.   So I finally said,  "no."  I have not responded to a single plea since then... tho there have been several hundred... .including threats of suicide.   I just couldn't do it any longer.

So what is your plan from here?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

You could just talk to her instead of jumping to a million conclusions.

On thing, you weren't "together" you were just talking so if she did hook up with someone else or something that's entirely her right.

My opinion, talk to her and see what she has to say, I don't think your mindset is helping you any. She's got BPD, if you were expecting things to be seamless and easy, it's your own fault.

Ouch!

[mks10]

I'm not sure how much of this figures in to everything but I found out Tuesday night that she is going to potentially default on 6 credit cards in the next 90 days and she is going to be evicted from her rented property anywhere from 30 days to 5 months from now due to her owner's short sale/or foreclosure. She had to sign off on the credit card paperwork on Monday and I'm willing to bet that is about when she sent me that little nasty-gram text. Now she has to find homes for 2 horses, 3 goats, 7 dogs, 3 cats, 3 turtles, 12 chickens, and 3 pigs. She also has to find a new place with 4 bedrooms because 3 of her adult children(5 kids total)live with her and don't work. Did I mention she doesn't have a job and is living off child support and maintenance? I'm not really sure how this all spun so completely out of control... .just a huge huge mess right now.

You could just talk to her instead of jumping to a million conclusions.

On thing, you weren't "together" you were just talking so if she did hook up with someone else or something that's entirely her right.

My opinion, talk to her and see what she has to say, I don't think your mindset is helping you any. She's got BPD, if you were expecting things to be seamless and easy, it's your own fault.

You are exactly right. I appreciate your candor. I came to that conclusion last night too. If this sounds like I'm sugar-coating or making excuses for her, I'm not but I need to work on myself too. I Googled "talking to someone with BPD" last night and it was very very helpful. I made mistakes in the past and made another one last weekend in regards to putting her on the spot. I need to stop jumping to conclusions and work on better communication. She even mentioned to me a few weeks about the importance of communication. I will talk to her eventually and just see what she has to say. I just have to accept whatever I find out and go from there.

[Infern0]

I'm not sure how much of this figures in to everything but I found out Tuesday night that she is going to potentially default on 6 credit cards in the next 90 days and she is going to be evicted from her rented property anywhere from 30 days to 5 months from now due to her owner's short sale/or foreclosure. She had to sign off on the credit card paperwork on Monday and I'm willing to bet that is about when she sent me that little nasty-gram text. Now she has to find homes for 2 horses, 3 goats, 7 dogs, 3 cats, 3 turtles, 12 chickens, and 3 pigs. She also has to find a new place with 4 bedrooms because 3 of her adult children(5 kids total)live with her and don't work. Did I mention she doesn't have a job and is living off child support and maintenance? I'm not really sure how this all spun so completely out of control... .just a huge huge mess right now.

You could just talk to her instead of jumping to a million conclusions.

On thing, you weren't "together" you were just talking so if she did hook up with someone else or something that's entirely her right.

My opinion, talk to her and see what she has to say, I don't think your mindset is helping you any. She's got BPD, if you were expecting things to be seamless and easy, it's your own fault.

You are exactly right. I appreciate your candor. I came to that conclusion last night too. If this sounds like I'm sugar-coating or making excuses for her, I'm not but I need to work on myself too. I Googled "talking to someone with BPD" last night and it was very very helpful. I made mistakes in the past and made another one last weekend in regards to putting her on the spot. I need to stop jumping to conclusions and work on better communication. She even mentioned to me a few weeks about the importance of communication. I will talk to her eventually and just see what she has to say. I just have to accept whatever I find out and go from there.

No worries and I'm glad you understand.  One thing I struggle with myself is sometimes I have unrealistic expectations of my pwBPD and sometimes I let my own standards of behavior slip.

As your current situation you are just talking as friends, right now you should just take it as is. Putting the cart before the horse by wanting relationship type behaviour or loyalty isn't productive. Both of you are not committed to each other at this stage so as I say if either of you explores other options it's your right to do that, getting angry over it will be counterproductive and drive her away

[mks10]

One of the things we talked a lot about the last few months was wanting we had but wanting it to be better. I felt like I really did get better too. I was an emotional disaster back in October 2013 due to her pushing me away and I realized I had to make changes in my own life coming out of that situation. She immediately recognized changes in me now without me even saying anything. She said her life wasn't where she wanted it to be but she was working on it. Looking back, I feel like I was sucked back into the situation somewhat quickly but I could feel myself holding back some. She was telling me all kinds of things that you don't say to someone you are friends with... .or at least that is what it seemed like. I have female friends and I have never say stuff like this to them. I must have totally misunderstood her from the beginning though.

-Was telling her friends we were back in touch and she seemed genuinely excited

-She would go on and on about how much she missed me, about how much time we wasted being apart the last 19 months

-There is a song by Dierks Bentley titled "Say You Do" and how she would cry when she'd hear it on the radio because she missed what we once had

-Talked about how she was afraid she was pushing herself at me too fast

-Would text multiple times daily about everything she was doing, like she wanted me to know every part of her day

-Including me in her kid's lives again, I was texting her kids, etc... .

-Would talk about our past and all the things she missed, parts she liked, and parts she wanted again

I'm pretty sure a lot of it was classic BPD behavior. Engulfing me, then discard, then disappear. I honestly don't know all the answers and that is why I'm here. I'm nearly certain this discard will be lengthy, if not permanent so I'm really living me life just like I was prior to her reappearing again in May. For whatever reason, it's different this time for me. It's like she is trapped in the endless cycle of her emotions and I'm able to hop off the ride and be OK.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

It's like she is trapped in the endless cycle of her emotions and I'm able to hop off the ride and be OK.

Seems like that is the trick.  Well said.  Just hop off the ride!

[mks10]

It's like she is trapped in the endless cycle of her emotions and I'm able to hop off the ride and be OK.

Seems like that is the trick.  Well said.  Just hop off the ride!

I should have added "bad decisions" to that to.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

This may be something everyone else already knows, but I recently heard it for the first time.  Feels like another version of "hopping off the ride."  In my r/s what I was holding onto was completely NUTS!  (Not my pwBPD but his behavior, to be sure, but my magical thinking most of all)

From www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2010/09/letting-go-of-whats-trapping-you/:

In certain regions, such as in Southeast Asia, monkeys are considered to be pests, as they tend to create a great deal havoc in towns. Hunters in these areas are paid large sums to rid the towns of these bothersome monkeys, and they have discovered a rather simple way to capture the monkeys – one that ingeniously, though sadly, uses the monkey against himself.

What the hunters do is take a coconut and make a small hole, one  just large enough for the monkey’s hand to go straight inside. They then use the monkey’s favorite – nuts – and put a small handful inside the hallowed-out coconut. They then tie the coconut to a tree and wait patiently for the monkey to arrive, surely smiling to themselves and confident that the next monkey will face the same fate as the hundreds that went before him.

Expectedly, the monkey notices the coconut and sticks his hand in the hole to retrieve the delicious nuts. To his dismay, the monkey’s clenched fist cannot exit the hole. He tries and tries to pull his fist from the hole, becoming desperate and frightened. The monkey holds on so tightly to his nuts that it’s impossible for him to see how this is fact the one thing that is preventing him from achieving freedom. It is his own rigidity, his own desperate clinging to the nuts, that thwarts his escape.

This monkey, like many who have gone before him, starts screaming and continue to try to pull his arm violently out of the coconut while his hand remains clenched, causing even more pain and suffering. Eventually tired and worn out from the struggle, the monkey simply surrenders to his fate and awaits certain capture. In doing so, the monkey ironically loosens his grip on the nuts and amazingly discovers that he is free once he stops trying so hard to be free.

[patientandclear]

FWIW, MKS, I think your initial reaction to her Vegas development makes sense and I don't think you were mis-reading her signs. She WAS giving you reason to think you were re-engaging in a serious romantic r/ship. I don't think it's helpful or necessary to try to try to convince yourself that you over-read it and she meant just friends.

However, her posture has now shifted--and I know how painful that can be. I lived through my ex rapidly pursuing someone else after seeming to want to get back together with me when we first split. Unbelievably confusing and hurtful behavior, especially when you had opened yourself back up again and given her and your r/ship another chance. I'm sorry.

[Infern0]

FWIW, MKS, I think your initial reaction to her Vegas development makes sense and I don't think you were mis-reading her signs. She WAS giving you reason to think you were re-engaging in a serious romantic r/ship. I don't think it's helpful or necessary to try to try to convince yourself that you over-read it and she meant just friends.

However, her posture has now shifted--and I know how painful that can be. I lived through my ex rapidly pursuing someone else after seeming to want to get back together with me when we first split. Unbelievably confusing and hurtful behavior, especially when you had opened yourself back up again and given her and your r/ship another chance. I'm sorry.

I think it's important to learn the lessons from the first go around with BPD disordered people because most of what happens to us happens due to a lack of knowledge when it comes to the reality of dating.

PwBPD are notorious for stringing exes along which is why I adapted my approach to accelerate quickly when we got back into contact. I simply told her I'm not interested in friendship so unless she wants something romantic then I wasn't interested.  It worked to at least avoid that periods of months of hope.  I'd rather know straight away what vibe we are on.

In my case she appreciated the directness and we got back together.

I think giving the PwBPD the power in these situations is counterproductive,  the non needs to be the leader

One of the main reasons recycles fail is because the pwBPD hadn't changed but neither had the non.

It's like a boxer getting kod and then going into a rematch with the same exact strategy and being surprised when they got kod again.

[myself]

One of the main reasons recycles fail is because the pwBPD hadn't changed but neither had the non.

Another is the pwBPD didn't change but the other person did (boundaries, etc.).

[Infern0]

One of the main reasons recycles fail is because the pwBPD hadn't changed but neither had the non.

Another is the pwBPD didn't change but the other person did (boundaries, etc.).

Yeah absolutely and in those cases usually when it ends the non may be dissapointed and saddened but the deep depression and fog etc are avoided.  I've experienced a breakup with pwBPD in both cases and the second time around I was over it in a matter of days. When people end up on here after recycles in a bad way it's a clear sign they have more self work to do.  In those cases it comes as no surprise that it went badly

[myself]

Yeah, when I quit playing the game, and doing things from my side too to 'win', whatever FOG there was cleared away pretty quickly. The reality remained. It took that one last deep recycle to get there/really see it. To then be able to let go of her, and the attempt at us, and the ways that I was bending while with her. Being myself all along, just better at it now.

[Sadly]

Hi

to start with I think you have been very brave and strong to move away and re build your life. I envy you that distance, I am only a matter of days out and have a huge distance to travel yet. I have an unrealistic impossible wish that I could fall asleep and wake up a year later somewhere else and it all gone. How silly is that. We don't get anything for nothing and you have worked so very hard to get where you are now. Don't give up mate, please don't give up now. I had an odd thought just now. I smoke 20 cigarettes a day; used to be 10 but these last few months it has doubled (can't imagine why)  . when I talk to people sometimes they say " I gave it up for 5 years and then started again"? . My thought which I am quite positive about is if I went through the agony and misery of withdrawal for all that time there is no way on earth I would start again. Nicotine is an addiction and that's what I think a relationship with a BPD person eventually becomes. I am not saying that there wasn't/isn't real love involved, I love my ex (first time I have written ex) with all my heart and soul but these last few months I recognise my addiction to something seriously poisonous and bad for me, just like nicotine. Also, it seems like she is still using you very much. I don't know if I am stepping out of line here but lets face it, if a guy came along with a four bedroomed house and a huge field, a farm or even a zoo, guess who would end up down the road again. Really, do you want to be the one who is scooping up all that cr*p again, and I mean hers, not her animals. Well that's my two pennies worth. Block is what I would say, block and carry on with the life you are making for yourself and very good luck to you.  x

[mks10]

I think the biggest take-away for me when it comes to this situation is that I need professional help to come to terms with this and move on with my life. There have been other contributing factors but this situation with a xBPDgf has been traumatic for me. NC is an absolute must but I also think there are issues with me that need to be worked on. I want to be the absolute best version of me possible and I need help with that. My county has a very good non-profit mental health center and I'm going to contact them tomorrow. I came to that conclusion this morning and making that decision provided some kind of immediate relief. I know I"m going to get through this, I just need help in doing so.

[mks10]

Also, it seems like she is still using you very much. I don't know if I am stepping out of line here but lets face it, if a guy came along with a four bedroomed house and a huge field, a farm or even a zoo, guess who would end up down the road again. Really, do you want to be the one who is scooping up all that cr*p again, and I mean hers, not her animals. Well that's my two pennies worth. Block is what I would say, block and carry on with the life you are making for yourself and very good luck to you.  x

You are exactly right. She is never going to be able to sustain any sort of long-term relationship and be faithful/honest/loving in her state. It will always be sabotaged and she will always be miserable. Her Mom is that way and her fear was always ending up like her Mom. Basically bitter and alone.

[Sadly]

Yes, we all need help, I too am planning to move far away to North Wales, nearer my family. I am fortunate as an engineer to be able to work mostly from home so I don't need to worry about my job although I am surprised I still have one the state I have been in lately. I too will seek help from a therapist and also keep writing and listening here. I know like today when I have been curled up in total misery and shame that I cannot do this alone. I always promised my partner that I would never ever discuss our relationship with anyone, it was part of his paranoia and I constantly let him see my FB messages and emails but it never helped really. I kept my promise but dealing with it alone is terrifying and lonely. Finally I can talk about it albeit to strangers and it is such a relief, strangely though I feel guilty doing so . I truly admire you for how you are dealing with this. Its odd, people on here discuss moving onto a new relationship and deserving someone to love and cherish you the way you would them but the thought of that is so far away from being a possibility right now I feel sick at the thought of it. All the very best in the world my friend.   xx