Mixed messages and silence from exBPDgf.

[Splitblack4good]

Hi all been separated from my exgf that's diagnosed with BPD she's had two replacements since we broke up tried recycling me in between the two . We have a 7 months old son together and contact is kept to a minimum and go through my mum for contact regards to my son .

Thing is on Friday when I picked up my son I made a point of saying can we please stop any conflict between us and the arguing. She said it's not easy for her and she's lost her best friend (me) and she won't talk to me if I call just hang up.

I called her out on alot of her behaviour and made her take a good look at her self over the last month ever since then she's been mega angry at me . What I don't get is if she's so happy with replacement number 2 then why not be polite when she sees me ? Why say the things she did on Friday ? 4-5 weeks ago she said she had moved on and she never wants to be with me again . I've worked pretty hard with detachment from her but why is she holding the grudge and silent treatment?
Any thoughts ?

[C.Stein]

No one likes to have their faults pointed out to them, especially a borderline.  She doesn't want to take a good look at herself and will do anything to avoid doing so.

My suggestion, since you have to deal with her, is to let her be who she is.  Nothing you say will change her.  Do what you need to do for yourself so you can start living again.

[elfyguy]

Hiya Splitblack4good

I'm sorry this has been hard and confusing for you. As you know, borderlines either put you into that bad or good category. Right now, you're in that bad category, maybe it's because her pain is too much to handle so she deflects it by projecting her hostility onto you. When I was with my ex, and a bit after during the conversations, she loved and hated her friend, oh, about 3-7 times - this happened in a relative short period - it's just what borderlines do  . There could be many more reason why your ex is holding a grudge and giving silent treatment, as well as the emotional BPD stuff or lack-thereof.

I called her out on alot of her behaviour and made her take a good look at her self over the last month ever since then she's been mega angry at me . What I don't get is if she's so happy with replacement number 2 then why not be polite when she sees me ? Why say the things she did on Friday ? 4-5 weeks ago she said she had moved on and she never wants to be with me again

It seems as though you are still attached to her?

I've worked pretty hard with detachment from her but why is she holding the grudge and silent treatment?
Any thoughts ?

You aren't in a relationship with her anymore, she's not your concern anymore, yet you still seem to hold responsibility for her actions.
Why do you think you're upset, confused or annoyed at her for holding a grudge and giving you the silent treatment?

[Splitblack4good]

Eventhough I'm detaching from her I still have to see her 4 times a week very briefly though to do hand overs and pick ups drop offs of our son I'm always polite to her when I see her I just wish she could do the same so Thers no conflict so makes it easier for everyone. I guess she just can't do that .

[heartandwhole]

I guess she just can't do that .

Hi Splitblack,

I agree that it would definitely be easier if you and she were to get on the same page, but it appears that she can't do that, at least not right now. It's really hard to know what's going on inside someone else, especially if that person has BPD and is coping with emotions by projecting, splitting, etc. I can understand your feelings and confusion as to why, after she has a new partner with whom she supposedly is so happy, she is still acting hostile toward you.

I think all you can do is keep taking the high road, with firm and kind boundaries, and keep working toward detachment. It's a hard journey, but with time and effort, you will feel more confident and able to deal with her reactions without getting off balance yourself.

heartandwhole

[Splitblack4good]

The other things I forgot to mention were she said things that wernt even relevant to the conversation like " I didn't cheat on you " well I knew that was a lie but why even mention that 4 months later ? She started crying at that point . Then said I'd caused her alot of stress , panic attacks and anguish. When I asked her what I'd done for her to feel that way she stormed off and slammed the door ?

[Splitblack4good]

No one likes to have their faults pointed out to them, especially a borderline.  She doesn't want to take a good look at herself and will do anything to avoid doing so.

My suggestion, since you have to deal with her, is to let her be who she is.  Nothing you say will change her.  Do what you need to do for yourself so you can start living again.

I know pwBPD don't like being told how bad they are and what they have done to hurt you but I was just so hurt and have been by her behaviour for the last 3 and a half years and the way she treated me after all I did was support her and her 4 children and try my hardest to be a loving bf and father .

[C.Stein]

I know pwBPD don't like being told how bad they are and what they have done to hurt you but I was just so hurt and have been by her behaviour for the last 3 and a half years and the way she treated me after all I did was support her and her 4 children and try my hardest to be a loving bf and father .

No need to explain man.  I understand how deeply it can cut.