Looking back through my old notes to self

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Maybe it'll help someone.  Maybe it'll help me.  It's been 8 or so months since BU but I still think about her often.  I have been slowly progressing, stepping back into life rather timidly, spending a little less time on here.  I still compare the few women I meet to the idealization-era (possible)BPDex.  Still working on myself, but I don't know how much more I can handle. 

Often I get stuck idealizing her, so to see these things I wrote almost a year later slaps a little reality back into me.

Anyway, here it is:

APR 2012:

-I worry about her and about our relationship

-i worry that she'll make bad decisions and get herself in trouble

-i worry that she will betray me.  I shouldn't have to worry about that

-her idea of what is betrayal and what mine are are apparently very different

-i feel like i have no leverage with anything, that it's a power struggle

-i have to be a good boy and not challenge anything or else

deal with the rampage

-she just wants to do whatever she wants

-she doesn't want to make an effort to show me love.

-she just wants no conflict

-if i piss her off, she can always go running to someone else

-there's no dedication to me.

-i don't understand why she needs to be away from me

-i don't understand why she needs to have groupies

-i don't understand why i'm not enough, yet too much

JUL 2012:

abandoment

   wants me to call in sick to hang out with her, but will never do it for me

   acts very distant if i go on vacation but she does not come with me (even though she is invited)

   sometimes, in the store, if i suggest i go pick up some of the items separately, she says don't leave me and is very serious about it

   comes back again and again (like nothing ever happened) after breaking up with me repeatedly.  sometimes she is gone for weeks, sometimes months

   threatens to leave my house when she gets upset, but wants me to stop her

boundaries

   flirts/leads on other guys

   all her friends are guys and she acknowledges they probably want to have sex with her

   i am not invited to hang out with her when she is with anyone else (friends, family, at her public workplace)

   goes out to clubs/bars - i am not invited despite asking if i can join her

   cheated on her ex 10+ times (according to her)

   watched porn with her ex-ex in her ex's bedroom while they were still dating

   i saw her feeding her boss (putting food in his mouth)

   touches strangers, especially men, quite often

   readily agreed to wear lingerie for a themed work party (originally her boss wanted her to only wear body paint, but she surprisingly objected)   

   saw her when i was out one night and she was holding hands with some guy, looking like she was about to kiss him.

        on the previous night, i was talking with a female co-worker at a bar -- she (ex) hit me several times for this, then wanted to have animal-like sex afterward, then had a breakdown/dissociation during sex

   invited her to a birthday party for my friend.  she put her arm around him and held his hand most of the time even though i asked her to stop.

   i am labeled a jealous insecure jerk for asking her to stop all these behaviors.

anger

   gets angry over things i don't understand, such as just a few days ago, i told her she was invited to come to my place which turned into an argument (she decided almost 2 years into the relationship that we should date casually) and i haven't seen her for a couple days.  i have tried talking to her, but she just tells me to "f--- off" or leave her alone.

   throws things, breaks things and hits me on occasion (maybe ten incidents in ~2 years)

   has called me a jerk several times and i don't ever know why

dissociation

   during sex (at some point looks comatose, asks me where she is and who i am, calls out my name like she's become temporarily blind)

   seems to "split".  will ignore me and tell all friends and family i am terrible when i react negatively to her bad behavior or hold her accountable

   treats everyone else great except me when i am on the "outs", which is practically all the time now

   

manipulation

   sex is used as a tool to win my affection or to keep me around, although she doesn't view sex as "part of a relationship" and is mostly terrified of it

   turns all blame on me.  even if she has done something horrendous, it is my fault for making her feel bad about making me feel bad.  i am the bad guy whether I did something wrong or she did something wrong.

   won't accept responsibility or even apologize for any bad behavior

   carefully words everything so as to produce answers that will be pacifying even though there is an underlying lie built in.  Ex:  Me:  Who are you texting?  Her: A friend of the family.  -- How she explains texting her ex.

   secretive, doing things behind my back, particularly with her phone -- texting/calling other guys

distortion

   has claimed i have hit her on several occasions, though i have never hit her at all.  all claims of my false physical abuse are centered around her tantrums where she is actually hitting me.

   one time, she fell to the ground because she slipped while she was having a tantrum.  i picked her up and she said i had shoved her down and made her fall.

   says i don't love her and only want her for sex  (Yes, I want to have sex with her, but I also love her dearly)

history

   physically, emotionally, sexually abused by mother (sexual abuse in the form of being told to be promiscuous at age 8, being taught how to give a blowjob on a banana by her mother, etc)

   raped 3 times as a teenager

   disruptive family life (claims to have moved over 200 times before 18 years old, confirmed by siblings, father supposedly threatens suicide when mother drives him crazy, mother possibly alcoholic, etc.)

[struggli]

Maybe it'll help someone.  Maybe it'll help me.  It's been 8 or so months since BU but I still think about her often.  I have been slowly progressing, stepping back into life rather timidly, spending a little less time on here.  I still compare the few women I meet to the idealization-era (possible)BPDex.  Still working on myself, but I don't know how much more I can handle. 

Often I get stuck idealizing her, so to see these things I wrote almost a year later slaps a little reality back into me.

Anyway, here it is:

APR 2012:

-I worry about her and about our relationship

-i worry that she'll make bad decisions and get herself in trouble

-i worry that she will betray me.  I shouldn't have to worry about that

-her idea of what is betrayal and what mine are are apparently very different

-i feel like i have no leverage with anything, that it's a power struggle

-i have to be a good boy and not challenge anything or else

deal with the rampage

-she just wants to do whatever she wants

-she doesn't want to make an effort to show me love.

-she just wants no conflict

-if i piss her off, she can always go running to someone else

-there's no dedication to me.

-i don't understand why she needs to be away from me

-i don't understand why she needs to have groupies

-i don't understand why i'm not enough, yet too much

JUL 2012:

abandoment

   wants me to call in sick to hang out with her, but will never do it for me

   acts very distant if i go on vacation but she does not come with me (even though she is invited)

   sometimes, in the store, if i suggest i go pick up some of the items separately, she says don't leave me and is very serious about it

   comes back again and again (like nothing ever happened) after breaking up with me repeatedly.  sometimes she is gone for weeks, sometimes months

   threatens to leave my house when she gets upset, but wants me to stop her

boundaries

   flirts/leads on other guys

   all her friends are guys and she acknowledges they probably want to have sex with her

   i am not invited to hang out with her when she is with anyone else (friends, family, at her public workplace)

   goes out to clubs/bars - i am not invited despite asking if i can join her

   cheated on her ex 10+ times (according to her)

   watched porn with her ex-ex in her ex's bedroom while they were still dating

   i saw her feeding her boss (putting food in his mouth)

   touches strangers, especially men, quite often

   readily agreed to wear lingerie for a themed work party (originally her boss wanted her to only wear body paint, but she surprisingly objected)   

   saw her when i was out one night and she was holding hands with some guy, looking like she was about to kiss him.

        on the previous night, i was talking with a female co-worker at a bar -- she (ex) hit me several times for this, then wanted to have animal-like sex afterward, then had a breakdown/dissociation during sex

   invited her to a birthday party for my friend.  she put her arm around him and held his hand most of the time even though i asked her to stop.

   i am labeled a jealous insecure jerk for asking her to stop all these behaviors.

anger

   gets angry over things i don't understand, such as just a few days ago, i told her she was invited to come to my place which turned into an argument (she decided almost 2 years into the relationship that we should date casually) and i haven't seen her for a couple days.  i have tried talking to her, but she just tells me to "f--- off" or leave her alone.

   throws things, breaks things and hits me on occasion (maybe ten incidents in ~2 years)

   has called me a jerk several times and i don't ever know why

dissociation

   during sex (at some point looks comatose, asks me where she is and who i am, calls out my name like she's become temporarily blind)

   seems to "split".  will ignore me and tell all friends and family i am terrible when i react negatively to her bad behavior or hold her accountable

   treats everyone else great except me when i am on the "outs", which is practically all the time now

   

manipulation

   sex is used as a tool to win my affection or to keep me around, although she doesn't view sex as "part of a relationship" and is mostly terrified of it

   turns all blame on me.  even if she has done something horrendous, it is my fault for making her feel bad about making me feel bad.  i am the bad guy whether I did something wrong or she did something wrong.

   won't accept responsibility or even apologize for any bad behavior

   carefully words everything so as to produce answers that will be pacifying even though there is an underlying lie built in.  Ex:  Me:  Who are you texting?  Her: A friend of the family.  -- How she explains texting her ex.

   secretive, doing things behind my back, particularly with her phone -- texting/calling other guys

distortion

   has claimed i have hit her on several occasions, though i have never hit her at all.  all claims of my false physical abuse are centered around her tantrums where she is actually hitting me.

   one time, she fell to the ground because she slipped while she was having a tantrum.  i picked her up and she said i had shoved her down and made her fall.

   says i don't love her and only want her for sex  (Yes, I want to have sex with her, but I also love her dearly)

history

   physically, emotionally, sexually abused by mother (sexual abuse in the form of being told to be promiscuous at age 8, being taught how to give a blowjob on a banana by her mother, etc)

   raped 3 times as a teenager

   disruptive family life (claims to have moved over 200 times before 18 years old, confirmed by siblings, father supposedly threatens suicide when mother drives him crazy, mother possibly alcoholic, etc.)

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hey Struggli,  Thanks for the reminders.  I was looking through my journal last night.  I started keeping it during my relationship with my ex.  I read where she broke with me, and then we were going to out together with her children a week later.  This type of thing happened over and over.  No wonder I felt like I was losing it at times.  Madness.  I hope you are well.  Take it easy.

[BroiledBunny]

Dude. Wow, I just wrote a whopper of a thread, but I could have added so much of what you said.

Like this

>>

  has claimed i have hit her on several occasions, though i have never hit her at all.  all claims of my false physical abuse are centered around her tantrums where she is actually hitting me.

  one time, she fell to the ground because she slipped while she was having a tantrum.  i picked her up and she said i had shoved her down and made her fall.<<

Ha, once mine fell on stairs in a bar, went to the hospital. Got a concussion and a black eye. People though I beat her, I wasn't even there, She'd be no, he didn't hit me, and they'd be, It's ok you don't need to lie for him!

And when we lived together, it was just like you described. She'd initiate physicality. I'd take it, and then she'd tell people I beat her. Arrgh.

Well, hang in there.

I have a little of the opposite problem. The woman is relentless and keeps coming after me, and is devious in her attempts to trap me.

If she was younger I'm sure she'd be one of those that stops taking her pills to get pregnant without telling her BF.

Wow, that disassociation thing is scary. She must have been sexually abused and that's how she dealt with it.

[mango_flower]

Thanks for the reminder.  Not all of those things apply to me, but some.

Also, try and remind yourself how anxious you felt so much of the time, like you could never relax.  That always reminds me of how I am free now, even if it hurts like hell.

I'm sorry it's still so difficult after 8 months... .  these things go in cycles I am sure.

Keep going, just keep going. One day, life HAS to change for the better... .  x

[struggli]

6/2012

This evening right after therapy, we parted ways.  I asked if we could make plans for later.  (ex’s name) said I'll meet you at your place after work.  

As it got closer to the end of my shift, I envisioned her cooking dinner and awaiting my arrival. I thought maybe she would do something nice to show me her love.  Instead, I got home and she wasn't there.  I sent her two texts before I ever left work (about halfway thru) and never heard from her.

I feel abandoned and ignored and not a priority... As usual I have to guess about what she's doing and as usual whatever else she is doing is obviously more important than me.

I don't understand and I'm very hurt.  It just seems over and over and over that she does not give a f--k about me.

I feel like I'm waiting for her and she is not even thinking about me.  I would have stayed at work and talked to some of my friends or gone out and done something else.  Now, I'm just sitting here feeling sick and sad and lonely and rejected.

It doesn't seem like she's trying at all.  I'm so disappointed.

---------

LETTER TO THERAPIST 5/2012:

(ex’s name) has expressed that the last couple of sessions were all about me and my complaints (even though she's heard it all before, I think it's necessary for you to hear it, since you are helping us), so I told her I'd give her time alone this Tuesday.  If what she said about "our relationship problems are just a symptom of [her] personal issues" is true, then maybe working through her own issues will help things work better for both of us.  She suggested we both go in together and see how it goes from there.

I'm nervous about it a little bit.  I don't want her to walk out of your office and break up with me.

One of my concerns is that (ex’s name) sometimes downplays her stories when she's done something wrong and magnifies it if she feels I'm in the wrong.

I know to some degree I should let the past go, but it's hard to not develop an impression of someone based on past experiences.

Examples of things I have seen (ex’s name) do that made me feel insecure:  Feeding her boss a candy bar (breaking off little squares and putting them on his tongue), holding hands with and putting her arm around my friend at his birthday party because "he should feel special" -- the friend subsequently grabbed and squeezed her butt because he probably thought she was inviting it, coming home to me with a ink drawing on her inner thigh done by 8th grade musician ex-boyfriend,  (at work) touching male customers on their arms to get their attention, getting her co-worker to pop her back by squeezing her tightly, texting the ex-boyfriend and other guys.

[struggli]

Hey Struggli,  Thanks for the reminders.  I was looking through my journal last night.  I started keeping it during my relationship with my ex.  I read where she broke with me, and then we were going to out together with her children a week later.  This type of thing happened over and over.  No wonder I felt like I was losing it at times.  Madness.  I hope you are well.  Take it easy.

Yes, definitely a pattern.  It's weird how I remember more and more things (red flags, gut feelings) as time passes.  Maybe that's how a traumatic experience works?

I'm doing OK, not good.  I hope you are doing well also.

[struggli]

Dude. Wow, I just wrote a whopper of a thread, but I could have added so much of what you said.

Like this

>>

  has claimed i have hit her on several occasions, though i have never hit her at all.  all claims of my false physical abuse are centered around her tantrums where she is actually hitting me.

  one time, she fell to the ground because she slipped while she was having a tantrum.  i picked her up and she said i had shoved her down and made her fall.<<

Ha, once mine fell on stairs in a bar, went to the hospital. Got a concussion and a black eye. People though I beat her, I wasn't even there, She'd be no, he didn't hit me, and they'd be, It's ok you don't need to lie for him!

And when we lived together, it was just like you described. She'd initiate physicality. I'd take it, and then she'd tell people I beat her. Arrgh.

Well, hang in there.

I have a little of the opposite problem. The woman is relentless and keeps coming after me, and is devious in her attempts to trap me.

If she was younger I'm sure she'd be one of those that stops taking her pills to get pregnant without telling her BF.

Wow, that disassociation thing is scary. She must have been sexually abused and that's how she dealt with it.

Yes, definitely was sexually abused.

I've known guys who have been with women who tricked them into pregnancy.  What a nasty thing to do.  So many crazy people... .  

My ex wanted me to rescue her a few times shortly after BU and I ignored her.  It was difficult to do, but she has practically ceased all contact, minus a feeler text about once a month.

[struggli]

Thanks for the reminder.  Not all of those things apply to me, but some.

Also, try and remind yourself how anxious you felt so much of the time, like you could never relax.  That always reminds me of how I am free now, even if it hurts like hell.

I'm sorry it's still so difficult after 8 months... .  these things go in cycles I am sure.

Keep going, just keep going. One day, life HAS to change for the better... .  x

Yeah, I get this dreamy picturesque selective memory regarding her and I start missing her and blaming myself for her being gone.

But reading these things I experienced/felt does remind me of the tumultuous nature of the rs.  What's still weird... .  even when I read this stuff I partly still want to rescue her/fix her/have hope for her recovery/she will see the light/etc.  But going back and reading it does bring me a bit back to reality.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yeah, I get this dreamy picturesque selective memory regarding her and I start missing her and blaming myself for her being gone.

But reading these things I experienced/felt does remind me of the tumultuous nature of the rs.  What's still weird... .  even when I read this stuff I partly still want to rescue her/fix her/have hope for her recovery/she will see the light/etc.  But going back and reading it does bring me a bit back to reality.

I've been feeling the same way lately.  It's been difficult at times to separate the reality from the fantasy.  My fantasy involved the situation being different than it actually was.

Another poster mentioned the constant anxiety.  That was one of the worst parts for me, and I don't have that now.  Sure, I have some anxiety, but nothing like it was.  It got so bad I started having chest pains.

When my ex would go out partying with friends, there were several times when she ignored my attempts to reach out to her.  This didn't happen very many times (maybe 3 times), but that was enough to break trust with me.

I want a partner I can trust to be there, no matter what the circumstance (outside of emergencies, of course).

I might be struggling more around this time of year, because we told each other we loved each other on St. Patrick's Day, and I gave her a very nice pendant.  I just feel sad.  Part of me wants to call or text her and tell her I still love her.  Part of me wants to forget we ever met, but that's not an option.

On a brighter note, I just bought a house and I am very happy with it.  Life keeps on moving along.

[struggli]

Yeah, I get this dreamy picturesque selective memory regarding her and I start missing her and blaming myself for her being gone.

But reading these things I experienced/felt does remind me of the tumultuous nature of the rs.  What's still weird... .  even when I read this stuff I partly still want to rescue her/fix her/have hope for her recovery/she will see the light/etc.  But going back and reading it does bring me a bit back to reality.

I've been feeling the same way lately.  It's been difficult at times to separate the reality from the fantasy.  My fantasy involved the situation being different than it actually was.

Another poster mentioned the constant anxiety.  That was one of the worst parts for me, and I don't have that now.  Sure, I have some anxiety, but nothing like it was.  It got so bad I started having chest pains.

When my ex would go out partying with friends, there were several times when she ignored my attempts to reach out to her.  This didn't happen very many times (maybe 3 times), but that was enough to break trust with me.

I want a partner I can trust to be there, no matter what the circumstance (outside of emergencies, of course).

I might be struggling more around this time of year, because we told each other we loved each other on St. Patrick's Day, and I gave her a very nice pendant.  I just feel sad.  Part of me wants to call or text her and tell her I still love her.  Part of me wants to forget we ever met, but that's not an option.

On a brighter note, I just bought a house and I am very happy with it.  Life keeps on moving along.

I think you and I went through our breakups at around the same time if I remember correctly.  Similar situations to some degree.

My ex's b-day is in the next few days.  I remember on her birthday last year, she spent the morning with me until about 2 pm and then ditched me for the rest of the day (until 3 or 4am) to be with her co-workers and get plastered.  That kind of hurt too.  I wasn't invited because it was "too soon" after one of our recycles for me to be a part of her life again.  Then she showed up and for maybe the 2nd time ever asked me to have sex with her and then promptly passed out.

Her younger brother also left me a harassing phone call that day about how I "hogged" her all the time and that her family (talking about himself since everyone else lives out of state) didn't get to see her on her b-day.  He was cussing and yelling on the voicemail.  I sent him a text that I hadn't seen her most of the day, nor had I heard from her.  Ex had painted me black to him at some point and he was the overprotective younger brother ever since.  He was quite a piece of work himself -- already abusing lots of drugs and already a criminal record just as he turned 18.

"When my ex would go out partying with friends, there were several times when she ignored my attempts to reach out to her.  This didn't happen very many times (maybe 3 times), but that was enough to break trust with me.

I want a partner I can trust to be there, no matter what the circumstance (outside of emergencies, of course)."

This is how I feel as well.  When I broke up with her, I told her I deserved to be with someone who wanted to be with me, who was excited about it, not someone who was exhausted by my company.

There were times she ignored me while out with her friends, or even lied to me to go drinking with them.  I met them all once and was never invited again because of my "bad attitude."  Maybe if the meeting hadn't been prefaced that they all had a crush on her I would've seen it differently.

Anyway, I'm ruminating/ranting.

I'm glad you are happy with your house, Phoenix!  I have gone through a few changes myself.  I got a new job and although it's not much more pleasant than my previous one, I do make more money and am around a lot of beautiful women whereas I was isolated before.  Also, I only work 5 days a week now instead of 6.  But that brings other challenges -- long periods of free time for thinking ad remembering.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yeah, the new digs are awesome.  Life is good, if we look for the good.    

I suppose I will always have strong feelings for my ex... how could I not?  But those feelings will get less and less over time.  I've been in love before.  This relationship was just different of many levels, and I believe these relationships are much harder to recover from. 

I can tell you are an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person and you will find someone who is right for you, as will I.  We just have to treat ourselves with care and kindness in the meantime.  One day at a time.