Why do they spy?

[lipstick]

Hi family,

I am almost at the two-year mark since I was discarded by exBPDbf.  He went back to a long-term, abusive relationship and left me in the dust.   There was one attempt at contact. December of this past year. I received a Friend Request on Facebook, which I ignored. I was then blocked and, apparently, split black.

Here is what is puzzling - why, then, do our exes feel the need to spy on us if we are so "evil"?  My ex and I have a mutual friend on FB who knows what happened to our relationship. She watches his FB behavior and is absolutely convinced that most everything he posts is a direct, emotional reaction to something that I have posted. I have admittedly peeked a few times to see what she was talking about. She is correct and these aren't coincidences.  One example is that every time my partner puts up a new picture of me on my page - my phone will ring that night with "Private Name, Private Number" displayed on the caller i.d...   ?

My ex "seems" to be a happy, content man these days. He's acting like it, anyway. So why - after almost two years of the Silent Treatment & being painted black - is there a need to spy on me? And why does he still have an emotional reaction to me? Just send a decent apology and be done with it already.

Your thoughts?   

[Ventus2ct]

Hi family,

I am almost at the two-year mark since I was discarded by exBPDbf.  He went back to a long-term, abusive relationship and left me in the dust.   There was one attempt at contact. December of this past year. I received a Friend Request on Facebook, which I ignored. I was then blocked and, apparently, split black.

Here is what is puzzling - why, then, do our exes feel the need to spy on us if we are so "evil"?  My ex and I have a mutual friend on FB who knows what happened to our relationship. She watches his FB behavior and is absolutely convinced that most everything he posts is a direct, emotional reaction to something that I have posted. I have admittedly peeked a few times to see what she was talking about. She is correct and these aren't coincidences.  One example is that every time my partner puts up a new picture of me on my page - my phone will ring that night with "Private Name, Private Number" displayed on the caller i.d...   ?

My ex "seems" to be a happy, content man these days. He's acting like it, anyway. So why - after almost two years of the Silent Treatment & being painted black - is there a need to spy on me? And why does he still have an emotional reaction to me? Just send a decent apology and be done with it already.

Your thoughts?   

I guess because he still wishes to know and see if you will "bite" "react" to his actions, I would assume that if you did you wouldn't hear from him again for a while, him safe in the knowledge that he still has a slight inkling of control over you, because after all thats what its all about isn't it? Control.

You say he's happy, is he? I guess it's something you'll never know as I suspect you didn't even when you were with him. I never knew if mine was truly happy or just going through the motions.

[lipstick]

Hi Ventus,

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm blocked by him on FB, so I don't see what is going on. I've "peeked" a few times thru a friend's profile - but my ex never posts anything (unless he's reacting to me). Perhaps it is all about control. He has been told by everyone (including a massage therapist!) that he has control issues.

Yes, it "seems" he is a happy man these days. He has what he wanted. His old life back. However, my opinion is that if you are truly happy with your life - you wouldn't be spending so much of it on FB. But to each his own, right?

I just have a hard time trying to understand the disorder. I mean - if he hates me so much for "rejecting" his Friend Request - then why bother spying on me? Why should he give a rat's patootie what I'm up to these days? In an older thread of mine, another member stated that she believed part of it was competition. That he was competing with me on some level. Comparing my life to his and getting pi$$ed that I was doing okay without him.

Can it really be just for control? Or is there shame involved over what they did to us? That the "spying" comes from wanting to soothe themselves?  I actually experimented with my friend's theory about my ex. About two weeks ago - I was going to deactivate my FB account. Decided not to. My ex was, at that time, acting up on FB after seeing some new info on me. So I added some pictures to my page of the home we briefly shared together. Lo and behold - his FB frenzy came to a complete halt. Zero activity since those pics went up. Coincidence? Could be. But after everything I've seen and the weird phone calls - I just don't think so.

Why can't he just talk to me? Sheesh.

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Ventus,

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm blocked by him on FB, so I don't see what is going on. I've "peeked" a few times thru a friend's profile - but my ex never posts anything (unless he's reacting to me). Perhaps it is all about control. He has been told by everyone (including a massage therapist!) that he has control issues.

Yes, it "seems" he is a happy man these days. He has what he wanted. His old life back. However, my opinion is that if you are truly happy with your life - you wouldn't be spending so much of it on FB. But to each his own, right?

I just have a hard time trying to understand the disorder. I mean - if he hates me so much for "rejecting" his Friend Request - then why bother spying on me? Why should he give a rat's patootie what I'm up to these days? In an older thread of mine, another member stated that she believed part of it was competition. That he was competing with me on some level. Comparing my life to his and getting pi$$ed that I was doing okay without him.

Can it really be just for control? Or is there shame involved over what they did to us? That the "spying" comes from wanting to soothe themselves?  I actually experimented with my friend's theory about my ex. About two weeks ago - I was going to deactivate my FB account. Decided not to. My ex was, at that time, acting up on FB after seeing some new info on me. So I added some pictures to my page of the home we briefly shared together. Lo and behold - his FB frenzy came to a complete halt. Zero activity since those pics went up. Coincidence? Could be. But after everything I've seen and the weird phone calls - I just don't think so.

Why can't he just talk to me? Sheesh.

Lipstick, they do spy. They spy, stalk, and act in surveiling ways.  They dont trust anyone so they spy when you are in the r/s with them too.  My expBPD shared all his passwords and codes w me and wanted mine.  I relented thinking I was modeling the theme that love does not control.  I broke down and gave him my passwords over time.  He checked my phone, my texts, and ems to see what time I logged on.  He linked our calendars together. He had security  cameras in his home. .  He was always aware of who was driving several cars behind him and a keen scene of his surroundings at all times.  Was very strange.  We'd pull in somewhere and he would immediately spot someone vaguely familiar in a car at a distance.  Not sure what that was all about. 

I think your ex is spying on you currently bc hes still on the roller coaster lipstick checking in on you bc your happy and not taking the bait.  He may want to try to steal some of your happiness for his empty bottomless internal well.  And in his mind he can now look at your FB and rewrite the story to fit his emotion- which would be that you left him for someone else. 

All so incredibly strange BPD madness. Btw after mine discarded me he deleted me from all of the above.

[lipstick]

I think your ex is spying on you currently bc hes still on the roller coaster lipstick checking in on you bc your happy and not taking the bait.  He may want to try to steal some of your happiness for his empty bottomless internal well.  And in his mind he can now look at your FB and rewrite the story to fit his emotion- which would be that you left him for someone else.  

All so incredibly strange BPD madness. Btw after mine discarded me he deleted me from all of the above.

Hi Caredverymuch,

Wow! Your ex sounds paranoid as hell!  Was he ex-FBI or something?  

I dunno about the rollercoaster thing - after almost two years? He seems very content. Happy to be back in his old life. Cheerful and carefree. He has a large, extended family. So I believe this represents him never being abandoned. So there really isn't a reason to see what I'm doing. Although I am looking pretty good these days!    

[Caredverymuch]

I think your ex is spying on you currently bc hes still on the roller coaster lipstick checking in on you bc your happy and not taking the bait.  He may want to try to steal some of your happiness for his empty bottomless internal well.  And in his mind he can now look at your FB and rewrite the story to fit his emotion- which would be that you left him for someone else. 

All so incredibly strange BPD madness. Btw after mine discarded me he deleted me from all of the above.

Hi Caredverymuch,

Wow! Your ex sounds paranoid as hell!  Was he ex-FBI or something?   

I dunno about the rollercoaster thing - after almost two years? He seems very content. Happy to be back in his old life. Cheerful and carefree. He has a large, extended family. So I believe this represents him never being abandoned. So there really isn't a reason to see what I'm doing. Although I am looking pretty good these days!   

Lipstick! Paranoid as hell for sure and a full blown borderline.  Paranoia is also part of their blueprint. 

Idk why then your may be cking in on you.  I can share that I am in a professional setting daily with someone i highly suspect is BPD and he spends a great deal of time stalking and never posting on FB. Knows what everyone is up too.  I think its just more of the fun way they live 

Keep on smiling lipstick and enjoying your better life!

[lipstick]

Can they really be this childish? I just thought of something else that happened.

A few weeks ago, I purchased a really cool little electronic "gizmo" for my partner. It's so cute and funky that I posted a little video of it in action on FB. Yes, this is something the BPDex would have loved as well. At the same time the video was posted, my partner also added a new pic of me. A very nice pic, I must say (makes me look younger!). Shows how much my appearance has changed since the ex (smiling!).

Anyway - that is exactly the time the ex began his most recent FB "frenzy". Our mutual friend believes the ex actually got jealous over the "toy" and acted out from that jealousy. And the new picture. Do they behave that childishly? I guess so... .

[Caredverymuch]

Can they really be this childish? I just thought of something else that happened.

A few weeks ago, I purchased a really cool little electronic "gizmo" for my partner. It's so cute and funky that I posted a little video of it in action on FB. Yes, this is something the BPDex would have loved as well. At the same time the video was posted, my partner also added a new pic of me. A very nice pic, I must say (makes me look younger!). Shows how much my appearance has changed since the ex (smiling!).

Anyway - that is exactly the time the ex began his most recent FB "frenzy". Our mutual friend believes the ex actually got jealous over the "toy" and acted out from that jealousy. And the new picture. Do they behave that childishly? I guess so... .

Yes lipstick they do. Bc they are children in adult bodies. Using childhood tactics to gain attention.  Plus, they like those new gizmos electronics and toys!

[lipstick]

Caredverymuch,

Your response made me laugh!  Thank you!

I guess it's possible that he got jealous of the toy. Plus, his long-term partner would never do anything like that for him. And it definitely is something he would have LOVED to play with!   

[Caramel]

Hi Lipstick  

"It makes him feel insecure that you don't need him.  It is just another example of the disorder involving child like emotions and pathological envy of anyone who can become whole again after the Borderline sullies their identity.

Getting your identity back and becoming whole again by healing from the failed attachment confuses a Borderline. Work on that! "   2010  

[lipstick]

Hi Caramel,

Those are great quotes from 2010. 

Thank you!

[Happy1]

When I think about their spying, I also, now, think about my spying, too. My r/s was always a case of "one ups-manship" with each other. It was based on trying to make the other feel jealous or envious of the other. For uBPDex I think it was to gain some sense of not just normalcy, but specifically superiority over me. I always felt that she knew she was "damaged goods/flawed/less-than" and picked me as a person to get involved with to use as a low hurdle (I had pretty low self esteem at the time we met) to elevate herself and her internal feelings of self worth. Of course, this was a double edged sword for her too. Because of my own poor self esteem she could gloat on one side of the coin and use her dismissal/moving on from me to make me complicit or to suffer (once she knew her "hooks" were in).

Now, years later when I hear about her through mutual friends or even see things from others FB pages from her, it's always so joyous and happy, but that's how all of our photos were too. If you judged our relationship simply by her disposition in all of the photos we had together, you'd think life couldn't have been happier. It was all so weird. I can remember noticing how she would literally pose and glow, like a light switch had been turned on, anytime someone was about to capture her in an image.

Pay no attention to these people, their live's and mind's are so thoroughly screwed up and they love "game playing" like no other, it's not even worth your time to try and understand their motives and intentions. Have you ever considered that they're not just playing games with you, but others too at the same time with these FB postings? This also could be happening, which is even more ill. Remember, it might not just be all about you here either, too. Scary, huh?

Also, realize that they don't understand their motives or intentions, really either. It, for them, is the way it has always been and most likely always will be. Endless emotional games, with EVERYONE. Given that, I'll say this in closing. You'll lose if you try to hang with them and play these childish games. Why? Because they've had a whole life of practice/experience and they have no depth limit in terms of how far they will go to hurt you or to exact some kind of revenge upon you. Your engagement with them only fuels their egos so, that they can live within themselves another day and keeps them going longer in a place they are comfortable being in -- making you the bad person and themselves the good person. Give up on them. Move on. You'll be glad you did.

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Lipstick  

"It makes him feel insecure that you don't need him.  It is just another example of the disorder involving child like emotions and pathological envy of anyone who can become whole again after the Borderline sullies their identity.

Getting your identity back and becoming whole again by healing from the failed attachment confuses a Borderline. Work on that! "   2010  

I have to agree with Caramel and 2010.  My t told me if you want to hurt a borderline, act completely indifferent to them.  They cant stand knowing you've moved on and they can no longer affect you.  Seems perhaps your situation.  But in your case, its genuine you have happily moved on and for that be very glad.

[lipstick]

Caredverymuch,

I hope I've moved on. It really, really hurt when he blocked me on FB back in December. Like I was somehow the bad guy here. And then (it seemed) to just forget I existed. But I have seen evidence to the contrary.

I had held out some hope that he might try to reach out again. I would very much like to speak with him and perhaps someday be casual "friends". We've known each other since 1979. That's a long time. I don't like thinking that he will hate me forever. That truly bothers me. It shouldn't... .but it does.

I understand on the indifference thing. And on so many levels - my life is better than his. I don't want him to have a shabby life. But it is what he's chosen. He apparently doesn't see it that way. Acts like it is just the best life EVER !  So happy and upbeat ! 

I suppose if I'm going to stay on FB - I just have to accept that he will perhaps always be on the fringes. Checking up on me from time to time. But never able to bring himself to actually contact me and communicate.

[lipstick]

Hi Happy2,

Thank you for a great response!

I don't try to compete or "one-up" my ex. I'm just getting on with things as best I can. I know that's a battle I can't win - trying to play games with him. Too much experience. Plus, I'm not a cruel person. My mind does not function in that way. Can't scheme and plot on how to "get even" with another person.

My mom feels that the reason he spies on me is that I am like a pretty, sparkly jewel to him. One that he keeps in a special box and takes out on occasion to admire. Then puts it back in the box for safekeeping. I am (for lack of a better word) superior in numerous ways to his long-term partner. Not worth noting any of it. Doesn't matter. She and I are polar-opposites, to say the least.

So maybe he looks to compete with me. Maybe he looks out of shame and regret. Maybe he looks hoping to see my life in shambles. Maybe he looks because in his own way, he loved me. He is a coward.

And I have to add - it really infuriates me that he continues on like he never destroyed another human being, with absolutely zero consequences for his actions. Like he's just this great guy that everyone loves and admires. He's not. He lives in a small community. The antics between he and his long-term partner are well documented. By the police. And people talk. Maybe that's part of the reason no one ever comments on his FB posts. Or interacts with him. People know. And they stay away... .

[Happy1]

My mom feels that the reason he spies on me is that I am like a pretty, sparkly jewel to him. One that he keeps in a special box and takes out on occasion to admire. Then puts it back in the box for safekeeping

You're mom is right, it's called objectification and that is most certainly what all BPDs do to others.

So maybe he looks to compete with me. Maybe he looks out of shame and regret. Maybe he looks hoping to see my life in shambles. Maybe he looks because in his own way, he loved me. He is a coward.

I'm not sure he loves you like you and I (Nons) love. More like you admired and fantasized as a kid about an object (e.g. doll/playing dolls).

And I have to add - it really infuriates me that he continues on like he never destroyed another human being. Like he's just this great guy that everyone loves and admires. He's not. He lives in a small community. The antics between he and his long-term partner are well documented. By the police. And people talk. Maybe that's part of the reason no one ever comments on his FB posts. Or interacts with him. People know. And they stay away... .

Right again, when he feels enough pressure or has worn out his welcome and feels his behavior is exposed and he's at risk of not gaining anymore "narcissistic supply" (emotional regulation) from others, he'll move away. Then everyone will be happier.

Remember, they are like little children, they cannot reason that they did anything wrong to someone else, they do not have the capacity to empathize or to even acknowledge they're fault or terrible behavior. Doing so, is way too big of hurdle and would bring down their whole "house of cards" mental structure of themselves and how they operate/exist/rationalize their world. Have you ever wondered why so many murderers kill themselves once caught and imprisoned... ? It's all about the lies they tell themselves, that's how they live with themselves.

[lipstick]

Happy2,

I do "get" that they are like little children. So strange, really.  Mine does know what he did to me. I got a half-assed apology, scribbled on a piece of notebook paper, a week after he walked out on me. He then exhibited some very self-destructive behaviors following the discard. Drinking, reckless driving, spending money he didn't have, etc... .yet he didn't give a damn that I was on the verge of suicide. All About Him.

He definitely won't be moving away any time soon. Has lived in this community for close to 30 years now. But I think people avoid he and his partner. I do remember him telling me once that "there is a reason we don't get invited to anyone's home. There is a reason we don't have anyone over".  I think the two of them have earned a reputation over the years. People want nothing to do with the drama and violence. Normal folk don't like that garbage. I believe only family tolerates the two of them now. Yet he acts like everything is just fabulous ! 

[Caredverymuch]

Happy2,

I do "get" that they are like little children. So strange, really.  Mine does know what he did to me. I got a half-assed apology, scribbled on a piece of notebook paper, a week after he walked out on me. He then exhibited some very self-destructive behaviors following the discard. Drinking, reckless driving, spending money he didn't have, etc... .yet he didn't give a damn that I was on the verge of suicide. All About Him.

He definitely won't be moving away any time soon. Has lived in this community for close to 30 years now. But I think people avoid he and his partner. I do remember him telling me once that "there is a reason we don't get invited to anyone's home. There is a reason we don't have anyone over".  I think the two of them have earned a reputation over the years. People want nothing to do with the drama and violence. Normal folk don't like that garbage. I believe only family tolerates the two of them now. Yet he acts like everything is just fabulous ! 

Lipstick. Similar story different players.  Horrific these ppl carry on like they didn't devastate another person to worst degree and keep that sweet little gentle lamb personna. I dont fully buy that they can hide that responsibility under the disorder.  When its patterned behavior at the age they are, its not unconscience its deliberate .

When they have a hangnail, which is everyday and add on that constant headache too,  the world needs to know. And they then get to say "oops I didnt see that I left you in the depths of clinging for a reason to live after I emotionally tormented and abused you then discarded you to the curb, gotta go!"

[ScotisGone74]

To follow up on a previous post from Happy2 ,

Confucius say ' when you wrestle with a pig you will both get muddy, the difference is that the pig will like it'.   

The great thing about 'getting even' with these people is that you don't have to lift a finger, they take care of it themselves eventually.     

[lipstick]

Hi ScotisGone,

I dunno about the whole "getting even" will take care of itself. He went back to his old life and hasn't skipped a beat. Partner took him right back - no questions asked. Even told him "Come on home when you're done with your little fling!".  And he did.

No repercussions for his actions. I'm permanently damaged from the experience. I acknowledge that. I just sometimes allow myself to get really outraged at the fact he pays no price for his behaviors. Others suffer... .he does not. Grrrrr. He goes right on acting like his life is absolutely the BEST and he is a special kind of awesome !  

[ScotisGone74]

Lipstick I'm sorry to hear that.    Although it may appear that way right now with him  within you lies the truth about this person.    Would you want to give everything you have to someone who leads another life/ lives?   Would you be able to tolerate the constant lies each day that came from their mouth?    Justice or 'karma' doesn't always come when we want it, it just happens, and honestly I wouldn't want to be caught out in a lightning storm in these peoples' shoes. 

[lipstick]

ScotisGone,

Yes, I hear what you're saying. No, I would not be his doormat like the partner is. It just sucks that there are no repercussions for these folk. Dishing out pain to good people - then skipping away without a backwards glance at the destruction in their wake.

I know, I know. It's the Disorder. I get that. It just annoys me how he puts on a such a false front when I've seen behind the curtain. Yet he continues to want to know what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with ! 

[Overbeck]

Every Tuesday i get a report on who looks me up on the Internet. Every single Tuesday I see either her name or "a 40 year old female in Logan, Utah" in the report. It is my alcoholic Borderline ex.

I only appear on 2 social networking sites. Twitter and another for people with, how shall I say, diverse proclivities. I know she reads them both.

I write a weekly column. Her and I had an unfortunate and randomly bizarre run in on Wednesday. On Thursday, a non de plume commented on my column... .using verbiage that I recognize as her stamp when she is in one of her moods.

Why do they spy? I can only speak for myself. She does not want me out of her life---but she does not want me in it. She keeps me close enough that if the need arises for her to latch on to me--like the parasite that she is--she has the ammunition to attack me at a moment's notice.

Information is power. And power and control are what keeps Borderlines from panicking.

[lipstick]

Overbeck,

Thank you for your response and "Bingo!" - "she doesn't want me out of her life and she doesn't want me in it".

I feel the same way about my ex!  Kind of like - he doesn't want me (right now), but he hates the thought that I am with someone else. May I ask how long has your relationship been over? Mine is approaching two years (October 2012).  

I often imagine him sitting in his old, shabby recliner. Laptop open to my Facebook page. Reading / looking at my information. And I wonder just what is going thru that tarry mind of his?  It makes me sad mostly. It would be such a simple, healing act for both of us if he would just reach out and communicate with me.

I've been told that it's just a matter of time before he does try to actually contact me again. Something will trigger him. I hope by then I'm indifferent and just won't care. That I won't need the closure. That would be great!

BTW - my ex and his long-term partner are also alcoholics.

[BacknthSaddle]

Lipstick, they do spy. They spy, stalk, and act in surveiling ways.  They dont trust anyone so they spy when you are in the r/s with them too.  My expBPD shared all his passwords and codes w me and wanted mine.  I relented thinking I was modeling the theme that love does not control.  I broke down and gave him my passwords over time.  He checked my phone, my texts, and ems to see what time I logged on. 

I remember my ex telling me how her previous ex had spied on her, and when I pointed out what a violation of trust that is, she said "I mean, I spied on him too.  I'll probably spy on you too."  Yet another enormous red flag that I chose to overlook.

To address the spying question: I think it's most helpful to view all BPD relationships as "attachments" and to remember that, to pwBPD, ALL attachments are fragile and capable of breaking at any time.  In theory, literally all of the pwBPD's attachments could go at any time in his/her mind.  So, as a result, ALL attachments have to be preserved to some degree, or at least checked on to make sure they haven't broken.  There are no "bad attachments," no people you genuinely want out of your life.  So I agree with the others: if you address this in any way, it's just proof that your attachment is still viable.   The only way to communicate clearly that it is not viable is, ironically, to communicate nothing at all. 

[lipstick]

BackNtheSaddle,

Excellent points. Thank you for the response. I want to be sure I understand - my ex spies on me because he does not want to lose the fragile attachment. Even though I am currently "painted black", he still wants to make sure I'm around. Is this about right? That he still wants the connection? He used that word a lot, by the way (connection).  Could that be the reason he reacts so strongly to posts / pictures on my FB page? That there is still emotion involved on his part?

I guess it doesn't compute with him that the longer he goes on with the "Silent Treatment", the less likely it is that I will respond to an overture in the future. Ah, well. I don't try to communicate with him. I don't want that rotten feeling of being ignored & given the ST. He doled out enough of that to me when I was discarded. I sometimes wonder if he has some kind of weird perception of time. Like he doesn't realize how much time has actually passed since we were together.

[Happy1]

Hi ScotisGone,

I dunno about the whole "getting even" will take care of itself. He went back to his old life and hasn't skipped a beat. Partner took him right back - no questions asked. Even told him "Come on home when you're done with your little fling!".  And he did.

So now you know what it's like to be his partner. Imagine how "not so great" it must be for the person who took him back. That's truly sad.

No repercussions for his actions. I'm permanently damaged from the experience. I acknowledge that. I just sometimes allow myself to get really outraged at the fact he pays no price for his behaviors. Others suffer... .he does not. Grrrrr. He goes right on acting like his life is absolutely the BEST and he is a special kind of awesome !  

You're not "permanently damaged" only just hurting from the relationship you had with a mentally ill person. You'll recover, move on, and be a much better and likely mentally healthy person yourself. Besides, because you hurt as you do, you can be assured that you "feel" empathy and compassion, two great humanizing virtues, he does not have (and likely would love to feel as indicated by how he manipulates and masquerades his life toward others).

You know he's not awesome, and that fact alone probably bother him a ton and reinforces why he has to trying so hard to appear happy, because he likely, in his mind, thinks you've told everyone how terrible he truly is (paranoid ideation). If you saw it, he's insecure that others likely will see him for the miserable wretch that he is too and he'll be exposed. In fact, these days, when I see someone else trying so hard to appear to show their happiness so flagrantly to the world, I pause. In most cases it's a dead giveaway for deeper mental health/emotional issues.

He spies because he's insecure about him, you, and the whole world. He "matches" (mimmicks/mirrors) you, because he sees you as being someone he would aspire to be like. Recall these people have severe personal identity issues. He tries to out do you, because if a little of being like you is good, a whole lot more of being like you is even better, both for him internally and externally.

All just like a little child. And by these childish actions, you can pretty accurately surmise the age at which his development was likely arrested due to some sort of trauma or abuse. Which is where someday you'll begin to feel compassion for him.

[BacknthSaddle]

BackNtheSaddle,

Excellent points. Thank you for the response. I want to be sure I understand - my ex spies on me because he does not want to lose the fragile attachment. Even though I am currently "painted black", he still wants to make sure I'm around. Is this about right? That he still wants the connection? He used that word a lot, by the way (connection).  Could that be the reason he reacts so strongly to posts / pictures on my FB page? That there is still emotion involved on his part?

Exactly. As my ex once said while we were together: "Please don't ever leave me, not batter how awful I am to you, no matter how much I say I don't need you." 

(And I said of course I won't! God how we get sucked in).

I would caution you about trying to interpret the "emotion" he feels though. It's likely not one that would make a lot of sense to you, and it's best to just ignore.

As for your other point: my ex was always vague about time too, always off by a couple months here, a couple there. Others have noted this as well. It has to do with their use of dissociation; they separate themselves out from the parts of their timeline that they no longer want to own.

[lipstick]

So now you know what it's like to be his partner. Imagine how "not so great" it must be for the person who took him back. That's truly sad.

No repercussions for his actions. I'm permanently damaged from the experience. I acknowledge that. I just sometimes allow myself to get really outraged at the fact he pays no price for his behaviors. Others suffer... .he does not. Grrrrr. He goes right on acting like his life is absolutely the BEST and he is a special kind of awesome !  

You're not "permanently damaged" only just hurting from the relationship you had with a mentally ill person. You'll recover, move on, and be a much better and likely mentally healthy person yourself. Besides, because you hurt as you do, you can be assured that you "feel" empathy and compassion, two great humanizing virtues, he does not have (and likely would love to feel as indicated by how he manipulates and masquerades his life toward others).

You know he's not awesome, and that fact alone probably bother him a ton and reinforces why he has to trying so hard to appear happy, because he likely, in his mind, thinks you've told everyone how terrible he truly is (paranoid ideation). If you saw it, he's insecure that others likely will see him for the miserable wretch that he is too and he'll be exposed. In fact, these days, when I see someone else trying so hard to appear to show their happiness so flagrantly to the world, I pause. In most cases it's a dead giveaway for deeper mental health/emotional issues.

He spies because he's insecure about him, you, and the whole world. He "matches" (mimmicks/mirrors) you, because he sees you as being someone he would aspire to be like. Recall these people have severe personal identity issues. He tries to out do you, because if a little of being like you is good, a whole lot more of being like you is even better, both for him internally and externally.

All just like a little child. And by these childish actions, you can pretty accurately surmise the age at which his development was likely arrested due to some sort of trauma or abuse. Which is where someday you'll begin to feel compassion for him.

Happy2,

This was an amazing post and I thank you.  Yes, I often think about how sad their relationship must be in reality. They are not intimate with each other. That stopped about 13 years ago.  She is a good deal older than he is, has gone thru menopause, and has physical / mental issues that keep her from engaging in intercourse.  She is also 100% dependent on him for everything. She cannot support herself financially and has no marketable skills. Her age plays into that as well.

No, he is not awesome. And I do believe he thinks I told everyone what happened between us. Reality is - very few people know. When he blocked me on FB in December, I sent an email explaining to him that my family & friends would not be happy to see we were "Friends" after what they had to watch me go thru. He then deleted about ninety of our mutual friends. Shame, much?

He has acknowledged that I'm a good person. I am the absolute opposite of his partner in every way. He was so proud of me in the beginning - his few friends said they had never seen him so happy and focused. Everyone was excited for him and told him to "run, don't walk" from his abusive partner.

Ah, well. It's a sad thing. I would love to talk to him. Hear his voice again. I hate that he hides in the shadows and watches me from a distance. But I have to continue taking care of my needs and doing my own thing. And it's pretty darn good, really. 

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BacknthSaddle,

You said:

Exactly. As my ex once said while we were together: "Please don't ever leave me, not batter how awful I am to you, no matter how much I say I don't need you." 

(And I said of course I won't! God how we get sucked in).

I would caution you about trying to interpret the "emotion" he feels though. It's likely not one that would make a lot of sense to you, and it's best to just ignore.

As for your other point: my ex was always vague about time too, always off by a couple months here, a couple there. Others have noted this as well. It has to do with their use of dissociation; they separate themselves out from the parts of their timeline that they no longer want to own. end quote.

I don't think the emotion he feels is "love" or "missing me". I think he gets a little angry, honestly. Then the acting out on FB starts - adding a ton of new "Friends" (try like 16 in one day!) and putting up posts that are a direct response to something on FB of my own. I do believe he feels badly for how he treated me. The closer we get to the actual "discard" date (October 2nd), the more he will do this. It happened last year and it's happening again.

I won't be initiating contact of any kind. He just ignores it, anyway. I did a little experiment last month to see if I could calm his FB behavior. It worked. However, last Friday a friend of mine asked me to post a picture of my new haircut on FB. I had my partner take the pic and post it. My phone rings that night around the time the ex would have been off of work. "Private name, Private number".  Nonsense.

Thank you for your thoughts on all of this. It's much appreciated!