Is my BPD ignoring me to punish me or is she hurting too ?

[CooperD]

A week out from my wife leaving me and telling me she is divorcing me - I have heard nothing from her.  I have tried calling her / messaging her / emailing her and I know she received the calls/messages but i'm now blocked from everything. She has done the same to my parents and so all my lines of communication into her our broken.  She is in the US and I am in the UK.

I know due to what she has put me though I should be no contact and count my blessings and I really am trying but its mentally so tough.  The feeling that I will never see her or speak to her again.  In my worst moments I have contemplated jumping on a plane to miami to go and see her (i know that would be very unwise and dangerous).

I just want to understand what is happening - is she really doing this deliberately knowing how much it is torturing me or is she likely to also be suffering ?

Not been a good morning and woke with really bad anxiety.

[Pretty Woman]

Cooper,
      Emotional/Physical shut/down/cut-off is a form of control. She KNOWS it is driving you nuts. She is restricting any conversation, sharing of ideas/thoughts. This IS intentional. This is war she is raging on you.

Is she suffering? Who cares. Honestly. How are YOU feeling? This is no longer about her, this is about YOU. We care about YOU and your well-being.

Cooper, after my BPD relationship I realized I was surrounded by emotionally cruel people who were holding me back in life. I made excuses for their behavior towards me. I groveled and begged for them to talk to me, to please give me another chance, when they cut me off completely over some ridiculous nonsense (one former friend didn't speak to me for 8mo because I had to change dinner plans with her because work scheduled me on an unexpected trip)! This person recently emailed me "Happy Birthday! Sorry I haven't been in touch for awhile, I hope you are doing well."

The audacity. Honestly.

Seriously. I tried to reach out to this person a few times with zero response. Now she is lonely and has decided to stop punishing me for her "emotional bs" and I am EXPECTED to be there. Not anymore. These are games people who are emotionally stunted play.

I know you are hurting, friend. Many of us stayed in these relationships because we didn't want to "lose" and in the process we lost OURSELVES.

NC is not a game. It's not to "get back at the other person" at least it shouldn't be by the non. NC is essential for you to detox and heal. You WILL go through withdrawl from this toxic relationship, especially if you have been involved for years. You have to get YOU back. You will fall, we all do. All I can say is this... .

This site is here for you to be open and share how you are feeling. We are listening. There are hundreds of people on here that don't post, but read. Hearing your story helps them and posting is cathartic, knowing people are here with YOUR best interest in mind.

When I first came out of my relationship my therapist pointed out it was "all about her". I was worried about this broken doll having left me. I was worried about her while she had manipulated me for years, cheated, hit and abused me. She went on to actually tell people I raped her! Me. And STILL I was worried about HER.

WTF.

Clearly I spent my entire life letting a BPD Mother, Grandmother, Aunt and various people close in my life, use and treat me badly. Now that I am removed from all of them I can say I am 98% happier. I am THRIVING in my job and personal life. The friends I have are loyal and great people. I don't settle for crap anymore. I love myself more than I ever have and that has radiated to others who ALSO love themselves with the same care.

Cooper, keep posting here. When you feel the urge to message her feel free to msg me. Send it as if it is a message TO her. Do NOT SEND ANYTHING TO HER. Don't chase after her, all that will do is hurt you more and at this point she sees it as pathetic and will portray you, regardless of how sincere your intentions, as a stalker.

Once a BPD splits you you are the enemy and they truly see you as a threat.  During one break up I tried to get closure through a phone call and she filed a RO on me. They are serious and they will tell horrific lies about you. They will get you fired from your job if you are not careful.

I work with my ex's sister. She used to be my friend. While my ex was telling me she loved me she was telling others (unbeknownst to me) I was psychologically abusing her, that she (in her words) "feared for her life". I also did not know she was reaching out to several exes trying to get them to "save her" from me. Her sister thinks I'm an absolute monster.

BPD's are liars and cheats. What happened in my situation is her sister is "cut from the same cloth" and is terrified of me.  If you met me you would laugh at this. She has threatened to get me fired if I even "look at her the wrong way".

That is bullying.

For two years I didn't use the bathroom on my work floor because she works on this floor too. I allowed her to bully me until this year. Now, I walk by with my head up high. Who is hiding now... .

Yup. Her.

Keep your chin up, friend. Surround yourself with positive people and try to depersonalize what she is doing to you. It's the disorder. Don't ALLOW her to treat you poorly, and don't try to figure her out. She is NOT your problem. Work on you. THAT you can fix.

Trust me on that. It worked for me and it continues to work. The stronger you get the less she will matter and what she thinks of you is irrelevant.


PW

[DazedandConfus3d]

My impression from my experience and reading is that they ARE hurting too, not just now, but all the time. 

HOWEVER, they deal with that hurt like a selfish 5 year old and will always seek to displace that hurt onto someone (their SO) who is a person they select for being kind and caring and willing to carry other's pain, to absorb blame, to seek compromise, etc.

So, at the end of they day, yes- they hurt, but no, they don't deal with it like you do, and it's always going to be YOU that ends up carrying that pain. 

I try to have compassion for my ex as a profoundly hurt woman, while at the same time recognizing she's kind of like the scorpion in the scorpion and the frog story- she'll always sting you, because it's her nature.  A scorpion isn't evil or even malicious, but it IS dangerous if you let it close. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cooper-

Borderlines are always hurting, living with the disorder is a living hell, but since they've been doing it their whole lives borderlines have developed psychological tools to deal with it, including projection, splitting, and compartmentalization. 

We all do that to some extent, if thinking about something or someone in our lives makes us feel negative emotions, we just "don't think about it" or "ignore it and it will go away", or maybe more healthy, confront and address the issue straightforwardly with honesty, vulnerability and trust.  Of course some things just can't be repaired, so we get to find a way to accept, forgive, deal with, whatever.

So amp that up to 10.  Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, so the tools to deal with them need to be equally intense: compartmentalize and project to such an extent that you and your parents literally don't exist in her reality, because thinking about you hurts too much. 

And sadism and maliciousness aren't traits of the disorder, although if someone is in pain it may be attractive to have someone else "share their pain".  Or, if consideration of the demise of the relationship, and the ensuing abandonment from a borderline's perspective, triggers great shame, then project all of that onto the ex simply to feel better, which makes the ex the owner of all the "bad" and therefore deserving of whatever they're getting.

I'm sorry you're in that Cooper, a week is brand new, hang in there, keep talking, and take care of you!

[CooperD]

Hi folks,

I have an update ! Thank you very much for your input - its as if pretty woman is a fortune teller as everything you said happened.

I had just got off the phone speaking to a counsellor (specialist in this disorder) this afternoon and she told me in clear terms - consider yourself very lucky to still be alive and stay away from this woman.  i will post an authoritative list of incidents/words over the coming weeks. 

By pure coincidence and only 5 minutes after getting off the phone with the counsellor, my BPD finally replied to my messages. It was as if she must have felt a disturbance in her BPD world.  In my messages I had  pleaded with her for information about what was happening / begged to know that she was ok and told her I only wanted to speak to her for 5 minutes after 5 years together.  I have all the messages and they express love / support and just wanting to understand.

Her message was as follows - this was after a week of me hearing nothing from her and feeling tortured to the point of having to go to the doctors -

" Leave me alone before my attorney puts a motion for stalking and harrasment.  I will mever return to you and I have nothing else to say. Leave me alone becore this gets ugly.  I will persue legal measures against you if necessary.  The divorce is going to happen.  I have nothing to say to you ever again. Do not even dare respond to this email because god as my witness i will pursue this with the attorney along with contacting your job.  Do not respond because I will do it. Get out of my life".

To note this was all written in capitals - always does that when she is furious.

Receiving that message after a week of being put through mental torture from the person who a year ago was stood with a tear in her eye marrying me and thanking me for being so patient and kind to her is startling.

She described me then as her greatest love and that she found her joy through me.

Now with that message on the back of the last week I realise just how dangerous she is to me.

I will never EVER contact her again.  I have made a folder on my phone titled "abuse by my BPD" so that if my mind ever starts to reminicse I can listen to the audio recording of her telling me she was going to report me for rape / I can look at the pictures of my face covered in blood when she assaulted me and I can read the suicide note I wrote a few months ago to her telling her I could not take my own wife hating me so much.

Thanks for your support guys as this forum has been a light in the dark.







 

[Kelli Cornett]

She left you. Of course you are upset. How long has she been MIA?

[Pretty Woman]

Losing your job or getting sued is not worth it.


I don't like "being right" in these situations, it sucks but you need to start taking her at face value. You are now seeing the "real her" not the mask she was holding up to ensnare you. This is your ex stripped down to the bare bones, this is her at her core.

You have every right to be angry and upset. Those are natural feelings. You will vacillate between sad and angry, this is common.

If you need to vent come here, do not attempt to rationalize with her.

Given the BPD's fragile state of emotions she may come back eventually, acting like none of this happened (when she's bored or no one is putting up with her behavior). You may get an "apology"'but listen to it... .is it genuine or strictly an attempt to reel you back?
I guarantee it's likely the latter.

Keep a list of things she's done like these threats to remind you of the bad times. time does heal but sometimes we forget how bad it was. Also record dates and times in the event she does try to sue you. Make sure you keep record.

At this point gloves are off. Respect her wishes regardless of if she truly deserves your respect or not and stay safe, friend. Keep going to counseling and posting here. We are here for you and you will get through this.

❤️
PW

[michel71]

Hey my friend. I second EVERYTHING that Pretty Woman has said. You have my total support and everybody on here. Sometimes friends don't truly understand what we go through with our BPD significant others, so for me, this place is very special and has saved me from many episodes of undue grief.
I know you feel completely shattered. The rug was pulled out from under you so abruptly. IF you can't take comfort in much of anything PLEASE take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are in your own place, in your own country, with a good job and good friends and your family. You are HOME. She is not in your world now. Thousands of miles away and that is the best part of all of this besides the fact that she really did you a favor by ending it sooner than later. She could have strung it out like mine did.
What about spousal support and the like? Does she want any? What about anything you put her on title to? The flat? I don't know what international law is in regards to divorce.
I know you will hear many times over that you dodged a bullet. But you really dodged a cannon. IT hurts like hell and you still love her. She is a fraud. What happened with her in the past, the good times, was perpetrated by a very sick individual. I am sorry you are suffering. It would have been much worse had she stayed with you in England.

[CooperD]

Good evening folks,

Thanks for your comments.

Pretty woman your right - she probably wants me to reach out again so that she can do as she states and go for my job.  It will not happen as I am determined now that I will never contact her again.  As you say her response when I have felt tortured by her so much shows what she really is to the very core.  The fact she responded like that when I was completely desperate and hurt has made something click inside of me.  I can put my hand on my heart and say I do not want to be with her anymore.

Michel thank you so much - writing it likes that makes it clear to me - she is gone / thousands of miles away and can now no longer hurt me unless I allow her to enter my mind.  The divorce papers I signed make no allegations etc its basic incompatabile differences and there are no finances to split and neither of us are going to make financial claims on the forms that have been signed.  i do not trust her and know how spiteful and bitter she is but i think she just wants the divorce papers to move on (her next victim is probably already lined up).  She divorced her last husband (he was also painted black to me by her) and then fell straight in with me so there is a pattern.

This is the first day were I will maintain no contact and I feel again like I can breathe properly.

[michel71]

Breathing is good Cooper. Relief is sweet. Embrace it totally.