Revelation: Giving into my daughter is actually feeding the monster

[BT400]

Reading a book by Daniel Lobel called “When your daughter has BPD” and it’s very helpful.

I have given into my daughter for years to decrease conflict and create peace for years and in my experience it doesn’t help. According to Lobel, this feeds into a lack of frustration tolerance negatively. He calls it feeding the monster. Monster is the illness.  This is sending the message to her that I cannot tolerate her frustration and therefore, neither should she. Which adds to her fears and makes her over reliant on me. Which doesn’t help her and enables. .

I have been firmly setting boundaries for the last few months. And have experienced major lashing out from her and her BPD mom. It’s really tough though. Super hurtful things from both of them. But I’m holding the line. I can’t live like things were. And I’m not helping her and her illness at all by giving in. But it is hard right now. I just remind myself that it is illness and how hard it’s been before too.id rather have healthy boundaries.

Maybe someone else out there is feeling similar things and is on the fence on setting boundaries. Thought I’d share how helpful this book has been for me to follow my new path.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi BT400
Thanks for posting what is happening for you at this point in time. It's great the book has resonated with you - and I imagine that it is really, really tough at the moment.

There are so many factors involved in when and what boundaries we set in relation to our bpd children. Clearly you are at a point where you can't go on as you have been going and this is the moment to draw a line.

Do you mind telling us what boundaries you have put in place and how the reaction has been? Are you still in contact with your dd or is she with her mother?