My ex was the one to initiate NC, after a ridiculous and abusive rollercoaster ride over the last number of months. We're at about three weeks out now, but once at the end of the first week, and then again a few nights ago, he broke that arrangement. Both times, I wasn't able to hold my ground or stick to my guns, and the conversation would dive immediately into him devaluing/abusing me for hours, while I apologized for all my apparent wrongs (none of which I agree with), and eventually would end with him lapsing into silence.
Why does he do this? I hate it, I can't stand it--happiness in my life is only beginning to seem remotely possible, and that's without him in it. In his most recent conversation he made it a point to talk about how he was going on a date with someone new, turning down casual sex offers right and left (all things he'd constantly lament NOT happening to him in the entire time I'd known him--so how is it happening now, all of the sudden?), and so on. It was gross. He further asked "how he could hurt me," and when I told him he'd already broken my heart, he said, "not yet," and launched into a diatribe about how I never felt anything, and he couldn't believe I was actually hurt. He then asked if sending me a sex tape (of him with someone new), or tying me to a chair and forcing me to watch him kill himself would hurt more. Everything about it makes me angry, and ridiculously sad.
Oh, right, all of this was also coupled with him demanding I send him love letters and essays, and essentially work as hard as I could to get him back. He referred to himself as my "dream job", and any time we were apart was time to work on the portfolio that was me, in order to convince him I was a worthy applicant. If I don't do that, it will be further
validation to him that I never loved him. His warped views regarding the expression of love will always be foreign and angering to me. I wish he'd let me love him, but he'll never be able to accept or understand it. And, obviously, our interactions are toxic for the both of us, and soul-crushing to me. That's an unacceptable way to carry on in this life.
I just don't understand. We'd been silent for ten days. I did not contact him at all. I just want this person to leave me alone; getting on with the tatters of my life is all I have, and he's out there actively hating, attacking, and painting me black to those around him. It makes me feel physically ill to think about. I'm sorry this post is so disjointed, I've just been dwelling on the issue for the last few days, and this is one of the only outlets where people are veterans of this disorder. It's so hard. I'm getting to a point where I don't even particularly nurse those wild, secret hopes of him reforming, or of wanting him back. But I still feel so ill, knowing what he's feeling and doing and saying about all this, out there in the world. It's a little scary.
There's hope though, right? There's happiness and peace to be found, eventually, some amount of time down the road? There are healthy and fantastic partners out there somewhere?
