Rebuilding Myself

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am not in crisis today, but I am feeling a bit defeated and strongly wonder how I am to regain my sense of self after a difficult life with a BPD Parent.

Today, I had to accept that a person I loved moved on to someone else. Our relationship never got a full chance to pan out because of the side effects of trying to care for a parent with BPD. Maybe the relationship could have worked, maybe it would not have. The piece I am struggling with the most is that it was not my choice to find out.

When I think back over the last three years, when the BPD became extremely volatile, I notice a pattern of this happening. I am unable to have relationships with anyone because the behaviors of my parent are so abhorrent, and it is difficult to explain to others what exactly is happening. Leaving me to not only deal with the trauma of being stuck in a caregiving role with a BPD parent, but the emotional scarring that comes from processing yet another unrealized opportunity for my own happiness.

I'm in a place where I am watching life progress as if I am not apart of it, and outside of the relationship piece, I am seeing my complete sense of self disappear. I am a very different person between today and three years ago. Its very upsetting and I feel lost. So my question to this forum is two-parted:

(1) How do you manage SOs when you have a parent with BPD? I am trying to learn so that I do not keep having the same outcome.

(2) If you felt as if you lost yourself, how did you begin the process of rediscovery? I have heard that you are never quite the same after dealing with someone that has BPD, but what helped you establish a "new normal" for yourself?

[LyrikalAristotle]

I am not in crisis today, but I am feeling a bit defeated and strongly wonder how I am to regain my sense of self after a difficult life with a BPD Parent.

Today, I had to accept that a person I loved moved on to someone else. Our relationship never got a full chance to pan out because of the side effects of trying to care for a parent with BPD. Maybe the relationship could have worked, maybe it would not have. The piece I am struggling with the most is that it was not my choice to find out.

When I think back over the last three years, when the BPD became extremely volatile, I notice a pattern of this happening. I am unable to have relationships with anyone because the behaviors of my parent are so abhorrent, and it is difficult to explain to others what exactly is happening. Leaving me to not only deal with the trauma of being stuck in a caregiving role with a BPD parent, but the emotional scarring that comes from processing yet another unrealized opportunity for my own happiness.

I'm in a place where I am watching life progress as if I am not apart of it, and outside of the relationship piece, I am seeing my complete sense of self disappear. I am a very different person between today and three years ago. Its very upsetting and I feel lost. So my question to this forum is two-parted:

(1) How do you manage SOs when you have a parent with BPD? I am trying to learn so that I do not keep having the same outcome.

(2) If you felt as if you lost yourself, how did you begin the process of rediscovery? I have heard that you are never quite the same after dealing with someone that has BPD, but what helped you establish a "new normal" for yourself?

[Notwendy]

(1) How do you manage SOs when you have a parent with BPD? I am trying to learn so that I do not keep having the same outcome.

(2) If you felt as if you lost yourself, how did you begin the process of rediscovery? I have heard that you are never quite the same after dealing with someone that has BPD, but what helped you establish a "new normal" for yourself?

For me - the largest impact on my relationships was my own co-dependent behaviors. I didn't recognize them as an issue- being co-dependent was the expected role in my family growing up.

This took some work. I had had counseling before with the focus on how to deal with my BPD mother but a counselor told me to go to a 12 step program for co-dependency.  I was surprised. I didn't have an issue with alcohol. I thought these programs were about that but I went anyway as I was willing to try it.

Just going to meetings isn't enough to really dig into one's own behavior. I got lucky with a sponsor. It was tough love as she turned te mirror on me and my own behaviors.

If we are being co-dependent and being so nice--- it actually is a repellent to people with emotionally healthy boundaries. Boundaries have a lot to do with relationships. People with emotionally healthy boundaries feel uncomfortable with people who don't have them. I experienced this with meeting a new friend who had started in 12 step groups. She is very nice- there is nothing wrong with her but I feel a sense of unease around her.

It may not be that it is your BPD parent that leads to relationship difficulties but the behaviors and boundaries you have from being in this situation. These are learned behaviors that are functional with our disordered families but can lead to relationship issues with other people. The good news is that- if we learned them, we can "unlearn" them.

It was these 12 step programs that helped me to establish better boundaries and also reclaim "myself" some. In a similar way to any addiction, I think my tendencies will lean towards being co-dependent but I am able to keep the behaviors in check better.

Learning to shift some of that focus on your BPD parent to a focus on yourself can help.

[LyrikalAristotle]

Notwendy,

Thank you for this! I actually think you may have a point, and I will explore this. I recently began looking for support groups for abuse survivors, but a 12-step program may actually help with some of the issues I have from being in this situation. Really good idea.

[Notwendy]

Understandably- support for abuse makes sense but 12 steps was more about what is possible to change. We can't change someone else, but what can we work on? The two arms of 12 steps that have helped me are ACA (doesn't have to be only alcohol- the dynamics are similar to having a parent with BPD) and CODA. Hope this helps-

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi LyrikalAristotle 

One of the things that has helped me is learning that I can make choices, and then taking the opportunity to learn about myself as I make those choices. What do I want to eat that I would like? What would I like to do in my free time? I look to find something I might enjoy, whether it is an old familiar comfort like enjoying a movie, or perhaps trying something new as I begin to discover who I am, who I always was but didn't know.

It takes time, and there's no hurry. Rest, practice kindness towards yourself, and keep learning as you go. Notwendy has given a good suggestion that I hope will be another tool to for you to explore. 


Wools