Need Help: wife is contacting my family

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Hi friends.  Need some advice on this one.

Just found out today that my uBPDwife has contacted two of my family members (sister in law and cousin) and told them how she is doing so great and that leaving was the best decision she's ever made in her life.  (To recap, she's supposed to be in a trial separation with me - we're on month 4 of 6 - but instead she is sleeping with many guys and living the single lifestyle).  We have been in pretty much NC for the past 3 weeks with the exception of her texting me yesterday for some help with a gas smell at her apartment.

Why is she texting my family?  I don't know what to do at this point.  I don't want anyone else to know about her cheating and all the reasons why our marriage collapsed quite yet because her and I are doing our legal separation, and if she knows I know about what she's been up to, the s--t will hit the fan.  But I am very much bothered by her contacting my family and saying how great her life is.  It's really gotten to me.

Help.

[NoCRV]

Hey SeekingAdviceinCA,

I read more than I post here but it sounds like she's trying hurt you by putting up a facade of how great her life is without you.  If this message is sent to your family it's less obvious from a manipulation stand point.  She knows it will get back to you but she didn't directly say it to you.  Just my two cents!  Sorry you are hurting.  This too shall pass.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh good lord, why do they do this?

Why do they think that our family, the people who love us most, will turn away from us... .

That's what it is designed to do. To hurt you, and to hurt your relationships with others. Family, friends, coworkers... etc.

I know it sucks, just take the high road sir. My parents blocked my ex's email addresses so they made sure he knew exactly what they thought of him. He was sending private emails between he and I to my parents. My dad read them and called me immediately... said my ex was insane, and that I had to get away from him.

If he only knew that forwarding those emails to my parents made him look so bad... . to everyone. His actions were bad enough in front of my kids, but purposely trying to hurt me, well the people who loved me wouldn't put up with it. Honestly, he was so pathetic. He would read an email where I said "I love you, but I"m so worried about us" and focus not on the I love you, but the fact that I was worried... . he was very, very strange. Still don't get it, never will. The words were right in front of him, yet his mind still twisted them.

Ugh this disease, it sucks.

But all I can say is, this too shall pass, once your family gives her the cold shoulder, your ex will not reengage. She will know that they have her number. And that's something a BPD cannot live with. People who see behind the mask.

Hugs,

L

[Turkish]

Hi friends.  Need some advice on this one.

Just found out today that my uBPDwife has contacted two of my family members (sister in law and cousin) and told them how she is doing so great and that leaving was the best decision she's ever made in her life.  (To recap, she's supposed to be in a trial separation with me - we're on month 4 of 6 - but instead she is sleeping with many guys and living the single lifestyle).  We have been in pretty much NC for the past 3 weeks with the exception of her texting me yesterday for some help with a gas smell at her apartment.

Why is she texting my family?  I don't know what to do at this point.  I don't want anyone else to know about her cheating and all the reasons why our marriage collapsed quite yet because her and I are doing our legal separation, and if she knows I know about what she's been up to, the s--t will hit the fan.  But I am very much bothered by her contacting my family and saying how great her life is.  It's really gotten to me.

Help.

What noCRV said. You blocked her, so she's trying to get around that by proxy. Does your family in any way buy into this at all?

As for something hitting the fan... . why do you think so, and how exactly do you mean?

[fromheeltoheal]

I say you turn it around to a position of power.  I get that you guys are entering legal proceedings and I'm not sure but I don't think you're talking to her right now, but, you talk to your relatives.  Chances are they will side with you, and you can get whatever info she gives them, which could help you later.  I know, it hurts to be contentious with someone you're married to and it was once good, but not only could the info help, it could give you a way to feel better about what she's doing, and how you feel about it is the only thing you can control.  You've got informants, might as well use them.

[Soulsisters]

They won't stop.

My x manipulated my own mother and totally turned her against me.  It was an ugly deal.  I still don't think my mom has a grasp on who he is and what he is capable of.

Talk to your family and hopefully they back you up, I know mine sure didn't.  It makes no sense but what does huh?

Try and damage control early somehow.

Good luck.  Sorry about thar

[LilMissSunshine]

Oh my.  My exBPDfb contacted a member of my family a couple years ago with the intent of smearing me.  I come from a large close family and word spread like wild fire.  Problem was, everything he said was a blatant lie and it backfired.  Guess what happened?  My parents called a family meeting and it was decided that they had had enough of this psycho and politely asked that I no longer bring him to family functions including holiday celebrations.  They made it very clear that he was not even allowed on the property.  They expressed their concerns as to the abusive way he seemed to treat me.  Told me I could do much better and that this man would destroy my life and soul.  My children begged me to dump him.     I defended him    Can you believe it?  I defended him.  I didn't dump him but I did respect their wishes.  Then guess what happened?  Yup.  He twisted the whole thing around.  Said I bad mouthed him to my entire family.  I betrayed him.      He even said, he didn't "believe" he was no longer welcome in my family.  I was lying to him about that   .  Of course, I suggested he call any member of my family to confirm, but he REhit_SED to.   Yet, I still love this hit_h*le.  Lord help me  

[LilMissSunshine]

Oh, I might add that my families opinion of him was totally based on their experience with him.  I never ever said one bad thing about him.  I didn't have too.  They sensed, right off the bat, that something was terribly wrong with him.  However, as I'm an (older) adult, all they could do was wait it out, be aware and be there for me when everything crashed, which they've done.  I'm very, very lucky.

[goldylamont]

SeekingAdviceinCa so sorry to hear this. Your W is using the same BS story of "My life is so much better without him/her" story to try and hurt and smear you.

This may not feel good to hear, but i think you need to start viewing this person as the enemy that she is rather than a friend or lover. At least for a while until her actions don't matter any more. Sleeping around with lots of guys during a trial separation and then purposefully bragging about it to your family is the lowest of the low. To top it off after doing this she's calling you up and having you help her fix her gas at her apartment? Um, so that it's safe for her and other men to spend time together there?   My advice--don't show your emotions to her; but you seriously need to stop doing anything friendly for this person. No more fixing gas leaks in her love den. You deserve better. I would start informing your family slowly about her behavior as you can expect more of this kind of stuff from her. No more favors for her, ok? Unless you share children and they are in the middle of course.

[santa]

She might be saying that stuff knowing it will get back to you. It might just be a good old fashioned smear campaign though. You're bad. She's great. Same old story.

Are you going to stay with her after the 6 month separation is over? I hope you don't. She doesn't seem like a good partner. Quit hanging on and get yourself a divorce.

[Murbay]

My exBPDw contacted my mother last week. I have been NC with my ex for almost a year now but because I won't respond to her attempts to contact me, she has chosen to contact my family.

I was quite fortunate because she did try put a wedge between us so I started bccing my mother and my sister into any emails they were mentioned in so they could see the truth from the lies she was trying to feed them.

She even had the audacity to try and talk to my mother like nothing had happened. My mother didn't even respond, just put the phone down on her. That led to a very nasty and abusive voice message when she tried calling back, only showing things haven't changed.

And thats just it, nothing has changed for them. Their life is still a miserable mess which is perhaps why your stbex is contacting your family. She can't be happy if she is reaching out and because you are not around to project on to, she is trying to play a game to provoke a response from you. I'm sure if my mother had taken the call, she would have just been told how happy my exBPDw is now and how amazing her life is. Based on the increase of emails she keeps sending me, I know for a fact thats not true at all.

Your ex is trying to get in your head because she is unhappy and regardless of how great she says things are, that burning hole is still there and it just serves to prove to you that she is still the same person you separated from.

[Soulsisters]

Little miss sunshine,

I want your family!  I am not very big and don't eat much.  They won't even know I am there. 

Seeking advice, I think murbay is right that she may just be getting in your head.  Don't talk to her at all if you can. 

But just in case be ready to be slaughtered like a pig throughout town.  Ugliness can happen.  I had no clue what my loser x was truly capable of.  It was brutal.  I had to move, there was no way to damage control that jerk.

Just be careful, they will amaze you. 

Miss sunshine I'll be over at 6. For Sunday supper!

[heartandwhole]

SeekingAdvice,

I can understand your feelings, I'd be very upset if pwBPD started contacting my family.  Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do, especially if your family is in the dark about what she is up to.  I understand not wanting to get them involved – things can get pretty messy that way.

However, she is getting them involved, and I don't think it will help her.  Keeping your side of the street clean is all the advice I have, since you can't control what she does.

How are you feeling about the separation?  What does your lawyer have to say about this?

[LilMissSunshine]

Miss sunshine I'll be over at 6. For Sunday supper.

C'mon ovah.  Earlier if you'd like.

Hey, my point is, nothing you can do about smear or attempted smear campaigns.  Trust me, there are ton's of things I could do to ruin my exBPDbf, including destroying his career.  But I am different.  We are different.  We know it's wrong to retaliate like that.  I will not lower myself to his level, cross that boundary and f*%k with his or anyone else's career - not ever.  He's doing a great job destroying himself - all by himself.

If we're surrounded by the right people, the smear campaigns will backfire on them.  They only embarrass themselves like mine did.  I'll never forget what my sister said, "We don't care about the hit_ he was trying to tell us about you.  We can't get over the fact that he called us, your family who knows and loves you, with the intent of hurting you.  Dump him."

Funny thing is my family always expected him to come around and make amends.  But I knew nothing about BPD.  Instead, he continued to blame me for this issue accusing me of turning my family against him.  He insisted I talk to them and fix what i "had done"   

To sum, he started a smear campaign against me, it backfired, then I got accused of purposely turning everyone against him and now it was my responsibility to clear his name    

[Soulsisters]

Ok i's 530 then

You are right about how we handle ourselves it what we need to focus on.  I had another meeting with the FBI yesterday about the "hackers" my x paid 98k to torment me for 8 months.  They are still shocked that I didn't press charges, and believe me I wanted to for a long time.

But what good is taking his career away and sending him to the clink for maybe a year?  he will get out and be more desperate than ever, and lord knows what he could do to me then.  Plus I am not sure my kids would ever forgive me for ruining their father.  It would ruin his career forever and everything in his life revolves around money. 

But at the end of the day I know I didn't act like he did.  I can hold my head high and that is all I need to worry about.  I never want to live with anyone who makes me feel the way he did again. 

We just need to walk our own path and feel good about it.

That is not to say that the crap they pull on us doesn't hurt like bloody hell, we just are stronger than them.  We have to hurt so much because of loving them.  One day it will make sense why we had so much hurt over and over again.

[Turkish]

Ok i's 530 then

You are right about how we handle ourselves it what we need to focus on.  I had another meeting with the FBI yesterday about the "hackers" my x paid 98k to torment me for 8 months.  They are still shocked that I didn't press charges, and believe me I wanted to for a long time.

But what good is taking his career away and sending him to the clink for maybe a year?  he will get out and be more desperate than ever, and lord kninows what he could do to me then.  Plus I am not sure my kids would ever forgive me for ruining their father.  It would ruin his career forever and everything in his life revolves around money. 

But at the end of the day I know I didn't act like he did.  I can hold my head high and that is all I need to worry about.  I never want to live with anyone who makes me feel the way he did again. 

We just need to walk our own path and feel good about it.

That is not to say that the crap they pull on us doesn't hurt like bloody hell, we just are stronger than them.  We have to hurt so much because of loving them.  One day it will make sense why we had so much hurt over and over again.

That is complicated  with kids... .   one day they will be wise enough to see.

But he is a criminal,  plain and simple.  that has nothing to do with you,   and you have no obligation to abet or support his bad behavior. He did this, not you.

[LilMissSunshine]

SS, your absolutely correct.  We all have so much to hold our head high about, don't we?  The first thing being our decisions to detach and move on.  My X is a doc and sometimes when I'm having a moment and thinking of revenge I stop imediately as I think of the struggle it must have been to accomplish that.  Who am I to take that away.  Just wouldn't be able to live with myself.  I don't think he or any other pwBPD deserves to be punished.  They are suffering enough.  Oh, and bring the kids.

Getting back to  SeekingAdvice  - I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your family but I'm supposing it's a good thing that your sister-in-law n cousin were in a way trying to help you by letting you know of the conversation?  When my x contacted my family, I made excuses for his behavior.  I would not recomend doing that.  Is it possible for you to have a sit down with your family and explain the situation?  I know you said you weren't ready, but perhaps it's time.  Would you consider your family to be another possible form of support for you?

[Dutched]

Maybe I reacted in a different way as most of us did (must admit she got in my head... . ).

I “just” sent her a text messages, in which I vented with the same words as she did during an outburst (Yes she remembered much of what she said during outbursts).

I sent derogatory remarks, remarks in which I also made comparisons with BPD (had to be careful though as lawyers were busy…).

She attempted with an interval 2 – 3  times a year for about 2 yrs.

My family never responded, as: 1) they were aware because of past events 2) they were the 1st informed by me the day she blew all up  3) I sent some BCCs from my reactions on some of her mails in which she twisted fantasy in becoming facts.

As I kept a very low profile, there was no info about me. She got curious, so the 1 thing left was to contact them as were always very close with them.

Although completely split black, she waited 11 months(!) to file divorce, I was sitting duck (for her only).

Best guess is she wanted them to interfere and/or act as middleman before filing.

After that  “they” hope ( as an 4 year old) everything is normal again, so why can’t we (family) be friends again.

My texts were very hard, very derogate and even abusive… like they are.

Attempts stopped. 

However… she and a cousin (minor of age) from the same family are still friends on FB (that I cousins choice of course), but there is no attempt made to make contact via cousin in order to get contact with her parents… 

[santa]

I blocked my ex's phone number from contacting anyone in my immediate family. She couldn't if she wanted to.

She sent my mom a lot of emails a few months ago, but she agreed to just delete anything from my ex without reading. If your family cooperates with you, it's not that hard to block a smear campaign.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thanks for all the posts everyone. I sincerely appreciate all of you.

My family knows that there has been difficulties in the marriage over the years and knows that my wife can get emotionally unstable. They do not know of her current infidelities at the moment however. And that's why I'm keeping everyone in the dark as the legal proceedings go because if the wife found out that I knew what she's been up to I'm afraid she would completely rock the boat and make things nasty.

I said I was afraid of the s--t hitting the fan because of how she reacts to different things. For example, she had been dating a guy during our separation period (secretly, against our agreement) who she idolized rather quickly.  They dated for a month and a few weeks ago he dumped her. She was so distraught about it that she contacted the dating site they used to meet and reported him as a predator who preys on women, that he's married, and not what he looks like on the profile - All lies just to get back at this guy. This behavior has me worried about what kind of smears she would use against me.  She has already tried to paint herself as a poor victim in the past to my family and make me look bad. 

I was happy that my family came to me with this information. They know me. They know how hard I've worked to try and make my marriage work. Heartandwhole is right, I can't control what she does so I have to think strategically about this. I guess I just have to take these bullets she's shooting my way for a while until it's safe for me to divulge everything to my family.

Goldylamont, 

She lives 7 hours away so I didn't fix anything at her place, just texted what she could do for any gas smell. But I know it was an attempt to get attention as she has a landlord and another guy she is seeing. I've been back in NC and plan to keep it that way as much as possible. 

She has also made three Facebook posts in the past 10 days with comments like "life is good"  and "happiness."  I think it's all meant to dig at me. So frustrating. I've just tried to do everything I can to make this process as painless as possible. But I know for her she could make things hellish if she wanted to.

[Turkish]

I hate those fwcebook devaluations. So immature. Why don't you just block her at this point? It took mine two weeks to figure out that I did.

[goldylamont]

She has also made three Facebook posts in the past 10 days with comments like "life is good"  and "happiness."  I think it's all meant to dig at me. So frustrating. I've just tried to do everything I can to make this process as painless as possible. But I know for her she could make things hellish if she wanted to.

wow posting bs on facebook, all this "i'm so happy with my life right now" as a deceptive way of saying "i'm so much happier without X in my life" -- this is so annoying and it's hard not to let it get to you. this sucks SACa i know all to well.

and, sounds like you actually have a great handle on things and going about it the right way. i agree after hearing about your ex's behavior that it's best to keep quiet about things for now while you can execute your legal defense. don't let her see what's coming and at the same time it protects you from her vengeful reactions. best of luck to you with this. given time i'm sure your family will come to know the parts you feel important for them to know and support you fully.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Goldylamont,

It's totally meant to get under my skin and upset me. Same with telling my family members. They are all in for quite the surprise when I start opening Pandora's box to the past 14 years. The very select and trustworthy friends I have talked to about the problems have been shocked and basically told me to "run, don't walk, run".

I find it so immature that she needs to boast of how she's doing. I think Karma got to her though because she's been awfully sick the past few days (based on her Facebook posts).

Thank you for all your kind words. I appreciate it and wish you much luck.

[Soulsisters]

Try and do yourself just one kind favor.

Don't look at her Facebook or anywhere else she is socially.

You don't need that.  You really don't, please just be kind to your soul.  It is hurt and trying to heal don't hurt it anymore.  It takes time to heal, let yourself have it.

Soon you will be well again and look back and shake your head.

Heal

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thanks soulsisters. I'm really trying to heal. Any advice on how to heal the soul?  I'm exercising more. Trying to eat right. Bought a few self help books I want to tackle. I'm just sad and in pain and honestly, feel lonely. I kind of don't know where to go with my life from here.

[Turkish]

Thanks soulsisters. I'm really trying to heal. Any advice on how to heal the soul?  I'm exercising more. Trying to eat right. Bought a few self help books I want to tackle. I'm just sad and in pain and honestly, feel lonely. I kind of don't know where to go with my life from here.

Hi SAC, at the risk of sounding like I'm giving you a cut and paste answer, maybe you could try reading the lessons at the top of the Personal Inventory Board , and posting this very question there? Some people here are there too...

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thanks soulsisters. I'm really trying to heal. Any advice on how to heal the soul?  I'm exercising more. Trying to eat right. Bought a few self help books I want to tackle. I'm just sad and in pain and honestly, feel lonely. I kind of don't know where to go with my life from here.

Hi SAC, at the risk of sounding like I'm giving you a cut and paste answer, maybe you could try reading the lessons at the top of the Personal Inventory Board , and posting this very question there? Some people here are there too...

Great advice. Thanks Turkish. Appreciate it and all your posts.

[Soulsisters]

try to do some stuff you wouldn't think of ever doing.  Anything that you maybe wanted to do but she may not have liked.  Get rip roaring drunk and get a tattoo?

I found a new love for music and go to bunches of concerts.  Bands that I never heard before, and I love it.  There were no memories with that music and I swear music is a healing tonic.

I don't know where you live but I saw this one band called the white buffalo.  I had never heard of them before and the guy was magic.  I was a mess at the time and I swear he put a band aid on that really helped.

Pray like you have never prayed before.

That is my soul healer for the day.