How to find self-confidence again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear group,

I am happy that time does help. I succeed in keeping N/C and leaving him, although it was very very hard.

Although I will not be back to him, I still need to heal myself. He kept on criticizing me in every aspect... .

I want to find a better job.

His comment: you are the person which only pursues money and does not understand life at all.

I cooked, and basically other people love my dishes.

His comment: nobody cook like this, you waste food... .

I can list thousands of those.

I felt no one hates me like that. However, even right now, he claimes that I am the one who he wants to spend time with. It is so crazy. It is finding someone to torture, instead of like or love.

After more than a half year leaving like this, I feel as if I am an awful person. Whatever I did, was wrong.

I need to reconstruct my self-confidence. (I understand he can not depend my value, but the negative feeling is still there)

Moreover, I begin to hate to have a relationship with anyone. The experience makes me feel the relationship is so meaningless.

Do you have this kind of trouble? How do you confront with it?

[apple2]

Dear group,

I am happy that time does help. I succeed in keeping N/C and leaving him, although it was very very hard.

Although I will not be back to him, I still need to heal myself. He kept on criticizing me in every aspect... .

I want to find a better job.

His comment: you are the person which only pursues money and does not understand life at all.

I cooked, and basically other people love my dishes.

His comment: nobody cook like this, you waste food... .

I can list thousands of those.

I felt no one hates me like that. However, even right now, he claimes that I am the one who he wants to spend time with. It is so crazy. It is finding someone to torture, instead of like or love.

After more than a half year leaving like this, I feel as if I am an awful person. Whatever I did, was wrong.

I need to reconstruct my self-confidence. (I understand he can not depend my value, but the negative feeling is still there)

Moreover, I begin to hate to have a relationship with anyone. The experience makes me feel the relationship is so meaningless.

Do you have this kind of trouble? How do you confront with it?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you went through that apple, and I'm happy you're out.  You feel like an awful person because you made what he said matter, a natural thing to do with someone you're in a relationship with.  Problem is a borderline in devaluation mode can say very hurtful things, and although we may know intellectually it's not about us, emotionally it still has an impact.  I struggled with a lack of confidence for quite a while after I left her, still do at times, but the most important thing I found to find confidence is to not look for it, create it; confidence is not something we get, it's something we do, by taking care of ourselves very well and controlling what we focus on.

Is there an area of your life where you are very confident?  What do you focus on when you're feeling that confidence?

[Mike-X]

Thank you for the post.

It sounds like you are on the right path by taking inventory of your strengths, things you enjoy, and positive people in your life and dismissing your ex's criticisms.

Have you looked over the following:

Self-respect and our sense of ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Believing in ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

[apple2]

I'm sorry you went through that apple, and I'm happy you're out.  You feel like an awful person because you made what he said matter, a natural thing to do with someone you're in a relationship with.  Problem is a borderline in devaluation mode can say very hurtful things, and although we may know intellectually it's not about us, emotionally it still has an impact.  I struggled with a lack of confidence for quite a while after I left her, still do at times, but the most important thing I found to find confidence is to not look for it, create it; confidence is not something we get, it's something we do, by taking care of ourselves very well and controlling what we focus on.

Is there an area of your life where you are very confident?  What do you focus on when you're feeling that confidence?

I am also sorry that you suffered from the similar situation as my. He said on the first day that he likes me because I am a very confident person. I was. But I am no more after spending much time with him.

I myself tend to be a perfectionist. That makes the critics worse for me.

I regarded him as a clever person which is good at job and has talent in many things. That make the critics worse for me.

The awful part is he spent lot of time with me, then criticizing me, even for nothing. e.g. I spoke in normal voice and I am not a loud person. He said, why you are so loud, my ears hurt... .I wondered if he didn't want, why staying with me? as if he really tried hard, but he could not bear me. It is a terrible feeling.

I am trying to rebuild myself. Still it is hard. I hope time can help... .

[apple2]

Thank you for the post.

It sounds like you are on the right path by taking inventory of your strengths, things you enjoy, and positive people in your life and dismissing your ex's criticisms.

Have you looked over the following:

Self-respect and our sense of ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Believing in ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

Thanks for sharing the articles.

"I think the BP in many of our lives feeds and magnifies this inner critic of ours. "

It is exactly so.

Moreover, he was the person whom I admired and respected. The more I cherished his good traits, the worse I felt about myself.

I am trying everything I can. Still, the negative words come back... .Hope I can let the words gone just by using a "delete" button.

[myself]

Some people feel bad about themselves and work on tearing others down.

Some people feel bad about themselves and work to build themselves up.

Believe in the best parts of you. Listen to your own heart. Keep going.

[apple2]

Some people feel bad about themselves and work on tearing others down.

Some people feel bad about themselves and work to build themselves up.

Wise words! Thank you!

[Mike-X]

Thank you for the post.

It sounds like you are on the right path by taking inventory of your strengths, things you enjoy, and positive people in your life and dismissing your ex's criticisms.

Have you looked over the following:

Self-respect and our sense of ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Believing in ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

Thanks for sharing the articles.

"I think the BP in many of our lives feeds and magnifies this inner critic of ours. "

It is exactly so.

Moreover, he was the person whom I admired and respected. The more I cherished his good traits, the worse I felt about myself.

I am trying everything I can. Still, the negative words come back... .Hope I can let the words gone just by using a "delete" button.

I definitely understand the sentiment in wanting a delete button.  However, I believe that you have a delete button that can actually help you to grow from this, and I believe that it is your inner voice, that you're are saying is often so critical.

The critical inner voice has probably been trained through your experiences to be critical and invalidating. Here is how I am thinking about me and my inner voice. My inner voice has been so critical for so long. I believe that it developed from all forms of invalidation that I have had to deal with, from caregivers, the media, friends/acquaintances, enemy, and so on. It also has probably come from my own people pleasing efforts for praise or 'validation' that transformed or at least influenced even my own expectations of self-perfection.

Have you considered trying to retrain your inner voice to be positive, validating instead of invalidating, compassionate, understanding, accepting, and appreciative toward you? I mean honestly vocally and subvocally saying positive things about yourself regularly?

Additonally, have you considered trying to depersonalize the critiques and invalidation you experience from others?

[hergestridge]

I can relate so much to this. I am a person with a lot of qualities. Some would even say that I have some extraordinary qualities. My BPD ex-partner did pay some lip-service, said she enjoyed and appreciated some of these qualities. But in reality our life together was a power struggle of having it her way or my way, so support of appreciation could be turned to its opposite at any time (from her side, that is). That kind of eroded my self confidence over the years.

She would say I was a taltented musician but if my music making took too much attention from her or clashed with some interest she would like to pursue, then suddenly she questioned my talent and said I was getting nowhere with my music anyway.

One time I would take for a ride in the car to a beautiful place in the woods and we went for a long walk there. She showered me with praise and said it made her feel so good and what a nice place I had found. A week or two later I would take her to the same place and she would just ask coldly ask me why I was driving her there (she had not forgotten about the first time we went there, I asked her). That was how she operated. Cold showers on a regular basis.

For twenty years time we almost never socialised with anyone else together as a couple. I can count the handful of times we did that. I always felt guiltly about that, because I dropped most of my friends after we met because they all clashed with my wife and her ideas and her schedule. I thought I should had been able to balance that or make it work somehow.

I tried to make it work a few times. My wife held up a nice face all night, but as soon as we got home she was strangely indifferent about the experience and talked about the hassle it would mean to do anything in return (i e to invite the friends back), so it sort of became an every three year thing.

Towards the end of our relationship we talked about this in the open. It was a mighty unpleasant experience. She confessed she didn't like to see other people and me at the same time. She preffered meeting me alone, and meeting friends separately. She couldn't say why. Still the mad the stomach to sit around and b*ch for 20 years about how boring our social life is, when she wanted nothing else. I tried conversation, I tried board games. No. She just wanted food, sugar and TV. Then go to bed. For 20 years. And then some complaining in between... .about how it could be better if I just tried a bit harder.

It now makes total sense in a BPD context. The weak sense of self, the non-identity. Adapting different personae with different people. But it's a theatre act, it's not real. The mask slips after an hour or two. I now understand she hated all the weird music I played, all the intellectual sh*t I talked about. She was not telling me who she was at all (if she was someone?). She was just TV-watching woman who wanted to go out partying with friends. But she didn't have a lot of friends, so she stayed home with horrible boyfriend she couldn't stand instead.

Every 14 days she brightened up a bit, and she seemed to like me a little bit. So I stayed. But when you're that downtrodden confidence-wise, that works!

Step one in finding seld-confidence is to do what I have done above; to face just how f*cked the situation has been. It's a lot of work actually.

[apple2]

Thank you for the post.

It sounds like you are on the right path by taking inventory of your strengths, things you enjoy, and positive people in your life and dismissing your ex's criticisms.

Have you looked over the following:

Self-respect and our sense of ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Believing in ourselves: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

Thanks for sharing the articles.

"I think the BP in many of our lives feeds and magnifies this inner critic of ours. "

It is exactly so.

Moreover, he was the person whom I admired and respected. The more I cherished his good traits, the worse I felt about myself.

I am trying everything I can. Still, the negative words come back... .Hope I can let the words gone just by using a "delete" button.

I definitely understand the sentiment in wanting a delete button.  However, I believe that you have a delete button that can actually help you to grow from this, and I believe that it is your inner voice, that you're are saying is often so critical.

The critical inner voice has probably been trained through your experiences to be critical and invalidating. Here is how I am thinking about me and my inner voice. My inner voice has been so critical for so long. I believe that it developed from all forms of invalidation that I have had to deal with, from caregivers, the media, friends/acquaintances, enemy, and so on. It also has probably come from my own people pleasing efforts for praise or 'validation' that transformed or at least influenced even my own expectations of self-perfection.

Have you considered trying to retrain your inner voice to be positive, validating instead of invalidating, compassionate, understanding, accepting, and appreciative toward you? I mean honestly vocally and subvocally saying positive things about yourself regularly?

Additonally, have you considered trying to depersonalize the critiques and invalidation you experience from others?

Hi Mike,

For me, it was a hard time, because I actually managed to to depersonalize the critiques from others. As I referred, I got a new position in a highly competitive firm. Every day need to work at least 15 hours.

The team cherishs my performance and actually regards I am doing a good job. But you know, people sleep less and are under high pressure can also say something harsh to you, be impatient or lose the temper during the work, even they don't mean that. I can depersonalize all. I have good friendship with colleagues indeed. It is ok.

But it just becomes too much, when at home the partner gave me even more critics.

I think I just cared about him too much, so what he said totally defeated me.

[apple2]

I can relate so much to this. I am a person with a lot of qualities. Some would even say that I have some extraordinary qualities. My BPD ex-partner did pay some lip-service, said she enjoyed and appreciated some of these qualities. But in reality our life together was a power struggle of having it her way or my way, so support of appreciation could be turned to its opposite at any time (from her side, that is). That kind of eroded my self confidence over the years.

She would say I was a taltented musician but if my music making took too much attention from her or clashed with some interest she would like to pursue, then suddenly she questioned my talent and said I was getting nowhere with my music anyway.

One time I would take for a ride in the car to a beautiful place in the woods and we went for a long walk there. She showered me with praise and said it made her feel so good and what a nice place I had found. A week or two later I would take her to the same place and she would just ask coldly ask me why I was driving her there (she had not forgotten about the first time we went there, I asked her). That was how she operated. Cold showers on a regular basis.

For twenty years time we almost never socialised with anyone else together as a couple. I can count the handful of times we did that. I always felt guiltly about that, because I dropped most of my friends after we met because they all clashed with my wife and her ideas and her schedule. I thought I should had been able to balance that or make it work somehow.

I tried to make it work a few times. My wife held up a nice face all night, but as soon as we got home she was strangely indifferent about the experience and talked about the hassle it would mean to do anything in return (i e to invite the friends back), so it sort of became an every three year thing.

Towards the end of our relationship we talked about this in the open. It was a mighty unpleasant experience. She confessed she didn't like to see other people and me at the same time. She preffered meeting me alone, and meeting friends separately. She couldn't say why. Still the mad the stomach to sit around and b*ch for 20 years about how boring our social life is, when she wanted nothing else. I tried conversation, I tried board games. No. She just wanted food, sugar and TV. Then go to bed. For 20 years. And then some complaining in between... .about how it could be better if I just tried a bit harder.

It now makes total sense in a BPD context. The weak sense of self, the non-identity. Adapting different personae with different people. But it's a theatre act, it's not real. The mask slips after an hour or two. I now understand she hated all the weird music I played, all the intellectual sh*t I talked about. She was not telling me who she was at all (if she was someone?). She was just TV-watching woman who wanted to go out partying with friends. But she didn't have a lot of friends, so she stayed home with horrible boyfriend she couldn't stand instead.

Every 14 days she brightened up a bit, and she seemed to like me a little bit. So I stayed. But when you're that downtrodden confidence-wise, that works!

Step one in finding seld-confidence is to do what I have done above; to face just how f*cked the situation has been. It's a lot of work actually.

Hi!

Thanks for sharing this. I am sorry to hear that you need to go through all this and even for 20 years. I can't imagine. Even after 8 months I felt I am getting crazy.

It doesn't matter how close I was with him, I just felt there was a wall between him and me. I never know what pissed him off. It could be everything.  

None of my friends can accept him. On my birthday party he wanted to be the focus deeply? He was just mad at me because of tiny things and wanted to leave at once. None of my friends could understand. Everyone was unhappy. I cried in the rest room. Still I bought him drink to let him calm down. The answer was, you can not use money to buy a good night. The night is ruined. You can't change.  I don't know what kind a person can behave like that.

I could not even look at the past. I felt psychologically deeply tortured by this relationship. I was in the inferior position. Although objectively speaking, he has even nothing better than me to treat me like that.

I loved him. I hoped unconditional love and tolerance can help him understand. But I realize that he will never understand, never ever.

I can not help him. I only want to rebuild myself right now.