Starting to feel grateful about one thing

[healingmyheart]

Well, I just received a text from my ex... .  he's trying again to recycle me and actually I'm getting a little better about seeing these texts for just what they are... .  garbage!  

The very last sentence to this text says "I still want to marry you".  

All I can say at this moment is thank goodness we didn't make it down the altar.  As bad as things seem now, they could have been a lot worse.  I know a lot of you are in BPD marriages, getting divorced, are divorced and I can't imagine just how difficult it is.  No matter what, we all are in this together struggling with the behaviors.  

Looking back, we were already discussing marriage at about 2 months.  He moved in after 6 months.  Proclaimed our loved at about 2 months.  I guess that doesn't seem so bad but he started attaching to my life like a parasite immediately.  The constant texting, "where are you, what are you doing? Do you miss me?  :)o you love me? How much do you love me?  :)o you want to marry me? "  All of that was just to meet his constant need for reassurance that I loved him and wouldn't abandon him.  

I think a parasitic analogy is appropriate.  He latched on to my family, my friends, my house, my money, my life and then STOLE it from me.  After he planted himself into my life, he controlled all the above.  After I saw the light so to speak, he wouldn't readily leave... .  he tried to give me half-hearted apologies since in his minds eye I was partially responsible for his wrongdoings.  He still won't let go.  I'm getting concerned that he may never really let go of me.  Now that he is back to his married friend who introduced us, he is comfortable.  He can have his emotional affair and not feel threatened by abandonment from her because well, she can't fully attached due to the fact she has a husband.  So, he is going to constantly be searching out other women and needless to say, I'm an easy target.  

Oh well, like I said, just counting my blessings right now that I didn't fall for the marriage proposal.  

Actually, my ex sent me a forwarded email from his ex- wife when they were arguing about something and I kept it because I couldn't  for the life of me understand why she would say such horrible things about him.  Keep in mind, this was early on in the relationship.  I was still wondering why she let such a wonderful man get away and thinking it was her lose and my gain .  Anyway, she called him "crazy" and said that he better hope that I don't find out what he's really all about.  She said that she feels sorry for me for I have no idea what I'm in for.  She said if she really wanted to do me a favor she would pull me aside and fill me in on his behaviors as a father and husband.  She then called him self-righteous and hypocritical.  I was appalled when I read that over a year ago.  Now, I realize why I kept it and I'm now referring to it.  I totally see what she was talking about... .  BPD.  Took me awhile but I'm at the same place... .  

[mango_flower]

Wow, you are sounding so strong today!  Go you! 

It's really great when you actually see WHY you don't want them back... .  it's still difficult though, but it's half the battle won.

I'm intrigued as to why your ex ever forwarded that email from his ex wife though 

Anyway - just thought I'd say what a difference I have noticed from a few of your past posts to this one - seems like your thinking is changing, that's a good thing! x

[healingmyheart]

Thanks Mango Flower,

I really do think I hit rock bottom last night and I'm up kicking and screaming today.  Actually, I'm feeling a little angry about everything that's happened and how I've wasted two years of my life with him.

I was surprised at the time too that my ex shared that email (although he shared all his emails from his exwife to me in an attempt to keep devaluing her) but this one stood out and I kept it for some reason.  That shows you just how blind they are when someone writes something so awful and they don't think for a minute that any of it truly applies to them, right? 

I am stronger... .  I have let go. 

[mtmc01]

Well, I just received a text from my ex... .  he's trying again to recycle me and actually I'm getting a little better about seeing these texts for just what they are... .  garbage!  

The very last sentence to this text says "I still want to marry you".  

All I can say at this moment is thank goodness we didn't make it down the altar.  As bad as things seem now, they could have been a lot worse.  I know a lot of you are in BPD marriages, getting divorced, are divorced and I can't imagine just how difficult it is.  No matter what, we all are in this together struggling with the behaviors.  

Looking back, we were already discussing marriage at about 2 months.  He moved in after 6 months.  Proclaimed our loved at about 2 months.  I guess that doesn't seem so bad but he started attaching to my life like a parasite immediately.  The constant texting, "where are you, what are you doing? Do you miss me?  :)o you love me? How much do you love me?  :)o you want to marry me? "  All of that was just to meet his constant need for reassurance that I loved him and wouldn't abandon him.  

I think a parasitic analogy is appropriate.  He latched on to my family, my friends, my house, my money, my life and then STOLE it from me.  After he planted himself into my life, he controlled all the above.  After I saw the light so to speak, he wouldn't readily leave... .  he tried to give me half-hearted apologies since in his minds eye I was partially responsible for his wrongdoings.  He still won't let go.  I'm getting concerned that he may never really let go of me.  Now that he is back to his married friend who introduced us, he is comfortable.  He can have his emotional affair and not feel threatened by abandonment from her because well, she can't fully attached due to the fact she has a husband.  So, he is going to constantly be searching out other women and needless to say, I'm an easy target.  

Oh well, like I said, just counting my blessings right now that I didn't fall for the marriage proposal.  

Actually, my ex sent me a forwarded email from his ex- wife when they were arguing about something and I kept it because I couldn't  for the life of me understand why she would say such horrible things about him.  Keep in mind, this was early on in the relationship.  I was still wondering why she let such a wonderful man get away and thinking it was her lose and my gain .  Anyway, she called him "crazy" and said that he better hope that I don't find out what he's really all about.  She said that she feels sorry for me for I have no idea what I'm in for.  She said if she really wanted to do me a favor she would pull me aside and fill me in on his behaviors as a father and husband.  She then called him self-righteous and hypocritical.  I was appalled when I read that over a year ago.  Now, I realize why I kept it and I'm now referring to it.  I totally see what she was talking about... .  BPD.  Took me awhile but I'm at the same place... .  

I hear you. I wish I was strong enough to say I'd be able to rebuff any attempts by her to reconcile (I wouldn't be able to). She's the one that left in my case.

We were discussing marriage within a week, engaged within three weeks, and living together within a month. Now THAT'S crazy . I also had the constant texting, she had to know where I was 24/7, why I was 2 minutes late, then where I was the next minute, and the next, etc. And I also had to constantly reassure her, tell her I'd never leave her after dating for ONE WEEK. It's crazy how we get reeled in and see nothing but rainbows and sunshine in the beginning, despite the myriad of red flags... .  

[healingmyheart]

Wow, now that was fast... .  living together within a month.  I'm sure it made perfect sense at the time.

That's what I'm talking about... .  it's like we were all speed dating and we didn't even realize it.

[ScotisGone74]

I felt the same exact way stolemysoul, as awful and crushing as it was it could have been worse.  Thinking back to all the times she Knew that I loved her and would throw fits for me to get her pregnant (while having sex) its just nuts.  Drama and crazy doesn't improve with marriage or kids.  I'm getting better with NC now for five months. 

[clairedair]

from mango_flower

"I'm intrigued as to why your ex ever forwarded that email from his ex wife though"


when the new 'amour du jour' is in the honeymoon phase, seeing an e-mail like that from ex is probably just going to reinforce pwBPD's message that the ex was mean/vengeful etc.  Or that s/he is misunderstood and you are the only one who truly understands... .  

I've read letters I wrote to ex when he'd just left (but never sent) and didn't take heed when the next recycle came around.  One of the things I'm grateful for just now is that I read these letters and am astonished that I let it all go on so long. 

My exH has already left behind one gf that he was discussing marriage with not long after getting together with her (and not long after our long-term marriage had broken up).  Now very involved with a new gf - a professional, financially independent, intelligent co-worker who would think I was manipulative or would pity me if I tried to tell her what our relationship has been like.

That's what I'm talking about... .  it's like we were all speed dating and we didn't even realize it.

[healingmyheart]

ScotisGone74,

Drama and Crazy gets worse with BPD.  My ex has a teenage daughter who had to put up with his rages til his wife divorced him.  My ex started trying to rage at my daughter and at that point, I kicked him out.  

I still struggle with how they cannot see the pain they are causing others.  I remember talking to his daughter once.  She said no matter how much he hurts her emotionally, he always acts justified and makes her feel bad whether it was his fault or not... .  always shifts the blame onto her.  The end result is that he has an absolutely beautiful daughter with NO SELF CONFIDENCE.  

NC for 5 months... .  that's great... .  actually I look forward to that day.

[healingmyheart]

clairdair, You are absolutely correct in that my ex had me convinced for the longest time that she was the evil one.  She was a negligent parent, blah, blah, blah. 

Well, I meet her and she is a wonderful women... .  I'm grateful for her in that she has moved on with her life and has a new man to love. 

He painted her so black throughout our entire relationship that I can't even think of him saying one good thing about her... .  uhhhmmmm, wait, I think he said she could cook and clean house but everything else was bad.

Wonder what he's saying about me right now... .  i doubt he's bragging about my cooking and cleaning.

[clairedair]

Hi stolemysoul

I'm the ex-wife but I'd be very surprised if my pwBPD is ever mean about me to others.  He is mean to my face but I think that he's more likely to tell others that I hurt him badly so that they feel sympathy for him (and gf is then determined to make sure she never causes him pain). 

I imagine him being upfront about all the times he wanted to reconcile with me but this will be painted as me not letting go and him not wanting to be the bad guy.  I wouldn't be surprised if he told ex-gf and current gf that he still loves me but in some kindly, caring way.

I believed his reasons for recycling ex-gf... .  so why shouldn't new gf believe what he says about me.   I find myself wanting to meet with the ex-gf to find out what he said because the more angry I feel about his behaviour, the more detached I'm feeling.

I am so sorry to hear about his daughter (and that he raged at your own child).  My exH has not raged at kids but the eldest (who is a young adult) has been in tears because of his father's lecturing.  I could see that exH was actually anxious about child's situation but his tone and the way he went on and on really got to the child and undermined his confidence at a time when he needed encouragement.

Continuing the 'I'm starting to feel grateful' theme, I'm starting to feel grateful that he hasn't lived with us for some time.  I still miss the excitement and having a partner around to share stuff but it never stayed like that and it's more peaceful overall.