First Post - Tired of being heartbroken - Push/Pull cycle with uBPD (long)

[virginiawoolf]

I don't even know where to start... .and, honestly, giving a full background of my relationship is beyond me right now.

My uBPD and I have been together for nearly 2 years -- but this has been marred by an extremely disturbing makeup/breakup, push/pull cycle. I am his first "real" relationship. The longest he's ever been in a relationship and, he insists, the first and only woman he's ever been in love with. I should also mention that I am 10 years older than him. I've been in a number of long term relationships before, including a seven year one in which I was engaged. I admit I’m not the easiest person, and they haven't always been the smoothest -- but they've never been anything close to this. I've also done a LOT of work on myself.

Another thing to mention is that he lives (by a combination of choice and circumstance) a very unconventional lifestyle. He was sent to what sounds to be a very abusive behavior modification "school" by his (divorced) parents when he was 15. And has been on his own since he managed to essentially “escape” at 16. He's exceptionally intelligent (somewhat brilliant even) but never finished HS. Has has radicalized political views,  unconventional jobs, spends VERY little money, then travels somewhat extensively. I'm as open minded as they come, and certainly not considered “conventional, but I do work a very regular job, have a degree from one of the best colleges in the country, etc.

I've known, since close to the start, that my uBPD has had many problems. By his own admission: he is extremely unstable, suffers from near-debilitating anxiety, and has serious attachment issues. I didn't really delve into the specific possibility of BPD until recently. But so much of what I'm now reading about disorder describes him so well. It also describes the dynamic of our relationship so well -- and the impact it's had on me. And yet sometimes I think: is it really BPD? Or is he just an immature, entitled, selfish, jerk? 

We became extremely close, extremely quickly, almost 2 years ago. He pretty much pursued me very hard and swept me off my feet. It wasn’t completely reckless though. He noted, early on, that he “doesn’t do” relationships. In fact he said that he doesn’t generally “date” (or even sleep with a woman more than 2-3x). But all of his actions toward me felt very relationship-oriented. He was (is) passionate, and expressed the most amazing love and dedication (or so I thought) toward me.

Not long after we started dating, a somewhat dramatic situation arose in his life, and I helped him with this -- A LOT (little did I know he'd always be dealing with turmoil of some sorts). I kept turning a blind eye to his various freakouts (which were not generally directed toward me), because I loved/trusted him and preferred to attribute them to his current extenuating circumstances. 

He left the country for 4 months, just 3 months into our relationship. A shorter version of this trip was planned even before he'd even met me -- but the trip became a dire necessity in his (perhaps paranoid) mind due to the aforementioned “dramatic situation” (There's a long, complex story there, which I won't go into). He was in touch with me incessantly - often multiple times a day throughout. Frantically calling and emailing; constantly professing his love in beautiful ways. I went to visit him midway through. Though we'd both been counting down the seconds to seeing each other, I found the trip to be difficult -- marred by impatience and selfishness on his part and the fact that he had taken to drinking way too much, to cope with his supposed stress. I'd traveled halfway around the world and used my annual allotment of vacation time to see him, after having selflessly helped him for months -- to feel that I was walking on eggshells, and he was pushing me away. Yet, just prior to my departure he began again to express extreme attachment, many tears, etc. He idealized the trip and continued to stay almost desperately in touch after I left. I remained receptive, loving, and in love, though my eyes had been opened a bit.

He returned 2 months later and we were reunited -- but about six weeks after that broke up with me. The “breakup” lasted maybe a day and a half, only for us to get back together. This cycle repeated on a weekly basis for the next month. Then we stabilized a bit. There have been 2-3 more significant breakups since then (the longest was for a month), only one initiated by me. Beyond that there have been various, vacillating attempts by im to redefine our relationship, ranging from “open” relationship (“I can’t be monogamous, it’s unnatural” he once said, “but I’m so in love with you--do you really think a one night stand could threaten the bond we have?”) to “I want to marry you and be completely monogamous.”

I reluctantly rode out the above (or, more accurately, avoided discussing much since he couldn’t seem to handle an open discussion). But my frustration began to grow in other ways. Despite his beautiful expressions of love, everything seemed to be about him. I’ve given so much, focusing on the various dramas and struggles in his life. And yet, with just a few exceptions, if I am ever to bring up anything about myself, he becomes extremely upset. My requests are construed as criticisms or threats. Even things as simple as: What time do you want to meet? or When are you coming back from your trip? are met with anger from him. I’ve basically stopped asking these things (even when it seems ridiculous not to) for fear of setting him off.

Any problems in my life are viewed as threats/competition. He is invested in his identity as a “victim”; his life is so much more “difficult" than mine could ever be -- despite the fact that he generally works 2-4 days/week, then spends 4+ months per year on vacations and trips.  Due to this sort of lifestyle (the only one he’s ever known) his funds are extremely limited. He doesn’t rely on me financially. He believes we split things 50/50 (I’m pretty sure I pay for/provide more -- though that’s not a huge issue). However, he lives an EXTREMELY frugal life. (Meaning going to a full price movie would be an absolute luxury for him). I would never dare mention this to him, but it’s been quite a change from what I am used to, and I suppose I do feel it’s been a bit of a sacrifice on my part (though one I’d gladly make in exchange for a stable relationship with someone as amazing as him). I’m not able to do with him the normal things I do with friends: go out for a nice meal; take taxis; go to a bar and pay for drinks; go to a concert -- and certainly not the things I’d do with more financially well-off ex-BFs.

He talks constantly about how he is “emotionally available for me”. And he expresses his love to me so consistently and so passionately that I believe it to be true. He generally makes me feel like the most beautiful, most intelligent, most special woman to walk the earth. So he is extremely validating in these ways. But the VERY few times I've ever shared an actual problem with him, he either becomes unhinged, or holds it against me indefinitely. (For example, he'll still bring up a time 6 months ago when he was at my house and I discovered  all of my jewelry had been stolen -- obviously very upsetting -- and he "supported" me. His version of “support” was to stick around my house for a few hours, and later judge me harshly for caring about something as superficial as jewelry. Or the few times (I can count them on one hand) that he’s talked to me briefly about problems I’ve had with friends/family. At this point I avoid going to him with problems.

At the same time, one of his biggest gripes with me involves his frequent, panicked attempts to get in touch with me. It happens most often when I am out with friends (which makes him extremely jealous), but also when I’m at work or with  my family. I’ll often look at my phone to find desperate texts and/or anywhere from 5 to upwards of 20 or more missed calls from him -- that I’ve accidentally missed (even if I’ve only been away for 30 minutes or so). I used to leave any and everything I was doing to give my full attention to him in these circumstances. But even when I do that, he’s usually so angry by the time he gets through to me (angry about the fact that I’ve been “ignoring” his calls) that it’s not even clear what he was calling about to begin with. These turn into 10, 20, 30, 40+ minute conversations, where I’m stepping out of dinners/parties/my job/ etc. to try to talk him down and deal with his drama. He’ll do the same thing in the middle of the night. He has such extreme anger toward me about this issue.

He accuses me of "controlling" him. Yet my friends tell me that my name and the word “control” don’t even belong in the same sentence. As best as I can tell, what he really means is that he (and his well-being) are profoundly affected by me and our relationship. He can't regulate his emotional responses; he can’t self-soothe; he feels overwhelmed, afraid, etc. The reality is, that HE initiates ALL of our plans, almost all of the calling, texting, etc. We do what he wants, watch what he wants, etc. I honestly I have no problem with this 90% of the time.

He’s told me dozens and dozens of times that he lives in fear of losing me. Which I don’t understand because I’ve ABSOLUTELY been there for him -- to such an extreme capacity. He’s constantly the one “leaving me” (then coming back) or pushing me away emotionally while I try variously to either soothe/convince him, or give him the space he needs, without ever questioning it.

I said I wouldn’t write too much -- and now I clearly have.

I’m desperate and so heartbroken.

A month and a half ago I was in a better place. I managed to break up with him (the first time I’ve ever really done that). He wooed me back in the sweetest of ways within 2.5 weeks. And now he is pushing me away in the meanest of ways. He’s gone from “crazy” to downright cruel at times. He’s finding fault with EVERYTHING I do. On the one-hand he seems to interpret everything as a rejection--and become extremely angry about it. On the other hand, I am noticing that when I am openly loving, he pushes me away for that too. The resentment he feels toward me is unbearable. And then he’ll unexpectedly be extremely loving. We’ll have beautiful moments together.

I get the distinct sense that 2 things are at play right on right now:

He’s in a phase where he’s actively trying to “punish” me for all of the pain I’ve supposedly caused him.

He has another “big” trip planned. He’s going to leave the country for 2.5 months (or longer) -- and will be leaving in about 3 weeks. I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m OK with this. But it’s been a huge issue for him. I know missing me and worrying about losing me caused him a lot of pain and stress on his last trip. I also know that he’s not willing to be sexually faithful over the course of such a long trip (something which, unfortunately, we didn’t discuss as openly as we should have before the last one). He resents ME for this. He resents me for being something that inhibits his freedom and his wanderlust (not because I’m asking him to stay, but because he’s afraid of leaving me).  I think he deeply resents me for being a thing that keeps him anchored to his home (and indirectly -- because he knows he’ll miss me/might lose me -- prevents him from feeling so free about his plan). In fact he admitted yesterday that he is sabotaging our relationship because he’s afraid of leaving on this trip.

In fact, there is no “relationship” at the moment -- he’s suddenly in this phase of insisting he can’t be my boyfriend and he can’t be in a relationship. When a month ago he was “madly in love” with me, and I was his “soulmate”. He’s done this before, but in a more compassionate way. This time he is so angry --  he’s actually making me feel like I’m an evil person.

And I’m kind of silently suffering yet again. I started to read a bit about validating him, etc… and have found that it actually does help a bit in keeping arguments from getting out of hand.

Not even sure what kind of help I’m asking for at this point. I have so much more I want to write of this 2 year experience -- and I will, eventually. But I think this is it for now. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hello v woolf and welcome to BPD Family.

You have definitely been through a difficult time. The push/pull and being painted white and then black by our loved ones is very hard to understand or even to maintain our feet on the ground and our heads attached to our shoulders. It is emotionally exhausting. I hope that you are doing some positive things for yourself as he prepares for this next trip, as ultimately, our ability (and strength) to live with a person with a mental illness is dependent on the resources that we have inside ourselves. If we use these up, we will have nothing for us, our friends/family or our partner.

When you have an opportunity, please consider looking at the Lessons on the right of this page. There are self-tests for evaluating whether or not your partner has BPD, which gradually proceed to resources that help you understand the effect of your actions within the relationship and communication tools to begin to limit the damage you create and receive within a relationship with someone with BPD. From your description, it certainly sounds as if he has many traits of BPD.

Venting here is safe and okay. And getting our thoughts on paper really helps clear our heads. There are a lot of good resources on this site and a community of caring, respectful, helpful people who have been through or are going through what you are experiencing. Please keep posting, and please ask questions as they arise. Being in relationship with someone with BPD takes a lot of bravery and strength. At the least, we can learn how not to make things worse in our relationships. For me, that was critical before things could even get a little bit better. 

[NGU]

Not even sure what kind of help I’m asking for at this point. I have so much more I want to write of this 2 year experience -- and I will, eventually.

I'm fairly confident that at some point, you'll know what type of help you need from the group, or what questions to ask. Writing all that was a pretty good step.

If I may make a request as you write more about your experience... .can you tell us a little more about his positive traits? It might help us get a better understanding of your relationship. 

[Cat Familiar]

Virginiawoolf,

I am sorry your boyfriend is causing so much chaos in your life.   People with BPD can be extremely charming and can love us in such a romantic way that they sweep us off our feet, only later do we discover that there is another side to their personality that is difficult and hurtful. And as you know, they are masters at creating chaos.

What compelled me to get involved with two husbands with BPD was the need to be adored. Also it was a familiar pattern since I grew up with a mother with BPD and that extreme idealization I received from these men felt like love, and then the devaluation (being painted black) was also an experience that I knew well.

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask myself if this relationship, such as it is, is enough? What about this man is so compelling? And where do you want to be a year from now?

[virginiawoolf]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies (and for taking the time to read my long post in the first place).

In terms of udBPDbf's positive traits ... .hmm ... .I can see right away that this is an interesting exercise because it says something about me as well as about him. But here goes:

-Quite simply, nobody has ever made me feel more loved.

-I've many times described it as the most actively "loving" relationship I've ever experienced (though at the moment I feel miserable, as I'm doubting the depth or integrity of his love).

-His love inspired great confidence in me. Prior to him I was a bit more jealous/anxious in relationships. With him, his interest and love was so evident, felt so real and inevitable, that I didn't have to experience jealousy or anxiety. From almost the very beginning of our dating, I never had to worry about when he was going to call, or when I would see him next, or how he felt. Even when he left the country for 4 months, and we'd left things somewhat undefined in terms of whether we'd sleep with others, I remember saying to my best friend: honestly I don't know if I would care if he hooked up with someone else while he's gone... .I felt so confident in our bond... .it couldn't possibly compete with what he feels for me.

-Just to be clear about his love... .although he seemed extremely attracted to me and focused on me from the beginning, he didn't jump into professing crazy "romantic" love right away (which in my opinion was a good thing). In fact, he made a point of kind of calling "bull___" on romantic love and instead prioritized "real" love... .the kind that he has for his closest friends, the kind that "lasts forever." (This all ties a bit into his somewhat extreme political beliefs too, which eschew the idea of the nuclear family, and see romantic love as a modern western construct, blah, blah, blah).  I realize this is all maybe a bit naive. But there seemed to be a lot of integrity to this. Besides me, I could see that, whatever he wanted to call it early on, it was clear to ME that he was romantically in love with me, haha. Of course, within a little less than 3 months, he did take the leap... .he began to label his love for me romantic. From this point he was "in love" with me and EXTREMELY excited about being "in love" with me. He still maintains that I'm the only person he's ever been in love with.

-The way he "loves" his friends, his apparent loyalty toward them, is something I'd like to talk more about in a separate post. But it's definitely something that drew me toward him from the start.

-I may sound naive for "falling" for all of this. I don't know. But I was (and I suppose still am) in love with him too. Also, on separate occasions, his close friends did tell me things like "I've never seen S. like this before. I've never seen him so starry eyed about a girl. This guy is all about you." etc.

- He is dynamic, intense and enthusiastic. He is direct and open in a way which makes him seem at once strong yet vulnerable. Much of the intensity is directed toward me (which truthfully felt great).

- He is very dominant -- not just sexually but just in general. There is something about this that makes me feel incredibly safe. Not sure it's the most healthy dynamic. It makes things easier for me in the short term... .in the long term though, things really do seem to be "all about him". I realize this says a lot about me (it's so easy for me to put my focus entirely on somebody else, who is demanding it. It feels like a relief from thinking/worrying about myself. This is the co-dependent thing, I'm sure).

-His intensity... .about everything. It's exciting and attractive to me. Again, it kind of frees me from myself. Of course, it's exhausting in the long run.

-I am EXTREMELY physically attracted to him. I don't usually pick men for this reason, but when it's there, it's a pretty powerful force. Sex is incredible. In fact it just continues to get better, which is kind of crazy. Affection is incredible. It's great.

-Lifestyle similarities: we eat similarly (very healthy food -- though he also has this crazy tendancy to binge eat, which I don't, and which freaks me out a bit). We both exercise, go running together. Both have the combination of loving nature, but also living in and loving a very large city, participating in similar nightlife, etc.

-He is not at all status oriented or materialistic. This was a huge and welcome change for me after my previous long term BF/fiance (and some others I've dated since then) whom I've felt have been very focused on me wearing the "right clothes" knowing the "right people" etc. It is lovely not to have to worry about any of that with him.

-He's incredibly verbal and intelligent. Sometimes I find his intelligence a bit rough around the edges, since his formal education is lacking, but it doesn't fail to impress me.

-We think similarly. Many of our values and worldviews are the same. (although many of our values are different too). But at the end of the day we do connect intellectually which is important for us both.

-This is interesting but, he is an extremely B/W thinker. For me, EVERYTHING is shades of grey -- which can actually be exhausting. I'm constantly questioning, changing perspectives, holding multiple perspectives, etc. This is probably it's own kind of neurosis. Anyway, it sounds strange but, esp at the beginning, his B/W thinking was almost a comfort to me. It inspired a certain confidence in me -- to take a firm stand in areas where once I would have vacillated.

-His endless compliments and professions of love. Ugh, I know this is a red flag, but I just love these things so much. He really can make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. When he's not painting me black, he idolizes me.

-His persistence/neediness. Again, ugh. There are two sides to this. Sometimes it is truly horrible. And sometimes it makes me feel so good.

-Cooks me really sweet dinners in a way that makes me feel really cared for.

Again, I'm still not really bringing up any specific questions. I would like to. But trying to get the all of the background info out for now.

Thank you!

[Cat Familiar]

-Quite simply, nobody has ever made me feel more loved.

-I've many times described it as the most actively "loving" relationship I've ever experienced (though at the moment I feel miserable, as I'm doubting the depth or integrity of his love).

-This is interesting but, he is an extremely B/W thinker. For me, EVERYTHING is shades of grey -- which can actually be exhausting. I'm constantly questioning, changing perspectives, holding multiple perspectives, etc. This is probably it's own kind of neurosis. Anyway, it sounds strange but, esp at the beginning, his B/W thinking was almost a comfort to me. It inspired a certain confidence in me -- to take a firm stand in areas where once I would have vacillated.

-His endless compliments and professions of love. Ugh, I know this is a red flag, but I just love these things so much. He really can make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. When he's not painting me black, he idolizes me.

-His persistence/neediness. Again, ugh. There are two sides to this. Sometimes it is truly horrible. And sometimes it makes me feel so good.

I've pulled out these sentences because these patterns are very typical of a person with BPD. My current husband managed to paint me white for several years before the "Mr. Hyde" personality came out to play. I have never felt so loved, but the flip side is being painted black, which certainly doesn't feel very good.

The black/white thing is definitely challenging to live with at times, particularly if you don't agree with them. I find myself being painted black because I don't always feel as adamantly about some political issue as my husband does, even if we're on the same side. I like nuance and with these pwBPD, often there isn't any regarding their opinions on issues.

Please keep reading the lessons on the right side of this page and keep posting more about your story.

What are the challenges you are willing to deal with in this relationship and what are the deal-breakers?

[Stalwart]

Hey Virginia:

Just wanted to start by saying thanks, it’s somehow comforting to know we all have some common recognitions and experiences.

Wow that must be difficult for you but I see so much optimism in what you said and a bit that might not be so optimistic.

You certainly know him well and know yourself. Your awareness is amazing and what you’ve learned to recognize and rationalize about your relationship. I read so many more positives in your writing than I do negatives but I certainly understand the hurt and fear that the negatives bring.

Constancy and holding on to constancy is difficult for some people who suffer so much in their turmoil with this disorder. When he’s right there and so are you you’re both in a constant reminder for him. It’s about living the moment. Didn’t really surprise me when you went abroad after a separation and he seemed distant. Did it feel as though he had to ‘get back into the mode?’

What do you think about the fidelity issues that you briskly swept over? Is that an issue if he goes away when you can recognize you don’t think able to maintain a monogamous relationship that long? I’ve had my own past experiences with that and I can say one thing for certain; that’s a boundary I will maintain and it’s a game changer if I would ever consider it was threatened again. How do you think you can manage that situation? It’s a tough one.

I so feel for your desperation in not being able to open up and be listened to when you need to. Yup, it can seem to be such a harsh one-way street sometimes. It all comes down to him (and others in the same dynamic) being so intensely involved in their own struggles that there just isn’t enough left to focus on other’s. It’s a shame and it hurts but hopefully you can find a way to work through that with him. Learning more about how this disorder works and how it relates to his specific ways and thinking plus really learning some of the valuable lessons here and how to use them naturally and spontaneously really does work to identify ways to break through barriers. You’re certainly aware enough and consciously committed enough be really learn how to do that well. It takes time to truly understand his past and present in relationship to this disorder to build a really understanding and honest empathy that helps with the confusion and allow you to KNOW that it’s not you and how to handle the dysregulation better.

You know back in the days a few years when my wife and I were really living in the dark times I remember her saying something that only became clear to me later after her diagnosis and I started to learn so much about this disorder. I really can’t remember what precipitated her comments but she said, “Rick! You know people love differently, but that doesn’t mean they love any less.”

Unfortunately so many people with this try to isolate their partners from other contact so they are there to focus unconditionally on them and it sounds as though you’ve experienced this but I’m really happy to see that you hold your ground on it. Your friends and other relationships are your safe place and hold onto to that.

So are you okay with his trip?

The one thing I can definitely say is that I really feel for the situational breakups. That’s a really difficult way to manage a relationship although in some cased it’s probably saved a few to have the time to yourself and be removed from the problem for a bit.

I sure hope you find your way to harmony on this whatever that path for you is and you keep in touch.

Rick