Border Line Daughter

[Stingray]

Just learned about BPD Family! I have a border Line Daughter who is 27 yrs old. She is living with her boyfriend and they have disagreements that trigger her. She calls me and is usually hysterical and almost unable to carry on a conversation. Her boyfriend may say something that triggers her and after heated exchanges, he says their relationship is over. This is when she calls me. Anyone have the same situation in their lives? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Stingray

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Stingray and welcome.  You're certainly not alone, I have a 25 year old BPD daughter and went through this last week (and last month, last year, etc).  Unfortunately, it happens and we're sort of forced to play matchmaker in those situations. 

Have you spoken to the boyfriend at all?  It's important for them to understand at least the BPD basics and how some of those arguments come about.  Specifically, how to validate your partner through words and actions...avoiding conflict...and leading with empathy when things are stressful.

For what you should do, your job is simply to listen and do the same things you'd hope the boyfriend would do.  I'm sure he's no saint, but a lot of the drama/conflict comes from your kid's disordered thinking and fear of abandonment.  Helping your daughter work through that is important, but you don't want to become too enmeshed either.

I hope that helps- please ask specific questions so we can give you better guidance.

[Swimmy55]

HI,
Thanks for writing in.  Yes, if you could please  be more specific ( as you are comfortable)
 My thoughts are this-
1. Is this a formal diagnosis and does your daughter accept it?
2. Does boyfriend already know about diagnosis? 
If not, or if you don't know ,  would it be your place to inform him, though?   
3. Depending on answers to the above questions, can you talk to your daughter ( when she's calm) about the possibility of her sharing her diagnosis with bf/ ask permission to share her diagnosis?
Please feel free to write more as you are able.  We are here for you.

[js friend]

Hi stingray,

Yes, udd and her boyfriend would Triangulate me too until I told them both that I couldnt do it anymore. Even now I feel it was the right thing to do and it put the responsibility back on udd and b/f. What I did notice though was that udd became even more secretive about all areas of her life. I guess that comes from the Black And White thinking of people being all or bad or all good.