Things do get better

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Maybe this post is a little premature as I may just be on the top of this rollercoaster ride.  Things do get better - there is hope.  I'm sleeping better, I'm excersizing, I'm looking forward to my new life of being myself and not a protector/provider/caregiver for my stbexw.  Four months ago I was just a shell of who I was - but each day I realize that things can go on with her no longer in my life.  I realize I'm still the same person but now I can focus 100% of my energy on myself and daughter.  I have reconnected with so many old friends that I had to let go in order to spend all the time with my wife.  I have developed new friendships with people that I would have never had.  Do I still have days of regret? Hell Yes! But now I realize life can go on and maybe I will look back at this time and say - that was the best thing that happened in my life (getting a divorce).  There is hope! Things will get better!

[cal644]

Maybe this post is a little premature as I may just be on the top of this rollercoaster ride.  Things do get better - there is hope.  I'm sleeping better, I'm excersizing, I'm looking forward to my new life of being myself and not a protector/provider/caregiver for my stbexw.  Four months ago I was just a shell of who I was - but each day I realize that things can go on with her no longer in my life.  I realize I'm still the same person but now I can focus 100% of my energy on myself and daughter.  I have reconnected with so many old friends that I had to let go in order to spend all the time with my wife.  I have developed new friendships with people that I would have never had.  Do I still have days of regret? Hell Yes! But now I realize life can go on and maybe I will look back at this time and say - that was the best thing that happened in my life (getting a divorce).  There is hope! Things will get better!

[fakename]

that's great man

sometimes i have down moments too but i know it was the right decision and i've gone from mostly missing her to knowing we weren't good together. i also feel much more free and able to do things for myself and things i like to do.

[healingmyheart]

cal644, Thank you for posing that.  I need hope and it helps to read that at 4 months you are starting to see the light so to speak.  I'm only about 3 weeks out and struggling.  Yesterday and last night were my low points and I don't think I can go much lower.  At some point you've got to pull yourself up and start heading forward and that's what I am trying to do.

[cal644]

Stone - trust me - I've had some real low points too - 3 weeks in I was a wreak.  But this site, my T, prayer, reading, and just jumping back into life have helped me.  I still have a long road ahead of me - but at least now I know I'm on the right path.

[wishingwell17]

cal644,

thanks for sharing your experience.

I'm just out and adjusting, feel both good and not so good. But looking forward. Your words help reinforce what my gut is telling me.

I am looking forward to all the things you are enjoying and acknowledging how very much I have missed "me".

thanks again for the "hope" and I am happy you are feeling better!

[daze]

It's really helpful to read that things do get better.  When we're in the thick of it it's hard to imagine.  I am happy for you!

[GustheDog]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, cal44.

It's the folks like you - people who have had decades-long relationships and marriages with pwBPD - that really inspire me.  I read the stuff you guys (and girls) post and I'm almost embarrassed about feeling as low as I do sometimes as a result of my r/s that lasted just a few years.

But I am starting to feel so much better, too.  I've even met some great women and started dating again - taking things slowly, but having tons of fun.

I really do think that this experience will end up having been one of the best things to ever happen to us.  I've been taking care of and improving my physical and mental health.  I'm building new confidence that isn't tied to others' opinions of me.  And I'm hyper-aware - of both myself and others.  It almost feels like I've emerged from this Dante-esque struggle with superpowers or something.

[ScotisGone74]

I know its difficult when any BPD relationship ends, which is usually like a trainwreck. 

I know Cal and people involved in a situation like that it is hell.  As bad as it is for cal I don't know ending a twenty year relationship or a couple year relationship is any harder or easier.  The reason I say that is because for me personally I feel like maybe after all the many years of soo much of the lying, manipulaiton, craziness that maybe it would be easier to cut loose of it  and I 'd know for sure that I got the chance to do everything I could to try to help or whatever, which in my case I didn't have.  The only thing is that its the kids that usually seem like they suffer the most, which is what I'd be the most worried about. 

 

[karhues]

Thanks for the encouragement - I need it today 

Its been 4 months since I found out he was cheating again.  I was married to him for 20 years, divorced then recycled 2 years after the divorce.  We dated for 2 years and he did it again.  I know I shouldn't be shocked but for some reason I am - I again am heartbroken.  I have good days and bad ones too.  My daughter is my strength - she told me when we reunited - he will hurt you again.  She was so right.  She reminds me never to take him back again and says I am great for him but he is bad for me.  I need to remember her words when I am lonely - sad - confused.

I just hate the way I feel a lot of the time - I exercise, eat right, sleep, go to therapy and church.  I have been through a lot and it amazes me how this one person can have such an effect on me.  I have never in my life needed therapy unless it has to do with him - he is toxic - I know in my head I am far better off alone - I am just so scared I will always be alone - UG!

[Vinnie]

For me it's been two months since I caught her in an affair, and two weeks since she filed for divorce.  20 year marriage.

The last few days I think I entered the anger phase of the grieving process.  I'm the one who usually preaches the need to forgive, but I find myself going through the day spewing spontaneous f-bombs under my breath toward her and her new love. Before now I've mostly felt sorry for them (for her because she is so disordered that she'd kick to the curb a great husband that loves her despite her sickness; for him because he has no idea the train wreck  that will become of his life if they marry.)

But while the betrayal and abandonment is still excruciatingly painful, the emotions ARE less debilitating than they were even a few weeks ago.  I'm very grateful to all that share on this board because so many have walked this path before and not only survived, but report that they are stronger, wiser, more humble, and enjoying themselves far more than they imagined was possible.

[Vinnie]

Karhues,

Both my D29 and her D28 tell me the the same thing. "She's not going to change, so please don't even think about taking her back if she comes begging... .  you're far better off without her and you will have a much happier life once you get through this divorce."

 

[dharmagems]

Karhunes,

I am glad you commented on the board with your story.  It's been many years and I just want to give you a big hug    and to give you courage to make decisions of your truth for yourself.

You are not alone!