Advice for SO w/BPD resources

[Kaymer]

Hello, I am 27M w/ADHD and my fiance is 26F with BPD. We have been together for 3 years and i am looking for advice and support.
I honestly dont know how to support myself. I have been the source of all of her support for years now and it is all hitting hard on that things have to change. I wanted to ask probably the simplest questions that have been answered a 1000 times(idk yet how to use this site yet so bear with me if there was a way to look this up.
1. How do I connect with others who have significant others with bpd so I can get direct advice and help with feeling of going throught this alone
2. Therapy is expensive and feels almost impossible because I don't make that much and insurance doesn't cover enough. Is there group therapys online for free anywhere for family members?
3.What resources are best to get advice on breaking the BPD roller coaster?
4. What does BPD remission look like? Some people make it sound like a cure.
5. What resources are best for her?
6. Can my fiance be a good parent? I hear alot of horror stories and rarely a success story of a bpd parent?
7. How do I know if I can climb the insurmountable mountain of personal change possible so I don't take bpd rage or words personally? I don't think they are acceptable but I do want to be able to be supportive with boundaries?

I know I have thousand more questions. I hope some can be answered.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CoChuck]

Kaymer - I am glad you are considering these things before in advance of your wedding.

Living with a pwBPD is a challenge, without a doubt. But, simply knowing my partner has BPD wasn't enough for me to make the adjustments in my world to help her succeed. Discovering my wife has Quiet BPD has helped me understand why her interactions with me were so BPD-like while she did not do any of the more extreme behaviors I read about.

My wife has been a wonderful mother, great with family finances, and an incredibly faithful partner. That said, I did not have the courage to work when our children were young, talking about money is impossible with her, and we have not been sexually intimate in years. Still, the 70-90% of the time we are getting along, life is wonderful.

I am also considering ways I can create an environment to facilitate our success. I, too, have ADD.  I know it can be a tremendous strength in certain situations and a liability in others. We live in a world were accommodations, resources, and tools are available to help us succeed.

I believe BPD can be the same, if we discover the accommodations, resources and tools to help them succeed.

You will get some great advice on this site.  I also have recently learned a term called Favorite Person (FP). I realized I am my wife's FP, which explains why she becomes broken with any sign of my disapproval or unhappiness.

[kells76]

Hey Kaymer and welcome! We're glad you reached out to us. Ask any question you need -- it's your life and your process no matter what others may have asked before. Kind of like how just because someone in the past figured out arithmetic, doesn't mean you don't get to learn it yourself and ask questions about it yourself.

1. How do I connect with others who have significant others with bpd so I can get direct advice and help with feeling of going throught this alone

You're in a great place (the "Bettering a relationship" board) for connecting with members trying to improve their BPD relationships. Keep reading and posting here as much as you need to.

2. Therapy is expensive and feels almost impossible because I don't make that much and insurance doesn't cover enough. Is there group therapys online for free anywhere for family members?

While I don't know if it can officially be called therapy, there are a couple of organizations that provide free peer support groups for family members. One is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder which offers the Family Connections™ - BPD/Emotion Dysregulation Program. Check it out; it's completely free though there is a 5-6 month waiting list. I'm currently waitlisted for an opening this summer.

Another one is the National Alliance on Mental Illness; while I haven't personally participated in their groups, I have heard it is reputable and I believe it is also free. Worth a look.

3.What resources are best to get advice on breaking the BPD roller coaster?

A good place to start could be our book review section. One reputable title is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Y. Manning, PhD. Your local public library may have a copy, if cost is an issue.

4. What does BPD remission look like? Some people make it sound like a cure.

I think it really depends on the individual. My H and I (he does not have BPD) saw a marriage counselor for a while, and we talked about our FOO's (families of origin) with the MC. Our MC suspected that both H's mom and my mom may have had BPD traits. I would say that neither of our moms currently have overt BPD traits or behaviors, and both of them have done extensive therapy, though on the other hand, we don't live with our parents and have not for a long time. I still see glimmers of hypersensitivity/defensiveness with my mom, and my H's mom tends more towards bickering/conflict, but we're in contact with and love both of them.

My H's kids' mom, however, has had many very difficult traits and behaviors over the last 10+ years, and while my H does not seem to be her target of blame any longer, I don't think she has improved at all. She simply has a different target.

My guess would be that it would be more like remission from an eating disorder, or sobriety after alcoholism -- the urges may still be there and crop up now and then, but with intensive long term therapy, the person can manage those urges in a healthier way that impacts loved ones less.

5. What resources are best for her?

Again, it really depends. Each pwBPD is also an individual and unique human being, with particular sensitivities and strengths.

Does she have a diagnosis? If so, does she accept her diagnosis? Is she engaging in any kind of treatment right now?

6. Can my fiance be a good parent? I hear alot of horror stories and rarely a success story of a bpd parent?

I suspect that parenthood presents profound challenges to pwBPD (who struggle to have a sense of self and who have high emotional needs), especially as young children grow and naturally want to differentiate/individuate. It is rare to hear of an untreated, or under-treated, pwBPD who was able to be a sacrificial, nurturing, child-focused parent. Those are already difficult traits for "generally normal" parents but may be beyond the parenting capability of a pwBPD.

It may be worth exploring if your GF would be willing to do couples counseling with you so you both have a neutral place to discuss your future together.

7. How do I know if I can climb the insurmountable mountain of personal change possible so I don't take bpd rage or words personally? I don't think they are acceptable but I do want to be able to be supportive with boundaries?

I think you know after you learn some new tools and skills, and do your best to use them over a long stretch of time. There aren't many quick fixes when it comes to BPD dynamics -- you two didn't get here overnight -- but yes, you truly do have the opportunity to make changes yourself, that can make your own life more livable.

...

What would you say is the #1 challenge in your relationship right now?

[Kaymer]

My fiance was diagnosed 5 yrs ago I believe and she has been in and out of therapy her whole life. She has many different traumas that are wide ranged. I believe this is why she has been pushing back on the idea of therapy. Lately she says that she has gone through therapy for forever and learned what she needed so she doesn't want to go back. Her last Psych appointment went poorly in her eyes. The doctor said she has been in psychosis for over a month.
I can say that idk a timeline of when she hasn't shown signs of psychosis. Either with Splitting, extreme devaluation of friends or family, breakdown of logical thinking, extreme anger over something as small as I looked at my phone when I got in a car instead of starting a conversation first.
 I just learned that I have been thinking about this relationship all wrong. This is my first relationship that has meant anything and example in my life of good relationships are few and far between. My mother is bipolar but we didn't know that growing up so manic episodes were normal and I see now was traumatizing. I read the 5 love languages book at the very beginning of our relationship. So I thought that I needed to find her needs and meet them. Those needs over the last 3 years consume me. To her I must spend the whole time I'm home with her at all times u less she needs wants to do an activity like painting or video games which are solo activities. I must always go to church on Sundays with her so I can make her feel like noone there hates her because she believes if they don't talk to her immediately then they hate her. All my life has been is be what she needs and not about what I need. When I say I want to go play video games she pleads me not to and that I can't because she hasn't seen me all day. Even though we were together at 5pm and it is now 7pm. We live together and I come home everyday waiting to find out what plan she has made and "pretends" we have compromised on. I just accept stuff in the last year since if I don't a huge fight will happen and can turn nasty cops have been involved and she has gone to the mental hospital for the night then she gets released. I do my best but I'm realizing that "best" is not what I need.
We just had a fight last week that turned into her yelling and me leaving the apartment because i couldn't take the verbal abuse or the pushing me.
I need a change I will make one thing I do not want to leave her. Not because she has noone because she does have family that can help but because I do love her with everything I have. She has always accepted me and has done amazingly well with calming exercises for me and taking care of me when she is not at her worst.
I am taking multiple steps the last few days I reached out to a friend that knows alot about bpd and she helped me alot. I joined this site today and I signed up for the support class that was mentioned in the previous comment. The email said it will be 4-6 months before a response. I also am listening to  Stop walking on eggshells. I lastly reached out to a cheap therapist office where I can see an intern but it seems that will take awhile before I can get in.
I have so much I could say but I don't want to put 15 pages down because that is to much for anyone to unpack.

[thankful person]

6. Can my fiance be a good parent? I hear alot of horror stories and rarely a success story of a bpd parent?

Hi Kaymer and welcome. You will get so much advice and support here. To be honest, once I made some basic changes such as learning not to invalidate (do not reassure or disagree for example), I saw immediate changes, but for sure some things took months and three years since joining bpd fam I’m still learning.

I wanted to answer question 6 mainly because I have lots of experience with this and it is such a double edged sword. I want to start with the positive because I am absolutely humbled by what a good mother my wife is. We have 3 children under the age of 5, lesbian marriage and my wife has carried and birthed all our ivf babies.

I have worked with young children for nearly 30 years. I thought I knew it all. Leave them to get on with things and figure things out and they will grow tough and strong. Despite the fact that I was suicidal at age 12 and could this be connected to my mother working so much from when I was a small baby… who knows?

Anyway, I have learnt so so so much from dbpdw in the way she has raised our children. She has breastfed all of them almost exclusively and for a whole 6 months. She still co sleeps with them (which I absolutely hated). All of them have stayed at home with her and slept in her arms for at least the first 12-18 months. I am astounded to tell you that our children are so kind and confident, outgoing, sociable, helpful and wonderful little people. And I do believe this is largely due to my wife giving them so much love and time and attention, basically giving up her whole life for them for the first few years (and they are 18 months apart so she never got her life back between pregnancies and breastfeeding, co sleeping etc).

Ok so here is the flip side. My wife shouts a lot, rages, screeches, shrieks, you name it, usually at me but sometimes at the kids and sometimes for no good reason like she’s trying to get comfy to breast feed and will suddenly screech at everyone to get out. This often has them in tears and they quietly come to me for comfort.

My wife sometimes says horrible things to them like, “You always ruin everything”. She snatches things off them sometimes when she’s angry. She’s been known to snatch the children from my arms when they were babies. She is immensely jealous of their love for me and mine for them. She makes it very hard for them to have a relationship with my parents and family and has even threatened to physically throw me from the house during such arguments.

So whilst they honestly appear to be so emotionally and mentally healthy in so many ways… my eldest (4) has a speech delay and is showing signs of anxiety stuttering and scratching her skin (eczema and old chicken pox spots which haven’t healed). This is the same child who calls out hi and good morning and introduces herself to adults and children everywhere she goes, spreading so much joy.

But the truth is, I fear for their mental and emotional well being, now and in the future. I know things are much better than they would have been if I never found bpd fam and learnt to stand up for myself and to communicate with my wife better. But it’s been a very difficult time with all the babies, for about a year after each birth which has been most of my life the least few years, being told I’m not good enough etc etc ABs she wants me to leave… she seems to like me more since little turned 1 year but I can and will never trust in her love for me.

Hope that helps anyway and good luck with the journey.